Midsummer

Midsummer eve, a day of celebration only second to Christmas in Sweden. I’m not going to explain it. If you need to know more, search the internet.

The Boss – Bruce Springsteen – is in Gothenburg with his band for shows. Kind of a midsummer tradition in a way. And the weather is kind of great even if it rained during the night and this morning.

I’m celebrating kind of low-key this year. Not that I mind. I’m used to being by myself. Not good in large groups, takes too much energy away from me to try to handle all the information when I can’t sort it out.

The news this morning of the British having voted to leave the European Union was a shock to me. And I believe a much greater shock for the 48,1% of the British people who voted to stay in the EU.

It took away much of my wish to celebrate Midsummer but I wouldn’t have been celebrating much anyway.

Talked to my brothers on the phone and then my aunt. All seemed to be fine and having a good day. Was good to know.

I struggle with getting things done that I know I have to do but don’t have any motivation for doing. After so many years it gets harder to find any ways to freshen it up and keep me motivated. Of course I know I’ll get it done anyway but it feels so much of a burden lately. No way out of it though.

Still, my life is kind of getting better lately. Not any major change but small steps adding up. No luck in finding a job, no luck in finding a suitable place to live and no luck in finding that love that keeps eluding me. Might be because I’m not looking hard enough or in the right places or perhaps I don’t know how to look for any of it. No idea.

But I enjoy life the way I know how. Have started watching Orange Is The New Black again and still find it fun and interesting to see where all the characters will end up.

Same goes for Game of Thrones. Those are the only shows I watch now. Sometimes I watch some movies but not as much as earlier this year. I find that there aren’t a lot of really good movies around anymore. Or perhaps I’ve grown out of the genre movies. I keep returning to the “old” movies I already know because they are still good.

My internet friends also keep me smiling. Without them, I’d be lost.

Snow of December

Hey there people….

So this is December and what have I learned? Another year over and a new one waiting  in the wings ready to begin.

Lots of changes this year. Well, perhaps only a few but still changes.

Changed place of “work” twice. Not for the better but still I hang on because there is nothing else I can do.  I’m learning some Photoshop for the time being. Not the most fun I’ve ever had, I’d rather be working on my own projects or at least be writing like I did at the beginning of this year.

Been unemployed now for six whole years since my last employment. Counting all the time of unemployment I’m at a total of seven and a half years and still running. No change in sight but I still keep my hope against hope, I will get lucky one of these days.

I can hear some people say, Hey dude you’re doing something wrong! It can’t be that hard to find a paying job, not even for a loser like you! 

You might be right. Then again, I can’t tell because all I know is that I have been trying for all these years and the results are what they are, regardless of how I or you feel about it or what we might think is the reason behind it all. Looking back is useless. I’m going to go on. I can point my finger at myself and say I’m to blame but does it really help in the long run? I’m still stuck where I am and I’m the one who has to get me unstuck. Do I do that by constantly blaming myself for not getting unstuck fast enough or by actually using my energy to continue to try getting unstuck? You be the judge, I know what I think.

Enough is enough.

I still live like a loner. No change there. Nobody fell in love with me this year too. I didn’t fall in love with anyone. Not that there has been a great number of possible lovers around. I have to get out of my comfort zone for anything to change in that department. I’ve known that a long time but I still do nothing about it. Maybe I’ve given up. Or perhaps I just think it takes too much time and energy away from this job hunting thing.

Anyway I’ve had plenty of dates with Miss Righty, she’s always available for a bit of fun. Luckily she has never refused my invitation after all these years.

Pathetic. Still the truth. Laugh it up. It’s on me.

Sons of Anarchy ended the only way it could. Inspired by Shakespeare tragedy as it was. A very entertaining piece of television drama. Even if all of the seven seasons weren’t really all great the final ride was one hell of a ride from start to finish.

The fifth season of The Walking Dead has been a bit of hit and miss even of it is still better than most of season four so far. Will return with a final verdict once the whole season is finished.

Game of Thrones still keeps me wanting more even if I have trouble with the author’s habit of killing off all the interesting characters every now and then, with a few exceptions of course.

Out of all the cooking shows starring the great Gordon Ramsay, I still like MasterChef USA the most. Even though Hell’s Kitchen is a strong contender for the number one spot.

I have made an effort to start watching other shows during the year but not really been hooked by any as much the ones I mention above.

Many movies have passed by my eyes also. Thanks to Netflix and HBO Nordic.  Too many to mention any titles.

Then, last but not least,  the music. Spotify keeps me listening to all my favorites old and new. I still have my one big playlist that I keep editing as the tracks come and go. I add and subtract and still it stays like a portrait of my soul. The soundtrack of my life.

Oh yeah, it snowed today.

Regrets and thoughts about a prison show

Hi, I’m here.

Have you ever been in a situation where you have done something and immediately started to regret what you just did?

Happened to me earlier this week. I made a choice to do something I started to regret the same moment I did it. It was simply something I could have been better off avoiding. My only reason to do it was that I was kind of excited and I felt like getting off, fast and simple. Instead I almost didn’t enjoy the moment due to thinking about why I did it,  when I knew it wasn’t what I really wanted and not what I had planned. My regrets made me feel almost sick. The rest of the week I have been thinking a lot about why I suddenly slipped and gave in to an urge I’m usually able to control. Why this sudden weakness now, after years of control? Perhaps the simple reason is I was feeling so lonely that a few minutes of this thing was something that seemed like it could help me forget my lonely feeling. Or perhaps it was just stupid. I had the means and I did it. I shouldn’t have but I did it anyway. Bad decision.

The last few days I have been binge-watching Orange is the New Black on Netflix. I started to watch the first episode a while ago but never got the idea at that time. This time around I found myself hooked almost from the first minute.

Perhaps I can relate to the setting of a prison because my current place of  “work” feels a lot like a prison, except I don’t know when I’ll be set free. And of course I’m not locked up in there at  night. However some character in the series thinks prison is like highschool in some ways and I can relate to that too. All of the drama and the gangs and the ones who are “in” or “out”, the winners and the losers. All there. The feeling of not being in control of your own destiny.

Anyway, I like the show. Some of the characters are written in a really great way while others aren’t. The main character I don’t like much as a person but she’s pretty to look at. I find myself liking some of the ones who aren’t featured in the foreground. I also like that the reasons for the characters being in prison are revealed  a piece at a time. Makes me think about how many ways there are to trip yourself up during a lifetime.

April it is

Looks like I’m down to one post a month again. Sorry, readers.

Not enough happening to write about. Not enough news to report. Not enough of anything beside I feel like shit and I can’t help it texts to post. I’ve done too many of those over the years.

Anyway, April is here and spring is trying to get a hold of this cold northern country. The light is returning day by day and somehow the will to make some effort also.

I don’t like the place I’m at. There’s nothing going on there. Just a bunch of people in an office letting time slip away. If only they didn’t seem to not care about it. Some even seem to be happy to waste their time away on nothing. I can’t share that feeling. For me this is not what I want to do. I’m seriously thinking about requesting a change. Not that I really think  any other place will be that much better but perhaps I can be able to do something that matters in some way or another.

I didn’t think I’d miss the other place and the people as much as I do but it was a more positive feeling there. People cared. There were projects going on, to be a part of, and things were produced. There was a sense of community. Anyway enough about that.

On HBO Game of Thrones returns today with the fourth season. I’m already thrilled. Watching this show will help get me through the coming weeks.

Not too soon

Just when the time is right, I return once more to this deserted place in cyberspace. Couldn’t help myself, so you just have to accept this as it is. That’s all.

Alive, still. Life is a struggle but what are the options? I have to keep living. Have to? Yes, there’s no choice unless I kill myself  but I haven’t the stomach for it. So I try. In the face of Yoda, I try. I should know there is no try but still I try. What else is there to do? I know, I know – do or do not. Had to throw that in there. Had to. For better or worse, the nerd in me got the best of me there.

I have had a few weeks at the new office by now. Not really happy with it. Not as good as the other one. The people are nice, at least nobody bothers me but I don’t feel at home there and I miss having the newsletter to work for, to write for. I miss the whole place. It was much more like a real job and the air was better. This new office is too warm, I can’t function in too warm places, my brain overheat.

The main thing is the things I work on now, to write, are not what I really want to do. But mostly I don’t like working on texts that will not reach any readers. To not have readers makes it pointless to make an effort to write anything at all.  Still, I’m writing. Here and there, now and then. Trying to keep myself from going crazy.  Nothing I can do. It is what it is.

The great TV show True Detective on HBO has finished its first season. I was glued to each episode, some of them I have watched more than once. Also the music has been fabulous. Now I only wait for Game of Thrones season 4 to start. I’m not sure it will be better than True Detective but I know I will be watching it all the same.

My mother turned 90 years old last week. The party was fun. A lot of family and friends gathered. Only the weather wasn’t so nice, so it was good the party was indoors.

 

Never the less is more than enough

Confused? Let me tell you something, I didn’t do it. The other guy did it. What other guy? Ok, maybe it wasn’t the other guy but it could have been. I would like you to consider that option while I slowly and quietly exit through the backdoor and vanish into thin air.

With that all taken care of, I’ll return to the news.

Today being Saturday not much has happened in the life of Swedish Moon. In fact: nothing.

Nothing worth telling.

Woke up at a decent hour, after having a very vivid dream of being back at work while travelling somewhere out of the country. Then got up, made breakfast, listened to the radio.

Checked the internet and my Twitter for the latest news. Looked at some websites. Listened to music on Spotify. Checked Netflix for something to watch.
Went to the bathroom. Looked at porn videos. Masturbated. Scrolled through the Tumblr dashboard. Checked Facebook. Read some news online. Made a decision to go grocery shopping. Went by bus. Came back home. Opened a can of baked beans. Heated them on a plate in the microwave along with some leftover stuff. The resulting mess was my dinner. Not too bad. To drink: a glass of fresh plain water.
Returned to the net. Watched the new episode of Strike Back on HBO Nordic. Looked at MFC. Then tweeted. Checked Tumblr again. Listened to music. Went to watch some regular television for a while. Then back to the internet to write this among doing other things.
Soon I will probably fall asleep. Less than 50 minutes remain of my Saturday.

This wasn’t too boring, was it?

But

Serious.

Write something serious. Intelligent. Something that will make you look less of a moron and more of a clever person.

I can’t.

Why not? I can start but I can’t finish it. After a lot of mindless texts about nothing that means anything, it would be good to show some class. Perhaps. Maybe I’m asking too much of me. Could be.

This morning I had two sandwiches with goat cheese and ham for breakfast. Delicious. Later on, I finished watching The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey . Now, I’m thinking about masturbating, as I have been looking at some pictures on my Tumblr dashboard. That’s how refined I am on a Sunday afternoon in April. Not much to write about if you ask me, and who else would you ask. I’m the only one here.

Sure, it’s a lovely day outside. Sunny, and about +10 degrees Celsius. Really ought to be outside doing something practical. Ought to. Not really up for it, though.

Soon it will be time to cook some dinner anyway. Then there’s television to be watched, hair to be washed and a shower to be taken.

At the end of the day there’s sleep to be had and some dreams too, I hope.

Later.

 

Television online

I watch a lot of television but not on a tv screen. Instead I use my computer screen. Watch tv shows through online streaming.

Shows I watch and try to follow include Dexter, Sons of Anarchy, Game of Thrones, Vikings, The Walking Dead.  Also some reality shows like MasterChef USA.

Although these television dramas are different in terms of settings, they are also very similar in many ways. Their basic structures are very much the same, the assortment of characters are too. The themes and events are also common ones that are used in all storytelling. Not always in the same way or in the same order but they do turn up sooner or later. To notice these things won’t take away any of thrill of watching the shows. In fact, it adds to the enjoyment because I’m always curious to see how the storylines and characters will develop and how the writers try to surprise the audience now and then even as they are working with very familiar building blocks.

Some body, my body, any body

Body.

There’s a tv show starting over here in my part of world under the title Biggest Loser. From what I’ve gathered it’s a show about very heavy people losing weight and often very fast. To be honest I have never watched it but the new season of it seems to be about losing weight in order have a greater chance of finding love and enter into relationships. As if  the amount of body weight would be the only difference between success or failure when it comes to love and romance.

I  seriously doubt that body weight is the one ultimate key to success in the social arena, but if people want to believe it and use the chance of romance at the end of the line as a motivating factor to lose some weight, fine by me. I’m not here to judge anyone.

Speaking for myself though, I have never thought of any connection between my body, weight or they way I look and my problems in the social arena. I think I’m a plain, average looking guy and I have never thought of myself as ugly or handsome or that my appearance is a problem for me. I have always  seen my problems as related to my thinking and my inability to learn how to play the social game. To me the problems are all in my mind and have nothing to do with how I look or how much I weigh or how tall I am.

Over the years and more often when I was younger, I got some compliments on how I look and how I dress which only served to make me feel awkward but looking back it also made me a little more confident. I remember thinking: at least I look ok, if only I could get my head straight as well I’d have nothing to worry about.

So where am I going with this ramble? Only to this: I’m happy with the way I look and with my body but there’s always room for improvement.

Why I write this is because of all the times I have written about my social problems and I only wanted to point out that I don’t think my body is to blame  for any of them.

 

Lots of things to do

Don’t know where to start. Or, I know where to start. I have already started, but I’m not sure of where I will end up with it all. Some writing left to do on a very long update that will be published soon on this very blog. It deals with some issues I’ve had for many years and how I think I may have solved them or perhaps at least made them less of a problem through the help some good people I have had the good fortune to interact with thanks to the internet.

Anyway, all of this will be revealed soon and I do hope it will also make some sense for my readers and not only for me.

My Monday is going along at a steady slow pace. I haven’t done as much work as I thought I would. My morning was partly disrupted by some stomach ache/pain but later on I got better and now I feel good. However, tomorrow at the office I’ll have some catching up to do.

Been watching the latest episode of Dexter and I have to honestly confess I’m still not very thrilled by this season. Sure, there are some interesting things going on but I don’t feel very excited about the storyline so far. Some of the things happening are very predictable and the surprises are few. However, as the middle of the season is reached things usually start to heat up so maybe the second half will still be better. One thing I know already is that this season is far from the best season ever.