January 2024

Last year was not a good year, it was mostly average at best.

This blog is no longer a project I spend any time on but I keep it up online because I like to go back and read some of the posts from way back when I used to write a lot more.

Last day of 2022

Another year gone by.

Not a whole lot to report. I’m still alive. Still looking for employment.

Worried about the future for many reasons.

I learned new things about my health as I struggled through the year. Started the year with no meds, ending it with two.

That’s all.

Happy New Year!

16 years ago

I started this blog back in June of 2005. Never imagined it would still be up and somewhat active 16 years later.

Most of these years I have been unemployed, that is the one thing I still hope will change some day. Not sure how or when, because all my struggle to change it so far has resulted in nothing.

Anyway, the weather is lovely and I feel Ok so I will not ramble on much more.

Peace

August 2019

What’s up, readers?

I know I have been away from this for a long time. Honestly, I thought about never returning. Even if I wrote in my previous post that I would be writing more for this blog project, I managed to not follow through on that promise.

Not sure why, except there is so little going on in my life, I have no idea what to write. And writing fiction does not appeal to me much. Not the way it used to decades ago.

Sometimes I do think of some story to tell, and even start to make some notes in my mind about it, but that is as far as I go with it. Since I started drawing and painting I feel like I want to express myself that way instead. Which is strange, considering writing has always been my primary way of expression and what I enjoy the most. At least I used to feel that way. Not sure what has changed. Perhaps I have just grown tired of writing about myself and my failures and my dull life. It would be better to focus on change and getting things done. As if I haven’t spent decades trying to change my life for the better. And exhausted myself trying to find happiness where it wasn’t to be found.

I’m disappointed with myself in many ways. Tired of trying to change. All I do is miss the life I can’t return to. Not much to write about on a daily basis. So, I don’t expect to be updating this blog much.

I miss some people I used to know. Finding new friends is hard and has never been easy for me. So I continue to be on the outside looking in. Just as I always have.

Mainly I spend my time watching movies, Netflix, Youtube videos and I play a few games: Red Dead Online and GTA 5 Online. Also listen to music from time to time, but less than I used to.

I’m active on Twitter and Facebook and some other apps. I go for walks sometimes.

Not much of a life but it is what it is.

Before I start repeating myself I end this here.

 

Goodbye 2018

Can’t wait for this year to end. Feels like it was only a giant struggle. And a lot of ups and downs. I have mostly been feeling weak and worried. Depressed. Never had this many days off for being ill in a year ever, except for the times I had problems with my legs.

Some small changes I’ve made are all that feels good. I stopped my waste of time and money at that site. My life is more lonely since then but with less drama. And less anxiety. All for the better in the long run.  I hope.

I like that I paint as part of my job training. It helps me relax and takes my mind off of some things. At least part of the time.

Life has become dull, though. I do the same things most days and time moves along but I don’t feel like I’m going anywhere.

Maybe this is it. As good as it gets.

April 2018

Hey readers, Its been a long time.

Been doing a lot of thinking. Not much news.

I have stopped bothering with people who only play me around. Say things they don’t really mean. That aren’t serious even if it sounds like it. People who tell me to never leave and then have no problem leaving me. From one day to the next. No more of that. Not for me.

I’ve been used and abused enough. Played the fool for the last time. Rather be alone forever  than trusting anyone again, or like.

Also, never again will I look for the things I miss in the place they can’t be found. Just because I found it once, but that was one lucky exception. I wish that one had not ended. I miss that person so much. However, I miss other people too, despite what I feel about some of what they said and did.

I can only change me. So if I want things to change I must change my ways.  And I have.

The money is lost but that’s not the end of the world. It would be wrong to say I didn’t enjoy any of it. What I regret is what I expected it would bring. Wrong to believe in words on a screen. It was a fantasy, an illusion, a dream I let myself dream because real life was too much pain and still is. I wanted to escape it. Only made a fool of myself and ended up in more pain.  Now I work on getting ahead, on making my present better. Try to stop looking back and stop beating myself up about things I can not change.

See you further on up the road.

Stupidity

I’ve heard that a definition of stupidity is to do the same thing over and over and expect a different outcome. If that is true, then I’m stupid. On  the other hand: the time I got to spend not feeling lonely and sad made it worth the cost. My only regret being I could have made the cost a little less by not losing my head in the process. That’s where the stupidity kicked in.

Coming back to my senses has been a pain. Trying to move on is hard. Life will never be the same again but life never is the same anyway. Always keeps changing.

Still, I wish I could turn back time and relive some incredible moments of joy. It wasn’t long ago they happened but now it feels like they never did at all. I cling to the memory of them trying to recall how it was but it keeps fading away like a dream after I wake up.

Looking forward I don’t see much more than boredom and perhaps some kind of job.

I’m not sure I’ll make it but all I can do is keep going. Trying to think positive.

Don’t dream, it’s over

All good things have to come to an end.

Never thought it would happen so suddenly, and without a chance for a proper goodbye. But I guess that’s how it is. All I can do now is miss you and the way we used to be.

Remember forever all the fun, laughs and good times shared. Also the serious words spoken privately, and all the things I got to know about you that I will always carry with me but never share with the world.

Your creative genius, your artistic talent and your surprises. Things that are a  part of what makes you a  one of a kind person. So happy to have been there to witness all of that.

Wish you all the best for the rest of your days and hope you always keep your positive outlook and  happiness.

Good luck, goodbye.

Still alive

Yes, I know. You all thought I had passed on to the great beyond. Not yet, readers, not yet.

But, I sometimes wonder if I’m living or only just alive.

*+So the start of the year hasn’t really been that great. Sure, some good moments, laughs and happy times but also a lot of worry, struggle and depressive feelings of doom and gloom.

I’m currently just spending my days waiting for messages to arrive that will inform me of whats next concerning jobs and other matters. And I’m also totally broke. Hardly got money for food. I did this to myself because I wanted to spend time with someone. I wasn’t thinking of anything else. Now, I wonder how I could go so crazy but on the other hand I regret not the hours of great fun I’ve had. Still have but not in the same way.

Though, I wouldn’t do it again in the same way. Twice is once too many times, and three times would be downright insane. I must be more responsible. So, I have a plan for this year. A simple plan through which I aim to regain control over my life and actions.

It may be disappointing and dull for some but for me its the only option left.

2018

Hey readers,

the new year started.

I was going to write about the old year but I don’t really like to look back too much anymore.

However, there are some things about the old year that I should mention.

1. My old home, the house that was built by my parents and owned by my mother until her death, was sold by me and my brothers.  So, I had to move. First I had to find out where to. After a time I did decide on a small town to the north and in February I moved. It caused a lot of stress. Anxiety. Nightmares. I honestly spent many nights crying myself to sleep because I missed my old home. I missed all that was gone.
2.  A positive thing about moving to a small town: things aren’t so far away. I can walk to every place I need to go to. Only rarely do I need to take the bus.  And also hardly any stress. Quiet and peaceful most of the time. It has really lowered the level of stress in my life.
3.  There was good hope of a better life during the old year. The local employment agency started me in a program to get into job training. And it all looked good for a long time but in the end nothing became of the nice plans. Starting over with other plans this year.
4.  I made some foolish things during the old year because I thought it was the right thing to do and because I hoped it would lead to something better for me in the long run. Now I don’t know and I think I should have been a lot more sensible. All I can do is to learn from it to not repeat it again. On the other hand, while it lasted I had fun and escaped some worry, stress and anxiety. And the lonely feeling of being all alone in the world.
5.  I got to know someone online. Someone I quickly grew to care about a lot more than I first thought. From early September to the end of the year I had such great good feelings and so much fun. And I wasn’t all alone. Still a feeling of doubt was beginning to emerge. Now I’m starting to wonder how I really feel.
6.  Spent time with my uncle, my father’s only brother and my living link to the past on my father’s side of the family.
7.  Continued to play a lot of games. Mostly Grand Theft Auto Online on the Xbox.
8.  Turned 50 years old. Started to feel depressed about how little I’ve done with my life.
9.  Learned about ways to handle my disorder during some classes I took part in.
10.  Continue to hope to find someone to love who will love me too.

That’s all.