Life

All posts tagged Life

Living on my own

Published 11/27/2017 by MoonieZ

I had no idea it would be so hard to adjust to life after my parents passed.

When my father passed away , after a long battle with cancer, I was devastated for years. I was sure nothing would be as painful as that experience.

Little did I know.

Twenty years later, and two years ago, my mother passed away after suffering a massive stroke. This blow didn’t feel as bad at first but now I find it gets worse by the month.

As it dawns on me I’m now alone. To live the rest of my days without anyone to ask for advice, help, support, comfort or whatever. No one to turn to. Wake up and go about my days alone. Come home to a silent apartment. Cook my meals and eat alone.

Sleepless nights scared, miserable, overcome by anxiety and crying my heart out – alone.

Significant other, you might ask? None. Never had one and not likely to ever find one as it seems to be the hardest thing to do for me. Connecting with other people is the most difficult thing I know. Partly due to the autism spectrum disorder I have but didn’t know for sure until last year, and partly due to not having a clue to how. Not for lack of trying various ways over the years.

Same to be said about friends. As a kid and up through my teens I had only a few friends and none was really close. As an adult I’ve had one real friend outside of family and relatives. But that friendship didn’t last.

However, while it lasted it was a great feeling to have someone to share live with – the highs AND the lows. Burdens became less heavy to carry and the joys felt greater when shared with her. Of course it worked both ways, I was as much her support as she was mine. I learned a lot about life and human interaction and also grew as a person during those years. I even learned to have arguments and how to make up afterwards.  My confidence also developed and I started to feel more secure in my daily interactions with other people.

When it all ended, or rather slowly faded away, I was very sad. For several reasons. I knew it wouldn’t be easy to find a new friend to be that close to and I knew I would find it hard to be alone again. Desperate search for a new friend ended in some sad disappointments and other failures. A limited success was good for a year or two until I realized some facts that did change my attitude to it all. Since then I’ve been afraid to get my hopes up and not looked around for friends at all. Until very recently.

During the last years of my mother’s life, my life was filled with problems I had created for myself and one I was only partly responsible for. There were a lot of arguments and hard feelings at times but still also the comfort of having someone to talk to and share things with. Although not all things. To do that I would have needed a friend and/or significant other.

Still those years were better because we could help each other and keep each other company at times even if most of the time was spent at separate ends of the house.

The topic is life after the parents passing though. And as I have already stated, it’s not  getting better. At least not for me. I’m only just now learning to live all alone and I don’t like it much. I don’t mind about doing chores and such, it’s the being all alone thing I don’t find myself at ease with.  To have time but no one to share it with. To have joys and troubles and no one around. Well, I do have someone I talk to but I’m probably not patient enough about it and I feel I have lost a lot of my confidence and have to learn to build all of that up again. It takes time and I feel like my time is running away from me.

Go out! Yes, yes, I know but there aren’t many places where people gather I feel like being at. Due to my disorder I feel uncomfortable in large crowds and I tire very fast trying to cope with all the impressions coming at me as sights, sounds and smells.

Is it hopeless? No, I don’t think so. Must try to learn how to cope with life alone.

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I like where I am now

Published 10/28/2017 by MoonieZ

Well I guess I owe Don Henley for todays headline. His song Where I Am Now actually inspired me to start writing this little update to my life and times.

A lot of things has happened lately and more to come soon. Both personal and work related things.

I’m not sure my brain is keeping up and emotions have been kind of all over the place.

First of all I’m feeling happy. Happier than ever, probably. Somebody has a lot to do with that happiness in my being. To hold on to that will be the great challenge for the coming days, weeks, months. And should it not be possible I’ll at least always have the memory of it all.

Never felt more alive than now. To put a price on that is impossible. All I can do is be thankful for it happening right now.

Positive energy and thinking has been guiding me forward and makes life easier to face. Not that the problems are gone, but I’m starting to see and find solutions now instead of getting stuck in thinking nothing is possible.

On the work front good things are coming soon. And after that I might be on my way to a real job again. I would be very happy if that happens. Been so long that I had lost all hope but now somehow things have started to take a turn for the better.

I’m part of a study group to learn more about how to handle problems associated with ASD and it is also a very positive experience. The people I meet there are friendly and I feel happy to learn from them and share my own ideas and ways of coping with the disorder.

So there are many good things going on now. That’s why I like where I am now.

What’s next ?

Published 10/07/2017 by MoonieZ

So here it is, readers.

I have a choice to make. To bash my skull in for being a crazy idiot and walk around feeling miserable for the rest of my life – or – acknowledge the fact that I’m feeling happy for the first time in a very long time. I mean really happy, not just trying to pretend happy like I usually do without fooling myself but perhaps one or two who don’t know me that well.

To decide to feel happy no matter what would be a step forward for me. To feel miserable and stupid wouldn’t be much of an improvement. So what I might have been reckless. I’m the only one to suffer, if there’s any suffering.

Maybe I ought to say I made an investment in my well-being. I like the sound of that.

For a long time, I’ve just pretended to be happy and positive. At night I felt the real me, the real emotions but I didn’t admit it to myself even. And not to anyone else.

I miss my home, I miss my parents so much I can hardly think of it or let myself feel it too often or I just break down and cry.

I hate being unable to make connections the way I want and long for. My stupid disorder makes me frustrated sometimes. Just because I know why my mind works the way it does, doesn’t mean I like it or think it’s not a huge problem. At times I wish some social things were easier, other times I couldn’t care less.

Frustration gets the better of me at times. At other times, I actually feel like I have managed to overcome some obstacles and made some progress. Learned to handle some situations better. Those moments I feel good about myself. Just isn’t happening enough.

The great consolation is music. Without music, I’d be unable to get through life.

Of course family, friends, movies, books also help but music is the best healer.

Now I’m starting to stray from the topic so I won’t go on for much longer, only to the end of this sentence.

Marched into March

Published 03/13/2017 by MoonieZ

Hello,

Me again. Been living in my new home for a month, tomorrow. Things are starting to settle. I’m starting to feel at home in my new town. However, I’m never going to feel as much at home here as I used to feel where I used to live. Can’t erase all those years and I doubt I’ll live here for as long. I’d have to get to be over 100 years old to do that. Not likely.

However, (there’s that word again), I might still be able to enjoy the rest of my life.

To get some kind of ok job would be nice. I still have another 15-17 years until retirement kick in. If I live to see it happen. Before that happens I would like to have worked some more. This unemployed thing is getting way old now. Not to mention I never know what the politicians will think of next to make life more miserable for the unemployed.

In the old days, politics used to be about changing society for the better. Lately it seems to be about the opposite. At least if you happen to be at the wrong end of the pyramid. Life at the top seems to be as good as always. Life at the bottom just become more unbearable for each passing year. Yet, I know that even the poor are getting less poor. At least on a global scale.

Enough of that now, I just checked in to let you readers know I’m still around and intend to keep this blog alive.

Over & out.

Looking back

Published 08/24/2016 by MoonieZ

to see the future. No.

Regrets? None. Not anything I done but things I haven’t done or didn’t do. What else is there to regret?

I did what I did and I’m happy with my choices. Most of them. Some I could have done better, but regret? No.

It comes and it goes the feeling of meaning or the lack of it. Yet the sun rises and then sets and one day gives way for the next and most beings don’t even reflect about the inevitable end we all race towards. 30 years ago I didn’t care much about the end. It seemed it was so far away it didn’t even count. Now – I don’t want to look forward. I feel like my time is running faster than I can live it. When I look back, I wonder where it all went. What did I do with all this time, all these years of days followed by days.

Next year I’ll be 50. With very little to show for it. Not for lack of trying but for lack of understanding how the world works. For many years also a lack of understanding of how I work.

And now it feels like too late to keep on trying. Go on living is all there is.

Struggle

Published 08/16/2016 by MoonieZ

Yeah, I’m back.

Once again, I’m here to tell you my life is a struggle. Nothing new. Same old story. Yes.

I know you think I  ought to stop talking about how my life is a struggle and start changing it instead.

And I agree. If only it wasn’t true that I have been trying to change it for decades. No luck.

Have I then lost the right to  write about the struggle my life is? No.

I do as I damn well please, and then I’ll sell it to the Japanese – so I can lead a good life.

Not that it is all bad to be me at all, but sometimes it sucks too much.

This past week has been very rough but I have survived. Not without a lot of pain and suffering but nonetheless here I am. Back to torment you with pointless posts like this one right here. Go and be a waiter in there!

So this week I plan to make some progress and get some fresh air into this dungeon of mine. About bloody time. Of course it could be just another false promise of mine but you’ll never know unless you stay tuned to this here blog. In fact, you might know more if you don’t stay tuned to this here blog but don’t mention it.

Plans? I’ve got lots of plans. Plans are cheap. They sell for a lot less than they cost to produce. Should be impossible but there is no end to the waste of plans around here.

Where am I going with this? Bet you’d like to know but I’m not yelling you. I’m not yelling at all. Not telling. I whisper your name in the quiet of the midnight hour. Or not. Hard to tell when I can’t hear what it is.

Lost.

No

Published 08/03/2016 by MoonieZ

No, I’m not happy with life. It could be worse, of course. It can always be worse, but the worst is that it could always be a hell of a lot better. But it never is. All I got is not so bad but not really good. I’m sick of it. Almost 50 years already gone, and what to show for it? Nothing. Almost nothing but that’s a thin almost. Sure I’ve had some moments where I thought life was actually good. Those happy times. I remember them vividly because there has been so few of them. The bad moments have been plenty, and those I also remember. Then there is life. Not that it makes me smile a lot. I get by.

Lately, I find myself not in the best of moods. I sleep a lot or not at all. I don’t get out much. There are things to do, I just don’t feel like doing any of it. Most of the time I’m thinking about how it is that I never get to where I would like to be no matter what I do or say. Or not. I have decided I have no clue how anything works. No matter how I try to figure it out, I end up in the same place.

So I do what I’m not supposed to do – I give up on it all. No more trying. Someone else can try now and let me rest and relax. Let my brain get some vacation.

Peace.

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