“My Problem Is You”

I don’t think this needs any comment. Just listen.

(Source: Spotify)

“That’s All I Want From You”

This one is not only a good song, the lyrics also makes me think of a friend.

Wednesday, 1 August, 2012

Today I have posted a lot of new texts on here. Why? I had a lot I needed to write in order to get it off my mind somewhat. I’ve felt depressed and tired and have had  a lot of thoughts running around in my brain.  Mostly, I think this was due to not sleeping more than 5 hours last night. Made me a bit cranky for the rest of the day. Then the visit to see a friend in a chatroom was good but I wasn’t happy with my effort to be a fun and supportive friend. I felt that I failed and it got me thinking too. Having a stomach pain didn’t really help to solve all of this in a good way so most of today I have been under the weather and my way of working my way out of that kind of stress is to write, think and write and let the feelings play out until I reach a point where I can move on.

I don’t always publish what I write on days like this, but today I decided to let it be public. Somehow, I think I have had a rather good feeling for so long now that a kind of backlash was almost inevitable. Sooner or later I always do it myself one way or another. Knock myself down, that is. Today was one of those days. Not that I knew it when I woke up at around 4 am but as the day progressed it became obvious.

Anyway, I’m starting to feel better and I’m returning to my regular old self. Today is another lesson learned in my ongoing quest to understand myself better, so I guess it has served some kind of purpose to feel miserable for the better part of the day.

Usually I’m able to keep my life free from dramatic gestures but now and then, I succumb to them. I guess I’m only human, despite my efforts to better myself.

So, I guess this covers everything.

What else to report from today? Not a lot.

Did some writing for my project at the office, watched some of the broadcasts from the Olympic games and rode three buses in order to get home. A normal day.  Weather was ok, not too warm, cloudy sky but no rain.

Had some leftover pasta for dinner. Was ok.  Later had a blueberry fruit drink with a friendly bacteria culture. Maybe it will help me get rid of the stomach pain. I already feel better so I hope it will do some good.

What I didn’t do today that I should have done: listen to music. Somehow I didn’t feel like listening to anything but perhaps I will this evening.

The change to my blog will have to wait another day or two but it will be done.

I did publish a story today that had nothing to do with anything. It just happened to appear in my brain so I wrote it that way. There may be a sequel coming, or some other story. Not sure what my imagination will present to me next. Always a surprise.

Now I believe I’m done for today.

“I’ve Been Waiting Such A Long Time”

(Source: Spotify)

This song makes me think about You.

Time for an update

Morning, Wednesday. Nice to see you again. Been a week since last time. How have you been? So and so? Ok. I’ve been mostly rather good. A bit busy, a bit in pain and I’ve had some fun.

At the office I had rather a busy week. Lots of writing to do. Lots of jobs to apply for. Lots of work to do on the blogging project I’m still trying to get going.

Also, I’ve been following the trial against the terrorist in Norway who detonated a bomb killing 8 people in Oslo‘s city center and later shot and killed 69 people (mostly teenagers) at a summer camp on a small island near Oslo on July 22 last year.

A terrible and cruel act of terrorism.

Let’s see, what else have I been up to? Sleeping. Done some of that. Can’t remember how much though. Eating. Yep, done some of that too. Probably not as healthy as I ought to and probably too much at times but hey, I only live once and when I’m dead I’m done so let the good times roll…and rolling is what I’ll be doing if I don’t watch what I eat.

Drinking? Yeah, but nothing containing alcohol. I don’t often drink anything other than water. If I drink anything else its usually juice or Dr Pepper.

What else? I’ve watched Game of Thrones. Just keeps getting better. I wish someone would kill Joffrey, that little sadist annoys me greatly  but  I have a feeling he won’t be punished anytime soon.

Watched some movies. Too many to mention all of them but the best ones have been Toy Story and Monsters, Inc – both produced by Pixar. I have only a few more to watch before having seen all of them.

I have also been listening to music. Usually on Spotify. There’s really no need for any other source. At least not for me. I keep finding stuff I didn’t know of as well as stuff i like that I haven’t listened to for some years. Now that Spotify links are possible to embed into Tumblr and WordPress it has become even better as a source for sharing and discussing music.

Ok, what else. Yes, I have been to some chat rooms to see some people and enjoyed a few fun nights. Been really nice.

The rest of the time I have had some chores to take care of.

I think that’s all there is.

No sex? Nope, no sex. Unless  a few moments of daydreaming in connection with thoughts of a certain someone counts? Maybe. Perhaps. Does it matter? Not really.

Peace.

The week in review

Hello, it’s me again.

This week has been a very strange one. No, not really.

Started out with a Monday full of pain and agony and boredom, followed by more of the same on Tuesday. Then by Wednesday the pain seemed to fade away and by Thursday and Friday it’s all gone. A miracle. Some of the boredom remains though.

I am still happy to have one less thing to worry about. Being able to do things without being in pain is a good thing. If only the rest of my troubles could be fixed I’d be in great shape.

But, in order to fix those I’d have to do a lot of work on myself. As if I haven’t already. If there’s anything I do, it’s question myself. Could I do better, should I have done this instead of that, said that instead of this, said less, said more, done it a different way? It never stops, the questions I keep asking myself. On top of that the eternal worry: what good am I? Am I good enough? How will I know and how can I be sure? How can I trust it to be true? Questions, questions and more questions. Sometimes I wish I could stop and just be. A few times I do manage to do that and it feels really good. But sooner or later the questions are back, in force.

I could have gone to a birthday party yesterday but I was not in the mood so I didn’t go. Maybe I should have anyway. Then again, I was glad I didn’t go because there was heavy raining in the evening and by staying home I didn’t have to go out in the bad weather. Being at home alone wasn’t that great though.

I had planned to get some chores done, and then watch a movie and have some fun before watching the Swedish Song Contest final on TV. Didn’t do any of that except watch TV.  Oh, and I watched some nude pics of women and masturbated but I wouldn’t say it was much fun or exciting, more like a way to pass some time. Sometimes it works that way. Some of  you might know what I’m talking about. If you don’t, don’t worry – in time you’ll know too.

The best part of Saturday was the food. I had some very nice and tasty vegetable soup which actually made me feel really good for a while. Food works that way sometimes. I’m sure most of you know that by now. And if there are any of you who don’t – don’t worry you’ll find out.

So anyway, half the week was trying to function while in pain and the second half was suddenly trying to grasp that the pain is gone and start living a full life again. Interesting times, no doubt.

Now, if it only was possible to go back in time and change some things, I’d be really happy. Instead I’ll have to make do with the way things really are and the way they will be tomorrow.

Don’t give up. Not saying I am, but I do know when it’s time to let it be. Stand back. Take a break, breathe and see what happens next.  Maybe get rid of that annoying anxiety that keep getting in the way. Just maybe. Can I do that? Got no other options, so I have to.

Been watching a lot of movies this week, and also some other things. Feels good to be back to watching movies but I wouldn’t be honest if I didn’t say I’d rather be doing other things for some of the time at least.

Spring is here though, the light is back, the sun is warmer and nature is waking up from the winter sleep. I have trouble sleeping, I keep waking up. Sometimes from nightmares and sometimes from not being able to stop thinking a lot. Mostly I think of You and the good dreams are all about You too. The nightmares are about other things and bad enough to wake me up scared and almost screaming in terror.

Time passes quickly.

I’ve been at the office for a year now. Made some progress, managed to finish my studies and got started on a new project. But finding a job seems to be almost impossible. I keep trying, I keep thinking of ways to move forward but while I had the pain from my kidney I could hardly find any energy to focus on the work to be done. It was all consumed by standing the pain. Anyway life goes on and as long as I’m still alive I have to keep trying to make a life for myself.  Many years have passed since I was really happy and felt at ease but I keep thinking that life will take a turn for the better if I keep working on it. Otherwise, I’m fucked.

I do apologize for this long messy piece of text. Suddenly I seem to want to fit every thought into one single update.

Time to end this one now.

Peace.

Not again

Another one bites the dust. Another one rides the bus.

Not again.

No, not again. I promise I won’t write another update about how I’m feeling right now. There’s been too many of those. Too much emotional drama. Too much loneliness, too many thoughts of You and too much missing you. Still those feelings will remain but I can see that the average reader of this blog will not tolerate too much of the same thing over and over.

Also, I need to find my smile and be a little more relaxed.  So I’m going to write a post that will make the world laugh. It’s coming up right above this one.  For now, all I can say is this. It’s Wednesday morning and I’m feeling slightly ill.

Have a a good day everyone and be well!

 

I’m sorry…

Marching on to March

Hello, it’s early morning March 1.

I hope you are not asleep because this is my first post this month. Of course this post just might put you to sleep but that’s another matter.

I woke up at 4am for no reason and happened to see I had missed seeing a friend who was online. For a minute or two I thought about going back to sleep or if I should check if my friend would still be on. Finally I got up and walked over to my computer to check. Luckily I wasn’t totally too late. Even more luckily I don’t have to go to the office today and tomorrow it’s closed so I have a long weekend even if I still have things to do so I’m not actually off for two days, only for one but it’s still good.

This week has not been too good until today. I’ve had a lot of pain and problems and been feeling rather depressed for many reasons. Sometimes the reality of my situation gets the better of me. And everything else that has gone wrong or seems to go wrong does not make me any less sad.

I’m feeling used up and lost. Broken. Nothing really matters anymore.  I mostly have nightmares and sometimes even my daydreams turn out bad. I worry  and I can’t find any peace or happiness. Well, nobody likes to hear about this so I won’t dwell on it too long.

Maybe it will change, maybe I can make it change. Time will tell.

Right now I’m at least glad I’ve had some fun seeing a friend.

 

Look forward

I’m back!

Done some more thinking and decided it’s better to look at the future and live in the present than keep looking back and wish things would have been different.

At the place I am now, I’m actually rather happy with most things. My life is not the best but some parts of it are good. So I will keep my focus on the here and now and continue the struggle to move forward.

It’s a very cold day, or at least the morning was. At the office I have so far managed to get some things done and somehow feel a new surge of energy where recently there was none to be found.

I know who to thank for this. There’s one person who makes me find the will to go on even when I don’t know why I should. It’s not easy to explain how it happens but it does. That’s good enough for me.

Looking forward to the weekend and hope this freezing cold weather will go away eventually.

Peace.