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Shouldn’t, but will anyway

Published 05/03/2016 by MoonieZ

The best thing to do, would be not to write this but I’m not able to contain myself when some people just makes me want to express myself any way I can. The only way I know is in writing.
I had a stab at drawing comics & cartoons at one point in time when I was still in school but I already knew writing is my thing. Not that I think I’m any good, but I get by. And there are lots of stories unpublished from the times when I wrote fiction and not much else. Then I gave up on the fiction.
Except for a blog post or two.

Now I only spill my thoughts and feelings out. Here. This blog which I have kept going for 11 years next month. Without friends online it would never have started. Without friends online it would not have lasted this long.

So, I have to say that meeting new people online, wherever it happens, and how, is always inspiring the urge to write. Something. Anything.

However, my somewhat complicated communication skills make me doubt myself more often than not. The process of learning what comes naturally to most, is a challenge on a daily basis. Not going to dwell on that just now, though.

The reason I write this, is because I feel happy for the first time in a long time. Happy to have fun, happy to chat, happy to make jokes and play the clown or fool or court jester or whatever. Happy to be me. Happy to be alive.

Maybe it has to do with Spring coming around, the Sun being back. The warm weather. The light.

Whatever, in this case I know it to be all because of one individual. She’s a gem. At least that’s how I see it. Most likely because I feel good seeing it that way. It brings the joy of being alive back. Not when I expected it. But probably when I needed it. Anyway, I’m simply grateful for it happening.

Now I should take a chill pill and go to sleep. Due to my past, that course of action is the only sensible one. Readers of my blog will know that I have managed to go overboard on several occasions with disasters as a result.

Not this time. This time, I play my part and keep myself under wraps. Better for me, better for everyone.

So many words, so little meaning. Sorry, at least I’m being honest. I’m complicated. Only my own fault.

One friend used to tell me to not bash myself into the ground. Not only one but two friends told me that. I should not think less of myself. So now I try but I can’t say I don’t struggle with it all the time. So easy to fall into it. To feel like I’m of no use just because I stumble on the road of life, now and then.

What’s my point? No idea, but thanks for reading.

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Sunday morning

Published 08/17/2014 by MoonieZ

Hi.

Woke up early but still it was almost too late.  However, the first activity this morning – after getting up and going to the computer to say hi to a new friend – was to engage in a relaxed but intense masturbation session.  It had been a while since I had a really good one so I made the best of the morning wood. Also helped to take my mind off of the awful headlines about attacks, violence, disasters, murder and war  filling my favorite news media sites. Decided to deal with them later.

The resulting orgasm was rather satisfying, even though I rarely take the time to analyze or rate the experience. I’m a guy, I don’t think much about the concept while I’m at it (or at all), I simply expect a certain amount of manual labor and manipulation of a certain part of my body to result in a climactic release of fluid. I leave the deep philosophic aspects of  the subject to humans of the female persuasion.

Then I had a cookie for breakfast.

Soon enough I was working my way through the timelines of my social media services: Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, Tumblr while also keeping an eye at a cam chat site.  In the back of my mind a thought was lurking. a thought about writing this text you are now reading.  I used to write these more often but this year they have been mostly absent from my blog. The need to write has not been that great but maybe it has started to grow again.

Meanwhile the neighborhood was so quiet I imagined being the last living person on Earth. Then I thought, that idea has been done too many times, don’t go there. So I didn’t. Instead I thought about turning some music on, really loud, but decided against that idea. No reason to provoke the neighbors, never know how long they will want to pay the taxes that help pay for the small economic benefits I depend on for  my survival.

I ended up writing this text. That’s where my Sunday is at, at this very moment.  Now. if I could only find a way to finish this, so it can be posted while the Sunday is still around, I’d be happy.

That said, I think dinner time is approaching, so I’ll have to stop.

All about the people

Published 08/16/2014 by MoonieZ

Listen up, people – or better yet: read. I’ve got something to say.

Not long ago I thought I was more or less done doing certain things. Most of the fun had gone out of it. I didn’t feel the same need to be around a certain place. Except for the chance to see my few friends. I didn’t have the urge to participate at all. The time had come to close the door on the whole thing.

What I thought was the final nail in the lid of that coffin, turned out to be a start of something new and exciting. Somehow the fun has returned. Thanks to new people, I found my lust to take part again.

Even the old bad habit of staying up late and getting no sleep. However, I find I’m getting too old for that part.

In the words of the great poet John Fogerty:

[I’m] born again, there’s new grass on the field  

This leads me to the conclusion  that it’s all about the people you meet.

John Fogerty – Centerfield

Tuesday

Published 01/09/2013 by MoonieZ

Just another day. Ended a lot better than it started. Well, it started ok, so I’m not saying it was bad at all. Just a lot of snow to shovel away.  Then I did some other work and even later I had some dinner. Watched MasterChef on TV and then went out to shovel some snow again. Got back inside in time to have a nice chat with a friend.

So, all in all, my Tuesday has been good. Now there is only a few minutes left of it so there’s not much more to tell. Not if I want to publish this while it’s still Tuesday. Looks like I won’t make it.

I would if I had stopped typing in time but I didn’t. Only now. Anyway I’m too distracted to finish this right now.

 

Back

Published 10/23/2012 by MoonieZ

I’m back. To what? To feeling ok. I had to struggle to get back to that feeling. To get away from feeling sad and depressed.

On the other hand I wrote that I would feel the way I did until I wasn’t feeling that way anymore. Well, anymore is here.

There’s new grass on the field. Well, not new grass at this time of year perhaps but maybe enough left of the old grass to support a better feeling.

This morning I woke up after sleeping rather badly again. I had some belly ache and didn’t feel like getting up, but I did and I also got myself ready to go to the bus and I finally arrived on time at the office.

New people started today too. One more body in the small room I share with one other person. Sorry to say that new person had to witness how I got into an argument with the roomie about taxi cab fares. Then I was told I don’t talk, that I only talk to myself and that I’m ridiculous and mean.

So for a few hours I felt rather upset about this. I had only wanted to help with the taxi cab fare matter but perhaps I didn’t express myself too good due to being tired from not sleeping very well.

On twitter I almost made a fool of myself and said something stupid to a friend which I still feel bad about.

Anyway the day got better later on and by the time I went home I had a better feeling in my bones.

After dinner I rested and looked for a movie to watch. Then I went to a chatroom to talk to a friend and it was a nice few hours that really made my day a lot better. In fact, I now feel so good I am almost ashamed of all the words I’ve used for the last few days to tell the world about how depressed I felt. Notice I said ‘almost’.

I’m not going to excuse my feelings or regret sharing them. At least not all the time…

So what remains of my evening, I’ll be spending watching some movie or some tv and then I’ll be going to sleep.

All is well that ends well.

Late in the evening

Published 10/22/2012 by MoonieZ

Been eating too much. I always do when I’m not feeling too happy about life or about myself.

Today has been such a depressing day. The weather was not too bad. Cloudy. Not the reason for feeling unhappy. In my previous update I made an effort to explain the whole issue but I probably didn’t make much sense.  Anyway, I’m not about to try making sense now. I said what was on my mind at the time.

Looking back on my weekend, it was ok. Friday was good. I had a nice time seeing a friend in a chatroom. Friday night was the night before her birthday, so it was a special occasion. Even though I almost missed the whole thing due to being asleep and not hearing my alarm. Somehow I did eventually manage to wake up and get to my computer. So Friday night and early Saturday was good. I slept a long time after all of that.

The rest of my Saturday was also rather good. I had a  visit by my nephew and his baby daughter. Spent the afternoon with them and with my mother.

In the evening I watched tv and listened to music. Probably spent some time reading tweets and looking at my Tumblr dashboard too. Went to sleep late, kind of slightly worried, then slept a really long time and woke up not really wanting to get up.  Weather was gloomy. A lot of rain. Didn’t go out for the whole day. Spent my time reading, watching movies, tweeting and listening to music.

Thought about writing something for the blog but didn’t like what I wrote. Then had a shower and washed my hair before going to sleep rather late. Had trouble falling asleep as I had too many thoughts running around in my mind.

Woke up this morning feeling not so great. Which brings me back to what I wrote earlier today so now I’m going to leave that subject behind. There’s nothing I can do to change anything anyway. What has been, has been. It’s history. I’m moving on.

Surely I understand that feeling depressed about this thing is making it into too big an issue. It all boils down to me and my reaction to things that don’t happen the way I expect them to. That’s all there is. I know I am probably better off not reacting the way I do but it’s too late, I have already reacted. I feel the way I do and I will feel that way until I stop feeling that way and start feeling something else.

Some new people started at the office today, but mostly it was business as usual over there. I spent my time reading and writing some stuff I had planned and then I went back home at the usual time.

At home after a long ride on crowded buses, I had a pizza which I heated in the oven. Then I should have stopped eating but I had some potato snacks and dip during the evening. I also drank a lot of iced tea.

Now, about a quarter to midnight, I will finish this little rant and go to sleep. I hope I will sleep better tonight. For some reason I just feel like leaving my depressed feeling behind. And all thoughts too. I hope I will.

When I return with the next update, I hope it will be something happy or at least different.

 

Weirdo

Published 07/01/2012 by MoonieZ

That’s me. Sometimes. This week, I’ve been more or less weird. I apologize to everyone who has had to put up with my weirdness. I hope you can forgive me? Wasn’t my intention to be this weird, it just sort of happened due to reasons beyond my control. This pain that keeps coming and going, being the main reason.

However, right now, I feel better than I have for most of the week. Only a few times during the week, have I felt this good or better. Those times involved being in a chatroom talking to a friend or being on twitter talking to friends. Without those moments, I don’t know how I would have gotten through the week.

At the office, I did try to get things done but I was unable to focus on the tasks at hand long enough to really get anywhere. I will have to make up for lost time in the coming week. I suspect July will be a quiet month around the office, as it was during last summer.  Will be nice, I prefer when there are not too many people around. I’ve never liked being in large crowds.

Today, I could have been at party at my cousin’s place but, I had to decline due to not having any good shoes to wear. The real reason being, I needed more rest and had my pain to deal with. Still I have to get out more before everyone thinks I’ve become a hermit.

Now, I’m going watch the final game of the European Football Championship 2012: Spain vs Italy and I hope Italy will win.

After the game, I go to sleep and hope I will wake up feeling good tomorrow too.