what can you do, but keep on loving.
Hate is not the answer.
what can you do, but keep on loving.
Hate is not the answer.
Hey there people….
So this is December and what have I learned? Another year over and a new one waiting in the wings ready to begin.
Lots of changes this year. Well, perhaps only a few but still changes.
Changed place of “work” twice. Not for the better but still I hang on because there is nothing else I can do. I’m learning some Photoshop for the time being. Not the most fun I’ve ever had, I’d rather be working on my own projects or at least be writing like I did at the beginning of this year.
Been unemployed now for six whole years since my last employment. Counting all the time of unemployment I’m at a total of seven and a half years and still running. No change in sight but I still keep my hope against hope, I will get lucky one of these days.
I can hear some people say, Hey dude you’re doing something wrong! It can’t be that hard to find a paying job, not even for a loser like you!
You might be right. Then again, I can’t tell because all I know is that I have been trying for all these years and the results are what they are, regardless of how I or you feel about it or what we might think is the reason behind it all. Looking back is useless. I’m going to go on. I can point my finger at myself and say I’m to blame but does it really help in the long run? I’m still stuck where I am and I’m the one who has to get me unstuck. Do I do that by constantly blaming myself for not getting unstuck fast enough or by actually using my energy to continue to try getting unstuck? You be the judge, I know what I think.
Enough is enough.
I still live like a loner. No change there. Nobody fell in love with me this year too. I didn’t fall in love with anyone. Not that there has been a great number of possible lovers around. I have to get out of my comfort zone for anything to change in that department. I’ve known that a long time but I still do nothing about it. Maybe I’ve given up. Or perhaps I just think it takes too much time and energy away from this job hunting thing.
Anyway I’ve had plenty of dates with Miss Righty, she’s always available for a bit of fun. Luckily she has never refused my invitation after all these years.
Pathetic. Still the truth. Laugh it up. It’s on me.
Sons of Anarchy ended the only way it could. Inspired by Shakespeare tragedy as it was. A very entertaining piece of television drama. Even if all of the seven seasons weren’t really all great the final ride was one hell of a ride from start to finish.
The fifth season of The Walking Dead has been a bit of hit and miss even of it is still better than most of season four so far. Will return with a final verdict once the whole season is finished.
Game of Thrones still keeps me wanting more even if I have trouble with the author’s habit of killing off all the interesting characters every now and then, with a few exceptions of course.
Out of all the cooking shows starring the great Gordon Ramsay, I still like MasterChef USA the most. Even though Hell’s Kitchen is a strong contender for the number one spot.
I have made an effort to start watching other shows during the year but not really been hooked by any as much the ones I mention above.
Many movies have passed by my eyes also. Thanks to Netflix and HBO Nordic. Too many to mention any titles.
Then, last but not least, the music. Spotify keeps me listening to all my favorites old and new. I still have my one big playlist that I keep editing as the tracks come and go. I add and subtract and still it stays like a portrait of my soul. The soundtrack of my life.
Oh yeah, it snowed today.
Evening! Or night. rather, as it is past midnight when this is written – or typed. Best to be honest, never know who might be reading this. That’s the beauty of a public blog. I never know who reads it or when or where they do it. Of course I know of some who reads it – the ones who lets me know about it by leaving comments or sends me tweets or email. But those aren’t that many, and I know I have some followers of this blog so I suppose they read it – at least from time to time. Then there are those who arrive at my blog at random, from all over the world. I never know who they are but I notice they have been here.
Funny, when I started back in the summer of 2005, I didn’t think anyone would bother to read anything here. Or at least not many and not a lot. In fact, I only started because of one person asking me if I was doing anything creative. She’s still around the internet, I still see her online from time to time. Probably I have written this before but I’ll do it once more just to say thanks for the inspiration to get me started. Who knows if I’d still be here typing almost nine years later if I had never entered that chat room over at that site and started talking.
Lately, I have found my blog to be lacking in good writing. I don’t post a lot, and when I do I find my texts to be short, shallow and mostly pointless parades of random words. Not like it used to be. Over the years I have published some very personal texts dealing with my life in many ways.
Dreams don’t come true if they’re not pursued. Dreaming it is not enough. You have to chase the dream. Catch it and make it real. I have just been dreaming my life away, never getting started. Probably my fear of failure is to blame, which means the only person I can point my finger at is me, myself and I. My fault. All my fault.
Never got going, never wanted it bad enough to run after it and risk not catching up to it. Rather just keep dreaming while time runs away.
Same story about almost everything. Like love. Don’t even get me started on that topic. Endless row of failures, of maybe I ought to but what if I fail type of moments.
Been chasing love in all the wrong places with all the wrong tools. In fact, have yet to figure out how to chase it down at all. How the damn game is played.
So, stuck at watching John Hughes old movies and let my thoughts shake hands with my memories of youth while my dreams of romance slips its damp hand into mine and takes me for a stroll in dreamland.
Yeah, at least there’s one genius in the family: my oldest nephew – the music video director. Below this text of mine you’ll find a new directing and editing effort of his.
So damn proud of him. When we grew up, he was like my little brother more than he was my nephew and I always knew he’d get where he wanted to go. Wouldn’t let anything stop him. Unlike me he seems to have managed his fears of failure, been courageous enough to keep on going no matter how long or how hard the road.
Veronica Maggio – Hela huset (ft. Håkan Hellström)
There’s a tv show starting over here in my part of world under the title Biggest Loser. From what I’ve gathered it’s a show about very heavy people losing weight and often very fast. To be honest I have never watched it but the new season of it seems to be about losing weight in order have a greater chance of finding love and enter into relationships. As if the amount of body weight would be the only difference between success or failure when it comes to love and romance.
I seriously doubt that body weight is the one ultimate key to success in the social arena, but if people want to believe it and use the chance of romance at the end of the line as a motivating factor to lose some weight, fine by me. I’m not here to judge anyone.
Speaking for myself though, I have never thought of any connection between my body, weight or they way I look and my problems in the social arena. I think I’m a plain, average looking guy and I have never thought of myself as ugly or handsome or that my appearance is a problem for me. I have always seen my problems as related to my thinking and my inability to learn how to play the social game. To me the problems are all in my mind and have nothing to do with how I look or how much I weigh or how tall I am.
Over the years and more often when I was younger, I got some compliments on how I look and how I dress which only served to make me feel awkward but looking back it also made me a little more confident. I remember thinking: at least I look ok, if only I could get my head straight as well I’d have nothing to worry about.
So where am I going with this ramble? Only to this: I’m happy with the way I look and with my body but there’s always room for improvement.
Why I write this is because of all the times I have written about my social problems and I only wanted to point out that I don’t think my body is to blame for any of them.
Right. This may be a total surprise to some readers, but the story has to be told. Well, it hasn’t got to be told but I feel like telling it. So I will. My blog, my rules. OK?
This is the story of the one and only date I’ve ever had – yet.
Was it a “date” date? It was. Because I did ask the girl out to go see a movie. I did it in a letter I sent. However, she then called me to set up the day and time which makes me a wimp for not doing it myself.
This happened more than 25 years ago so don’t judge me too harshly. I haven’t improved much since then. I’m still the same shy, awkward type of fella as I was then. Anyway, I was a teen of 19 so what could I expect of myself? Don’t answer that.
Why that movie? Simple: the girl was a fan of Harrison Ford at the time – and so was I. So the choice of movie was easy.
Why a date at all? Well, it was my idea. She accepted, even though she was already seeing some guy she had met while studying Spanish in Spain. She also knew I had been madly in love with her for a year or more and she probably had some pity for me, the eternal loser. Or, I don’t know. I never asked and she never told me any real reason why she accepted. Probably she went along because she still liked me as a friend and wanted to see the movie.
I am pretty sure it was winter when all this happened. Somehow I can’t remember what month but I know it must have been after our graduation from highschool. So that means it was probably early 1987.
Where I picked her up, I’m not sure about. Probably not at her house. Most likely we met at the train station in the city and then walked to the cinema together. I don’t remember anything we talked about before the movie started. All I remember is paying for the tickets and feeling kind of silly when I refused to let her pay her own way. You can see where this is going, right?
In the theater, we got our seats and then I can only remember awkward silence while the film screened. At one point I looked over and noticed she was asleep. While I sat through the whole film knowing that this was as close as I would ever get to her- the girl of my dreams at that point – and who I thought was the love of my life. Little did I know then – and now.
Had I known anything about my future in terms of relations with women, I probably would have thrown myself under a train that same night. No, I’m not serious about that last point. Things got somewhat better. Sort of.
I didn’t get to go on any more dates but I did meet some nice women along the way, even though I often thought I never would.
Not many, but a few. And a few of those few, I actually liked and even fewer I felt kind of in love with. Of course they didn’t feel that way about me. At least not any of the ones I told about my feelings. The ones I told were very few. Very few. The ones I loved were also very few.
It’s not like I go around and see some girl once, from a distance, and then fall madly in love. Not like that at all. Most of the time it takes some time and some kind of communication, some kind of friendly interaction, some getting to know her, before I will even consider the possibility of feelings. And for me to feel in love, it takes a lot more than just a hello, a pretty face and a cute smile. At least I think that’s how it works but I might be mistaken.
Anyway, I’m drifting away from the point of this story.
The point is my fear of women. I wasn’t aware of this fear at the time of my one and only date, to date, but I learned it later even though I refused to accept it for many years after learning about it too.
I mean, what grown man would want to admit he’s afraid of women? Do you know of anyone? I only know of one – me. I’m scared of women. That’s my problem.
Now I will try to make this long story short but it might still be hard to understand. This is the first time I really try to tell it so I hope you will not judge me too harshly if I don’t manage to make sense.
However, this part of the story will follow in a separate post as it is still not written. I have been kind of lazy during the holidays and I’m still not sure what it is that I really want to tell the world about this subject.
No, it wasn’t the content of my napkin after blowing my nose.
I was reading the evening paper online. I do that. Sometimes. Just for fun. Or for passing the time. Whatever.
Today I read it too. A little article about looking for signs of love. About seeing signs of love appear around you. What they look like. I thought about it. When I look around, do I see signs of love? What do they look like?
Yes, I see signs of love around me when I look for it. Sometimes a lot, sometimes none at all. Some people show a lot more love than others. There are also different types of love and different ways to show love. All of this I notice too. But I don’t often think about it.
Sometimes I wonder if I show any love at all for anyone or anything. What do I do? How do I do it? Does it get noticed? Sometimes I remember not to think too much about these matters. It only serves to make me worried and depressed. However, I can’t always stop thinking about it anyway.
In case this is somewhat confusing to you all – don’t worry. There will not be a test at the end. In fact – this is the end.
No, no, no. Don’t get me wrong. I have nothing against darkness. Nothing against the dark. Nothing against the concept of darkness. Nothing at all. Just that what I am thinking of right now is the way writing works when it works. When it really works.
Writing points the way out of the dark and into the light. Reading a really good book, a really good story, a really amazing text, has the same effect upon my being.
Of course – a good film, a great play or a poetic piece of music and lyrics can work the same magic but to me the most effective magic are the written words, the words I write or the words of others.
Only rarely do I reach the light through the writing. When it happens, I’m more than happy. I find a happiness only equaled by the one love, real love can bring about.
I keep searching, I keep trying. Rarely do I succeed. Words are not always my best friends. Many times there is a struggle to get them where they end up to be. Sometimes, they never find their proper order.
But when they do. Oh, when they do. Those rare moments are not possible to define in words, they have to be experienced, felt, lived.
Once it happens, that’s when you really know. Until then, all you can do is guess what it might be like but your guess will never be anyway near the true, real feeling.
I know how it started. I remember who that certain girl was. The years have passed but the memories remain. It was probably at school. I’m certain it was at school. As a young child growing up I had very few friends. I remember playing with some of the other kids living along the same street but I can only remember one real friend from those years. A boy of the same age. We remained friends up to around 12 years old. Then he began to not want to hang out with me because he wanted to be with the older kids and I was still very much a child. Didn’t care for the same things so the friendship faded out.
Anyway, this post is not about that. This post is about that certain girl. In the first years of school she was a blonde girl in my class. I had a crush for a while. At that age it was not easy to identify what the feeling was but I remember I really liked her. For a while. I never really knew her but I liked her. A few years passed and that certain girl became a brunette. Probably because I had seen Star Wars and developed a crush on Princess Leia (Carrie Fisher) so that certain girl at school had to look somewhat like Princess Leia – or at least be a brunette. There happened to be one certain girl in my class who was a brunette and actually looked a little like Princess Leia. I never got to know her though – not more than as a friend in class. Probably just as well. She never knew about how I felt anyway. I didn’t really mind at that age. I prefered to keep my feelings to myself as I was a bullied boy. And shy, and insecure and scared of my own shadow. Well not really. With the exception of school being a pain due to the bullying, I was feeling safe and secure and enjoyed creating my own world in my mind.
Another couple of years passed and that certain girl was a blonde. Not one in my class but in another one, at the bigger school I had recently started at. That certain girl was very pretty and I guess I really fell for her. Except she never knew about it. Not that I didn’t try to let her know in my own very twisted way. I was thirteen but not at all sure about what I was feeling actually was. So I remember writing some kind of letter. If I ever sent it is a matter of debate. I might have but I can no longer remember. Anyway that certain girl never knew about my feelings, of that I’m sure. And I didn’t really mind. Everything was still very innocent. At least in my world.
Another year or year and a half passed and that certain girl was a brunette. I guess the reader can now sense a certain pattern emerging. I certainly do sense a pattern. This certain girl was in my class and I actually talked to her before having a crush and even during the crush and also after. What was talked about was actually nothing special, mostly about school and studying but still it was talking to a certain girl, and you have to start somewhere.
Then I left for high school and got into a new class. That certain girl was now a…brunette again. Sorry, so much for a pattern. Anyway, I remember talking to that certain girl a bit now and then but she never really knew me and she never knew how I felt about her. Maybe half a year later that certain girl was a blonde. This time it all started because she approached me. I was minding my own business and didn’t really care much about her before she suddenly talked to me a lot. I didn’t even know how to respond for some time but gradually I probably fell in love with her. I do remember being madly in love and wanting to do something about but not knowing what or how. I wrote a letter asking to be friends. Yes, I was a coward then too. So it became a kind of awkward friendship that lasted a few years beyond school but it kind of ended when I told her of my true feelings and got rejected by the words “I’ve never seen you as anything but a friend”. I was devastated, dead. It took many years to recover from that day.
So many years that I was around 24 before I ever let myself feel anything towards a certain girl again and this time that certain girl was a brunette. She worked at the same store as I did and she was a few years older and I think she flirted with me but I was too shy and scared to respond but inside I of course fell fo her instantly. Never dared to even try to find out what could have been as I was too afraid of rejection.
A year or two later that certain girl was a blonde. Again she worked at the same store as I did and this time around I did my best to be mature about the matter. Whatever mature means…I’m still not sure I’ve figured that one out. Anyway I remained calm and let things run its own pace. Which means that nothing ever happened. I think it was just as well.
Shortly after this I started at the University and after about 6 months that certain girl was a blonde again. I remember she smiled at me once and that was about all it took. Well I admit I just let my imagination run away with me this time. I think I even tried to let her know about my feelings but as usual I wasn’t too good at being straight forward about the whole affair so it ended in nothing.
Then the years passed and I devoted my time to studying. Around the last year of study I encountered a certain girl online and I found myself having those loving feelings again. Much to my surprise. Anyway the whole thing developed into some kind of friendship for a year or two but nothing was really serious, I guess. Looking back I can only feel like a fool when I think of how I felt and acted but it was a learning experience.
Almost right away after this that certain girl was once again a blonde (however not a real blonde, I learned after a while) and this time I was not looking for love but instead some kind of love happened over time. It took a few years of close friendship but then there was a time of real love, real feelings and I almost acted upon it but was too scared to really do anything. I had health problems during most of this time so I blamed that for never meeting that certain girl in real life. The feelings of love faded and the friendship remained but started to fade too as time passed and things happened in our lives. However this certain girl remains the best friend I’ve had so far. I am very happy for everything this experience taught me about myself and about others.
What about now? Is there another certain girl? What do you think?
My father told me shortly before he died that I would be lucky in love if I was unlucky with money, but so far I haven’t had any luck with neither of the two. I know which one I’d prefer. Some might prefer both but I’m not that greedy. I think one is more valuable anyway. Which one? You’ll have to guess.
However I still remember what my father told me and I still think one day I’ll find out.