I’ve been terrible friend at times. Probably most of the time, because I’ve rarely had any real friends. There, I admitted it. An ugly truth but it needed to be told. I’m not a good friend person. I have tried to learn how to be a good friend but to be honest I am sure I still have a lot to learn in that department.
Anyway, I have had some friends. Still have some people I count as friends in my life.
Today I got an email from one friend, a person who used to be a very good and close friend, for the first time in six months. It made me very happy to read that email. Very happy to know my old friend is still alive and at least living.
The coincidence being I saw that email right after having watched the movie The Social Network about the creation of Facebook. Since that movie is somewhat about friendship, it got me thinking, especially after reading the email, about my own way of being a friend and how I treat those I call my friends. Not always a pretty picture.
I’ve not always been there when I should have, I’ve avoided confrontation, I’ve not always been honest about why I haven’t been around and other things like that. I’ve been a coward, I’ve been selfish. But I’m working on being a better friend.
Because I really want to be a better friend. To all my friends. Because my friends mean a lot to me. More than they know.
Hey it’s me again! Your friendly morale officer Moonshine Glowsinthedark. I’m here to tell you how I spent my weekend.
Saturday & Sunday.
1. Went to sleep at 4 am or something, Saturday morning. Little hard to remember as I was not awake. 2. Got up again at some point. 3. Checked Twitter, Tumblr & email. 4. Checked the cam site MFC. 5. Listened to music. 6. Didn’t have breakfast but started eating chocolate. 7. Must have watched pictures and/or videos because I seem to remember having masturbated at some point during the day. 8. Started to feel ill or sick in the early afternoon. 9. Went to have a nap while getting dinner ready or after or before, not really sure. 10. Slept a bit after dinner too. Felt better. 11. Got back to reading tweets and listening to music. 12. Was at MFC for a bit looking around. 18. Checked Tumblr and re-blogged a lot of stuff. 19. Fell asleep sitting at computer. 20. Woke up and was awake a while. 21 Decided to sleep in bed and went to bed. Got up again around midnight and checked the usual stuff. 22. Felt sleepy around 3 am and went back to sleep. 23. Woke up again at 8 am. Got up. 24. Checked Twitter. Checked Tumblr and checked MFC. 25. Listened to music through Spotify and decided to write a blog post. 26. Started writing but stopped after a few sentences to watch a video. 27. Daydreamed a while. 28. Watched video again while beginning to masturbate. 29. Interrupted by uncle coming to visit. 30. Helped uncle to check the car to prepare for inspection tomorrow morning. 31. Back at computer. Checked Twitter & Tumblr. 32. Decided to write this blog post. 33. Wrote this blog post. 34. Published this blog post. 35. Will masturbate again since I didn’t get to finish before. 36. Later I will try to have a quick shower and wash my hair even though the water is not really warm enough. Must have that fixed very soon. 37. Rest of evening don’t know what I’ll do but probably much of the same as the other evening. 38. Go to sleep at a decent hour.
Funny thing happened today on the way to… Actually, nothing funny happened. Nothing funny at all.
All I did this morning: 1. Woke up 2. Checked Twitter 3. Got up 4. Checked emails 5. Checked Tumblr 6. Checked blog stats 7. Checked Hayden Hart’s blog (you all should check it) 8. Checked my mail and profile page at MFC 9. Looked at pictures 10. Looked at video 11. Masturbated 12. Washed my face, combed hair, brushed teeth 13. Got dressed 14. Went to the bus stop. 15 Got on the bus 16. Got on the commuter train 17. Got on another commuter train 18. Arrived at the office 19. Switched on computer 20. Started to type
All I did today: 1. Checked Twitter every 10 minutes 2. Checked email every hour 3. Daydreamed of You 4. Typed 5. Listened to music 6. Typed some more 7. Daydreamed of You again 8. Moved to a new room in the building 9. Went home by bus 10. Grocery shopped 11. Arrived home 12. Had dinner (pizza) 13. Checked Twitter on home pc 14. Tweeted You good morning 15. Sent out my #FF’s in reverse order 16. Went to chat at MFC 17. Started Spotify to listen to music 18. Reblogged stuff on Tumblr 19. Decided to write this 20. Finished writing this
OK. Standing at the station, watching the train of life leave. Missed again. Same old story. When people decide to unfollow based on me talking too much or being too loving or whatever the reason and yet telling me I’m wonderful but they can’t follow me anyway, I kind of feel like I’ve been kicked in the gut for no real reason. At least not a reason I can understand. It wasn’t as if there was a close friendship. It was just another internet friend I liked to chat with from time to time, have some fun and some laughs. Share some jokes. And after such a long time when my twitter timeline has looked the same to use an excuse like the one that was served to me just don’t fly. Anyway, I’ve decided to let it be and simply move on.
I’ve got other things bothering me a lot more. I have the dreaded feeling of having set myself up for heartbreak. Again. In fact I think it’s already a fact. I know the exact moment my heart shattered again. It hurt like hell but it wasn’t like a bolt of lightning from a clear blue sky.
I have had it coming for a time. It’s been a feeling that has grown on me even though I’ve tried to shake it off and pretend to have been mistaken. Matter of fact is that I am not mistaken about how I choose to feel about the whole thing. It was inevitable I would arrange for myself to end up in this situation. Having to act without any guidance and without any idea of what I’m doing except trying my best to express myself I could only fall on my face.
However, I’m still around and I intend to remain being around. I’m not the type to hide and run. I am known to be reliable and to stand fast even in the face of defeat. Also, I don’t give up on friends very easily. So – I remain the friend I’ve always been and continue being me. Nothing else I can do anyway. Nothing else I want to do.
A nice evening in July it is and I should be so busy outside. However I am not in the mood for garden work. I’m more in the mood for some music and a drink and a little walk down the winding pathways of my memories.
Having a sense of having seen it all before brings some comfort and makes it all easier to handle. At least I gave it all I had. What more can anyone do. Life goes on. It’s not so bad as it was the first time. I know I’ll be ok and I know I am ok. Tonight I will have some fun and it will be fine.
Miss my old friend though. Wish things would be different – or like they used to be when it was good. Now all I have are memories of the good old days.
Oh well – friends come and go. Only a few stay for very long and only one or two remain for life. I had a hope I had such a friend – and for about 10 years I had – but it seems I might have to cultivate another friendship in order to achieve it again. Be that as it may. In my heart my friend will always remain my friend no matter if we ever talk again.
I promised myself I wouldn’t write a bitter or angry post about these matters. I almost published one yesterday that I had written in a kind of rage but I didn’t. Would not have been good. Was good to write it though – and get the feelings out of my system. To publish it would have been childish and gone totally against who I am or who I want to be.
I’m glad I was able to control my feelings enough to leave it unpublished.
Did I know why I am writing this today? No, not really.
In fact I don’t know why I’m doing anything but I seem to be doing it all the same. Anyway, never mind. Will be back to my old low standards very soon. Right now though I’m slightly confused. Nothing new about that but it still bothers me.
Lately, I have neglected this blog. This is because twitter and Tumblr keeps taking time away from posting here. Have noticed people still seems to visit this blog but I guess they must be disappointed when they don’t find a lot of new and entertaining posts anymore.
I will do my best to change that as quickly as possible.
While you wait you might want to admire the apple blossoms below this post.
I find myself devoting more time to my Tumblr account lately. I haven’t really thought about what to use it for but it seems to have turned into a sort of display window of my interests. I usually add music, pictures and also some reblogs from other pages. Mostly I keep from writing anything. I think I do enough writing on Twitter and here. To have one place dedicated to other forms of expression is rather good.
I had this insane idea I should type something here today. Weird, I know. However, here I am and typing. Not sure about what but something is bound to come out of this random string of words. Always have, always will. So they say anyway. Who are they? I don’t know but they seem to say a lot about a lot a lot of the time. Indeed this is my first new post in a long time. Have been so busy doing a lot of stuff lately so haven’t had time for blog updates. Been mostly updating at Twitter and Tumblr. I will try to better myself though but I make no promises. This blog has been around for a long time now. Next month it will be 6 years since I started this blog over at Blogger.com. I will of course celebrate. Somehow.
What else is new. Spring has come. Weather is sunny and getting warmer. My allergy has started again. Not as bad as some years ago but I still have to use medication if I don’t want to be too bothered by sneezing and itching.
I managed to change the tires on the car all by myself. Almost. One tire had to be changed at the auto repair shop, but it didn’t cost me anything.
My mother had a bad case of the flu for the past week but now slowly getting her strength back.
At the office there are more new people starting. Things are really starting to happen. My writing project is almost done. I will be very happy when it is finished. Been wanting to finish it for a long time.