Confusion is the new clarity

I had a really bad night for some reason. Couldn’t sleep. Pains  here and there. Feeling mostly like crying or having a panic attack. Then at some point, I must have fallen asleep because in the morning I didn’t want to wake up or even get out of bed.

The rest of my day has been a lot better though. It seems I had to have that strange night to clear some things out of my system. Clear is not exactly right. For the time being it seems to have moved away to some dark corner of my brain.

Anyway, Spring is here. This weekend has been great in terms of weather. Only regret is that time moves too quickly when I’m off. Little time to do what I need to do. On the other hand I mostly want to sleep when I’m off (as in not having to go to the office place to waste my time at pointless stuff), so I usually wake up late.

Got some things done and still have a lot more to do.

Job search goes on without results. I always think about ways to improve it but nothing I try has helped so far. The problem is time. When I have such a long time of unemployment, finding ways to bridge the gap in the C V  is not easy. I’m thinking of a career in politics. Seems there isn’t too much skill required and if I manage to climb the ladder a bit the pay seems to be rather good.

A problem is I could probably never stick to the party line. I am not a member of any party because I object to some of  – or all of  – the ideas of every party in Sweden. The ones close to my view still have at least 20% opinions I don’t agree with.  But I guess there is always room for compromise.

Not sure my nerves could handle the pressures of being in the public eye though. I have never liked to be the center of attention. May sound like a contradiction considering my activity in social media but really, I don’t like attention to my person. My words, my writing is another matter. If I could be a politician in writing only, then maybe I’d go for it.

While I’m in fantasy land I might as well tell a story. Only problem is I have forgotten what it was.

So, I’m off.

Happy Sunday!

Sunny outside

Looking out at the fine spring weather. I could probably trick myself into thinking everything is great. It wouldn’t be true but it would feel good to tell myself that.

Funny how it is so hard to learn nothing stays the same, that time passes and everything changes. People change. I always think I stay the same but I only need to look in the mirror to tell it isn’t so. Yet I cling to that illusion of being able to hold on to a status forever. Freeze the frame. Sometimes I wish I could go backwards, return to the place in time I was happy and satisfied with life. Was there ever such a moment, such a place? If I could be there, would I really forever like it and not wish to change it eventually?

Yet, all I wish now is to find the way out of the place and time I’m in. Have it go away, replace it with something I might like better. No luck. All there is to do is get a grin and bear it. Nothing and nobody can save me unless I save myself. The problem is I have no solution. I don’t have any fight left in me. If I could I’d stay in bed all day and night. Not do anything about anything.

What I once looked for I don’t expect to find anywhere. I looked in all the wrong places. Went into situations with stupid expectations and no wonder I came out disappointed in the outcome of it all. It was my own mistake and I learned the lessons the hard way, one by one, year after year. Then some time ago it dawned on me what a fool I had been for so long. Or rather what a fool I had let myself become. Such an idiot. Gullible to the core. However sudden the awakening was it did do me good. With some perspective I can see that. Not without pain but still with some joy also.  I can’t undo what I learned so there is no way back to the old self but I can look back and remember the good parts. I don’t want to go back to that but I still can miss the feeling I had while I was there.

New days ahead. New spring ahead. Light and warmth returning. Nature comes back to life. Kind of the right time to make a fresh start. Question is: a fresh start of what?

Once I used to write stories, short and long. Fiction. I had ideas for characters and settings, plots and stories. I pictured myself as a Swedish answer to Tolkien or Stephen King. I would create worlds of wonder and mystery, or simply find the thrills in the everyday places. Nothing much became of that. Sure, I wrote a lot from early teens to mid-twenties, but then it seemed to stop. I started studying, things happened around me. For a long time all I wrote were papers, essays and reviews. Not a word of fiction. I kept feeding my imagination with movies and television, comics and some novels but I stopped writing fiction. Until this blog thing started. Here, after a while, I did write some short texts that were pure fiction. Not often but at least I gave it a try. Of course, I mostly wanted to try to be funny but nevertheless I was writing something again.

I have had ideas sometimes during the 20+ years of not writing any stories, of new stories to write, but I haven’t got to the point where I commit to writing them.  Somehow, I no longer picture myself as the writer stuck in his den, typing page after page of pure storytelling gold. Once upon long ago, that was my image of myself, my present self  and my future self. The writer, the author, making a living by writing stories everyone would want to read. Well, it was a nice dream.

Then the dream of a life in the academic world was born through my studies, a life as a scholar with days filled to the brim with research projects and perhaps some teaching on the side. Again, the ghost of Tolkien can be seen in the mists surrounding this dream. Short as it was. Ended when my studies crashed due to illness and other mishaps.

Along the side of this scholar dream I had a somewhat more realistic ambition to make a living from writing articles and reviews about movies and cinema. I had a short “career” in this field around the beginning of the millennium, but once again things didn’t pan out the way I wished.

Then all writing stopped for some years, except this blog. At the first place I was sent to as a part of the unemployment office program, I finished my studies after a very long pause of more than 10 years and later started writing all kinds of non-fiction texts. First I wrote for my own blog project that never  really got much attention and later for the internal newsletter of the place I was at. That newsletter got a lot of attention and also made me start to feel some confidence as a writer, which I had not felt for a long time, if ever. It dawned on me that I actually can write things that people like to read. The best part of it was to work with others in the editing staff though.  I got a taste of something I would like to work with for real. So, when it ended, with no good reason other than the rules of the program, I lost all of the good momentum I had been building. After that, at the new place, back to not having any good projects or anything to work with, I’m down and out.

No longer willing or able to do anything. Except look for jobs. My writing has stopped again. I see no point in trying to create things to write when I have no deadlines or any idea of who will be reading, or where or at all. Makes the work pointless. Except as therapy but I have this blog for that part. I use this as the outlet for my thoughts, feelings and everything else on my mind. I don’t want to write those things in an office surrounded by unknown people, not knowing who will be reading over my shoulder and get the wrong ideas by not having the full picture of who I am and where I’m coming from.

Sure, they might find this blog online and recognize me, but here the full picture is available – all the posts, all the way back to June 2005. Here, I’m in charge of what gets published and when. This is my personal blog, reflecting me and my life. Not a part of any program or aimed at a certain audience.

With that, I stop. This post has broken all the rules of a blog post already. On the other hand,I heard that blogs are on the way out, being replaced by other social media outlets. I don’t care. As long as I want to write, I’ll keep writing here.  There’s only so much that can be expressed with 140 characters anyway.

Words at random

Evening! Or night. rather, as it is past midnight when this is written – or typed.  Best to be honest, never know who might be reading this. That’s the beauty of a public blog. I never know who reads it or when or where they do it. Of course I know of some who reads it  – the ones who lets me know about it by leaving comments or sends me tweets or email. But those aren’t that many, and I know I have some followers of this blog so I suppose they read it – at least from time to time. Then there are those who arrive at my blog at random, from all over the world. I never know who they are but I notice they have been here.

Funny, when I started back in the summer of 2005, I didn’t think anyone would bother to read anything here. Or at least not many and not a lot. In fact, I only started because of one person asking me if I was doing anything creative. She’s still around the internet, I still see her online from time to time. Probably I have written this before but I’ll do it once more just to say thanks for the inspiration to get me started. Who knows if I’d still be here typing almost nine years later if I had never entered that chat room over at that site and started talking.

Lately, I have found my blog to be lacking in good writing. I don’t post a lot, and when I do I find my texts to be short, shallow and mostly pointless parades of random words. Not like it used to be. Over the years I have published some very personal texts dealing with my life in many ways.

Dreams don’t come true if they’re not pursued. Dreaming it is not enough. You have to chase the dream. Catch it and make it real. I have just been dreaming my life away, never getting started. Probably my fear of failure is to blame, which means the only person I can point my finger at is me, myself and I. My fault. All my fault.

Never got going, never wanted it bad enough to run after it and risk not catching up to it. Rather just keep dreaming while time runs away.

Same story about almost everything.  Like love. Don’t even get me started on that topic. Endless row of failures, of maybe I ought to but what if I fail type of moments.

Been chasing love in all the wrong places with all the wrong tools. In fact, have yet to figure out how to chase it down at all. How the damn game is played.

So, stuck at watching John Hughes old movies and let my thoughts shake hands with my memories of youth while my dreams of romance slips its damp hand into mine and takes me for a stroll in dreamland.

Yeah, at least there’s one genius in the family: my oldest nephew – the music video director.  Below this text of mine you’ll find a new directing and editing effort of his.

So damn proud of him. When we grew up, he was like my little brother more than he was my nephew and I always knew he’d get where he wanted to go. Wouldn’t let anything stop him. Unlike me he seems to have managed his fears of failure, been courageous enough to keep on going no matter how long or how hard the road.

Veronica Maggio – Hela huset (ft. Håkan Hellström)

Where

Still wonder where.

Earlier in the week I woke up from a nightmare.

I had been in a bus and got stuck next to two dogs fighting.  One was really huge and the other was tiny. The owner of the tiny dog tried to protect it but couldn’t when the huge dog attacked. The owner of the huge dog was unable to stop the attack. Suddenly a passenger grabbed the big dog and yanked it away from the tiny dog. At that moment the huge dog turned against the passenger and while doing so jumped right at me. That’s when I woke up.

Other times this week I have been feeling ill and out of it. Haven’t had much energy or motivation. Except for a few hours here and there when things have been good.

I see my life going downwards. Slowly but inevitably. My health is not good and getting worse. I try to change but it takes time and it seems I’m not able to make the effort needed. At least not now. Mostly I worry about my mental health though. I find myself becoming less and less attached to the world around me. Where my place is in the world I don’t know for sure anymore.

At the same time I do my daily chores the best I can. I go to the office, I read, I write, I think, I talk and I look for work. Try to keep the appearance of being in control.

In the evenings, at home, I read some, I follow the internet social media stuff and I listen to music or watch television or movies. Keep in the touch with some people.  Mostly feel lonely and out of it. Not a part of anything.

At night I sometimes sleep well but often wake up too early and can’t go back to sleep. Sometimes I imagine hearing strange noises, sometimes I think the noises I hear are strange. Dreams turn into nightmares.

I feel a huge pressure from everywhere to get myself out of my current situation, get a job and be “normal”. However, I can’t seem to do it. It’s been too long. I’m no longer the person I was 7 years ago when I still had a regular job. I’m older, I’m weaker and I have lost a lot of hope. I told myself many times to never give up but lately I don’t believe myself when I tell myself to keep going.

There are ways to move forward, there are ways out. Of course. However, the road to the destination has never seemed to be so far away before, almost out of sight. Like a mirage more than something real.

Still, I know that negative thinking is bad. I have struggled to keep thinking positive for years now. Without any result. Maybe it helped to keep me going but what’s the use of moving when you don’t get anywhere? Don’t answer that.  I know the answer is that eventually I will reach the destination if I keep moving. I just don’t have the will to move anymore. Sorry.

 

Dream on

It will happen. Yeah, right.  Tell me some more stories.

All I know is that nothing I dreamed of has happened but plenty of what I haven’t dreamed of has happened. Explain that, if you can.

So, back to the business of today.

For a time I have been feeling somewhat depressed. I lack energy, motivation and interest.  Nothing makes me really happy and nothing really excites me. Mostly things seem dull.

At the office things keep changing but there’s no structure. Projects are started but not finished. Instead there are new projects coming up. People come and go and suddenly they’re gone for good.

I try to focus on the things I need to do to get out of the situation I’m in. Same situation for years. No job.  I work my project also. Write. Try to write. Read a lot. Try to stay in touch with the real world out there where people have real jobs and income. Follow the news media to see where society is going and what’s happening in politics.

The rest of my time, I mostly want to sleep because I’m always tired and I want to escape this place I’m stuck in.

I miss people to talk to. I miss friends. I miss feeling happy. I miss life. I miss having a life. I miss having things to look forward to. I miss having a future. All I have is a past I can’t return to. The more I try not to think of the past good life, the more I do think of it. The more I miss it.

Yes, I’m done feeling sorry for myself. I know it’s not attractive. Just the way it is now.

Sunday serenade

Right. Wrong.

Anyway. No way.

Ok, it seems yesterday I wrote a kind of confused and depressed update for this blog. Not as confused and depressed as the earlier stuff this week but close enough. I know I promised some changes a while ago. That I would only be doing happy and superficial updates from now on. Well, I’m not quite there yet so you shallow people who yearn for this will have to wait a while longer. I’m sorry but it’s the laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaw of the land.

I woke up around 4am this morning. Wasn’t really all awake but it was too hot to sleep at that point, so what did I do? I checked some twitter timelines and sent a tweet. Then I kind of started to drift off to sleep again and next time I woke up at around 6am, I remembered having dreamed of chasing someones naked butt down along a sandy beach and finally falling on my face in the sand from exhaustion before waking up feeling like I had sand in my eyes.

Just because my dreams are weird doesn’t mean they didn’t happen. OK? Most of the time I don’t even remember them anyway.

Reading the Sunday edition of the morning paper after getting up made me choke on my ice tea (not that I was having any,  I just had to mention it for the effect).

An article pointed out that this nation’s fastest growing people’s movement is  – sex. The article claimed that sex talk is now such a common practice that it is not even controversial anymore. All kinds of everyday people want to educate themselves, discuss and try out sexual practices and buy sex toys.

I suddenly felt like a prude, because I have not once noticed this new movement. All I have noticed is the always increasing commercial use of sex in and shape or form to sell almost any kind of product or service, but this people’s movement of exploration and learning has passed me by.

Granted, I don’t socialize enough but I still think I should have heard or seen something. Anyway, after reading the article I had that old feeling of missing out. I often have this feeling. About a lot of things.

Then I thought I’d just go masturbate and be done with it.

I still haven’t though.  I’m at my computer. Writing. Just before I started typing this, I was in a chatroom but not typing, just looking and listening. Saw someone I don’t see a lot these days but used to see a few years ago. Only for a short time and just because I happened to be on the site this morning.

Before doing the above, I checked the latest headlines of the online newspaper site I most often visit. Just to check up on what’s going on in the country and in the world.

Then I also looked at my Twitter timeline again and wrote one tweet –  a morning greeting to my followers.

What I’ll be doing for the rest of my Sunday, I do not know yet. Probably, I will watch some broadcasts from the Olympic Games on TV and perhaps I’ll also watch a movie.

Most likely I will listen to music, maybe read or do some more writing. I think it will be a relaxing day though.

Right now, I’ll be busy doing some non-controversial wanking though.

Over and out.

Sunday dreaming

In my dream last night I held you close, hugged you tight, buried my face in your hair, felt the shape and warmth of your body close to mine and listened to your breathing as you were sleeping. It felt real and I was happy.

Now I wake from my dream, I wake from my dream to this world

Where all is shadow and darkness and above me a dark sky unfurls*

I find myself once more alone in my bed, tangled up in my blanket, only wishing to fall back into my dream of you.  To return to that happy place. Finding it impossible, I rise to face a new day.

Ain’t nothin’ in this world I can do about it
All I’m thinkin’ about is you*

(*Lyrics from the songs Back In Your Arms and All I’m Thinkin’ About. Both are written by Bruce Springsteen)

Sunday morning

Nothing special. Just another day.

Sometimes I start to think why I still bother with some things. Like the writing I have been struggling with for months now and still haven’t reached the end of. Why do I bother? Well I have this hope that it might be way to something better if I can only get it done. So I keep on working on it to reach my goal and find out if it indeed will be the first step to a better tomorrow.

There are other things I do even though my inner voice sometimes tell me it is useless to go on, that it is already too late and that I would be better off if I simply let it be. However, I can’t stop, not yet. I’m not ready to give it up. Not ready to face the pain of another failure. So I hold on to hope. That one more day will be what it takes to turn the ship around and maybe reach the destination. Even though the facts are against me. What else is there? Not much.

Woke up early this morning. Have slept rather long for a change. Feel kind of alone in the world and have time to think things over one more time. Not that it helps much.

When I look at the future I see more of the same problems I already have. I see no end to things I want to change for the better but seem unable to even start.

I’ve had a dream for a while. Once I even believed it could be something more than a dream but lately it has faded and now I have abandoned it. Not without resistance but still I had to let it go. It wasn’t for me. It has never been for me to have a dream come true. I guess I’m not the kind who has that kind of luck or ability or whatever it takes to get there.

I can accept that. I have to accept it since the reality of matters are what they are. But I can’t deny that it hurts to do so. On the other hand – pain is nothing new to me. I’ve had enough of it in my life and still I’m getting more of it. Did I bring it on myself? I must have. Some of it I probably did.

But I guess some are made to suffer and others are made to be happy. It’s the way of the world, the law of the land, nothing to do about it.

Anyway, I will continue to do what I can to be good to others and maybe one day I’ll be happy too.

I know I should just laugh it all off and keep a my sense of humor. Have a positive attitude and all that but show me somebody who can keep smiling through every kind of challenge or in the face of the most severe adversity and I will tell you they are faking it. I don’t want to fake anything or hide myself so I will tell the world that I can’t smile and be happy about things that hurt . Sure, I’ve heard I can choose how to feel about everything but even though I try not to feel sad about certain things I still do. I guess it’s because I care about it enough to feel anything at all.

This Sunday will probably be like the others. Then a new week at the office awaits. I am glad to be there working away at things I can have some control over myself and perhaps that will help me forget some things for a while.

When I started there I had a lot of hope that I would be getting out of my unemployment fast. It seemed the projects I would involve myself in had the potential to lead me to a job, and even to a job I would really like. Not without hard work but anyway that’s what I hoped. Now I’m twenty weeks in and it seems things aren’t moving as I thought they would but it’s all up to me to change that. Just find it hard to find the energy to go on sometimes. When there’s not enough light at the other end of the tunnel I get this feeling it’s better to give up and not do anything. Usually I snap out of that pretty fast but not lately. That feeling of uselessness clings to me even when I try to shake it off.  I’ve been applying for a lot of jobs and they say the market for employment is growing again but so far I’ve had no luck at all. I keep trying because it’s all I can do but I often ask myself what’s the use?

My old internet friend has not replied to my last email and it seems she won’t. I guess that it means we’re going our separate ways at last. Will still be friends but I guess not active friends anymore. Another loss that hurts a bit even though I’ve seen it coming or sensed it would happen due to her situation and mine as well.  Still to not have the close friendship that once was is hard to accept.

There are other things happening recently I don’t understand too but I’ve finished talking about them because nothing will change if I go on whining anyway.

When I read this post back I see it is kind of depressive and sad all over but since that’s how my life looks at the moment I can’t really write it any other way and still be true to myself.

Even though things aren’t good right now I haven’t given up all hope yet. I still have my will to be a good friend and to do what I can to make things better for others and for me.

After all, tomorrow is another day, and all I can do is go on living no matter how it feels.

But I understand why the clown is crying behind the smiling mask.

Peace.

Time to stop dreaming

Been doing too much of that. Time to get back to reality and face the facts. I’ve been ignoring the facts for too long. Made myself into a joke. At least it felt good to dream. For some time. Now I don’t think it will be good in the long run so even if it feels bad in the moment it will be for better later to let the dreams go and focus on what is real. Don’t have to be all bad to do that even if it might seem like it at first. So that’s what I’ll do.

Back to the old drawing board.

On a lighter note.

I went to the cinema last night. First time in years. Watched Transformers 3: The Dark of the Moon, in 3 D and it was rather awesome. Only  thing I regret is that I had very tired eyes which made the viewing a bit painful but the movie was a great visual feast and had some fun moments as well as some thrilling ones. A perfect summer action movie.  Maybe the story in the two previous parts was better but the action is just as spectacular as ever in a Michael Bay movie.

Morning dreams

What to do on a Sunday morning when you wake up by the sun shining in through your bedroom window making the room warm and bright? Wishing you had someone to cuddle up with and share the moment with, make some plans for the rest of the lazy relaxing day you are going to spend outdoors but having none except your pillow ? Would be easy to feel somewhat downhearted and wanting to pull the covers over your head instead of facing the day and getting up to get started.

Many mornings have I known to be exactly this way, and many mornings have I spent wondering when and how it will ever change. This morning is no different. Thoughts wander away to focus upon You. Thinking of You on a morning like this gives me both pleasure and pain. The pleasure comes from the love I feel for You in my heart. The pain comes from knowing You are a so far away and from the notion that all I might ever do is think about You for the rest of my days.