birthday

All posts tagged birthday

The end is near

Published 12/31/2015 by MoonieZ

Goodbye to 2015.

What a year, If I had known this time last year what 2015 would be like, I would have stopped time one minute before midnight and let 2014 repeat itself.

My 2015 started with serious suicide thoughts and a depression that needed medical attention. After that long struggle through the Winter, Spring and Summer I had my 48th birthday in September and started to have some hope of a better end to the year.

As soon as I started to think that things could start to be better, however, the next blow came around.

In October my dear mother suffered a major brain hemorrhage she couldn’t recover from and passed away after spending a week at the hospital.

Suddenly my whole life turned upside down and inside out. I’m still trying to get myself back to working order.  I know it happened, but at times it all still feels unreal. Like a long dream I’m waiting to wake up from.

I spent Christmas with one of my cousins and her family and other relatives. Not being alone on Christmas eve was nice. But it didn’t really feel like Christmas. I don’t think Christmas will ever be the same as it was before.

On the employment front there is not much to tell. I’m still looking for work.

The examination to determine my possible neuropsychiatric disorder will start soon and when that is all over and done, I hope I will be able to get some more help and support in order to find some work and to sort out my life.

I still hope 2016 will be a better year and the start of a happier life for me.

Happy New Year, readers! May 2016 be a wonderful year for all of us!

Happy Birthday, J !

Published 10/05/2015 by MoonieZ

Happy Birthday to you my old friend.

Not to say you are old or anything and I won’t mention your age but I do want to wish you a wonderful birthday.

I know you don’t wish to keep in touch so this is not any attempt to get in touch again. Just happened to think of the times we shared and how much I value our friendship now that it isn’t active anymore. I will always remember it.

Anyway, to make a long story short,here’s a song from the old days:

My birthday 2015

Published 09/13/2015 by MoonieZ

What’s another year…..

My birthday came and went. All the usual suspects showed up and some congratulated via Facebook. Some didn’t do anything at all. Just as every year.

I made the sandwich cake myself this year instead of buying one from the store. Just to show the world I can get things done – if I really want to.

I got a nice pair of shoes from my uncle, and a fine sweater from one of my cousins.My oldest brother brought flowers.  Not that I really need any presents at this age. Still nice that they made the effort to get me some things. The best was that they showed up.

If I knew

Published 09/20/2014 by MoonieZ

what to do, I would have already done it.

I hate my life, I hate being poor, I hate trying and only failing over and over. I wish I could find the way forward that would enable me to make my life better. I only seem to be stuck in the same place. For a moment here and there I manage to trick myself into thinking that I’m actually not stuck, that I’m not feeling like shit. That I’m actually happy. I hate to keep a straight face, I hate to pretend I’m not falling on my face right down in the gutter. I hate to try for the same jobs over and over and knowing what will happen: nothing. We’re sorry, out of all the applicants we have decided to move forward with other people, but you are welcome to try again another time. Try. I think not.

There is no try. You do or do not. I do but it doesn’t help because I don’t do it enough or for some other reason.

I also don’t sleep enough because I’m always thinking too much about how I’m going to get out of the hole I’m in. How to escape this life I’m so fed up with I could puke. Yes, I’m angry. I think I deserve better. I think somebody owes me something. A better life.

I blame the government, the big greedy capitalists and the society as a whole for not being able to solve the problems and not being interested in giving everyone a decent life.

There is money enough, there are resources. The lack is of will to make the changes – because it is so much easier if the blame stays on my own shoulders. I’m weak, I’m too old, I’m not educated enough, not skilled, not flexible, not willing enough, not strong, I’m too lazy, not trying hard enough…. The short version: not perfect.

No human is perfect. We should be allowed to live decent lives anyway. Have jobs and means to support ourselves. It is possible to make it so. It ought to be so. But somewhere someone makes more profit from it not being so. That’s why it won’t be. Not because of me or others just like me but because of those who think they stand to lose. They also have the power to  prevent it or make it happen. That’s why I refuse to take the blame for being poor and unemployed and make it a question of my personal imperfections. I refuse and I accuse.

Call me stupid, if you like. Call me whatever you like. I still have the right to think what I want and also to express my thoughts (within limits).

I also don’t eat as good as I could. I know that is maybe a choice and maybe not, because the stress of the situation I’m in does influence how often and what I eat. Sometimes I don’t feel like eating even though I feel hunger. Other times I eat too much, often because I seek some comfort away from the stress. I don’t feel good about any of it. I know it’s not good but that’s the way it is. I do what I can to stay alive. Even if it kills me in the end.

End.

Btw. About a week ago, I celebrated my 47th birthday. Almost nobody except family and close relatives greeted me. I felt forgotten and thought about this song that goes

“nobody knows you when you’re down and out” and how it has a truth to it.  Then I started to make up excuses for everyone  in my head. I’m sure everyone just happened to forget about me this year for one reason or another but they care anyway and so on… But I couldn’t completely block out the sadness I felt inside.

Nine years running down the road…

Published 06/08/2014 by MoonieZ

Or up the hill. Whatever.

This month, this blog celebrates nine years old. Will it live to be ten? Who knows. Time will tell.

How does a blog celebrate its birthday, by the way? I can’t really picture a cake and a party, balloons and presents and someone singing Happy Birthday to you, happy birthday dear blog, happy birthday to you!

On the other hand I have a limited imagination. My readers know exactly what I’m talking about, or maybe they don’t.

I haven’t asked.

Writing becomes harder, because my keyboard sucks. Old and almost impossible to find the right keys on. Kind of like me. I’m old and can’t find the right keys, ever.

Ok, before I start ranting for another 1,000 words, I might as well stop and be done.

Not too soon

Published 03/26/2014 by MoonieZ

Just when the time is right, I return once more to this deserted place in cyberspace. Couldn’t help myself, so you just have to accept this as it is. That’s all.

Alive, still. Life is a struggle but what are the options? I have to keep living. Have to? Yes, there’s no choice unless I kill myself  but I haven’t the stomach for it. So I try. In the face of Yoda, I try. I should know there is no try but still I try. What else is there to do? I know, I know – do or do not. Had to throw that in there. Had to. For better or worse, the nerd in me got the best of me there.

I have had a few weeks at the new office by now. Not really happy with it. Not as good as the other one. The people are nice, at least nobody bothers me but I don’t feel at home there and I miss having the newsletter to work for, to write for. I miss the whole place. It was much more like a real job and the air was better. This new office is too warm, I can’t function in too warm places, my brain overheat.

The main thing is the things I work on now, to write, are not what I really want to do. But mostly I don’t like working on texts that will not reach any readers. To not have readers makes it pointless to make an effort to write anything at all.  Still, I’m writing. Here and there, now and then. Trying to keep myself from going crazy.  Nothing I can do. It is what it is.

The great TV show True Detective on HBO has finished its first season. I was glued to each episode, some of them I have watched more than once. Also the music has been fabulous. Now I only wait for Game of Thrones season 4 to start. I’m not sure it will be better than True Detective but I know I will be watching it all the same.

My mother turned 90 years old last week. The party was fun. A lot of family and friends gathered. Only the weather wasn’t so nice, so it was good the party was indoors.

 

Back to the usual routine

Published 01/07/2013 by MoonieZ

Monday.

I’m back at the usual routine. No more holidays, only ordinary days.

The past weekend I spent at parties, or at least at one party.

My uncle turned 75 years old so there was a surprise party on Saturday evening. Then there was a dinner on Sunday for family and relatives. A lot fun at both. A lot of good food and drink too. Also a good time to catch up with some cousins and other relatives I don’t see very often.

On Sunday evening I was very tired when I returned home but I spent the rest of the evening relaxing while watching some old movies on Netflix: The Silence of the Lambs and The Terminator. Even though I have watched them many times before I always like to watch them again.

Today I woke up too early, went back to sleep, then woke up again just in time to get ready and then go to the bus stop.

At the office I had some nice conversations with one of my colleagues and also did some reading and writing. It was a nice start of the week, although a bit slow. There will be a lot of new things happening during the coming weeks there though so I’m looking forward to an interesting start of the year.

I’m happy there’s no more snow on the way yet. The weather is rather nice lately – only a few degrees below zero and not always cloudy. Not bad for this time of year.

Since many previous posts have been somewhat negative, I have done my best to make this a positive one in order to prove that I  am in fact able to focus on good things.

 

Monday musing

Published 09/24/2012 by MoonieZ

Back from the darkness of my latest nightmare. Not that bad, but each post requires a new opening, or not?

The weekend came and went and I came a few times. I have this toy I use sometimes when I don’t feel like it’s too much work. Yet after using it, I was once more reminded why I mostly can’t be bothered. However it was a nice feeling while it lasted.

What else? Let’s see. I watched some movies, TV-series episodes and listened to some music. Slept a lot. Had too much candy to eat. Only because I found some cheap Jelly babies at the local supermarket and could not stop myself from buying a lot of them.

I will have to avoid that place for a while or I will not be able to control myself.

What else. Well I visited my oldest nephew on his birthday, yesterday. Mostly everyone focused on his daughter because she is still not even a year old and of course completely adorable.

The cake was really good. Other than that it was a birthday like most other birthdays. I talked to my nephew about my blog project for a bit. A nice afternoon.

I helped my mother with her medication after the eye surgery. She is very happy to be able to see clearly again.

What else. I talked to some friends on Twitter a little.

Also looked at Tumblr and reblogged some stuff.

 

And now, the news

Published 09/15/2012 by MoonieZ

Ok, I’m a year older. My birthday came and went.

I got greetings from friends on the internet, they really made me happy. Every time it happens, I’m always surprised to see that so many actually care about me. I know I shouldn’t be so surprised but sometimes I tend to forget there are people who care about me. I tend to want to dwell in misery all on my own and think that the world has forgotten about me. Don’t ask me why I’m still so stupid, I really wish I could stop thinking that way.

My family and relatives greeted me on Facebook. My aunt and uncle and one of cousins visited me. My brother the chef called me on the phone. My other uncle sent a greeting card.

All in all it was a fine day.

The rest of the week was kind of average. On Monday I went to a small town outside of Stockholm to apply for a job.  On Tuesday I was at the office doing some writing and discussing. In the evening I helped my mother bake some for my birthday. On Wednesday – my birthday – I went to the small town again to apply for another job. On the way home I stopped by the grocery store to pick up some things for my birthday party. Got home, rested a bit, then started to set the table and get things ready before the guests arrived.

On Thursday, I worked at home. Did some writing, and other things. On Friday I was back at the office and continued to work on my blog project. I also applied for some work.

In the evening I watched TV and a movie  and looked around on the internet. Went to sleep late.

Today I woke up early thinking I had to get up and go to work before I remembered I had nowhere to go and that it is Saturday anyway. Fell asleep again and finally got up around 11 am.  Read the newspaper, then got some work clothes on and went out to work in the yard until the afternoon.

Had some pain in my stomach so went inside to rest before dinner.

After dinner, I’ve spent the rest of the evening reading, listening to music and looking around the internet. Maybe I’ll find a movie to watch later on.

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