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Snow of December

Published 12/17/2014 by MoonieZ

Hey there people….

So this is December and what have I learned? Another year over and a new one waiting  in the wings ready to begin.

Lots of changes this year. Well, perhaps only a few but still changes.

Changed place of “work” twice. Not for the better but still I hang on because there is nothing else I can do.  I’m learning some Photoshop for the time being. Not the most fun I’ve ever had, I’d rather be working on my own projects or at least be writing like I did at the beginning of this year.

Been unemployed now for six whole years since my last employment. Counting all the time of unemployment I’m at a total of seven and a half years and still running. No change in sight but I still keep my hope against hope, I will get lucky one of these days.

I can hear some people say, Hey dude you’re doing something wrong! It can’t be that hard to find a paying job, not even for a loser like you! 

You might be right. Then again, I can’t tell because all I know is that I have been trying for all these years and the results are what they are, regardless of how I or you feel about it or what we might think is the reason behind it all. Looking back is useless. I’m going to go on. I can point my finger at myself and say I’m to blame but does it really help in the long run? I’m still stuck where I am and I’m the one who has to get me unstuck. Do I do that by constantly blaming myself for not getting unstuck fast enough or by actually using my energy to continue to try getting unstuck? You be the judge, I know what I think.

Enough is enough.

I still live like a loner. No change there. Nobody fell in love with me this year too. I didn’t fall in love with anyone. Not that there has been a great number of possible lovers around. I have to get out of my comfort zone for anything to change in that department. I’ve known that a long time but I still do nothing about it. Maybe I’ve given up. Or perhaps I just think it takes too much time and energy away from this job hunting thing.

Anyway I’ve had plenty of dates with Miss Righty, she’s always available for a bit of fun. Luckily she has never refused my invitation after all these years.

Pathetic. Still the truth. Laugh it up. It’s on me.

Sons of Anarchy ended the only way it could. Inspired by Shakespeare tragedy as it was. A very entertaining piece of television drama. Even if all of the seven seasons weren’t really all great the final ride was one hell of a ride from start to finish.

The fifth season of The Walking Dead has been a bit of hit and miss even of it is still better than most of season four so far. Will return with a final verdict once the whole season is finished.

Game of Thrones still keeps me wanting more even if I have trouble with the author’s habit of killing off all the interesting characters every now and then, with a few exceptions of course.

Out of all the cooking shows starring the great Gordon Ramsay, I still like MasterChef USA the most. Even though Hell’s Kitchen is a strong contender for the number one spot.

I have made an effort to start watching other shows during the year but not really been hooked by any as much the ones I mention above.

Many movies have passed by my eyes also. Thanks to Netflix and HBO Nordic.  Too many to mention any titles.

Then, last but not least,  the music. Spotify keeps me listening to all my favorites old and new. I still have my one big playlist that I keep editing as the tracks come and go. I add and subtract and still it stays like a portrait of my soul. The soundtrack of my life.

Oh yeah, it snowed today.

Changes

Published 10/04/2014 by MoonieZ

Yes. Change is all around. Summer has given way to Autumn and Winter is around the corner, ready to arrive.

A few weeks ago, I suddenly had to stop going to the place of “work” I have been at, also known as the office. The Employment Agency had decided to close the whole business there due to reasons only they know. It all happened from one day to the next.

So, I had to make a choice of a new place of “work” from a list of providers of such services.  After a few days of thinking I found one place but they had no room for any more people so that was not an option. Then I found another place and decided to go there to check it out and then sign up for it.

But the Employment Agency wanted me to meet with people at another place, to see if that would be suitable for me.  I didn’t really like it because it was too far to travel there and back every day but I went to the meeting anyway.

Early this week I finally signed the paperwork to start at the place I wanted. Then the person in charge at  the Employment Agency seemed to be in no hurry to approve of  my choice which resulted in a lot of stress and confusion.

When I called to get some information, I was told I could “most likely” start at the new place on Monday, but I still have no paperwork to confirm this and the people at that place of “work” has not confirmed it. Still, I will go there on Monday morning and see how it all turns out.

The project I was working on at the old place, is now in the wind. Nobody will miss it, as it seems nobody really cared what came out of it.

At the new place I will not be working on my own choice of project, I will only be doing work assigned to me.  I suspect I will not like it as much as the things I used to do, but I might learn some new skills about how to make digital copies of photographs, maps and other old documents.

Whatever happens next, I still have only limited control of my own situation. Most of the power to control my life are in the hands of others. I follow the orders I get.

However, the newly elected government has promised to change the way the whole Employment Agency works, including the kind of service it provides to the unemployed. I have some hope things might get better once that happens.

Not much else to hope for. My job hunting still results in nothing.

Long time

Published 02/26/2014 by MoonieZ

Yes, I’m alive.

Have been thinking about writing something for this blog for some time now. Not gotten around to it due to too much going on around me, and my usual inability to decide what the next update should be like.

Positive, negative? Short, long? Little of everything it seems.

I’m changing my place of “work” next week. For three years I have been at the same office working on my projects. Next week I start at a new office at another location. Still don’t know exactly what it will be like but I have ideas for a new writing project so I’m sure I will have something to do there. Smaller place, fewer people. I hope I will have a nice desk and a decent workspace, even if the view from the windows will not be as good as the one I have had. No more lake view, just other buildings and roads. I think the time to travel will be almost the same, all by bus.

The public employment service had me stressed out almost to the point of breakdown in order to find this new place fast. I had a lot of places to go look at and it was hard to decide so quickly but once it was done I could return to normal. Now I only wish I will like it.

Life in general haven’t been so great lately. I find myself feeling anxious, have trouble sleeping and feel very worried about the future. I also feel very lonely and useless.

Not that I want to feel this way. I often try to tell myself to cheer up and bear it and keep on going but it has become harder to do for more than a day or two at a time.

The years have gone by so fast and I’m wondering if I will ever find a job again, and not only that but something to belong to, some kind of community. I’m feeling more of an outcast every day. Shut off from society, unwanted. For a long time I managed to keep all of that at bay but now I find myself letting go, giving in, giving up in a sense. What’s the use of trying again when every previous try ended in failure? I know, the next time could be different. I keep thinking that but perhaps I no longer really believe in it much.

And it isn’t just work. Life in general. Getting older. Wondering if this is all there is and all it is ever going to be until the day I die. What’s the point of living if that is true?

Keeps me awake at night, even when I’m so exhausted I should sleep. I worry about it all. I lack people to talk to about it. I feel like I shouldn’t mention it. Who cares anyway? I know I sometimes cringe and want to back away when someone tells me about personal problems, sometimes I really can’t be bothered. Simply because I lack the energy to be able to really care and listen. And sometimes because I can’t be of any real help  – all I can lend is my support. So why would anyone care to listen to my problems? Perhaps I think less of myself  because I feel sad and worried about life but so be it. This is how I feel right now. Probably depressed. Maybe I ought to seek out some treatment. I don’t know.

Maybe I will feel better when Spring comes around and the light returns. I try to get a lot of air and sunlight every day. I try to exercise. I have made changes to what and how much I eat and I try to get more sleep. I also know I will get through this too eventually. I always have in the past, but I was younger, had more to look forward to. Now I don’t see anything when I look ahead.

Still, I’m happy for the texts I was able to write for the office newsletter and that so many liked my contributions. It would have been fun to keep working with that project but the rules of the game are set and I have to switch to another place. Maybe I’ll be able to return after a year or two.

Time will tell. It always does.

Life in review

Published 09/06/2012 by MoonieZ

 

Trying to sleep, I started thinking about my life. How I ended up where I am.

I know one thing – if I could go back and change some of my actions, I would. In fact, I wish I could.

But of course I know I can’t. All I can do is live on and learn from the past mistakes so that I will not repeat them again down the line.

I also question some of the choices I’ve made.

For so long I had the dream of becoming a writer. Yet, all I did was to write things that nobody ever saw or got to read. The dream, I carried in my head. Kept to myself while I worked with the “simple” tasks at my job in the grocery stores. For decades.

I did go to the University after having worked for more than ten years and when I did, I had many bold plans, hopes and dreams. Filled with motivation and energy I set out to study and then advance from my low-level job to a better one. At the University I did well – most classes I passed with the highest grades. I had fun, and really enjoyed my life as a student.

Instead of a degree and a better job came illness. After that unemployment and on top of that – financial collapse.  Of these three the first two were not my fault and the third is to a large degree my own doing.

Now I suffer the consequences of my actions. Still I haven’t given up. I keep looking for ways to move forward.

However, I have more days now, when I question how long I will be able to keep going without getting anywhere.  The temptation of giving up and letting it all go grows stronger.

If only there was a way to go back and make some changes.  If only.

 

 

Friday, March 23, 2012

Published 03/23/2012 by MoonieZ

I think the last update could be misunderstood. I wrote it as a statement of my ongoing confusion about what to do with my life and my “career”. That’s why I mentioned having read about someone I used to work with many years ago.  When I read what I wrote it comes across as some kind of jealous criticism but in reality I was trying to express how I wish I had such a clear idea of what I want to do as that person seems to have. Anyway, I usually don’t apologize for writing strange updates so I will not start now.

This Friday is sunny and warm and soon I’ll be on my way home for the weekend. So all is well that ends well.

Peace.

Reading

Published 03/22/2012 by MoonieZ

Happened to read about someone today that I used to work with back in the day, out in the “real” world. She now runs her own company, is a published author and gives lectures in her field of expertise.

Mixed emotions run through me, but mostly I’m glad to see she is doing well with her life and career even though I never much liked her attitude or the quality of the work she did while we were colleagues.

Only one thing I wish I could get a grip on, to once and for all decide what I really want to do and then go for it. It’s my inability to really decide what I want to do with my life that keeps holding me back.

Maybe I should read some books on the subject.

New post Monday

Published 02/06/2012 by MoonieZ

It’s Monday. Time to write something new.

I was going to do it yesterday but I was too tired to start.

This weekend and all of last week was very cold. Especially at night. Some places in Sweden had colder nights than ever recorded before. It started to feel like a sequel to the movie The Day After Tomorrow.

The car could not handle the cold very well. The battery died and had to be charged. Never happened last winter even though there were many cold nights then too. I had to figure out how to charge the battery which was a bit of a learning experience. I’m not good at fixing anything to do with cars but I try to learn as I go along. Haven’t had the need to learn until just a few years ago, so it will take some time. However after about 4 hours charge the car could be started and now it seems to work as normal except for some strange sound from the engine. I’m a bit worried about what it could be. Don’t know if it’s something that will need fixing.

Friday night it was very cold outside. I spent part of  the night online, at a chatroom and had a nice few hours of talk. It was good because most  of Saturday and Sunday was spent working on the car – outside.

I watched the first part of the Swedish Song Contest “Melodifestivalen” on TV on Saturday night. There were only a few really good songs and performers among the eight competing songs and luckily the one I liked the most made it to the next round and will have a second chance to reach the final competition.

The headlines the day after only talked about the incident when an older male performer briefly put his hand on the behind of the young good-looking female host of the show while she hugged him after interviewing him. Seems this made the whole of Sweden explode in some kind of moral outrage. I guess it says something about our society. Not sure exactly what though.

Sunday evening I managed to start the car and went for a drive. After that I watched some TV, had  a shower and went to bed.

Today I had a meeting at the office with a workgroup about social media. The idea is to study social media and how they can be used to aid in job search and employment. Might be interesting to be a part of.

I’m also working on my own project and making some slow progress. Other than that not much is happening. Life goes on. Time goes by. I get older. Days are getting longer. Sun is up earlier, sets later. I wish Spring would be here.

Peace.