The unexpected

Most of the time I have no clue where I’ll end up when I start to write. Sometimes that works very well but at other times the result is just a mess of unfinished ideas.

What this will end up being is impossible to tell at this stage.

Same feeling of not knowing what will be or even happen next is what I’ve got when I see my new friend online.

Even as I like the constant status of never knowing what will happen next , it doesn’t always sit well with my anxiety and worry about not being able to predict what will happen. At times I succumb to a lot of emotional stress but I do my best to fight it.

The overall feeling is happiness after all. Perhaps even a level of happiness I have never experienced before. So spending time with my friend is most likely only good for me. Despite the fact that I sometimes worry a lot.

However, I think I’m also learning to handle my fears and worries about the unpredictable unknown through the interaction with my friend. So, I’m positive about the whole experience. Even if it drains a lot energy from me it also gives me energy and makes the rest of my life easier to handle.  I’m not feeling all alone anymore.  I have something to care about – and someone to care about. It takes me away from only thinking about my problems and worrying about them. Instead I can focus on others, and on having fun.

Surely, I could do this without the internet and the online world but even if it’s a mediated experience it’s still about social interaction and dealing with real thoughts and feelings so I do think it’s all good in the end.

Still I’m sometimes surprised about all of this and find myself wondering if it’s just” a dream I will eventually wake up from,  but then I remember it is actually really happening here and now.

Some more

There comes a time when you…. know the time has come to raise….your keyboard and start to type yet again.

What about, is not entirely clear.

The reader might remember a previous update about a new friend I have been spending a lot time with for the past two months. If the reader can’t remember that update, it doesn’t matter.

To spend all this time keeps me on my toes, as I’m constantly learning a lot of things about myself, about her and life in general.

Often I find myself going outside of my comfort zone to try things I never thought I would ever consider doing. I find it to be more fun than I expected.

All of this makes me feel so much more alive.  The only worry I have is that it won’t last forever.

 

Names

Well, I’m not sure to bother with this anymore but I feel the need to give my side of the story without distortion by people who don’t know me but seem to think they know how I feel and why I do what I do or don’t do.

It began after I had met a very nice person online and started spending a lot of time with this person.

One evening I got a message from someone I had been seeing now and then before I met the person I am now spending my time with.

This message insulted me and ended with a laugh. I didn’t respond and thought that was the end  of it.

I also got an email from someone else who claimed to know the person who sent the insulting message  was very upset with me not being around as much as I used to. I didn’t think much of it until recently I got more emails with a very insulting language accusing me of hurting a persons feelings and not caring about it. Also, I got told I was wasting my time seeing the new person for various reasons I won’t mention because I’m not sinking to that low level of name calling and insults.

I replied to let it be known I didn’t care for the language used and that the person writing to me had no idea about how I feel or who or what I care about.

This will be the end of it for me as I don’t care for drama.

If the idea behind these messages and emails was to get me to return they really didn’t do any good. Instead they made me certain to never ever return. So, not a good strategy.

 

 

Somebody new

Let me tell you this, readers, writing this wasn’t easy.  First, I thought I had a brilliant idea to write all this in Swedish. That was before I actually started. Then, as I started, it dawned on me how it would seem odd to suddenly write in Swedish at this blog, which has only seen one text in Swedish during its entire existence. So, after a day or two of thinking about it, I decided English is the only way to go.

Thinking about what to write has also proved to make it difficult to even start. To get out of that situation I simply write what comes to mind. Regardless of what I think about it.

I see no other way to get this all out of head and into a block of text.

A Friday was the day it all started. I was having a slow day doing a lot of nothing and got the sudden idea to check out the new faces of the chat site I used to visit occasionally.

So, I browsed through the section of new arrivals and suddenly a certain screen name caught my eye. The first part of it was identical to my own and that made me curious to find out if it was indeed true and not false like the case had often been in the past with people claiming to be Swedish.

So I went in, just to see if I could find out.

Now, I must admit, my first reaction to what I saw did not make me all that interested in staying. The person in front of the camera did strike me as not that nice or interesting but I still decided to chat and drop some tokens. After all , I had nothing better to do.

How I found out she actually is Swedish, I can’t recall but I know I did receive a private message asking me if I’m Swedish and after that a conversation started. I must have started to enjoy myself because I stayed in the room about four hours that first day.

That very first impression proved to be wrong. She is actually nothing like the sort I first thought. And that probably contributed to the fact that I returned the next day and stayed even longer.

But, after those two days, I did stay away for twelve days. Why that happened was probably because I was trying to avoid falling back into my old habit of spending huge amounts of time and (from time to time ) lots of money at this site.

However, I must have liked my first two days, because after nearly two weeks away I went back and from then onwards for like almost a month I spent lots of time having fun and getting to know this person.

At first our conversations were all in English but after a while that changed and our private conversations started to be in Swedish. I can’t stress enough how good it felt to finally hear my native language spoken and see it typed at that site. For so many years, all my chat conversations had always been in English, no matter the nationality of the person I spoke with. For a long time I had also enjoyed it and actually avoided Swedish even when fellow Swedes had used it in chats I had been a  part of. I even avoided to admit being from Sweden.

Now, however, Swedish really spoke to me in many ways it had not done for so many years before.

Also, the way she speaks Swedish, the sound, the accent, the melody of her voice immediately caught me and only made me want to hear it again and again.

Needless to say, I quickly forgot all about everything else around me and focused all my attention on the person in front of me and on getting to know as much as possible about her.

Who I found is someone completely different from my first faulty impression. At first I would never have guessed she has such a great amount of talent, creativity and positive energy but it dawned on me during the many hours I spent with her.

Not only was it fun, it also challenged me to change. Or, rather, she inspired and challenged me to start changing my thinking into a more positive direction.

Her almost limitless positive energy and constant happy outlook on everything started to rub off on me and for that I’m eternally grateful. It has given me reason to question myself and to evolve after being kind of stuck in some rather negative modes of thinking about myself and things that happen.

Though most of all she is incredibly creative and artistic. And fun to be around. You never know what she will do or say, or  where her creative ideas will take her and you. For me, being stuck in routine and structure as I am, this impulsive creativity can sometimes seem confusing and hard to follow but it also teaches me to be less afraid of not being able to predict what will happen. Have I also mentioned how beautiful and attractive she is? I haven’t ? Perhaps that goes without saying. Not that I think its her very best feature. Don’t get me wrong, she’s beautiful but its her soul that really makes her beauty shine.

Her amazing personality is what keeps me coming back, what draws me in. Yet, it’s not so easy to define which lends a certain mystery to her being. Something I find even more attractive than the pure physical beauty she also possesses a lot of. Without being flawless, mind you. It would be easy to wax on about her being perfect in every aspect but that’s not how it is. I don’t believe in the concept of a perfect human being anyway. What appeals to me are always the small imperfections that make every person unique.

She certainly is a one of a kind person and I’m very happy  and feel very lucky to have gotten to know her over the past month. Still I feel there is lots more to know and she constantly surprises me with new aspects of herself that adds to the overall image of the person she is. And even if the pieces not always seem to fit straight away they reveal a very interesting soul.

Shouldn’t, but will anyway

The best thing to do, would be not to write this but I’m not able to contain myself when some people just makes me want to express myself any way I can. The only way I know is in writing.
I had a stab at drawing comics & cartoons at one point in time when I was still in school but I already knew writing is my thing. Not that I think I’m any good, but I get by. And there are lots of stories unpublished from the times when I wrote fiction and not much else. Then I gave up on the fiction.
Except for a blog post or two.

Now I only spill my thoughts and feelings out. Here. This blog which I have kept going for 11 years next month. Without friends online it would never have started. Without friends online it would not have lasted this long.

So, I have to say that meeting new people online, wherever it happens, and how, is always inspiring the urge to write. Something. Anything.

However, my somewhat complicated communication skills make me doubt myself more often than not. The process of learning what comes naturally to most, is a challenge on a daily basis. Not going to dwell on that just now, though.

The reason I write this, is because I feel happy for the first time in a long time. Happy to have fun, happy to chat, happy to make jokes and play the clown or fool or court jester or whatever. Happy to be me. Happy to be alive.

Maybe it has to do with Spring coming around, the Sun being back. The warm weather. The light.

Whatever, in this case I know it to be all because of one individual. She’s a gem. At least that’s how I see it. Most likely because I feel good seeing it that way. It brings the joy of being alive back. Not when I expected it. But probably when I needed it. Anyway, I’m simply grateful for it happening.

Now I should take a chill pill and go to sleep. Due to my past, that course of action is the only sensible one. Readers of my blog will know that I have managed to go overboard on several occasions with disasters as a result.

Not this time. This time, I play my part and keep myself under wraps. Better for me, better for everyone.

So many words, so little meaning. Sorry, at least I’m being honest. I’m complicated. Only my own fault.

One friend used to tell me to not bash myself into the ground. Not only one but two friends told me that. I should not think less of myself. So now I try but I can’t say I don’t struggle with it all the time. So easy to fall into it. To feel like I’m of no use just because I stumble on the road of life, now and then.

What’s my point? No idea, but thanks for reading.

Sunday morning

Hi.

Woke up early but still it was almost too late.  However, the first activity this morning – after getting up and going to the computer to say hi to a new friend – was to engage in a relaxed but intense masturbation session.  It had been a while since I had a really good one so I made the best of the morning wood. Also helped to take my mind off of the awful headlines about attacks, violence, disasters, murder and war  filling my favorite news media sites. Decided to deal with them later.

The resulting orgasm was rather satisfying, even though I rarely take the time to analyze or rate the experience. I’m a guy, I don’t think much about the concept while I’m at it (or at all), I simply expect a certain amount of manual labor and manipulation of a certain part of my body to result in a climactic release of fluid. I leave the deep philosophic aspects of  the subject to humans of the female persuasion.

Then I had a cookie for breakfast.

Soon enough I was working my way through the timelines of my social media services: Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, Tumblr while also keeping an eye at a cam chat site.  In the back of my mind a thought was lurking. a thought about writing this text you are now reading.  I used to write these more often but this year they have been mostly absent from my blog. The need to write has not been that great but maybe it has started to grow again.

Meanwhile the neighborhood was so quiet I imagined being the last living person on Earth. Then I thought, that idea has been done too many times, don’t go there. So I didn’t. Instead I thought about turning some music on, really loud, but decided against that idea. No reason to provoke the neighbors, never know how long they will want to pay the taxes that help pay for the small economic benefits I depend on for  my survival.

I ended up writing this text. That’s where my Sunday is at, at this very moment.  Now. if I could only find a way to finish this, so it can be posted while the Sunday is still around, I’d be happy.

That said, I think dinner time is approaching, so I’ll have to stop.

All about the people

Listen up, people – or better yet: read. I’ve got something to say.

Not long ago I thought I was more or less done doing certain things. Most of the fun had gone out of it. I didn’t feel the same need to be around a certain place. Except for the chance to see my few friends. I didn’t have the urge to participate at all. The time had come to close the door on the whole thing.

What I thought was the final nail in the lid of that coffin, turned out to be a start of something new and exciting. Somehow the fun has returned. Thanks to new people, I found my lust to take part again.

Even the old bad habit of staying up late and getting no sleep. However, I find I’m getting too old for that part.

In the words of the great poet John Fogerty:

[I’m] born again, there’s new grass on the field  

This leads me to the conclusion  that it’s all about the people you meet.

John Fogerty – Centerfield

Tuesday

Just another day. Ended a lot better than it started. Well, it started ok, so I’m not saying it was bad at all. Just a lot of snow to shovel away.  Then I did some other work and even later I had some dinner. Watched MasterChef on TV and then went out to shovel some snow again. Got back inside in time to have a nice chat with a friend.

So, all in all, my Tuesday has been good. Now there is only a few minutes left of it so there’s not much more to tell. Not if I want to publish this while it’s still Tuesday. Looks like I won’t make it.

I would if I had stopped typing in time but I didn’t. Only now. Anyway I’m too distracted to finish this right now.

 

Back

I’m back. To what? To feeling ok. I had to struggle to get back to that feeling. To get away from feeling sad and depressed.

On the other hand I wrote that I would feel the way I did until I wasn’t feeling that way anymore. Well, anymore is here.

There’s new grass on the field. Well, not new grass at this time of year perhaps but maybe enough left of the old grass to support a better feeling.

This morning I woke up after sleeping rather badly again. I had some belly ache and didn’t feel like getting up, but I did and I also got myself ready to go to the bus and I finally arrived on time at the office.

New people started today too. One more body in the small room I share with one other person. Sorry to say that new person had to witness how I got into an argument with the roomie about taxi cab fares. Then I was told I don’t talk, that I only talk to myself and that I’m ridiculous and mean.

So for a few hours I felt rather upset about this. I had only wanted to help with the taxi cab fare matter but perhaps I didn’t express myself too good due to being tired from not sleeping very well.

On twitter I almost made a fool of myself and said something stupid to a friend which I still feel bad about.

Anyway the day got better later on and by the time I went home I had a better feeling in my bones.

After dinner I rested and looked for a movie to watch. Then I went to a chatroom to talk to a friend and it was a nice few hours that really made my day a lot better. In fact, I now feel so good I am almost ashamed of all the words I’ve used for the last few days to tell the world about how depressed I felt. Notice I said ‘almost’.

I’m not going to excuse my feelings or regret sharing them. At least not all the time…

So what remains of my evening, I’ll be spending watching some movie or some tv and then I’ll be going to sleep.

All is well that ends well.

Late in the evening

Been eating too much. I always do when I’m not feeling too happy about life or about myself.

Today has been such a depressing day. The weather was not too bad. Cloudy. Not the reason for feeling unhappy. In my previous update I made an effort to explain the whole issue but I probably didn’t make much sense.  Anyway, I’m not about to try making sense now. I said what was on my mind at the time.

Looking back on my weekend, it was ok. Friday was good. I had a nice time seeing a friend in a chatroom. Friday night was the night before her birthday, so it was a special occasion. Even though I almost missed the whole thing due to being asleep and not hearing my alarm. Somehow I did eventually manage to wake up and get to my computer. So Friday night and early Saturday was good. I slept a long time after all of that.

The rest of my Saturday was also rather good. I had a  visit by my nephew and his baby daughter. Spent the afternoon with them and with my mother.

In the evening I watched tv and listened to music. Probably spent some time reading tweets and looking at my Tumblr dashboard too. Went to sleep late, kind of slightly worried, then slept a really long time and woke up not really wanting to get up.  Weather was gloomy. A lot of rain. Didn’t go out for the whole day. Spent my time reading, watching movies, tweeting and listening to music.

Thought about writing something for the blog but didn’t like what I wrote. Then had a shower and washed my hair before going to sleep rather late. Had trouble falling asleep as I had too many thoughts running around in my mind.

Woke up this morning feeling not so great. Which brings me back to what I wrote earlier today so now I’m going to leave that subject behind. There’s nothing I can do to change anything anyway. What has been, has been. It’s history. I’m moving on.

Surely I understand that feeling depressed about this thing is making it into too big an issue. It all boils down to me and my reaction to things that don’t happen the way I expect them to. That’s all there is. I know I am probably better off not reacting the way I do but it’s too late, I have already reacted. I feel the way I do and I will feel that way until I stop feeling that way and start feeling something else.

Some new people started at the office today, but mostly it was business as usual over there. I spent my time reading and writing some stuff I had planned and then I went back home at the usual time.

At home after a long ride on crowded buses, I had a pizza which I heated in the oven. Then I should have stopped eating but I had some potato snacks and dip during the evening. I also drank a lot of iced tea.

Now, about a quarter to midnight, I will finish this little rant and go to sleep. I hope I will sleep better tonight. For some reason I just feel like leaving my depressed feeling behind. And all thoughts too. I hope I will.

When I return with the next update, I hope it will be something happy or at least different.