school

All posts in the school category

Life in review

Published 09/06/2012 by MoonieZ

 

Trying to sleep, I started thinking about my life. How I ended up where I am.

I know one thing – if I could go back and change some of my actions, I would. In fact, I wish I could.

But of course I know I can’t. All I can do is live on and learn from the past mistakes so that I will not repeat them again down the line.

I also question some of the choices I’ve made.

For so long I had the dream of becoming a writer. Yet, all I did was to write things that nobody ever saw or got to read. The dream, I carried in my head. Kept to myself while I worked with the “simple” tasks at my job in the grocery stores. For decades.

I did go to the University after having worked for more than ten years and when I did, I had many bold plans, hopes and dreams. Filled with motivation and energy I set out to study and then advance from my low-level job to a better one. At the University I did well – most classes I passed with the highest grades. I had fun, and really enjoyed my life as a student.

Instead of a degree and a better job came illness. After that unemployment and on top of that – financial collapse.  Of these three the first two were not my fault and the third is to a large degree my own doing.

Now I suffer the consequences of my actions. Still I haven’t given up. I keep looking for ways to move forward.

However, I have more days now, when I question how long I will be able to keep going without getting anywhere.  The temptation of giving up and letting it all go grows stronger.

If only there was a way to go back and make some changes.  If only.

 

 

Advertisements

A funny thing happened

Published 06/24/2012 by MoonieZ

No it didn’t.

Simply had to use that headline because I have no imagination left. I want to write something really interesting, entertaining and funny but all I come up with is monster mash and cat vomit. Not much fun in that.

So, what else is not new? That I am a bit strange. Not odd. Strange. However I’m working on being not strange. As if that would be better. It would at least be normal.

I woke up early this morning. I had a nice dream. Not sure what about but I woke up feeling nice inside. Sort of happy.

For some reason, or lack of reason, that feeling made me remember when most people in a chat room I used to visit thought I was gay. No offence to gay persons of any sex, but I know I am not gay, or bi, because nothing in this world attracts me more than a woman.

Or, well, sometimes a very good meal can be more attractive but let’s not derail ourselves here. Not too much at least.  Which leads me to think maybe I seem gay to some very straight people because to them I act or express myself rather like a gay person would from their point of view. That’s the only way I can understand it.

I had a gay friend on the internet for some years. He acted like any person would. Nothing like I thought a gay person would. But he told me he was gay and I had no reason to suspect he wasn’t, but I still didn’t find him to be different from any other friend I’ve had. Except maybe that it was easier to talk to him compared to the supposedly straight guys I also talked to from time to time.

I guess to some of the other straight guys I was a threat in the battle we all fought to gain the attention of the model on cam, in whose chat room we all gathered night after night to chat time away. Or something of that nature.

To be honest, I never liked to compete with anyone for anyone’s attention online or offline or anywhere. Sure, it’s a flaw to not be a very competitive kind of person but I’ve never liked to compete because I’ve never learned to lose without losing my face. I can’t take it on the chin like a man and move on. Instead I often want to end my life instantly. To rid me of the pain of loss I refuse to compete and let everyone else worry about that.

I have taken part in competitions but always had that fear of being devastated if I lost, which I almost always did. Still, those times I really wanted to be in the competition. Because winning would have been priceless.

Back to the matter of my supposed gayness. I can see why the question appeared in my offline life as early as in school when I was only still entering puberty. I was the guy in the back of the room, with the long hair, who tried to hide from being noticed and who was the target of almost everyone’s ridicule.

Skolfest_1980

About to party, 1983

I read books about hobbits and talking animals, I made strange drawings of ducks,smurfs, rabbits and of characters from Star Wars and  the Asterix comics, I wrote strange stories and I listened to weird music.  I played with dolls. And I let my hair grow to down below my shoulders. I didn’t participate in any fighting or sports. I had only one friend – a guy. Only got to play with the girls during recess, or be all alone, because none of the guys wanted me around. Of course I must be gay. Maybe that’s why my childhood friend stopped seeing me once we got into our teens. I always thought it was because I was such a nerd but perhaps I seemed like a gay sissy too.

Anyway, it didn’t bother me what anyone thought. I always knew who and what I am. Again, I have nothing against homosexuality, I’m just not in that closet waiting to come out. However, I suspect some of the boys and later men who have called me gay may have had a closet of their own to deal with coming out of. I’m only guessing.

Mostly though, I think they were only trying to intimidate me or insult me or perhaps they were jealous of me having better luck talking to some of the women because I was able to make decent conversation. At least I could in a chat room but certainly not while I was in school. In those days I was terrified of talking to any girl for whatever reason. And when I say terrified, I mean terrified. Torture seemed like a better alternative.

This little story stopped making sense long ago. I’m aware of that. However – I’m getting close to the end of it now so you have only a few more sentences to read yet. A few more sentences like this one, which starts off like it will be leading you towards some sort of meaning at the other end but in fact it just stops suddenly. Annoying, isn’t it? I should know, it happens to me all the time. How and why, are not valid questions at this time.

The end.

Things I don’t understand, part 1

Published 06/15/2012 by MoonieZ

Some things I see in the world around me that I don’t understand.

Heard some teenage boys talking on the bus while I was going to the office this morning. They were bragging about not having done all the schoolwork they were supposed to and still getting grades for it because the teacher had trusted them to have done it all.  To me that’s nothing to brag about. I’d be ashamed, but the times they are a-changing  it seems .

I thought of some recent news I had read about the state of the Swedish education system. Students are given higher grades on average but they are learning less. This is a problem. The grades are no longer reflecting what you have actually learned but rather how popular the school is that you have attended. All of this has happened after the reformation of the education system in Sweden that made it possible for students to freely choose which school to enroll in  and not automatically be placed in the one closest to where they  live.

This leads to a competition between schools in order to attract as many students as possible because each student means more income for the school in the form of government funding, i.e. tax money. One way to compete is to promise high grades.  It also means that those students who don’t make a choice of school have to make do with schools that have fewer resources and where most students would in fact benefit from more resources in order to get the education they need. At those schools grades are lower on average  but students are still learning less.

Also, I’m wondering if the arrival of all this new information technology is somewhat to blame for the state of education. It seems owning and using a “smartphone”  in some cases somehow translates into a “dumb user”.

“I have all the knowledge in the world at my fingertips, so why bother to learn any of  it, as  in load it into my brain, when all I need to do is punch in a web link and look up a page whenever I need to know something.”  Well, how will you know if the  information you find is accurate if you have not learned enough to be able to evaluate it?

I believe there are no short cuts to learning even if many seems to be looking for all kinds of ways to avoid doing the hard work in order to reach the result. Of course sitting down, reading page after page of boring textbooks is a pain sometimes but I think it’s still the way to learning. Not the only way but a road that still has to be travelled in order to reach the final destination.

Another thing,  not related to the above, but still maybe a sign of the times. In a  Swedish online newspaper today I read about a homeless guy in Texas who had found some money some time ago and now been granted the right to keep them since no other person had been found to claim them. The comments online to this news from people in Sweden were sad to read. Many were not able to simply rejoice in a fellow human beings good fortune. Instead there were many jealous  and degrading comments made.

 

Happy!

Published 11/01/2011 by MoonieZ

I’m happy today. I got my text back from the teacher and I have passed. Which means I’m finally finished with my studies at the University and can now collect my degree. I’m now officially educated. Only took 14 years to do it. Well 4 years of full-time study and then a few months writing and reading after a 10 year long  break. Not intended but that’s how it is. I’m glad to be done.

Now I can start looking for other types of work and even  have the chance to be able to get a job doing something else than what I’ve done so far.

That certain girl

Published 10/25/2011 by MoonieZ

I know how it started. I remember who that certain girl was. The years have passed but the memories remain. It was probably at school. I’m certain it was at school. As a young child growing up I had very few friends. I remember playing with some of the other kids living along the same street but I can only remember one real friend from those years.  A boy of the same age. We remained friends up to around 12 years old. Then he began to not want to hang out with me because he wanted to be with the older kids and I was still very much a child. Didn’t care for the same things so the friendship faded out.

Anyway, this post is not about that. This post is about that certain girl. In the first years of school she was a blonde girl in my class. I had a crush for a while. At that age it was not easy to identify what the feeling was but I remember I really liked her. For a while. I never really knew her but I liked her. A few years passed and that certain girl became a brunette. Probably because I had seen Star Wars and developed a crush on Princess Leia (Carrie Fisher) so that certain girl at school had to look somewhat like Princess Leia – or at least be a brunette. There happened to be one certain girl in my class who was a brunette and actually looked a little like Princess Leia.  I never got to know her though – not more than as a friend in class. Probably just as well. She never knew about how I felt anyway. I didn’t really mind at that age. I prefered to keep my feelings to myself as I was a bullied boy. And shy, and insecure and scared of my own shadow. Well not really. With the exception of school being a pain due to the bullying, I was feeling safe and secure and enjoyed creating my own world in my mind.

Another couple of years passed and that certain girl was a blonde. Not one in my class but in  another one, at the bigger school I had recently started at. That certain girl was very pretty and I guess I really fell for her. Except she never knew about it. Not that I didn’t try to let her know in my own very twisted way. I was thirteen but not at all sure about what I was feeling actually was. So I remember writing some kind of letter. If I ever sent it is a matter of debate. I might have but I can no longer remember. Anyway that certain girl never knew about my feelings, of that I’m sure. And I didn’t really mind. Everything was still very innocent. At least in my world.

Another year or year and a half passed and that certain girl was a brunette. I guess the reader can now sense a certain pattern emerging. I certainly do sense a pattern. This certain girl was in my class and I actually talked to her before having a crush and even during the crush and also after. What was talked about was actually nothing special, mostly about school and studying but still it was talking to a certain girl, and you have to start somewhere.

Then I left for high school and got into a new class. That certain girl was now a…brunette again. Sorry, so much for a pattern. Anyway, I remember talking to that certain girl a bit now and then but she never really knew me and she never knew how I felt about her.  Maybe half a year later that certain girl was a blonde. This time it all started because she approached me. I was minding my own business and didn’t really care much about her before she suddenly talked to me a lot. I didn’t even know how to respond for some time but gradually I probably fell in love with her. I do remember being madly in love and wanting to do something about but not knowing what or how. I wrote a letter asking to be friends. Yes, I was a coward then too. So it became a kind of awkward friendship that lasted a few years beyond school but it kind of ended when I told her of my true feelings and got rejected by the words “I’ve never seen you as anything but a friend”. I was devastated, dead. It took many years to recover from that day.

So many years that I was around 24 before I ever let myself feel anything towards a certain girl again and this time that certain girl was a brunette. She worked at the same store as I did and she was a few years older and I think she flirted with me but I was too shy and scared to respond but inside I of course fell fo her instantly. Never dared to even try to find out what could have been as I was too afraid of rejection.

A year or two later that certain girl was a blonde. Again she worked at the same store as I did and this time around I did my best to be mature about the matter. Whatever mature means…I’m still not sure I’ve figured that one out. Anyway I remained calm and let things run its own pace. Which means that nothing ever happened. I think it was just as well.

Shortly after this I started at the University and after about 6 months that certain girl was a blonde again. I remember she smiled at me once and that was about all it took. Well I admit I just let my imagination run away with me this time. I think I even tried to let her know about my feelings but as usual I wasn’t too good at being straight forward about the whole affair so it ended in nothing.

Then the years passed and I devoted my time to studying. Around the last year of study I encountered a certain girl online and I found myself having those loving feelings again. Much to my surprise. Anyway the whole thing developed into some kind of friendship for a year or two but nothing was really serious, I guess. Looking back I can only feel like a fool when I think of how I felt and acted but it was a learning experience.

Almost right away after this that certain girl was once again a blonde (however not a real blonde, I learned after a while) and this time I was not looking for love but instead some kind of love happened over time. It took a few years of close friendship but then there was a time of real love, real feelings and I almost acted upon it but was too scared to really do anything. I had health problems during most of this time so I blamed that for never meeting that certain girl in real life. The feelings of love faded and the friendship remained but started to fade too as time passed and things happened in our lives. However this certain girl remains the best friend I’ve had so far. I am very happy for everything this experience taught me about myself and about others.

What about now? Is there another certain girl? What do you think?

Peace.

It’s Monday evening

Published 09/05/2011 by MoonieZ

Hello, I’m back!

Where did I go? Nowhere.

But I’m back to tell the world I’m alive. Also that the text I have been struggling with for months is now very,very nearly all done. I have only to add a few details and then this nightmare will be over. Then I hope the text will be approved by the teacher at the university so that I can collect my degree. At last. Only 10 years overdue. It certainly feel good to be able to look for work with a degree from the university. Might open some other roads to travel along.  So this was the first good news of the day.

The second good news is that the car is repaired and will be ready to use in just a few weeks. I do look forward to drive again. Will make life easier around here.

So today has been a pretty good day so far. My only hope is that things continue to be good. It would be nice to have some days of good news now.

Even though the clouds have gathered and the rain has started to fall I feel pretty good. I have things to be happy about. Not just the good news of today. So it means my blog posts will not be very good but I don’t care. I prefer to be happy if there is a choice to be made. The best would be to have both. Don’t know what the odds are for that happening.

Peace.

Old times II – The end

Published 03/09/2011 by MoonieZ

[First draft written January 19,2011. Published March 10, 2011. Edited October 30, 2011. ]

Right.  Again a return to the scene of the crime.

Winter, January. 1986. Another time, another place. The hallways of the local high school. Seated on the floor along the wall the triumvirate: MoonieZ, the Intellectual and Nose-Picking Drummer.

Remember the first part of this epic? If not, who’s to blame you?

Anyway, there they were. Caught up in one of their endless debates about what was wrong with the world and how they could solve everything if they were given absolute power to rule. I promised I would introduce MoonieZ’s friends, classmates, at a later time. That time has now come.

First, the Intellectual. Of course this guy had a common name like everyone else but for reasons of creative freedom I choose to present him as the Intellectual. This guy liked to read, listen to music, lecture everyone about his superiority  and always managed to stir up arguments. He claimed to be liberal and was not fond of the then ruling Social Democratic Party or the general state of the Swedish society.  The  other guy –  Nose-Picking Drummer – was not as interested in politics but had a tendency to label most things discussed as “bizarre”. That was his most often used word: bizarre. Everything and everybody could at any given moment be labelled bizarre. That, the fact that he never stopped picking his nose and that he used to break wind at not too suitable times, made him the perfect third wheel (well…as perfect as was possible).  That he knew how to play the drums and had some grasp of rock’n’roll music was a bonus. MoonieZ accepted that his friends at school were somewhat odd because he was somewhat odd too. He also appreciated to have some people to talk to. Pass the time between classes.

However this January MoonieZ’s thoughts were often elsewhere while the triumvirate debated the latest global problems. MoonieZ had his mind focused on that girl in his class who had suddenly started to talk to him about a year ago.  He could not understand why. His mind had been constantly occupied by trying to figure out why this beautiful girl had suddenly started to talk to him. Out of the blue. At a time when there was nobody else around. Talked to him like they were friends, like she knew him. From that moment MoonieZ had thought of ways to communicate his thoughts and feelings because to simply tell her how he felt about her was out of the question. That would be too easy. And easy was not MoonieZ’s game.

So, he had written her a letter. In English. Sent it during the Christmas break and was now waiting for the reaction. MoonieZ’s mind was set on complete failure. Disaster to be precise. Nothing else could possibly happen. Yet, somewhere down at the bottom of his heart he had another optional outcome hidden. Very well hidden. So well hidden that nobody else could possibly ever guess. Or so he thought. The truth was he had the word CRUSH written all over him in bright shining letters. Everybody could see it from miles away but MoonieZ could not. To him ,his appearance was perfectly innocent. Not a hint of a crush on anyone.  A straight face.

The endless winter days rolled on at their own gloomy pace until the day arrived when MoonieZ got home from school, opened the mailbox and found – a letter. What else. Well, for the sake of the story he could have found a bomb. Would  have made things slightly less predictable. Don’t you think ? I try not to.

MoonieZ opened the letter, read it and suddenly felt very happy. He would be able to go to school the next day without fear of ridicule – and – he had a friend.  Maybe not exactly what he had hoped for but close enough to be considered half a victory. He immediately started writing a reply. Still in English. It would take a few letters before he managed to write them in Swedish without feeling too awkward. But that’s another story. If it will be told or not depends on if I feel like telling it.

Peace!


%d bloggers like this: