Instead of all the words in my previous post, I could have just posted this song.
I think about it a lot. The fact that my parents being gone, has taken me a step closer to my own end.
In the end, death takes us all. So I spend a lot of time thinking about the life I have lived and the life that remains ahead. I ask myself if I am happy with it, and I find the answer is that I’m not. Not happy at all.
So many years have been wasted in search for things that couldn’t be found in the places where I searched.
Such a fool was I, also, to place the blame for my failures and problems upon people around me, time and time again, when the solution has always most likely been within me.
Now, as I approach 50 years old, I have finally gotten the help I should have asked for 30 years ago or more.
I will have the answer by next summer, if all goes well. Then I will know if I indeed have the disorder I suspect to suffer from. Then, I will have the answer that will explain to me why so much have failed and why I have had such difficulty in some areas throughout my life.
Perhaps, there is a chance to use that answer to work on ways to improve the problematic areas and perhaps even find some kind of happiness.
That’s what I hope for. Before my time is up.
Sometimes when I encounter a situation where I don’t know what to do or say, I don’t do or say anything. Somehow, I think that’s the best option.
Btw, everything isn’t so bad. I actually had some fine moments last week and weekend, but most of the time I didn’t feel too good about myself. It happens sometimes.
However, I’m picking myself up from the ground again and I feel better about myself now. The way I usually feel. Only thing is that these times of feeling really bad will return. Because they always have in the past. Never know when or for how long but I know they will.
But, I have already covered that ground so this will be all for today. I had planned to write more but my internet is not working and its late and I’m kind of tired so it will have to wait until tomorrow.
Never been much of a shoe person. If I could go without shoes everyday of my life, I’d be very happy. I can’t, though. Not in the climate where I live. Also it isn’t socially accepted to walk without shoes on in most situations in our culture. So, I wear shoes because I must. In order to be accepted and in order to protect my feet from the hazards of the environment.
Now, I also have very sensitive skin so that wearing a new shoe is always bringing blisters, sores and other skin problems. Finding a new pair of shoes that feel good from the start, have always been nearly impossible. Only after wearing them for long enough to make them softer and better shaped for my feet, can I walk in them without any discomfort or pain. This means, when a pair of shoes fit and feel really good to wear, I wear that pair for as long as possible. Until the shoes are beyond worn out and should have been discarded.
That also means there can be years and years between the breaking in of new shoes which in turn probably makes it more difficult than it needs to be, if it was done more often.
Even if I don’t like wearing shoes, I still want the shoes I have to wear to look good. At least, they have to look good to me.
My everyday shoes for the last few years are a pair of really worn out L.A. Gear sport shoes. I could post a picture of them, to let you all see what I wear these days. I’m not sure many would approve of someone being seen in public with a pair of shoes like that, but on the other hand no one else has to wear them.
I used to have a few pairs of really nice walking shoes from Ecco before but they are now beyond working order. So worn out that I can’t use them even though at first glance they still look somewhat decent.
For the winter and snow season I wore mostly the same pair of winter shoes I’ve had for the last decade. They are getting near the end of their life but I hope to be able to wear them for one more winter season before I have to replace them. Also made by Ecco they have been very useful for both walking, travelling to the office and when shovelling snow.
Last but not least, I also have my Ecco sandals, which I bought in San Diego, California in 1995. They are still in very good condition and have served me well through the summer seasons since 1995. I don’t wear them a lot but, I have made use of them both in the city streets and out in the countryside.
I forgot to write about my Sunday, I didn’t only watch movies.
It was Father’s Day here and as usual I went to the church with my mother to light a candle at my father’s grave. The rest of the day I did think about him a lot and wondered if he would have been happy to know I finally finished my studies. I think he would have liked that I didn’t give it up even though it did take a lot longer than I ever thought it would. Also I was very close to giving up many times during the past ten years.
Sometimes I wish I had my father around so I could ask some questions I can’t seem to figure out the answers to myself. I miss him. I miss that he always were around and ready to lend a hand or help out with some good advice. I miss that he could always make the mood of a room better just by being in it. He was good at making other people feel good and at ease. He was almost always smiling and in a good mood. Rarely got angry but when he did he exploded. It didn’t last long though. He was good at sports. Competed in cross-country skiing and in gymnastics among other sports. Won some regional championships. Of course he was also very good at his job. He finished his pilot training in the Swedish Air Force as number one in his class out of about 50 students. Only about half of the students who had been admitted finished the course and I think a few even crashed and were killed during training so it was rather dangerous to become a pilot in those days. Later on he studied to become an air traffic controller and worked as such the rest of his time in the Air Force.
The rest of my Sunday I watched a few movies, listened to music. Had a shower, washed my hair and went to sleep rather early to ready for Monday and a new week at the office.