movies

All posts tagged movies

Late August

Published 08/29/2015 by MoonieZ

Hi there,

Last Saturday of August 2015.

I know I have neglected this blog most of this year and I can’t promise that it will change anytime soon.

However, I saw the need for some kind of update so I started to write this.

Life feels like it has never really started. Last night while trying to sleep I thought of how many times I wished things were different over the years.

I also thought of all the energy, time and money I have invested in the wrong efforts, while trying to find things I wanted or needed in all the wrongs places.

Then trying to accept that it all came to nothing at all and also deal with regrets and feelings of stupidity.

Anyway, my depression has slightly faded. I feel somewhat better now, even if some days are rather blah.  My sleep is better, and the anxiety is almost all gone.

My life hasn’t changed though and I haven’t started to try to change anything.

I wait for the tests to start that will help to determine my diagnosis. Clearly I know I have a disorder but I need it to be confirmed so that I can request the support I need to make it less of a problem. Maybe then I can start to change my life around for the better. Or at least try.

Right now, while waiting, I don’t see any point to try to change much.

On the job front there is nothing new. Nothing happens. I don’t expect anything will happen.

In a few months time I have been unemployed for nine years, more or less.

I spend my time trying to feel as good as possible while working my way out of the depression.

I don’t think of suicide anymore. I know that is not the way out but back in January it seemed like a tempting alternative to the darkness I found myself in.

Lately I have started to be able to enjoy music and movies again. But I still get tired rather fast when trying to watch a whole movie.

Being outside a lot, enjoying the Summer, has also helped me to get better during the last few months.

Visits by family and relatives has been fun but at times too much for my brain to deal with.

Snow of December

Published 12/17/2014 by MoonieZ

Hey there people….

So this is December and what have I learned? Another year over and a new one waiting  in the wings ready to begin.

Lots of changes this year. Well, perhaps only a few but still changes.

Changed place of “work” twice. Not for the better but still I hang on because there is nothing else I can do.  I’m learning some Photoshop for the time being. Not the most fun I’ve ever had, I’d rather be working on my own projects or at least be writing like I did at the beginning of this year.

Been unemployed now for six whole years since my last employment. Counting all the time of unemployment I’m at a total of seven and a half years and still running. No change in sight but I still keep my hope against hope, I will get lucky one of these days.

I can hear some people say, Hey dude you’re doing something wrong! It can’t be that hard to find a paying job, not even for a loser like you! 

You might be right. Then again, I can’t tell because all I know is that I have been trying for all these years and the results are what they are, regardless of how I or you feel about it or what we might think is the reason behind it all. Looking back is useless. I’m going to go on. I can point my finger at myself and say I’m to blame but does it really help in the long run? I’m still stuck where I am and I’m the one who has to get me unstuck. Do I do that by constantly blaming myself for not getting unstuck fast enough or by actually using my energy to continue to try getting unstuck? You be the judge, I know what I think.

Enough is enough.

I still live like a loner. No change there. Nobody fell in love with me this year too. I didn’t fall in love with anyone. Not that there has been a great number of possible lovers around. I have to get out of my comfort zone for anything to change in that department. I’ve known that a long time but I still do nothing about it. Maybe I’ve given up. Or perhaps I just think it takes too much time and energy away from this job hunting thing.

Anyway I’ve had plenty of dates with Miss Righty, she’s always available for a bit of fun. Luckily she has never refused my invitation after all these years.

Pathetic. Still the truth. Laugh it up. It’s on me.

Sons of Anarchy ended the only way it could. Inspired by Shakespeare tragedy as it was. A very entertaining piece of television drama. Even if all of the seven seasons weren’t really all great the final ride was one hell of a ride from start to finish.

The fifth season of The Walking Dead has been a bit of hit and miss even of it is still better than most of season four so far. Will return with a final verdict once the whole season is finished.

Game of Thrones still keeps me wanting more even if I have trouble with the author’s habit of killing off all the interesting characters every now and then, with a few exceptions of course.

Out of all the cooking shows starring the great Gordon Ramsay, I still like MasterChef USA the most. Even though Hell’s Kitchen is a strong contender for the number one spot.

I have made an effort to start watching other shows during the year but not really been hooked by any as much the ones I mention above.

Many movies have passed by my eyes also. Thanks to Netflix and HBO Nordic.  Too many to mention any titles.

Then, last but not least,  the music. Spotify keeps me listening to all my favorites old and new. I still have my one big playlist that I keep editing as the tracks come and go. I add and subtract and still it stays like a portrait of my soul. The soundtrack of my life.

Oh yeah, it snowed today.

Hey there, people

Published 09/07/2014 by MoonieZ

I’m SwedishMoon…

Yes I know, I had a Frank Zappa moment there for a second or two. Ain’t it funny how that one song is the one everyone seems to connect with Zappa when the man made so much great music? Not saying that song is bad but still, there is so much more music to the name Zappa.

Ok, that little rant is not the topic of this post. I just happened to think of it while typing the headline.

September is here again. Yes, I know it has been a week of it already but you see I haven’t been up to writing anything. As usual.  The times when I had to express myself every day of the year seem to have vanished. Now I’m happy if it happens once a month or even less. Besides, nobody reads blogs anymore anyway, right?

Well, I still read a few from time to time but to be honest I spend more time reading Twitter and Tumblr these days.  Even so, I like to keep this blog alive because I want to reach the 10 year mark next year. Also I’m still thinking of trying to make something more out of the texts I have published over the years. Will see where that leads.

At the new office place I’m at most of my days, I still struggle to find a meaning and a new project to work on. I am waiting for the election to be over so that things might change. With a new government things will change because policy is going to change.  If nothing happens, I’m not sure how much longer I can go on seeing my life go to waste.

Yes, I know if I want to see change I will have to be the change. Easy to say. I’ll tell you this: walk a year in my shoes then come back and say that again if you still think it is so easy.

Of course I’m still searching for employment. Not much else to do, if I wish to find something. No luck though.

My health is somewhat all over the map. Lately, I’ve been pretty good but it changes a lot. I know I would be better if I had been doing a real job for all these years instead of  only looking for jobs. The stress sometimes makes me feel like I don’t want to live but I usually fight that feeling. Many times I feel useless though. Forgotten by society and only considered as a statistic.

Thankful for the friends I still keep in touch with. Not sure I’d go on without you all.  Music and movies provide some relief and renewed energy, but mostly comfort and escape from reality. Same goes for TV shows.

Look, I managed to repeat myself again. Time to leave.

Peace out.

My 2013: another wasted year

Published 12/28/2013 by MoonieZ

Yep, boys and girls, you did read that one right.

No sense in any false optimism. This year has pretty much gone by and been a total waste of time.

I started it being unemployed and poor and in pain. I end it mostly the same. No job, no money but with a lot less pain. Only good thing about it. My stomach isn’t giving me as much pain as it did at the start of the year.

During the year I have applied for hundreds of jobs, not even getting in for an interview for any of them. Of course I’ve spent hours and even days going over what I’m doing wrong, what can be improved and I have changed things around, tried new ways to express myself in my applications. Also looked at more types of work to see if that will help. Still no results to show but I keep on working on it.

At the office I’m now down to my last weeks of my stay there. I have to find another place to be at, because those are the rules of the unemployment game that have been set by our present administration. They believe in putting all the pressure of resolving unemployment on each individual and making it a simple case of it being only a matter of trying hard enough and it will be solved. Instead I prefer to think of unemployment as problem for the whole society to solve at the level of policy rather than at the level of each individual. However, what I think is not relevant. All I can do is follow the rules and keep working on not being out of work.

For the last few months I have been involved in the new office newsletter and have contributed  a few texts about cinema related topics. It has been a really fun experience and I’m sad it will soon end. My blog project has not made a lot of progress but I have lots of unfinished texts still around for it.

The most important result from my three years the office has been that I was able to finally finish my degree at the university. It only took 12 years longer than I had planned, but it doesn’t matter now that I have it. And I didn’t work toward it during most of these 12 years. I gave it up for a long time and without the help from the staff at the office I would never have got it done. But all of that happened in the first year. The second year was kind of a downhill ride into unfocused “work” and then all the stomach pains that stopped me from a lot of things I could have been doing better.  This third year started kind of dark and negative but through the summer I managed to find a new focus and motivate myself to get back into the game again. Then the newsletter project came along and I jumped on it.

Now I have to start the new year with finding a new place to be before my time at the office is up. I have no idea what will be available but I wish to find a place where I’ll have some control over what I’ll be doing and which will be suitable for developing the knowledge and skills I have so that I can use it to find a job.

Still, to have few days “off” for Christmas and New Years is very good for me. I feel the need to relax and find some new energy in order to get back on track for the new year and all the changes happening.

A really good thing during this year is all my friends from the internet. Don’t think I would be as strong without people to talk to and care about. Also my family and relatives have been there most of the time.

Music and movies and some television have provided distraction, entertainment but also ideas and renewed motivation to keep on going.

Good food has kept me alive and sometimes made life a little easier to live.

But, still the bottom line is that this year is another year wasted for me. Another year on the sidelines waiting to get back into the game. One more year on hold while everything and everybody rush on by leaving me behind.

Poverty is now a reality. Yes, I’m poor. I survive but that’s all I do. I have a budget for every month, I stick to it. What little room for anything extra there is, I use to take my mind away from my situation at times. No, I’m not taking drugs, I don’t smoke, I never touch alcohol and I don’t gamble. But I do what I do keep myself going.

So, that’s that.

 

But

Published 04/14/2013 by MoonieZ

Serious.

Write something serious. Intelligent. Something that will make you look less of a moron and more of a clever person.

I can’t.

Why not? I can start but I can’t finish it. After a lot of mindless texts about nothing that means anything, it would be good to show some class. Perhaps. Maybe I’m asking too much of me. Could be.

This morning I had two sandwiches with goat cheese and ham for breakfast. Delicious. Later on, I finished watching The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey . Now, I’m thinking about masturbating, as I have been looking at some pictures on my Tumblr dashboard. That’s how refined I am on a Sunday afternoon in April. Not much to write about if you ask me, and who else would you ask. I’m the only one here.

Sure, it’s a lovely day outside. Sunny, and about +10 degrees Celsius. Really ought to be outside doing something practical. Ought to. Not really up for it, though.

Soon it will be time to cook some dinner anyway. Then there’s television to be watched, hair to be washed and a shower to be taken.

At the end of the day there’s sleep to be had and some dreams too, I hope.

Later.

 

Thinking about things

Published 01/27/2013 by MoonieZ

This week I have had some ideas for things to write but I haven’t taken the time to write any of them. I have a good excuse: I have had a cold. In fact , I still have a bit of a could. For some days and nights I have been bothered by a most irritating cough and also suffered from the very dry and cold air outside. Luckily the cold weather is now mostly gone and so is the coughing and suffering. However, the cough made me sleep very poorly for too many nights which in turn has made me somewhat exhausted and cranky.  I’m only now, today, starting to feel like my normal jolly old self again so if I have offended anyone due to my cranky mood I do apologize most sincerely.

Wasn’t going to make any blog update today, or yesterday, but here I am. Got nothing else to do except going to sleep which I will soon do, as soon as this is finished. Not that my weekend is bad, it’s just not very exciting.

I’m mostly just watching movies or TV, listening to music and eating. From time to time I also check my Twitter and Tumblr.  That’s about all.  I haven’t even masturbated more than once this whole week but I think that is due to the cold and coughing and that I will be back to my regular schedule soon enough. What is my regular schedule then? I don’t know. I don’t decide such things in advance. However, I’d say my usual schedule would be once every other day at least. Or whenever I’m in the mood.

Business at the office has been as usual this week. I’ve made some progress on some things, and been fairly efficient as far as I know.

The rest of the things I will return to at some other time.

 

Thursday tales from the mind of SwedishMoon

Published 01/17/2013 by MoonieZ

Couldn’t resist. Not after coming up with a headline like the one above.

Only one problem – I’ve got nothing to tell.  So, this being my outlet of anything and everything, I will make something up as I go along. If any of my clever readers spot the movie and the character those words are taken from, you’ll receive a gold star and a special place in my hall of fortune and glory. Ok, enough of that. At least it takes up some space on the page.

Weather in this part of the world is cold today. Very cold. Almost freezing. And that’s all I have to say about that.

My day? Nothing much. Same old routine. Some interesting discussions about current affairs. Some writing. Some plans for the unknown future ahead. The usual.

Soup for dinner.  Some TV. Snow to shovel.

Reading things on the internet. Listening to music.