End of a decade

Published 12/28/2019 by MoonieZ

Hey!

What to write about my decade?

Not much.

A decade of unemployment. Depression. Thoughts about suicide. Learning I have autism. My mother passed away. I moved away from the place I called home for almost 50 years. Settled in a new home in a new town. Started over in many ways. Wasted a lot of money on a fantasy when I wanted to escape the pain and sorrow in my life . Learned I have to live through it and with it. No one can run away from it. Useless to try.

Looked for happiness in the wrong place. Anxiety. Episodes of feeling really down and out. Trying to get on with life and finding the energy to cope with everything. Sadness and longing. Wanting to return to the place I used to be in.  Crying a lot. Had a few laughs also. Here and there. Wondering when I will find a job. Have a sense of meaning. Belong to something. To contribute. Make use of my talents and knowledge. Get to use all those years of education.

Love?

A decade of one step up and two steps back. Over and over.

Over and out.

The end is near

Published 11/30/2019 by MoonieZ

The end of the year. Not the end of me.

I used to write about everything and anything for many years. Now I hardly feel like writing a word at all. Funny how one can change like that. Maybe I ought to start painting again. Haven’t touched a brush for almost 6 months. I just think some kind of expression would be good.

 

Snowy November

Published 11/09/2019 by MoonieZ

Hello!

Not much going on. The job training program I started at last month is a lot like starting over with the same thing I did two years ago. Not really motivated to do it. Only one way to go: forward. Hope it will lead to the answers I’m looking for.

The first snow has arrived. Makes the world a bit less dark but it still is hard to get used to the dark time of the year. Sun sets in the afternoon. At least it won’t last forever. Already looking forward to Spring.

Still not decided if this will be going on much longer or not. When I look back I still think I want to keep this blog just because of all the things I already posted. Other times I think of saving the content and then deleting the blog.

Not the news

Published 10/07/2019 by MoonieZ

Ok, October.

I’m looking forward to things happening this month. Maybe it will be something good at the end of it. Not sure yet. Have to wait and see.

At least the waiting is over. For now.

Not much else to report. The weather gets colder. Days are shorter. Or the amount of daylight hours. Days are the same.

I feel a bit better in some ways and worse in others. There is one thing about my health I really have to take care of but not sure how to start or how to get it done. Must figure that out soon.

How much longer I will keep updating this blog I’m not sure of. Seems I never get around to writing much. I used to love to write for so many years but lately I just can’t get myself to do it. Probably because my life is rather empty. So nothing to write about.

I used to write fiction a long time ago but I can’t say I entertain that thought much. Sometimes I have an idea for a character or a story but I don’t write it down and I forget what it was the next day.

Maybe I’ll keep this going a little while longer. At least to the end of the year.

Peace.

What

Published 08/18/2019 by MoonieZ

No idea.

These last weeks I have been thinking about a lot of things. Mainly about moving forward.

As usual when life seems to not go anywhere, I wonder what I can do to do get on with it.

Finding any answers? No.

Change can’t happen without changing. I know, but it has never been easy to know what changes have to be made. Is it thinking that has to change?

On the other hand, I am who I am. My mind works the way it always has. Only, since a few years back, I know my mind works the way it does due to autism.

Should I try to make it work like a “normal” mind instead? Do I want it to? No.

I think I can still change and do things in other ways and still be me. Including being autistic, since I can’t get away from that as it is a part of me and I don’t want to pretend.

Sure, if I could have a choice, I would rather not be autistic, as it is a disorder,  but since I can’t choose, I think it better to accept who I am and work with that rather than deny it and try to work against it.

Lately, I feel relaxed and the anxiety I have  struggled with for some years now is for the moment gone. I don’t want it to return and I hope it won’t.

No news about “work” yet and all I can do is wait. Almost all I can do.

Days sail on by very quickly and Summer is soon gone. The daylight hours will not be as many and the darkness will return. With it I think my feeling of depression might also.

This year I will do my best to not feel depressed.

 

Sunday

Published 08/11/2019 by MoonieZ

Yes, the time has come , to write. Well, type.

Nothing new. I keep thinking about the future and the past. How about the present? It passes by while I think. Mostly.

Weather has been kind of bland. I mostly see it when I look out the window.

Funny how fast the days pass by when I have nothing to do. Soon that will change. At least I hope so.

 

August 2019

Published 08/04/2019 by MoonieZ

What’s up, readers?

I know I have been away from this for a long time. Honestly, I thought about never returning. Even if I wrote in my previous post that I would be writing more for this blog project, I managed to not follow through on that promise.

Not sure why, except there is so little going on in my life, I have no idea what to write. And writing fiction does not appeal to me much. Not the way it used to decades ago.

Sometimes I do think of some story to tell, and even start to make some notes in my mind about it, but that is as far as I go with it. Since I started drawing and painting I feel like I want to express myself that way instead. Which is strange, considering writing has always been my primary way of expression and what I enjoy the most. At least I used to feel that way. Not sure what has changed. Perhaps I have just grown tired of writing about myself and my failures and my dull life. It would be better to focus on change and getting things done. As if I haven’t spent decades trying to change my life for the better. And exhausted myself trying to find happiness where it wasn’t to be found.

I’m disappointed with myself in many ways. Tired of trying to change. All I do is miss the life I can’t return to. Not much to write about on a daily basis. So, I don’t expect to be updating this blog much.

I miss some people I used to know. Finding new friends is hard and has never been easy for me. So I continue to be on the outside looking in. Just as I always have.

Mainly I spend my time watching movies, Netflix, Youtube videos and I play a few games: Red Dead Online and GTA 5 Online. Also listen to music from time to time, but less than I used to.

I’m active on Twitter and Facebook and some other apps. I go for walks sometimes.

Not much of a life but it is what it is.

Before I start repeating myself I end this here.

 

Marching to April

Published 03/29/2019 by MoonieZ

Howdy readers,

Any of you still here or is it just dust remaining?

Anyway, I’m still alive and somehow the old desire to write away my troubles and worries is starting to emerge once more. I figured it to be gone for good but I guess it dies hard.

After spending a year with paint and brushes and not getting far with it, I feel like writing again. Typing. So many things, so many feelings I’m still working through in my mind. Probably be easier if I wrote it down. Get it out of my head for good. Sort of.

So, without making any promises, there might be more coming soon.

Over and out.

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