Yes. I made it this far. Just enough to write this short note. Nothing much going on. Still living, one day at a time.
Yes. I made it this far. Just enough to write this short note. Nothing much going on. Still living, one day at a time.
What to write about my decade?
A decade of unemployment. Depression. Thoughts about suicide. Learning I have autism. My mother passed away. I moved away from the place I called home for almost 50 years. Settled in a new home in a new town. Started over in many ways. Wasted a lot of money on a fantasy when I wanted to escape the pain and sorrow in my life . Learned I have to live through it and with it. No one can run away from it. Useless to try.
Looked for happiness in the wrong place. Anxiety. Episodes of feeling really down and out. Trying to get on with life and finding the energy to cope with everything. Sadness and longing. Wanting to return to the place I used to be in. Crying a lot. Had a few laughs also. Here and there. Wondering when I will find a job. Have a sense of meaning. Belong to something. To contribute. Make use of my talents and knowledge. Get to use all those years of education.
A decade of one step up and two steps back. Over and over.
Over and out.
I’m looking forward to things happening this month. Maybe it will be something good at the end of it. Not sure yet. Have to wait and see.
At least the waiting is over. For now.
Not much else to report. The weather gets colder. Days are shorter. Or the amount of daylight hours. Days are the same.
I feel a bit better in some ways and worse in others. There is one thing about my health I really have to take care of but not sure how to start or how to get it done. Must figure that out soon.
How much longer I will keep updating this blog I’m not sure of. Seems I never get around to writing much. I used to love to write for so many years but lately I just can’t get myself to do it. Probably because my life is rather empty. So nothing to write about.
I used to write fiction a long time ago but I can’t say I entertain that thought much. Sometimes I have an idea for a character or a story but I don’t write it down and I forget what it was the next day.
Maybe I’ll keep this going a little while longer. At least to the end of the year.
These last weeks I have been thinking about a lot of things. Mainly about moving forward.
As usual when life seems to not go anywhere, I wonder what I can do to do get on with it.
Finding any answers? No.
Change can’t happen without changing. I know, but it has never been easy to know what changes have to be made. Is it thinking that has to change?
On the other hand, I am who I am. My mind works the way it always has. Only, since a few years back, I know my mind works the way it does due to autism.
Should I try to make it work like a “normal” mind instead? Do I want it to? No.
I think I can still change and do things in other ways and still be me. Including being autistic, since I can’t get away from that as it is a part of me and I don’t want to pretend.
Sure, if I could have a choice, I would rather not be autistic, as it is a disorder, but since I can’t choose, I think it better to accept who I am and work with that rather than deny it and try to work against it.
Lately, I feel relaxed and the anxiety I have struggled with for some years now is for the moment gone. I don’t want it to return and I hope it won’t.
No news about “work” yet and all I can do is wait. Almost all I can do.
Days sail on by very quickly and Summer is soon gone. The daylight hours will not be as many and the darkness will return. With it I think my feeling of depression might also.
This year I will do my best to not feel depressed.
What’s up, readers?
I know I have been away from this for a long time. Honestly, I thought about never returning. Even if I wrote in my previous post that I would be writing more for this blog project, I managed to not follow through on that promise.
Not sure why, except there is so little going on in my life, I have no idea what to write. And writing fiction does not appeal to me much. Not the way it used to decades ago.
Sometimes I do think of some story to tell, and even start to make some notes in my mind about it, but that is as far as I go with it. Since I started drawing and painting I feel like I want to express myself that way instead. Which is strange, considering writing has always been my primary way of expression and what I enjoy the most. At least I used to feel that way. Not sure what has changed. Perhaps I have just grown tired of writing about myself and my failures and my dull life. It would be better to focus on change and getting things done. As if I haven’t spent decades trying to change my life for the better. And exhausted myself trying to find happiness where it wasn’t to be found.
I’m disappointed with myself in many ways. Tired of trying to change. All I do is miss the life I can’t return to. Not much to write about on a daily basis. So, I don’t expect to be updating this blog much.
I miss some people I used to know. Finding new friends is hard and has never been easy for me. So I continue to be on the outside looking in. Just as I always have.
Mainly I spend my time watching movies, Netflix, Youtube videos and I play a few games: Red Dead Online and GTA 5 Online. Also listen to music from time to time, but less than I used to.
I’m active on Twitter and Facebook and some other apps. I go for walks sometimes.
Not much of a life but it is what it is.
Before I start repeating myself I end this here.
Hi there, dear readers.
I’m still alive. I know it wasn’t yesterday I last posted anything here but the truth is I haven’t been feeling like writing much.
Life moves along and so does time. I feel somewhat better in some ways but in other ways I’m not feeling much good at all. That’s just the way it is.
The heat wave the last few months have really tested my endurance. Not much for too warm weather so I have had some really rough days and nights.
I wouldn’t mind a bit cooler weather now.
I paint during my hours at the “work” thing and it feels like I forget a lot of what worries me and it really reduces stress. Not sure what the future will be but all I can do is keep doing my best from day-to-day and hope things will turn out good eventually.
Still miss that person I thought I knew but I’m over the worst part of it. Got to let it be what it is. Moving on is the way to go.
What I’m really happy about is that my anxiety seems to have vanished for the time being. It was really bad at times but now its been almost two months without any sign of it.
That’s all for now.
Today was not the best day ever. Last night I got some trouble sleeping. I keep worrying about things that haven’t happened and about the future in general. Can’t stop worrying. Sometimes I keep it at bay, mostly during the days. Nights are worse. Also have a lot of very strange dreams and some scary nightmares. I’m tired of being me, living this life. Tired of never getting anywhere. Tired of waiting for things.
I started painting. It has been fun. And it makes me stop thinking and worrying for a while. Still it can’t really change much.
Lately the weather has been great. But I feel like I have no energy. Doing things always feel too tiring. Hard to get started. Not much is fun. Wish I had someone to really talk to but have no idea who that would be.
How much longer am I supposed to walk through life all by myself?
Hey readers, Its been a long time.
Been doing a lot of thinking. Not much news.
I have stopped bothering with people who only play me around. Say things they don’t really mean. That aren’t serious even if it sounds like it. People who tell me to never leave and then have no problem leaving me. From one day to the next. No more of that. Not for me.
I’ve been used and abused enough. Played the fool for the last time. Rather be alone forever than trusting anyone again, or like.
Also, never again will I look for the things I miss in the place they can’t be found. Just because I found it once, but that was one lucky exception. I wish that one had not ended. I miss that person so much. However, I miss other people too, despite what I feel about some of what they said and did.
I can only change me. So if I want things to change I must change my ways. And I have.
The money is lost but that’s not the end of the world. It would be wrong to say I didn’t enjoy any of it. What I regret is what I expected it would bring. Wrong to believe in words on a screen. It was a fantasy, an illusion, a dream I let myself dream because real life was too much pain and still is. I wanted to escape it. Only made a fool of myself and ended up in more pain. Now I work on getting ahead, on making my present better. Try to stop looking back and stop beating myself up about things I can not change.
See you further on up the road.
I had no idea it would be so hard to adjust to life after my parents passed.
When my father passed away , after a long battle with cancer, I was devastated for years. I was sure nothing would be as painful as that experience.
Little did I know.
Twenty years later, and two years ago, my mother passed away after suffering a massive stroke. This blow didn’t feel as bad at first but now I find it gets worse by the month.
As it dawns on me I’m now alone. To live the rest of my days without anyone to ask for advice, help, support, comfort or whatever. No one to turn to. Wake up and go about my days alone. Come home to a silent apartment. Cook my meals and eat alone.
Sleepless nights scared, miserable, overcome by anxiety and crying my heart out – alone.
Significant other, you might ask? None. Never had one and not likely to ever find one as it seems to be the hardest thing to do for me. Connecting with other people is the most difficult thing I know. Partly due to the autism spectrum disorder I have but didn’t know for sure until last year, and partly due to not having a clue to how. Not for lack of trying various ways over the years.
Same to be said about friends. As a kid and up through my teens I had only a few friends and none was really close. As an adult I’ve had one real friend outside of family and relatives. But that friendship didn’t last.
However, while it lasted it was a great feeling to have someone to share live with – the highs AND the lows. Burdens became less heavy to carry and the joys felt greater when shared with her. Of course it worked both ways, I was as much her support as she was mine. I learned a lot about life and human interaction and also grew as a person during those years. I even learned to have arguments and how to make up afterwards. My confidence also developed and I started to feel more secure in my daily interactions with other people.
When it all ended, or rather slowly faded away, I was very sad. For several reasons. I knew it wouldn’t be easy to find a new friend to be that close to and I knew I would find it hard to be alone again. Desperate search for a new friend ended in some sad disappointments and other failures. A limited success was good for a year or two until I realized some facts that did change my attitude to it all. Since then I’ve been afraid to get my hopes up and not looked around for friends at all. Until very recently.
During the last years of my mother’s life, my life was filled with problems I had created for myself and one I was only partly responsible for. There were a lot of arguments and hard feelings at times but still also the comfort of having someone to talk to and share things with. Although not all things. To do that I would have needed a friend and/or significant other.
Still those years were better because we could help each other and keep each other company at times even if most of the time was spent at separate ends of the house.
The topic is life after the parents passing though. And as I have already stated, it’s not getting better. At least not for me. I’m only just now learning to live all alone and I don’t like it much. I don’t mind about doing chores and such, it’s the being all alone thing I don’t find myself at ease with. To have time but no one to share it with. To have joys and troubles and no one around. Well, I do have someone I talk to but I’m probably not patient enough about it and I feel I have lost a lot of my confidence and have to learn to build all of that up again. It takes time and I feel like my time is running away from me.
Go out! Yes, yes, I know but there aren’t many places where people gather I feel like being at. Due to my disorder I feel uncomfortable in large crowds and I tire very fast trying to cope with all the impressions coming at me as sights, sounds and smells.
Is it hopeless? No, I don’t think so. Must try to learn how to cope with life alone.
Well I guess I owe Don Henley for todays headline. His song Where I Am Now actually inspired me to start writing this little update to my life and times.
A lot of things has happened lately and more to come soon. Both personal and work related things.
I’m not sure my brain is keeping up and emotions have been kind of all over the place.
First of all I’m feeling happy. Happier than ever, probably. Somebody has a lot to do with that happiness in my being. To hold on to that will be the great challenge for the coming days, weeks, months. And should it not be possible I’ll at least always have the memory of it all.
Never felt more alive than now. To put a price on that is impossible. All I can do is be thankful for it happening right now.
Positive energy and thinking has been guiding me forward and makes life easier to face. Not that the problems are gone, but I’m starting to see and find solutions now instead of getting stuck in thinking nothing is possible.
On the work front good things are coming soon. And after that I might be on my way to a real job again. I would be very happy if that happens. Been so long that I had lost all hope but now somehow things have started to take a turn for the better.
I’m part of a study group to learn more about how to handle problems associated with ASD and it is also a very positive experience. The people I meet there are friendly and I feel happy to learn from them and share my own ideas and ways of coping with the disorder.
So there are many good things going on now. That’s why I like where I am now.