Life

Hi, readers!

Not long ago, I suffered from a depression. Last year, most of  it, anyway, was depression and a struggle to get out of it. Medication helped at first, then a lot of rest, fresh air, sun and exercise. Around September I was starting to feel like my regular self.

When my mother passed away, in October, I was sad but didn’t feel depressed in the same way as earlier. In fact, I felt better than I expected to feel. But that started to wear off after a few months. In February I noticed that the old lack of motivation and energy had started to return. Also had more trouble sleeping again. In March I felt really depressed at times but I hoped it would not last. Then at the end of March and into the start of this month, I noticed how the lack of motivation increased at the same time as I had more trouble sleeping. I started to worry about going deeper into another depression.

So, today, I went to see a doctor, instead of waiting too long to get some help, like I did the first time. It was good that I did. After talking to the doctor I started to feel less worried about the depression developing further. Now, I have a place to go for support and some treatment that will  probably help me avoid more problems. I had forgotten to send in the proper forms at the time of my ASD diagnosis, but now I will sort it out.

 

Changes

Soon, maybe next week, I will know. I will have the answer to the question of my potential disorder.

Right now I’m in a state of anxious anticipation. Part of me want to know, part of me would rather not know. Despite all the time I have waited for this answer, I’m not sure how to handle it if the outcome isn’t the one I hope it will be.

If it isn’t, I’m back to square one again, and I don’t think I will be able to cope.

So many years of struggle on my own, not knowing why things haven’t worked out. Years of feeling like a failure. Emotional pain and suffering. Anxiety and stress.

I don’t want any more of that. I want to be able to have some hope for a better tomorrow. Right now, I don’t even know if I will survive if the outcome isn’t what I hope it will be. The last year has been a struggle to get back on my feet, to fight my way out a depression that could have killed me, had I not asked for help. Now, I feel myself slipping back into depression but I manage to keep it at bay. There are so many things to sort out in the coming months, I haven’t got time for a depression to drain my energy.

My future will be decided very soon. I try to be positive but deep down I feel alone and scared. Afraid of what will happen next. That’s how I am. I wish I wasn’t thinking that all the best is behind me. I want to look forward to something better.

But I see the same things happening again and again. The problems of me not knowing how to function like a normal person would. I do too much or too little. I say the wrong things, I misread people. I get it wrong, when trying to get it right.

Well, I’ll be back with the results when I have them.

The end is near

Goodbye to 2015.

What a year, If I had known this time last year what 2015 would be like, I would have stopped time one minute before midnight and let 2014 repeat itself.

My 2015 started with serious suicide thoughts and a depression that needed medical attention. After that long struggle through the Winter, Spring and Summer I had my 48th birthday in September and started to have some hope of a better end to the year.

As soon as I started to think that things could start to be better, however, the next blow came around.

In October my dear mother suffered a major brain hemorrhage she couldn’t recover from and passed away after spending a week at the hospital.

Suddenly my whole life turned upside down and inside out. I’m still trying to get myself back to working order.  I know it happened, but at times it all still feels unreal. Like a long dream I’m waiting to wake up from.

I spent Christmas with one of my cousins and her family and other relatives. Not being alone on Christmas eve was nice. But it didn’t really feel like Christmas. I don’t think Christmas will ever be the same as it was before.

On the employment front there is not much to tell. I’m still looking for work.

The examination to determine my possible neuropsychiatric disorder will start soon and when that is all over and done, I hope I will be able to get some more help and support in order to find some work and to sort out my life.

I still hope 2016 will be a better year and the start of a happier life for me.

Happy New Year, readers! May 2016 be a wonderful year for all of us!

Late August

Hi there,

Last Saturday of August 2015.

I know I have neglected this blog most of this year and I can’t promise that it will change anytime soon.

However, I saw the need for some kind of update so I started to write this.

Life feels like it has never really started. Last night while trying to sleep I thought of how many times I wished things were different over the years.

I also thought of all the energy, time and money I have invested in the wrong efforts, while trying to find things I wanted or needed in all the wrongs places.

Then trying to accept that it all came to nothing at all and also deal with regrets and feelings of stupidity.

Anyway, my depression has slightly faded. I feel somewhat better now, even if some days are rather blah.  My sleep is better, and the anxiety is almost all gone.

My life hasn’t changed though and I haven’t started to try to change anything.

I wait for the tests to start that will help to determine my diagnosis. Clearly I know I have a disorder but I need it to be confirmed so that I can request the support I need to make it less of a problem. Maybe then I can start to change my life around for the better. Or at least try.

Right now, while waiting, I don’t see any point to try to change much.

On the job front there is nothing new. Nothing happens. I don’t expect anything will happen.

In a few months time I have been unemployed for nine years, more or less.

I spend my time trying to feel as good as possible while working my way out of the depression.

I don’t think of suicide anymore. I know that is not the way out but back in January it seemed like a tempting alternative to the darkness I found myself in.

Lately I have started to be able to enjoy music and movies again. But I still get tired rather fast when trying to watch a whole movie.

Being outside a lot, enjoying the Summer, has also helped me to get better during the last few months.

Visits by family and relatives has been fun but at times too much for my brain to deal with.

Maybe May may be

Howdy….

No I’m still alive. Sorry.

Working my way through a depression and some other things that are going to be checked out eventually.

Still on medication but not feeling much of anything from it anymore. The first months were terrible though.

Sweating, headaches, dryness of the mouth, tiredness and total impotence. Those side effects on top of the depression almost made me doubt if medication was the way to go. Then one day the side effects were almost all gone like they had never been there at all.

Suddenly I couldn’t feel any effect at all from the medication, except a strange calm. No more of the anxiety or stress. Well almost none. Still have some trouble sleeping, sometimes have very strange nightmares and also some mild anxiety attacks from time to time.

And the situation behind my depression still remains. Still I’m unemployed and still I feel worthless, useless and without much hope for a better tomorrow.

I’m going to be checked out for a possible autism spectrum disorder but I fear the waiting will be long before that process begins.

My lack of updates of this blog is due to me being tired and in need of rest a lot of the time since starting treatment. Only the last few weeks have I been feeling less exhausted.

Depression

Hi, I’m back.

For a long time I’ve been feeling very low, useless and without hope. The long years of unemployment and other issues of worry have all added up to this point of me not being able to bear it alone any longer. A few days ago a thought sailed through my mind. A thought about opening the window in the room I sit in at the office and just step out. At 7 floors above the ground that’s not a normal thought, not a good thought and not a thought one should even think, or try to act on. I didn’t open the window, I got scared of myself instead.

I suddenly had a moment where I could see how far down I had gone. And I knew I could not let myself get any further down. I needed help. So I started to look into symptoms of depression and also where to turn for professional help and medical aid.

Never having had any mental problems that I needed help to deal with made me anxious to reach out for help. For a day or two I thought maybe I was making too much out of this sudden thought of suicide, this impulse to end my life, but soon I decided I would let the doctors decide if I was really in need of treatment or not. Better to be safe than sorry. Still, taking the step wasn’t easy at all.

First I told the people in charge at the office of “work”  when I called in sick on Wednesday that I thought I had some kind of depression. They told me that they had noticed a change in my behavior and they also thought I ought to talk to someone about how I feel and about my problems and frustration about my situation. After that call I emailed my contact at the Employment Office and told her that I suspected I was suffering from depression.

Then I checked out the local doctor’s office online to see when I could go there to talk to a doctor. But I felt I needed a day to collect myself before seeing a doctor.

On Thursday in the am I went to the doctor and told him about how I’m feeling and about all my troubles, including the scary thought about stepping out of the window. He asked me if he could let me go home without any risk of me trying to kill myself and I said that I didn’t have any such plans. I told him I was there to get medical help because I was afraid to think of suicide again and that I was sure I would not be able to feel better without treatment.

The doctor decided to let a Psychiatrist evaluate my status, so he got me an appointment at the local hospital later in the evening.

I went back home to have some lunch and some rest and then a few hours later I went by bus to the hospital. I was feeling a bit nervous but also thinking that this was the first steps for me to eventually start feeling better.

The office where the patients with  psychiatric illness are examined is heavy on security and at first it made somewhat anxious. Lots of looked doors and other security measures but the staff was very friendly and soon made me feel welcome and at ease. I was given a lot of questionnaires to answer and then I talked to a nurse for about one hour. She asked me a lot of questions and I found it easy to answer even though I sometimes felt I was giving too many details about some things.

Then the doctor came and asked me to tell her all about why I was there I why I was feeling the way I am. So I started many  years back, at the time when my leg problems started and then I worked my way through to the present day. Also made some detours even further back and sometimes side-tracked about stuff not really important to my depressed state of mind.

She listened, asked questions and then went out to talk to another doctor for a few minutes. When she returned she told me that in her opinion I was suffering from depression and that she wanted me to start taking medication asap. And she also told me that if I got the suicide thoughts back I must call the hospital immediately.

I became a bit anxious when she told me about the pills she wanted me to start taking, especially when I heard about the side effects. Also the pills would not have a full impact until after few weeks have passed so at first they could even make me feel worse but I was still to take them. However, if I experienced serious side effects I should call the hospital straight away and then they would decide on changing the pills to another kind.

The doctor wanted me to return to the hospital for a follow-up and further examination in two weeks and gave me an appointment. She told me that they wanted to check if there were other problems than depression that I might need their help with. I have no idea what those other problems could be so I’m kind of curious to find out and also a little nervous about it.

After more than two hours, I could return home. On the way home I bought a pizza to have for a late dinner. I felt tired and kind of empty after all the talking but also kind of relieved that I’m going to get better eventually and that I wasn’t going to have to go on forever feeling low and not being able to sleep and be tired and drained of all energy and motivation all the time.

The day after, that is today, I still woke up early and without getting enough sleep, but then for most of the day I have been feeling strangely light-headed and almost like I have no depression at all but i still lack the energy and I move slowly when I go out walking. I also can’t handle too much stress. I avoid it at all cost. I also notice I still feel like I want to turn the world off until I feel strong enough to deal with it, then I want to turn it back on again.

July 2014

Hey!

So the Summer refuses to warm up. Instead it offers chills, clouds and rain. I guess you can’t always get what you want.

Same goes for my life. It offers very little to be happy about but at least it isn’t all depressing. My present “work” is, though.

Since I had to leave the nice place I had been at for three years and start a new place, I haven’t been very happy about much. There is no real structure to that new place. Everyone is doing their own thing every day and its hard to find the drive to keep on going without any clear framework to hold everything in place. I have an official project to work on but no deadline and in fact it is already more or less a finished project,  but I still have to kind of pretend to be working on it. Most of my time I divide between job hunting and reading about the job market or topics related to things I’m interested in – like politics, food. cooking, television, history,  books, movies and music.

I miss what I used to do and where I used to be,  so much.

In a way everything about these government projects for the unemployed are on hold awaiting the outcome of the  general election in September. There might be a change of policy if the current parties in power are replaced by some of the opposing parties.

Outside of this “work” I find myself having little energy to do much of anything. I used to be able to do things around the house but not so much now. Still, I know have to do some things but they leave me exhausted more than ever before. I also had a certain momentum this past Winter to exercise more but after I changed places of “work”, I have lost that drive too. Probably I suffer from depression without really wanting to admit it. Maybe I ought to get some treatment for it even. Just that it scares me to even talk about mental problems. I’m afraid of the whole concept and also about how some people around me will react to it. They already think I’m lazy because I take longer to do things I used to do fast and easy and that I seem to lack interest and motivation to do much of anything.  Nobody seems to think I might actually be depressed or that it could be a reason behind my lack of energy.

Enough of the negative things.

Positive? What would those be these days? Some time to sleep. Some time to enjoy some television. movies and music. Time to be outdoors and relax. Good food. A few friends to talk to from time to time. That’s it.

This blog is now more than 9 years old. I know I have been mostly quiet lately and I doubt I will be more active unless something unexpected happens – like a new real job – or that I suddenly fall madly in love with the right person and find the feelings to be mutual.

 

Still alive

Hey girls and guys, I’m sorry for the lack of updates here lately. My blog is still very much alive but I haven’t been wanting to write much for a long time now. Not sure about why but I think I have suffered a bit from mild depression and also from other problems that have kept me from my keyboard and my writing.  Many times I have thought about writing here, many times I’ve had the usual old urge to write but it has only been in my mind. Somehow I haven’t been able to keep the thoughts long enough to put them into writing.

Still, here I am, back at it again. Lord knows why.

No, I don’t.

Oh, sorry, I forgot I’m not one of your believers. Won’t happen again.

Right! Back to business then. Whatever that means. Around here it could mean just about anything or not. That’s what I like about this blog thing. Freedom. The freedom to write whatever enters my mind as I’m writing. Not having to care about what anyone thinks about it. Not having to care about if it makes any sense to anyone (including me). A freedom like that is as good as a freedom can be in my book.

My first thought for this post was to write it under the headline I just wasn’t made for these times, and only include a song by Brian Wilson (of the Beach Boys), but I changed my mind at the last minute. Instead I give you this just to tell you all that I’m still around.

Starting my day by eating American style fried chicken is probably not good for me but it tastes rather delicious.

Dream on

It will happen. Yeah, right.  Tell me some more stories.

All I know is that nothing I dreamed of has happened but plenty of what I haven’t dreamed of has happened. Explain that, if you can.

So, back to the business of today.

For a time I have been feeling somewhat depressed. I lack energy, motivation and interest.  Nothing makes me really happy and nothing really excites me. Mostly things seem dull.

At the office things keep changing but there’s no structure. Projects are started but not finished. Instead there are new projects coming up. People come and go and suddenly they’re gone for good.

I try to focus on the things I need to do to get out of the situation I’m in. Same situation for years. No job.  I work my project also. Write. Try to write. Read a lot. Try to stay in touch with the real world out there where people have real jobs and income. Follow the news media to see where society is going and what’s happening in politics.

The rest of my time, I mostly want to sleep because I’m always tired and I want to escape this place I’m stuck in.

I miss people to talk to. I miss friends. I miss feeling happy. I miss life. I miss having a life. I miss having things to look forward to. I miss having a future. All I have is a past I can’t return to. The more I try not to think of the past good life, the more I do think of it. The more I miss it.

Yes, I’m done feeling sorry for myself. I know it’s not attractive. Just the way it is now.

I don’t know

Sometimes when I encounter a situation where I don’t know what to do or say, I don’t do or say anything. Somehow, I think that’s the best option.

Btw, everything isn’t so bad. I actually had some fine moments last week and weekend, but most of the time I didn’t feel too good about myself. It happens sometimes.

However, I’m picking myself up from the ground again and I feel better about myself now. The way I usually feel. Only thing is that these times of feeling really bad will return. Because they always have in the past. Never know when or for how long but I know they will.

But, I have already covered that ground so this will be all for today. I had planned to write more but my internet is not working  and its late  and I’m kind of tired so it will have to wait until tomorrow.

Sorry.