You know how you tell yourself you won’t do something you used to do because you really shouldn’t, and then you do it again, over and over, a few miles down the road. Just when you thought you had reset your mind and got that old habit out for good. You don’t know it?
Ok, I guess it’s just me then. Anyway, I find myself doing things over and over that I thought I had passed by and let go long ago.
Not that it harms anyone but me and the image I have about myself in my mind. Still, it bothers me even as I enjoy doing what I do. The guilty feeling just won’t leave me alone. I can’t escape even though I know I’m the one creating the guilt I feel.
So, I guess this battle between me and me will keep going endlessly.
The time has come, and gone, but now I’m back to the empty page to try to fill it out with some words that may or may not make sense to anyone, including me.
Yes, this past month and a half I slipped back into a mode I thought I had put behind me for good. Not so.
I guess temptation got the better of me. Again. Doing something over and over and expecting it to turn out differently is not very clever. Doing it again while knowing it won’t, is probably even worse. Stupid.
Anyway, I guess I had to do it since I went along and did it. No way to undo it, just one thing to do and that is to stop doing it anymore. I clearly can’t handle it very well so best not to do it at all.
Might take some time for it to sink in that stopping is the only way forward and I will surely miss doing it but I have to be more sensible at this point. The chance I have now to do something that will benefit me in the long run will never return, so I can’t let it slip away by making foolish choices. Already done enough damage to myself and I’m the one who suffers from it.
Still, it didn’t hurt while it happened. Only now, when I see the damage I’ve done.
On the other hand, I had fun. I guess I must find other ways to amuse myself. I thought I had not too long ago but then things happened that made me fall back into the old ways again. The destructive ways.
Dad at 43 years old.1967
Well, Dad, 22 years has passed now without you around to help me. I never thought I would make it this far but here I am. Of course, Mom was a great help for 20 of those years, but now I’m going to have to make it on my own for the rest of my days.
You gave me a great start and I’m forever thankful for the years I got to share with you along with everything I learned from you. You are forever in my thoughts and I will always remember you and all that you did for us all – family, relatives and friends.
Today, May 15, would have been your 93rd birthday and I wanted to write this to express how much you mean to me and how much I miss you and most of all how much I love you, always.
You got to live your dream, so today I hope you take Mom with you and go for a nice flight since flying was your life.
1971. With my mother.
Yeah, I’m not dead yet.
Sorry for the long delay between posts. I haven’t been feeling like writing a lot lately.
You know how it is, you wake up one morning and you just can’t face life anymore. Been the start of many great novels. At least I think it has. If not, it ought to have been.
What I’m trying to say isn’t much so this is it.
I’m back. Not that I was ever gone but you know what I mean, even when I don’t.
So, April is upon us once again. Today I fear to be made a fool of. Not much different from every other day but I thought I would mention it anyway.
Life moves on. I have some hope for the future but also a fear of what might happen if I can’t do what I hope to do. Time will tell.
Me again. Been living in my new home for a month, tomorrow. Things are starting to settle. I’m starting to feel at home in my new town. However, I’m never going to feel as much at home here as I used to feel where I used to live. Can’t erase all those years and I doubt I’ll live here for as long. I’d have to get to be over 100 years old to do that. Not likely.
However, (there’s that word again), I might still be able to enjoy the rest of my life.
To get some kind of ok job would be nice. I still have another 15-17 years until retirement kick in. If I live to see it happen. Before that happens I would like to have worked some more. This unemployed thing is getting way old now. Not to mention I never know what the politicians will think of next to make life more miserable for the unemployed.
In the old days, politics used to be about changing society for the better. Lately it seems to be about the opposite. At least if you happen to be at the wrong end of the pyramid. Life at the top seems to be as good as always. Life at the bottom just become more unbearable for each passing year. Yet, I know that even the poor are getting less poor. At least on a global scale.
Enough of that now, I just checked in to let you readers know I’m still around and intend to keep this blog alive.
Over & out.