The time has come, and gone, but now I’m back to the empty page to try to fill it out with some words that may or may not make sense to anyone, including me.
Yes, this past month and a half I slipped back into a mode I thought I had put behind me for good. Not so.
I guess temptation got the better of me. Again. Doing something over and over and expecting it to turn out differently is not very clever. Doing it again while knowing it won’t, is probably even worse. Stupid.
Anyway, I guess I had to do it since I went along and did it. No way to undo it, just one thing to do and that is to stop doing it anymore. I clearly can’t handle it very well so best not to do it at all.
Might take some time for it to sink in that stopping is the only way forward and I will surely miss doing it but I have to be more sensible at this point. The chance I have now to do something that will benefit me in the long run will never return, so I can’t let it slip away by making foolish choices. Already done enough damage to myself and I’m the one who suffers from it.
Still, it didn’t hurt while it happened. Only now, when I see the damage I’ve done.
On the other hand, I had fun. I guess I must find other ways to amuse myself. I thought I had not too long ago but then things happened that made me fall back into the old ways again. The destructive ways.
I’m still alive. Just not been able to update this blog for the last few months. Been busy elsewhere. Also not been in the mood for doing much writing.
Things I did has been bothering me. Recent events have been bothering me. My lack of discipline has been bothering me. Life bothers me.
I struggle to make changes to my way of living in order to feel better about myself. The things I have been looking for is not going to be found where I look for them. Probably I already knew, yet I tricked myself into thinking I didn’t one last time. Now the time has come to get up and go and leave it all behind as one last lesson learned.
So far it works pretty well. The more time passes it will be all good.
The first snow of the season came around this week. Brightened up the darkness a bit but I could still do without the cold weather. Too early for snow. Winter can wait until Spring. Still I prefer snow over rain. As long as it’s not snowing.When it is on the ground, I’m fine. As long as it isn’t too much to shovel away.
I spend most of my spare time playing video games lately. Or rather, a video game. GTA V.
First started around mid-August and now I’m at over 300 hours of playing time and at rank 90. At first I didn’t like the game much. That was while learning to control it. I was ready to throw it out but I didn’t give up and eventually I got to a point where I started to enjoy it.
Now I’m chasing the rank ups until I reach 120 (which will unlock all in-game content), then I will only play for the fun of playing.
Mainly my job is looking for work these days. Still without any progress but I keep writing my applications and look for any new places to apply to. I feel like I have already sent them to a lot of places but all I can do is keep at it.
In October one year had passed since my mother had a stroke and passed away. The day came and went and it was sad to feel the loss even more a year later. It has started to dawn on me that death really is forever. Of course I knew that but it’s not until it hits you for real that you really know how it feels.
Last month also marked my 10 years as being more or less out of work. Nothing to celebrate, but a fact.
Many times I doubt I will ever be working again. At least not full-time.
Well, that’s all folks!
Today is February 29, a day that does not come along too often. So, in order to remember it, I decided to type some kind of update. Not really sure what else to write. There’s not a whole lot going on. I miss driving. I feel rather under the weather and I’m in pain too often.
At the office I don’t produce anything of lasting value lately. I see time slipping away and most days I don’t give a damn anymore. Probably I will get back on my feet eventually but right now I am not. And I don’t really care.
Life is the way it is.
At least the weather is good. Sunny and almost warm.
I’m back right where you found me… Been thinking about doing a lot of stupid stuff. Like giving up and going on my merry way. Putting this blog to rest. Making my way to other places. Cutting myself off from the people I’ve known. Jumping in front of a train. All those things, all those ideas that are all the same: escape.
Sometimes escape is all I want to do. I’ve done it before. I’ve had the urge many times over. Not always acted on it. Not always managed to escape even though I wanted to. Sometimes I’ve found I don’t really wish to escape at all. I’m just scared. Too scared to remain.
This time I’ve decided to remain. No matter what. I am too old to run anyway.
My oldest nephew became a father today. Made me think about how much life has passed me by. Again. I’m so far behind I’ll never catch up on all things that have passed me by already. Useless to even think about such matters. All I’ve got is the here and now – tomorrow I could be gone. The past is history. Yet, at a moment like this I do stop to think and feel that twinge of sadness. I allow it, then I move on. Of course I’m happy for my nephew and his girlfriend but I’m still reminded how much time has passed. I guess I’ll be getting ready to be that eternal bachelor nerdy uncle every family should have around. Or I don’t know. Perhaps I should tell myself there’s still time. I wouldn’t dare to bet much on it though.
Yes. There is a sun shining today. A new day. Another day.
I’ve been feeling drained for a long time now. Like all energy is lost somewhere. Probably it’s the usual winter depression hitting me a bit early. I’ve been outdoors and had fresh air and sunlight but it does not seem to help much. After having finished the text I’ve been working on for months I’ve kind of lost my focus and now I can’t seem to get back on the tracks to work on the new project.
Also in other parts of my daily life things aren’t too good. My teeth need fixing but I can’t afford it due to my very small income. My stomach pains comes and goes but haven’t gotten worse so I don’t think it’s anything that needs checking. I think it’s all to do with nerves and stress.
To add to the rest I also feel lonely. I used to have a really good friend to talk to about everything but now I don’t. The friends I have now I don’t want to burden with my problems because I always talk too much about problems anyway. Of course I have my brothers to talk to but some things I don’t wish to talk to them about. Same goes for my cousins and my other relatives.
Before, I used to write a lot of blog posts about how I feel and what’s going on but when I read them I notice I seem to write about the same things over and over and that really doesn’t help to solve anything in the long run. So lately I try to avoid writing about my ongoing troubles. Only problem is that these feelings and problems don’t go away just because I avoid to write about them. Instead they seem to grow stronger.
I don’t know what to do. I know that eating too much is not good in the long run but it’s the way I handle stress when I can’t find any other way. It’s an old bad habit of self medication I guess. Not that food is medication but it helps to keep the thoughts and feelings at bay for moment or two.
Masturbation used to help battle stress but that was before I started feeling really depressed. Now I rarely have the mood or energy for it. Also think that it should be kept at bay a bit anyway. Not that it is a huge part of my daily life. It used to be but that was decades ago. These days I can’t be bothered too often.
I try to get out walking or at least get more air and sun each day but there have been many cloudy and rainy days lately which has not helped.
Music has helped a bit though. I find myself listening to a lot of music each day. The songs I find seem to deal with the same kind of emotions I’m trying to make sense of.
The worst part of this depressed state of mind is to not get anything done. Have ideas and plans and chores but all I think of is I’ll do it tomorrow. Then tomorrow comes and I say to myself Nah I’ll do it next week. Then next week comes around and I feel guilty for not having done anything so I say Ok, I’ll start tomorrow.