Life

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I like where I am now

Published 10/28/2017 by MoonieZ

Well I guess I owe Don Henley for todays headline. His song Where I Am Now actually inspired me to start writing this little update to my life and times.

A lot of things has happened lately and more to come soon. Both personal and work related things.

I’m not sure my brain is keeping up and emotions have been kind of all over the place.

First of all I’m feeling happy. Happier than ever, probably. Somebody has a lot to do with that happiness in my being. To hold on to that will be the great challenge for the coming days, weeks, months. And should it not be possible I’ll at least always have the memory of it all.

Never felt more alive than now. To put a price on that is impossible. All I can do is be thankful for it happening right now.

Positive energy and thinking has been guiding me forward and makes life easier to face. Not that the problems are gone, but I’m starting to see and find solutions now instead of getting stuck in thinking nothing is possible.

On the work front good things are coming soon. And after that I might be on my way to a real job again. I would be very happy if that happens. Been so long that I had lost all hope but now somehow things have started to take a turn for the better.

I’m part of a study group to learn more about how to handle problems associated with ASD and it is also a very positive experience. The people I meet there are friendly and I feel happy to learn from them and share my own ideas and ways of coping with the disorder.

So there are many good things going on now. That’s why I like where I am now.

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What’s next ?

Published 10/07/2017 by MoonieZ

So here it is, readers.

I have a choice to make. To bash my skull in for being a crazy idiot and walk around feeling miserable for the rest of my life – or – acknowledge the fact that I’m feeling happy for the first time in a very long time. I mean really happy, not just trying to pretend happy like I usually do without fooling myself but perhaps one or two who don’t know me that well.

To decide to feel happy no matter what would be a step forward for me. To feel miserable and stupid wouldn’t be much of an improvement. So what I might have been reckless. I’m the only one to suffer, if there’s any suffering.

Maybe I ought to say I made an investment in my well-being. I like the sound of that.

For a long time, I’ve just pretended to be happy and positive. At night I felt the real me, the real emotions but I didn’t admit it to myself even. And not to anyone else.

I miss my home, I miss my parents so much I can hardly think of it or let myself feel it too often or I just break down and cry.

I hate being unable to make connections the way I want and long for. My stupid disorder makes me frustrated sometimes. Just because I know why my mind works the way it does, doesn’t mean I like it or think it’s not a huge problem. At times I wish some social things were easier, other times I couldn’t care less.

Frustration gets the better of me at times. At other times, I actually feel like I have managed to overcome some obstacles and made some progress. Learned to handle some situations better. Those moments I feel good about myself. Just isn’t happening enough.

The great consolation is music. Without music, I’d be unable to get through life.

Of course family, friends, movies, books also help but music is the best healer.

Now I’m starting to stray from the topic so I won’t go on for much longer, only to the end of this sentence.

Marched into March

Published 03/13/2017 by MoonieZ

Hello,

Me again. Been living in my new home for a month, tomorrow. Things are starting to settle. I’m starting to feel at home in my new town. However, I’m never going to feel as much at home here as I used to feel where I used to live. Can’t erase all those years and I doubt I’ll live here for as long. I’d have to get to be over 100 years old to do that. Not likely.

However, (there’s that word again), I might still be able to enjoy the rest of my life.

To get some kind of ok job would be nice. I still have another 15-17 years until retirement kick in. If I live to see it happen. Before that happens I would like to have worked some more. This unemployed thing is getting way old now. Not to mention I never know what the politicians will think of next to make life more miserable for the unemployed.

In the old days, politics used to be about changing society for the better. Lately it seems to be about the opposite. At least if you happen to be at the wrong end of the pyramid. Life at the top seems to be as good as always. Life at the bottom just become more unbearable for each passing year. Yet, I know that even the poor are getting less poor. At least on a global scale.

Enough of that now, I just checked in to let you readers know I’m still around and intend to keep this blog alive.

Over & out.

Looking back

Published 08/24/2016 by MoonieZ

to see the future. No.

Regrets? None. Not anything I done but things I haven’t done or didn’t do. What else is there to regret?

I did what I did and I’m happy with my choices. Most of them. Some I could have done better, but regret? No.

It comes and it goes the feeling of meaning or the lack of it. Yet the sun rises and then sets and one day gives way for the next and most beings don’t even reflect about the inevitable end we all race towards. 30 years ago I didn’t care much about the end. It seemed it was so far away it didn’t even count. Now – I don’t want to look forward. I feel like my time is running faster than I can live it. When I look back, I wonder where it all went. What did I do with all this time, all these years of days followed by days.

Next year I’ll be 50. With very little to show for it. Not for lack of trying but for lack of understanding how the world works. For many years also a lack of understanding of how I work.

And now it feels like too late to keep on trying. Go on living is all there is.

Struggle

Published 08/16/2016 by MoonieZ

Yeah, I’m back.

Once again, I’m here to tell you my life is a struggle. Nothing new. Same old story. Yes.

I know you think I  ought to stop talking about how my life is a struggle and start changing it instead.

And I agree. If only it wasn’t true that I have been trying to change it for decades. No luck.

Have I then lost the right to  write about the struggle my life is? No.

I do as I damn well please, and then I’ll sell it to the Japanese – so I can lead a good life.

Not that it is all bad to be me at all, but sometimes it sucks too much.

This past week has been very rough but I have survived. Not without a lot of pain and suffering but nonetheless here I am. Back to torment you with pointless posts like this one right here. Go and be a waiter in there!

So this week I plan to make some progress and get some fresh air into this dungeon of mine. About bloody time. Of course it could be just another false promise of mine but you’ll never know unless you stay tuned to this here blog. In fact, you might know more if you don’t stay tuned to this here blog but don’t mention it.

Plans? I’ve got lots of plans. Plans are cheap. They sell for a lot less than they cost to produce. Should be impossible but there is no end to the waste of plans around here.

Where am I going with this? Bet you’d like to know but I’m not yelling you. I’m not yelling at all. Not telling. I whisper your name in the quiet of the midnight hour. Or not. Hard to tell when I can’t hear what it is.

Lost.

No

Published 08/03/2016 by MoonieZ

No, I’m not happy with life. It could be worse, of course. It can always be worse, but the worst is that it could always be a hell of a lot better. But it never is. All I got is not so bad but not really good. I’m sick of it. Almost 50 years already gone, and what to show for it? Nothing. Almost nothing but that’s a thin almost. Sure I’ve had some moments where I thought life was actually good. Those happy times. I remember them vividly because there has been so few of them. The bad moments have been plenty, and those I also remember. Then there is life. Not that it makes me smile a lot. I get by.

Lately, I find myself not in the best of moods. I sleep a lot or not at all. I don’t get out much. There are things to do, I just don’t feel like doing any of it. Most of the time I’m thinking about how it is that I never get to where I would like to be no matter what I do or say. Or not. I have decided I have no clue how anything works. No matter how I try to figure it out, I end up in the same place.

So I do what I’m not supposed to do – I give up on it all. No more trying. Someone else can try now and let me rest and relax. Let my brain get some vacation.

Peace.

Dear blog

Published 03/21/2016 by MoonieZ

Been a long time.

Now, I’m not going to repeat the whole story of how this thing got started but it did start because it was suggested to me to use a blog for my less than creative writings.

Over the years I used this blog for anything and everything. No direction, no vision, and no set topic or theme. It has worked out rather well without those things.

Most of all I think this is a place for my thoughts about me. A rather dull subject matter with no real importance to anyone else. Yet, readers have appeared from time to time, and also comments. All of them very polite.

Due to the  disorder I only recently found out I suffer from, I suck at being  social. So, I tend to not communicate in the ways that might be expected of me by “normal” people.

On the internet, I find my talent to express myself in writing helps me be a bit more social. In real life, on the other hand, I tend to keep myself to myself and I often keep a distance instead of interacting with other people.

While I grew up, everyone , including myself, thought the reason for my lack of interaction was due to shyness. But, now I know it has been due to autism spectrum disorder all along.

My life hasn’t changed just because I’ve learned of my disorder, but I am now able to more fully understand my own thoughts, feelings and actions and why they are the way they are.

I no longer have to question why I can’t  be more like this or like that. And I no longer feel like a failure because I don’t interact or behave like a “normal” person would.

This has reduced the amount of stress in my life a lot.

Probably not the first post I’ve made about this subject but I couldn’t think of anything else to write today.

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