Lost but never forgotten

Dad at 43 years old.1967

Well, Dad, 22 years has passed now without you around to help me. I never thought I would make it this far but here I am. Of course, Mom was a great help for 20 of those years, but now I’m going to have to make it on my own for the rest of my days.

You gave me a great start and I’m forever thankful for the years I got to share with you along with everything I learned from you. You are forever in my thoughts and I will always remember you and all that you did for us all – family, relatives and friends.

Today, May 15, would have been your 93rd birthday and I wanted to write this to express how much you mean to me and how much I miss you and most of all how much I love you, always.

You got to live your dream, so today I hope you take Mom with you and go for a nice flight since flying was your life.

Happy Birthday, J !

Happy Birthday to you my old friend.

Not to say you are old or anything and I won’t mention your age but I do want to wish you a wonderful birthday.

I know you don’t wish to keep in touch so this is not any attempt to get in touch again. Just happened to think of the times we shared and how much I value our friendship now that it isn’t active anymore. I will always remember it.

Anyway, to make a long story short,here’s a song from the old days:

My birthday 2015

What’s another year…..

My birthday came and went. All the usual suspects showed up and some congratulated via Facebook. Some didn’t do anything at all. Just as every year.

I made the sandwich cake myself this year instead of buying one from the store. Just to show the world I can get things done – if I really want to.

I got a nice pair of shoes from my uncle, and a fine sweater from one of my cousins.My oldest brother brought flowers.  Not that I really need any presents at this age. Still nice that they made the effort to get me some things. The best was that they showed up.

Not too soon

Just when the time is right, I return once more to this deserted place in cyberspace. Couldn’t help myself, so you just have to accept this as it is. That’s all.

Alive, still. Life is a struggle but what are the options? I have to keep living. Have to? Yes, there’s no choice unless I kill myself  but I haven’t the stomach for it. So I try. In the face of Yoda, I try. I should know there is no try but still I try. What else is there to do? I know, I know – do or do not. Had to throw that in there. Had to. For better or worse, the nerd in me got the best of me there.

I have had a few weeks at the new office by now. Not really happy with it. Not as good as the other one. The people are nice, at least nobody bothers me but I don’t feel at home there and I miss having the newsletter to work for, to write for. I miss the whole place. It was much more like a real job and the air was better. This new office is too warm, I can’t function in too warm places, my brain overheat.

The main thing is the things I work on now, to write, are not what I really want to do. But mostly I don’t like working on texts that will not reach any readers. To not have readers makes it pointless to make an effort to write anything at all.  Still, I’m writing. Here and there, now and then. Trying to keep myself from going crazy.  Nothing I can do. It is what it is.

The great TV show True Detective on HBO has finished its first season. I was glued to each episode, some of them I have watched more than once. Also the music has been fabulous. Now I only wait for Game of Thrones season 4 to start. I’m not sure it will be better than True Detective but I know I will be watching it all the same.

My mother turned 90 years old last week. The party was fun. A lot of family and friends gathered. Only the weather wasn’t so nice, so it was good the party was indoors.

 

On the road

Writing while waiting for the bus to leave. Been a long and not very exciting day so far.
Even though its my birthday I don’t think its a very special day.
However I appreciate all the nice greetings I have received from family and friends.

One more for August

Summer has been amazing.

Relax, I’m talking about the weather.  June was ok, July awesome and August has been amazing.  Not at all like last summer when it rained every other day and some day in June was colder than Christmas or perhaps New Year’s Eve.

This year, after a really long snowy and mostly cold winter followed by a short spring, summer grew to become really wonderful. Just what this nation needed. Maybe all the sun and warm weather is the reason I haven’t been writing much on here. Maybe also the fact I haven’t had much to write about, but let’s stay on the positive side of things this time.

This week my brother the chef/drummer is coming to visit me. Been a year since last time so it’ll be nice to catch up on things.

A part from that, there’s not much going on. I’m still trying to find some work and I’m still spending my days at an office where I work on project that might help me find a real job.

Next month, I’ll be a year older again.  Later in September, my oldest nephew turns 40 years old. Soon he’ll catch up with me. Anyway I’m really proud of him because he’s running his own business directing and producing music videos and other projects while also taking care of his baby daughter.  From very early on he seems to have known what he wanted to do and then he simply followed his dream.

I wish I had some more of that kind of determination. However, I’ve never been able to really decide what I really want to do. I’m too easily distracted if I find something interesting while I’m already doing something else.

News

Sorry for the silence. I’ve been busy.

Last night I spent a few hours in a chatroom and enjoyed some nice conversation. Sometimes I’m amazed how things happen to turn out better than expected without any plan, just by random.

Most of my Tuesday I spent helping my mother when she celebrated her birthday. Many family members, relatives and friends gathered. All in all it was a very nice day and evening.

Only downside was the weather. Winter has returned and it’s been snowing a lot last few days. However, whenever the sun breaks through the clouds the snow melts and it feels warmer outside. Spring is delayed but on the way.

Yesterday I had a meeting at the office about new projects. Some ideas might turn into something good. At least worth a try.

 

Back to the usual routine

Monday.

I’m back at the usual routine. No more holidays, only ordinary days.

The past weekend I spent at parties, or at least at one party.

My uncle turned 75 years old so there was a surprise party on Saturday evening. Then there was a dinner on Sunday for family and relatives. A lot fun at both. A lot of good food and drink too. Also a good time to catch up with some cousins and other relatives I don’t see very often.

On Sunday evening I was very tired when I returned home but I spent the rest of the evening relaxing while watching some old movies on Netflix: The Silence of the Lambs and The Terminator. Even though I have watched them many times before I always like to watch them again.

Today I woke up too early, went back to sleep, then woke up again just in time to get ready and then go to the bus stop.

At the office I had some nice conversations with one of my colleagues and also did some reading and writing. It was a nice start of the week, although a bit slow. There will be a lot of new things happening during the coming weeks there though so I’m looking forward to an interesting start of the year.

I’m happy there’s no more snow on the way yet. The weather is rather nice lately – only a few degrees below zero and not always cloudy. Not bad for this time of year.

Since many previous posts have been somewhat negative, I have done my best to make this a positive one in order to prove that I  am in fact able to focus on good things.

 

Late in the evening

Been eating too much. I always do when I’m not feeling too happy about life or about myself.

Today has been such a depressing day. The weather was not too bad. Cloudy. Not the reason for feeling unhappy. In my previous update I made an effort to explain the whole issue but I probably didn’t make much sense.  Anyway, I’m not about to try making sense now. I said what was on my mind at the time.

Looking back on my weekend, it was ok. Friday was good. I had a nice time seeing a friend in a chatroom. Friday night was the night before her birthday, so it was a special occasion. Even though I almost missed the whole thing due to being asleep and not hearing my alarm. Somehow I did eventually manage to wake up and get to my computer. So Friday night and early Saturday was good. I slept a long time after all of that.

The rest of my Saturday was also rather good. I had a  visit by my nephew and his baby daughter. Spent the afternoon with them and with my mother.

In the evening I watched tv and listened to music. Probably spent some time reading tweets and looking at my Tumblr dashboard too. Went to sleep late, kind of slightly worried, then slept a really long time and woke up not really wanting to get up.  Weather was gloomy. A lot of rain. Didn’t go out for the whole day. Spent my time reading, watching movies, tweeting and listening to music.

Thought about writing something for the blog but didn’t like what I wrote. Then had a shower and washed my hair before going to sleep rather late. Had trouble falling asleep as I had too many thoughts running around in my mind.

Woke up this morning feeling not so great. Which brings me back to what I wrote earlier today so now I’m going to leave that subject behind. There’s nothing I can do to change anything anyway. What has been, has been. It’s history. I’m moving on.

Surely I understand that feeling depressed about this thing is making it into too big an issue. It all boils down to me and my reaction to things that don’t happen the way I expect them to. That’s all there is. I know I am probably better off not reacting the way I do but it’s too late, I have already reacted. I feel the way I do and I will feel that way until I stop feeling that way and start feeling something else.

Some new people started at the office today, but mostly it was business as usual over there. I spent my time reading and writing some stuff I had planned and then I went back home at the usual time.

At home after a long ride on crowded buses, I had a pizza which I heated in the oven. Then I should have stopped eating but I had some potato snacks and dip during the evening. I also drank a lot of iced tea.

Now, about a quarter to midnight, I will finish this little rant and go to sleep. I hope I will sleep better tonight. For some reason I just feel like leaving my depressed feeling behind. And all thoughts too. I hope I will.

When I return with the next update, I hope it will be something happy or at least different.

 

Monday musing

Back from the darkness of my latest nightmare. Not that bad, but each post requires a new opening, or not?

The weekend came and went and I came a few times. I have this toy I use sometimes when I don’t feel like it’s too much work. Yet after using it, I was once more reminded why I mostly can’t be bothered. However it was a nice feeling while it lasted.

What else? Let’s see. I watched some movies, TV-series episodes and listened to some music. Slept a lot. Had too much candy to eat. Only because I found some cheap Jelly babies at the local supermarket and could not stop myself from buying a lot of them.

I will have to avoid that place for a while or I will not be able to control myself.

What else. Well I visited my oldest nephew on his birthday, yesterday. Mostly everyone focused on his daughter because she is still not even a year old and of course completely adorable.

The cake was really good. Other than that it was a birthday like most other birthdays. I talked to my nephew about my blog project for a bit. A nice afternoon.

I helped my mother with her medication after the eye surgery. She is very happy to be able to see clearly again.

What else. I talked to some friends on Twitter a little.

Also looked at Tumblr and reblogged some stuff.