Still alive

Published 01/21/2018 by MoonieZ

Yes, I know. You all thought I had passed on to the great beyond. Not yet, readers, not yet.

But, I sometimes wonder if I’m living or only just alive.

*+So the start of the year hasn’t really been that great. Sure, some good moments, laughs and happy times but also a lot of worry, struggle and depressive feelings of doom and gloom.

I’m currently just spending my days waiting for messages to arrive that will inform me of whats next concerning jobs and other matters. And I’m also totally broke. Hardly got money for food. I did this to myself because I wanted to spend time with someone. I wasn’t thinking of anything else. Now, I wonder how I could go so crazy but on the other hand I regret not the hours of great fun I’ve had. Still have but not in the same way.

Though, I wouldn’t do it again in the same way. Twice is once too many times, and three times would be downright insane. I must be more responsible. So, I have a plan for this year. A simple plan through which I aim to regain control over my life and actions.

It may be disappointing and dull for some but for me its the only option left.

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2018

Published 01/04/2018 by MoonieZ

Hey readers,

the new year started.

I was going to write about the old year but I don’t really like to look back too much anymore.

However, there are some things about the old year that I should mention.

  1. My old home, the house that was built by my parents and owned by my mother until her death, was sold by me and my brothers.  So, I had to move. First I had to find out where to. After a time I did decide on a small town to the north and in February I moved. It caused a lot of stress. Anxiety. Nightmares. I honestly spent many nights crying myself to sleep because I missed my old home. I missed all that was gone.
  2.  A positive thing about moving to a small town: things aren’t so far away. I can walk to every place I need to go to. Only rarely do I need to take the bus.  And also hardly any stress. Quiet and peaceful most of the time. It has really lowered the level of stress in my life.
  3.  There was good hope of a better life during the old year. The local employment agency started me in a program to get into job training. And it all looked good for a long time but in the end nothing became of the nice plans. Starting over with other plans this year.
  4.  I made some foolish things during the old year because I thought it was the right thing to do and because I hoped it would lead to something better for me in the long run. Now I don’t know and I think I should have been a lot more sensible. All I can do is to learn from it to not repeat it again. On the other hand, while it lasted I had fun and escaped some worry, stress and anxiety. And the lonely feeling of being all alone in the world.
  5.  I got to know someone online. Someone I quickly grew to care about a lot more than I first thought. From early September to the end of the year I had such great good feelings and so much fun. And I wasn’t all alone. Still a feeling of doubt was beginning to emerge. Now I’m starting to wonder how I really feel.
  6.  Spent time with my uncle, my father’s only brother and my living link to the past on my father’s side of the family.
  7.  Continued to play a lot of games. Mostly Grand Theft Auto Online on the Xbox.
  8.  Turned 50 years old. Started to feel depressed about how little I’ve done with my life.
  9.  Learned about ways to handle my disorder during some classes I took part in.
  10.  Continue to hope to find someone to love who will love me too.

That’s all.

Christmas is upon us

Published 12/22/2017 by MoonieZ

Run! Run! If you want to live!

Ok, maybe not that bad. However, Christmas is here and with it are all the past Christmases – whether good, bad or indifferent. This will be my third Christmas without any of my parents, and it feels strange. Still.

You’d think the first one would be the worst but that one was the easiest since the idea of never seeing my parents again had not fully dawned on me yet. Oh, Mom will be here next Christmas, was the subconscious thought I had.

Last Christmas was kind of worse and this one, after having moved away from everything I’ve known and loved will be worse yet. All I can do is move on though, there is no going back.

I have almost no decorations at home, and no tree. Ever since my father passed we stopped having a Christmas tree and I will continue that tradition. Also I have no room for a tree in my small apartment.

What I do have are all the memories of the way it used to be. Lots of people, good food, presents, decorations, tree and Christmas music.

But, also how stressed out and tired my parents used to be around that time. Especially my mother who had all the cooking and baking to do from early December and all the way through Christmas. She hardly had time to rest and now when I look back I feel a bit guilty for not helping out more. On the other hand, she liked to bake and to cook and I’m sure she wouldn’t have wanted anyone else to do it.

Dad’s job was to get the tree. Usually he got it from the woods surrounding the airbase where he worked. It was a bit of a thrill to go tree hunting with him when I was a kid. He made it out to be a bit dangerous but I’m pretty sure it wasn’t at all. Just became more fun that way.

Of course Dad did other chores too around the house for Christmas but somehow I got the feeling Mom always had a lot more to do. This can be because I was usually around my mother more than my father so I probably never noticed all the things he did.

No matter what I remember or how it actually was, it’s all history now.

I just know I liked Christmas a lot better then.

Learning

Published 12/11/2017 by MoonieZ

One thing I keep learning is to not get stuck thinking about things you did that can’t be changed. Its better to move on and look ahead towards what can be changed.

However, I get stuck in thinking of the past very easily. Mostly when I feel I could have done something in a different way. At times I regret doing what I did but not very often.

The past week had me thinking a lot and also feeling lost and downhearted.

Yesterday, after a walk, I more or less broke down and felt totally without any hope about anything. I cursed myself and even started thinking I don’t know how to keep on living.

After a while I started to calm down though, and then I somehow found new strength and determination. I wrote down a few things I want to change and also a few major goals for the coming year.  When I did that, I got a message from a friend and shortly after that she was online and I went to chat. Then the rest of the day and evening I was in a good mood and had a lot of laughs.

Woke up today feeling good and thinking about what I can do to get myself moving forward towards my goals and how to make the changes that will make my life better.

I’m going to hold on to the positive thoughts and turn them into actions.

And remind myself I got through a lot of difficult times already in my life. I can do it again. Even if I will stumble sometimes along the way.

Not a clue

Published 12/09/2017 by MoonieZ

I feel like I don’t know what to do or say. I feel like what I do or say doesn’t work out as it used to. Probably because I don’t understand what to do or say.

It bothers me, and makes me anxious and nervous and sad. I try my best to stay positive and work my way through  all the negative thoughts and feelings that grab hold of me. Never wanted more to understand things and people the right way so I won’t fuck up but it feels like it’s not possible for me. I feel so lost and useless and small. All I wish is to be happy for myself and for others. When I can’t be, I feel like a big fail.

All the things happening lately has made me so weak and scared. There is someone I don’t want to lose but my inability to communicate properly is making me afraid I will.

Today, or yesterday, has been so exhausting that I hardly have any energy left. My brain is tired and thinking is slow.

I’m going to sleep on it and see what happens tomorrow. Still holding on to that positive thinking. Trying to. at least .

Chaos

Published 12/06/2017 by MoonieZ

[Started this 5 days ago. Edited and published today]

Is in my brain. Driving me nuts. I’m so confused by everything. Feel lost. Like all I do is futile.

Sometimes I wonder if everyone else is playing a game I don’t know how to play? Aren’t words meant to mean something or is it just me who believes that they always do? Am I wrong for believing it or am I missing some piece of the puzzle? How will I know?

Yes, I have trouble to identify a joke sometimes, and take it seriously when it’s not intended to be.  I don’t always detect irony or sarcasm even if it doesn’t happen a lot that I misunderstand. So, I believe that words spoken (or written)  to me are honest and true and should be taken seriously. Maybe that is where I fail?

I’m also easily confused if the meaning of what is said to me is not clear and to the point. So often do I find it impossible to figure out a vague message that it melts my brain to even try. If I can, I ask for clarification.

Some say actions speak louder than words and I find that to hold some truth. At least when the words and actions no longer match up.

Like when you say someone or something is very important to you and then you hardly make any time for them in your life. Of course there can be times when its impossible to find the time but not all the time. Not if they really do matter.

Or when you send messages but almost never have a reply of any kind. Then you can’t help but wonder why and also start to doubt if it means anything to the other person that you try to communicate with them. At least if there is no reasonable explanation given.

I often think I ought to ask why when that happens,  but I rarely do. Somehow I think that if it really mattered the other person would reply at some point.  That’s why I think asking why they don’t will probably not change anything. Except perhaps give me a reason why not.

The feeling that you might be starting to matter less to someone is hard to deal with though. Especially when it happens without any real reason. At least no reason I can think of.

Sure, I’m not perfect myself. Far from it. I make lots of mistakes and misunderstand things. All I can do is to try to learn to communicate better.

 

Bad news

Published 12/05/2017 by MoonieZ

Yesterday I woke up early from a text message informing me that the trial work I had looked so much forward to start would not happen at all.

This news broke me down. I wanted to hide in my bed, not see a single soul again. But what I really wanted was for someone to comfort me and tell me everything will be ok.

After a few hours I got myself out bed, dressed and vented a bit on Twitter before heading out for a walk before it got dark outside.

The daylight, fresh air and exercise helped a little but I was still feeling like an eternal loser. Wondering why nothing ever seems to go my way.

When I got back home I had some food and then I went on Twitter again for a while. However I felt so unhappy I soon went back to bed to try to sleep away my sadness.

It didn’t work very well. Instead I decided to go online and see a friend and that worked. After a short time talking and laughing I started feeling much better about myself and forgot about the bad news.

After all, life goes on, and all I can do is keep moving until the end.

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