I started this blog back in June of 2005. Never imagined it would still be up and somewhat active 16 years later.
Most of these years I have been unemployed, that is the one thing I still hope will change some day. Not sure how or when, because all my struggle to change it so far has resulted in nothing.
Anyway, the weather is lovely and I feel Ok so I will not ramble on much more.
Peace
Ok, October.
I’m looking forward to things happening this month. Maybe it will be something good at the end of it. Not sure yet. Have to wait and see.
At least the waiting is over. For now.
Not much else to report. The weather gets colder. Days are shorter. Or the amount of daylight hours. Days are the same.
I feel a bit better in some ways and worse in others. There is one thing about my health I really have to take care of but not sure how to start or how to get it done. Must figure that out soon.
How much longer I will keep updating this blog I’m not sure of. Seems I never get around to writing much. I used to love to write for so many years but lately I just can’t get myself to do it. Probably because my life is rather empty. So nothing to write about.
I used to write fiction a long time ago but I can’t say I entertain that thought much. Sometimes I have an idea for a character or a story but I don’t write it down and I forget what it was the next day.
Maybe I’ll keep this going a little while longer. At least to the end of the year.
Peace.
Hello,
Me again. Been living in my new home for a month, tomorrow. Things are starting to settle. I’m starting to feel at home in my new town. However, I’m never going to feel as much at home here as I used to feel where I used to live. Can’t erase all those years and I doubt I’ll live here for as long. I’d have to get to be over 100 years old to do that. Not likely.
However, (there’s that word again), I might still be able to enjoy the rest of my life.
To get some kind of ok job would be nice. I still have another 15-17 years until retirement kick in. If I live to see it happen. Before that happens I would like to have worked some more. This unemployed thing is getting way old now. Not to mention I never know what the politicians will think of next to make life more miserable for the unemployed.
In the old days, politics used to be about changing society for the better. Lately it seems to be about the opposite. At least if you happen to be at the wrong end of the pyramid. Life at the top seems to be as good as always. Life at the bottom just become more unbearable for each passing year. Yet, I know that even the poor are getting less poor. At least on a global scale.
Enough of that now, I just checked in to let you readers know I’m still around and intend to keep this blog alive.
Over & out.
Howdy!
I’m still alive. Just not been able to update this blog for the last few months. Been busy elsewhere. Also not been in the mood for doing much writing.
Things I did has been bothering me. Recent events have been bothering me. My lack of discipline has been bothering me. Life bothers me.
I struggle to make changes to my way of living in order to feel better about myself. The things I have been looking for is not going to be found where I look for them. Probably I already knew, yet I tricked myself into thinking I didn’t one last time. Now the time has come to get up and go and leave it all behind as one last lesson learned.
So far it works pretty well. The more time passes it will be all good.
The first snow of the season came around this week. Brightened up the darkness a bit but I could still do without the cold weather. Too early for snow. Winter can wait until Spring. Still I prefer snow over rain. As long as it’s not snowing.When it is on the ground, I’m fine. As long as it isn’t too much to shovel away.
I spend most of my spare time playing video games lately. Or rather, a video game. GTA V.
First started around mid-August and now I’m at over 300 hours of playing time and at rank 90. At first I didn’t like the game much. That was while learning to control it. I was ready to throw it out but I didn’t give up and eventually I got to a point where I started to enjoy it.
Now I’m chasing the rank ups until I reach 120 (which will unlock all in-game content), then I will only play for the fun of playing.
Mainly my job is looking for work these days. Still without any progress but I keep writing my applications and look for any new places to apply to. I feel like I have already sent them to a lot of places but all I can do is keep at it.
In October one year had passed since my mother had a stroke and passed away. The day came and went and it was sad to feel the loss even more a year later. It has started to dawn on me that death really is forever. Of course I knew that but it’s not until it hits you for real that you really know how it feels.
Last month also marked my 10 years as being more or less out of work. Nothing to celebrate, but a fact.
Many times I doubt I will ever be working again. At least not full-time.
Well, that’s all folks!
Yeah, I’m back.
Once again, I’m here to tell you my life is a struggle. Nothing new. Same old story. Yes.
I know you think I ought to stop talking about how my life is a struggle and start changing it instead.
And I agree. If only it wasn’t true that I have been trying to change it for decades. No luck.
Have I then lost the right to write about the struggle my life is? No.
I do as I damn well please, and then I’ll sell it to the Japanese – so I can lead a good life.
Not that it is all bad to be me at all, but sometimes it sucks too much.
This past week has been very rough but I have survived. Not without a lot of pain and suffering but nonetheless here I am. Back to torment you with pointless posts like this one right here. Go and be a waiter in there!
So this week I plan to make some progress and get some fresh air into this dungeon of mine. About bloody time. Of course it could be just another false promise of mine but you’ll never know unless you stay tuned to this here blog. In fact, you might know more if you don’t stay tuned to this here blog but don’t mention it.
Plans? I’ve got lots of plans. Plans are cheap. They sell for a lot less than they cost to produce. Should be impossible but there is no end to the waste of plans around here.
Where am I going with this? Bet you’d like to know but I’m not yelling you. I’m not yelling at all. Not telling. I whisper your name in the quiet of the midnight hour. Or not. Hard to tell when I can’t hear what it is.
Lost.
I changed the name of this blog. Mostly because I felt like it was time to own up to it being mostly about me and my misery. I don’t put my real name on it for reasons of privacy. Perhaps it don’t matter anymore but I’m not ready to use my real name anywhere on the blog yet. It has been alive for 11 years all the same.
The greatest story never known is my way of saying I’m still trying to get my 15 minutes in the limelight, my time to shine. Also a way of saying that most people never have much of an audience for their writings or stories. Yet, many people write on a daily basis.
My mother kept a journal for decades. A few notes about what happened each day, what she cooked for dinner, the weather and other things. Sometimes she also noted how she was feeling on a particular day and what she was thinking of.
She often told me to burn all the journals, letters and other writings left by her and my father, but I said I wouldn’t do that. Our family history should be preserved, was my reason. I still stand by it. Even if no one will ever read any of it even once, I think it shouldn’t be destroyed.
Maybe you think I ought to respect her wish to destroy it all, and I would if she had written it in a will and made it official. Now that didn’t happen.
Anyway, I’m digressing as usual. What will happen with this blog when I’m gone? I hope someone will make sure to not let all the posts go to waste.
Hello!
I’m back to haunt you once more. Just when you thought it safe to return to this deserted blog on the edge of town. Not far from the darkness that dwells there.
Anyway, I’ve had some interesting days to say the least.
Many laps around the rollercoaster called life lately. Many different feelings. Highs and lows.
Some matters have been resolved, some are pending and some remains to be seen where they end up.
Still, the question of where to live, where to move to, remains ro be resolved. I’m still not sure what I really want to do but I’m not alone in making the change. My brothers have a say in it also.
Getting help from the municipality seems to be a long struggle where the eventual outcome is highly uncertain.
Finding a place to rent is not easy, and buying one in the current market is very expensive. So, to make a long story short, I’m kind of stuck where I am for the time being.
I feel a lot of stress due to this situation, and I’m not sure anyone else really understand how I feel. My ASD is not making having an uncertain future any easier or less stressful.
Luckily I have some nice people to communicate with who help take my mind off of the stress and let me have fun and enjoy myself. I’m very grateful to have them around.
Perhaps I could manage without friends but I feel it makes life easier to have a few. Most of my life I haven’t had many friends. Most of the time only one or two or none at all.
I don’t find friends easily, and I have some trouble keeping them. I have trouble with social interactions and don’t like being around many people at once.
One at a time, works best for me. Not always easy to explain to everyone I happen to meet.
Summer is around the corner. Some beautiful warm days have already passed by but I hope the best is yet to come.
Then there is the matter of grief. One thinks it will fade away through the passing of time but it doesn’t work that way. I’d say it starts to sink its claws in you when you think it has disappeared. Every month around the 22nd, I have a minor breakdown. I think I will always feel that way. I know I will always miss my parents, and perhaps my mother more than my father because I spent more time with my mother and because my mother’s passing happened so fast. There was no way to say goodbye.
I find that music helps a lot to sort out all kinds of feelings.
…and it’s on me.
Bring them on. The jokes. I’m a joke. The Joker. The eternal fail. A fool. The epiphany of stupidity incarnated. I feel that way sometimes. Like the other day.
I committed that classic mistake of taking it a step too far, crossing that line, entering the dark side of the moon.
On the one hand: if you never try you will never know what could have been around that bend. On the other hand: sometimes it might be better to not know.
On the left foot: what are you on about?
Not sure but it might be obvious.
Obviously not.
I haven’t finished yet. This isn’t easy as a-b-c. It takes some thinking to…
Oh, please! You know that you haven’t got a clue what you’re on about. As usual.
Just because you are unable to grasp this topic doesn’t mean I can’t explain it.
Just because you like to cry in your milk don’t make you an expert on anything.
Are you trying to change the subject?
No, but I sense that you are. And soon you’ll probably shut me down for interrupting your little I’m-a-victim-of-my-own-stupidity-please-let-me-feel-sorry-for myself-soliloquy.
You be right.
See, this is why you will never
Boring conversation anyway.
The best thing to do, would be not to write this but I’m not able to contain myself when some people just makes me want to express myself any way I can. The only way I know is in writing.
I had a stab at drawing comics & cartoons at one point in time when I was still in school but I already knew writing is my thing. Not that I think I’m any good, but I get by. And there are lots of stories unpublished from the times when I wrote fiction and not much else. Then I gave up on the fiction.
Except for a blog post or two.
Now I only spill my thoughts and feelings out. Here. This blog which I have kept going for 11 years next month. Without friends online it would never have started. Without friends online it would not have lasted this long.
So, I have to say that meeting new people online, wherever it happens, and how, is always inspiring the urge to write. Something. Anything.
However, my somewhat complicated communication skills make me doubt myself more often than not. The process of learning what comes naturally to most, is a challenge on a daily basis. Not going to dwell on that just now, though.
The reason I write this, is because I feel happy for the first time in a long time. Happy to have fun, happy to chat, happy to make jokes and play the clown or fool or court jester or whatever. Happy to be me. Happy to be alive.
Maybe it has to do with Spring coming around, the Sun being back. The warm weather. The light.
Whatever, in this case I know it to be all because of one individual. She’s a gem. At least that’s how I see it. Most likely because I feel good seeing it that way. It brings the joy of being alive back. Not when I expected it. But probably when I needed it. Anyway, I’m simply grateful for it happening.
Now I should take a chill pill and go to sleep. Due to my past, that course of action is the only sensible one. Readers of my blog will know that I have managed to go overboard on several occasions with disasters as a result.
Not this time. This time, I play my part and keep myself under wraps. Better for me, better for everyone.
So many words, so little meaning. Sorry, at least I’m being honest. I’m complicated. Only my own fault.
One friend used to tell me to not bash myself into the ground. Not only one but two friends told me that. I should not think less of myself. So now I try but I can’t say I don’t struggle with it all the time. So easy to fall into it. To feel like I’m of no use just because I stumble on the road of life, now and then.
What’s my point? No idea, but thanks for reading.
Been a long time.
Now, I’m not going to repeat the whole story of how this thing got started but it did start because it was suggested to me to use a blog for my less than creative writings.
Over the years I used this blog for anything and everything. No direction, no vision, and no set topic or theme. It has worked out rather well without those things.
Most of all I think this is a place for my thoughts about me. A rather dull subject matter with no real importance to anyone else. Yet, readers have appeared from time to time, and also comments. All of them very polite.
Due to the disorder I only recently found out I suffer from, I suck at being social. So, I tend to not communicate in the ways that might be expected of me by “normal” people.
On the internet, I find my talent to express myself in writing helps me be a bit more social. In real life, on the other hand, I tend to keep myself to myself and I often keep a distance instead of interacting with other people.
While I grew up, everyone , including myself, thought the reason for my lack of interaction was due to shyness. But, now I know it has been due to autism spectrum disorder all along.
My life hasn’t changed just because I’ve learned of my disorder, but I am now able to more fully understand my own thoughts, feelings and actions and why they are the way they are.
I no longer have to question why I can’t be more like this or like that. And I no longer feel like a failure because I don’t interact or behave like a “normal” person would.
This has reduced the amount of stress in my life a lot.
Probably not the first post I’ve made about this subject but I couldn’t think of anything else to write today.
SwedishMoon 