Life

All posts tagged Life

May it be May

Published 05/11/2018 by MoonieZ

Hello!

Today was not the best day ever. Last night I got some trouble sleeping. I keep worrying about things that haven’t happened and about the future in general. Can’t stop worrying. Sometimes I keep it at bay, mostly during the days. Nights are worse. Also have a lot of very strange dreams and some scary nightmares. I’m tired of being me, living this life.  Tired of never getting anywhere. Tired of waiting for things.

I started painting. It has been fun. And it makes me stop thinking and worrying for a while. Still it can’t really change much.

Lately the weather has been great. But I feel like I have no energy. Doing things always feel too tiring. Hard to get started. Not much is fun. Wish I had someone to really talk to but have no idea who that would be.

How much longer am I supposed to walk through life all by myself?

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April 2018

Published 04/08/2018 by MoonieZ

Hey readers, Its been a long time.

Been doing a lot of thinking. Not much news.

I have stopped bothering with people who only play me around. Say things they don’t really mean. That aren’t serious even if it sounds like it. People who tell me to never leave and then have no problem leaving me. From one day to the next. No more of that. Not for me.

I’ve been used and abused enough. Played the fool for the last time. Rather be alone forever  than trusting anyone again, or like.

Also, never again will I look for the things I miss in the place they can’t be found. Just because I found it once, but that was one lucky exception. I wish that one had not ended. I miss that person so much. However, I miss other people too, despite what I feel about some of what they said and did.

I can only change me. So if I want things to change I must change my ways.  And I have.

The money is lost but that’s not the end of the world. It would be wrong to say I didn’t enjoy any of it. What I regret is what I expected it would bring. Wrong to believe in words on a screen. It was a fantasy, an illusion, a dream I let myself dream because real life was too much pain and still is. I wanted to escape it. Only made a fool of myself and ended up in more pain.  Now I work on getting ahead, on making my present better. Try to stop looking back and stop beating myself up about things I can not change.

See you further on up the road.

Living on my own

Published 11/27/2017 by MoonieZ

I had no idea it would be so hard to adjust to life after my parents passed.

When my father passed away , after a long battle with cancer, I was devastated for years. I was sure nothing would be as painful as that experience.

Little did I know.

Twenty years later, and two years ago, my mother passed away after suffering a massive stroke. This blow didn’t feel as bad at first but now I find it gets worse by the month.

As it dawns on me I’m now alone. To live the rest of my days without anyone to ask for advice, help, support, comfort or whatever. No one to turn to. Wake up and go about my days alone. Come home to a silent apartment. Cook my meals and eat alone.

Sleepless nights scared, miserable, overcome by anxiety and crying my heart out – alone.

Significant other, you might ask? None. Never had one and not likely to ever find one as it seems to be the hardest thing to do for me. Connecting with other people is the most difficult thing I know. Partly due to the autism spectrum disorder I have but didn’t know for sure until last year, and partly due to not having a clue to how. Not for lack of trying various ways over the years.

Same to be said about friends. As a kid and up through my teens I had only a few friends and none was really close. As an adult I’ve had one real friend outside of family and relatives. But that friendship didn’t last.

However, while it lasted it was a great feeling to have someone to share live with – the highs AND the lows. Burdens became less heavy to carry and the joys felt greater when shared with her. Of course it worked both ways, I was as much her support as she was mine. I learned a lot about life and human interaction and also grew as a person during those years. I even learned to have arguments and how to make up afterwards.  My confidence also developed and I started to feel more secure in my daily interactions with other people.

When it all ended, or rather slowly faded away, I was very sad. For several reasons. I knew it wouldn’t be easy to find a new friend to be that close to and I knew I would find it hard to be alone again. Desperate search for a new friend ended in some sad disappointments and other failures. A limited success was good for a year or two until I realized some facts that did change my attitude to it all. Since then I’ve been afraid to get my hopes up and not looked around for friends at all. Until very recently.

During the last years of my mother’s life, my life was filled with problems I had created for myself and one I was only partly responsible for. There were a lot of arguments and hard feelings at times but still also the comfort of having someone to talk to and share things with. Although not all things. To do that I would have needed a friend and/or significant other.

Still those years were better because we could help each other and keep each other company at times even if most of the time was spent at separate ends of the house.

The topic is life after the parents passing though. And as I have already stated, it’s not  getting better. At least not for me. I’m only just now learning to live all alone and I don’t like it much. I don’t mind about doing chores and such, it’s the being all alone thing I don’t find myself at ease with.  To have time but no one to share it with. To have joys and troubles and no one around. Well, I do have someone I talk to but I’m probably not patient enough about it and I feel I have lost a lot of my confidence and have to learn to build all of that up again. It takes time and I feel like my time is running away from me.

Go out! Yes, yes, I know but there aren’t many places where people gather I feel like being at. Due to my disorder I feel uncomfortable in large crowds and I tire very fast trying to cope with all the impressions coming at me as sights, sounds and smells.

Is it hopeless? No, I don’t think so. Must try to learn how to cope with life alone.

I like where I am now

Published 10/28/2017 by MoonieZ

Well I guess I owe Don Henley for todays headline. His song Where I Am Now actually inspired me to start writing this little update to my life and times.

A lot of things has happened lately and more to come soon. Both personal and work related things.

I’m not sure my brain is keeping up and emotions have been kind of all over the place.

First of all I’m feeling happy. Happier than ever, probably. Somebody has a lot to do with that happiness in my being. To hold on to that will be the great challenge for the coming days, weeks, months. And should it not be possible I’ll at least always have the memory of it all.

Never felt more alive than now. To put a price on that is impossible. All I can do is be thankful for it happening right now.

Positive energy and thinking has been guiding me forward and makes life easier to face. Not that the problems are gone, but I’m starting to see and find solutions now instead of getting stuck in thinking nothing is possible.

On the work front good things are coming soon. And after that I might be on my way to a real job again. I would be very happy if that happens. Been so long that I had lost all hope but now somehow things have started to take a turn for the better.

I’m part of a study group to learn more about how to handle problems associated with ASD and it is also a very positive experience. The people I meet there are friendly and I feel happy to learn from them and share my own ideas and ways of coping with the disorder.

So there are many good things going on now. That’s why I like where I am now.

What’s next ?

Published 10/07/2017 by MoonieZ

So here it is, readers.

I have a choice to make. To bash my skull in for being a crazy idiot and walk around feeling miserable for the rest of my life – or – acknowledge the fact that I’m feeling happy for the first time in a very long time. I mean really happy, not just trying to pretend happy like I usually do without fooling myself but perhaps one or two who don’t know me that well.

To decide to feel happy no matter what would be a step forward for me. To feel miserable and stupid wouldn’t be much of an improvement. So what I might have been reckless. I’m the only one to suffer, if there’s any suffering.

Maybe I ought to say I made an investment in my well-being. I like the sound of that.

For a long time, I’ve just pretended to be happy and positive. At night I felt the real me, the real emotions but I didn’t admit it to myself even. And not to anyone else.

I miss my home, I miss my parents so much I can hardly think of it or let myself feel it too often or I just break down and cry.

I hate being unable to make connections the way I want and long for. My stupid disorder makes me frustrated sometimes. Just because I know why my mind works the way it does, doesn’t mean I like it or think it’s not a huge problem. At times I wish some social things were easier, other times I couldn’t care less.

Frustration gets the better of me at times. At other times, I actually feel like I have managed to overcome some obstacles and made some progress. Learned to handle some situations better. Those moments I feel good about myself. Just isn’t happening enough.

The great consolation is music. Without music, I’d be unable to get through life.

Of course family, friends, movies, books also help but music is the best healer.

Now I’m starting to stray from the topic so I won’t go on for much longer, only to the end of this sentence.

Marched into March

Published 03/13/2017 by MoonieZ

Hello,

Me again. Been living in my new home for a month, tomorrow. Things are starting to settle. I’m starting to feel at home in my new town. However, I’m never going to feel as much at home here as I used to feel where I used to live. Can’t erase all those years and I doubt I’ll live here for as long. I’d have to get to be over 100 years old to do that. Not likely.

However, (there’s that word again), I might still be able to enjoy the rest of my life.

To get some kind of ok job would be nice. I still have another 15-17 years until retirement kick in. If I live to see it happen. Before that happens I would like to have worked some more. This unemployed thing is getting way old now. Not to mention I never know what the politicians will think of next to make life more miserable for the unemployed.

In the old days, politics used to be about changing society for the better. Lately it seems to be about the opposite. At least if you happen to be at the wrong end of the pyramid. Life at the top seems to be as good as always. Life at the bottom just become more unbearable for each passing year. Yet, I know that even the poor are getting less poor. At least on a global scale.

Enough of that now, I just checked in to let you readers know I’m still around and intend to keep this blog alive.

Over & out.

Looking back

Published 08/24/2016 by MoonieZ

to see the future. No.

Regrets? None. Not anything I done but things I haven’t done or didn’t do. What else is there to regret?

I did what I did and I’m happy with my choices. Most of them. Some I could have done better, but regret? No.

It comes and it goes the feeling of meaning or the lack of it. Yet the sun rises and then sets and one day gives way for the next and most beings don’t even reflect about the inevitable end we all race towards. 30 years ago I didn’t care much about the end. It seemed it was so far away it didn’t even count. Now – I don’t want to look forward. I feel like my time is running faster than I can live it. When I look back, I wonder where it all went. What did I do with all this time, all these years of days followed by days.

Next year I’ll be 50. With very little to show for it. Not for lack of trying but for lack of understanding how the world works. For many years also a lack of understanding of how I work.

And now it feels like too late to keep on trying. Go on living is all there is.

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