Marching to April

Published 03/29/2019 by MoonieZ

Howdy readers,

Any of you still here or is it just dust remaining?

Anyway, I’m still alive and somehow the old desire to write away my troubles and worries is starting to emerge once more. I figured it to be gone for good but I guess it dies hard.

After spending a year with paint and brushes and not getting far with it, I feel like writing again. Typing. So many things, so many feelings I’m still working through in my mind. Probably be easier if I wrote it down. Get it out of my head for good. Sort of.

So, without making any promises, there might be more coming soon.

Over and out.

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January 2019

Published 01/24/2019 by MoonieZ

Hello,

I’m still alive. Not very active as a blogger anymore. The reason is not that I don’t have anything to write, I just don’t feel like doing it.

Goodbye 2018

Published 12/30/2018 by MoonieZ

Can’t wait for this year to end. Feels like it was only a giant struggle. And a lot of ups and downs. I have mostly been feeling weak and worried. Depressed. Never had this many days off for being ill in a year ever, except for the times I had problems with my legs.

Some small changes I’ve made are all that feels good. I stopped my waste of time and money at that site. My life is more lonely since then but with less drama. And less anxiety. All for the better in the long run.  I hope.

I like that I paint as part of my job training. It helps me relax and takes my mind off of some things. At least part of the time.

Life has become dull, though. I do the same things most days and time moves along but I don’t feel like I’m going anywhere.

Maybe this is it. As good as it gets.

July heat

Published 07/22/2018 by MoonieZ

Hi there, dear readers.

I’m still alive. I know it wasn’t yesterday I last posted anything here but the truth is I haven’t been feeling like writing much.

Life moves along and so does time. I feel somewhat better in some ways but in other ways I’m not feeling much good at all. That’s just the way it is.

The heat wave the last few months have really tested my endurance. Not much for too warm weather so I have had some really rough days and nights.

I wouldn’t mind a bit cooler weather now.

I paint during my hours at the “work” thing and it feels like I forget a lot of what worries me and it really reduces stress. Not sure what the future will be but all I can do is keep doing my best from day-to-day and hope things will turn out good eventually.

Still miss that person I thought I knew but I’m over the worst part of it. Got to let it be what it is. Moving on is the way to go.

What I’m really happy about is that my anxiety seems to have vanished for the time being. It was really bad at times but now its been almost two months without any sign of it.

That’s all for now.

May it be May

Published 05/11/2018 by MoonieZ

Hello!

Today was not the best day ever. Last night I got some trouble sleeping. I keep worrying about things that haven’t happened and about the future in general. Can’t stop worrying. Sometimes I keep it at bay, mostly during the days. Nights are worse. Also have a lot of very strange dreams and some scary nightmares. I’m tired of being me, living this life.  Tired of never getting anywhere. Tired of waiting for things.

I started painting. It has been fun. And it makes me stop thinking and worrying for a while. Still it can’t really change much.

Lately the weather has been great. But I feel like I have no energy. Doing things always feel too tiring. Hard to get started. Not much is fun. Wish I had someone to really talk to but have no idea who that would be.

How much longer am I supposed to walk through life all by myself?

April 2018

Published 04/08/2018 by MoonieZ

Hey readers, Its been a long time.

Been doing a lot of thinking. Not much news.

I have stopped bothering with people who only play me around. Say things they don’t really mean. That aren’t serious even if it sounds like it. People who tell me to never leave and then have no problem leaving me. From one day to the next. No more of that. Not for me.

I’ve been used and abused enough. Played the fool for the last time. Rather be alone forever  than trusting anyone again, or like.

Also, never again will I look for the things I miss in the place they can’t be found. Just because I found it once, but that was one lucky exception. I wish that one had not ended. I miss that person so much. However, I miss other people too, despite what I feel about some of what they said and did.

I can only change me. So if I want things to change I must change my ways.  And I have.

The money is lost but that’s not the end of the world. It would be wrong to say I didn’t enjoy any of it. What I regret is what I expected it would bring. Wrong to believe in words on a screen. It was a fantasy, an illusion, a dream I let myself dream because real life was too much pain and still is. I wanted to escape it. Only made a fool of myself and ended up in more pain.  Now I work on getting ahead, on making my present better. Try to stop looking back and stop beating myself up about things I can not change.

See you further on up the road.

Stupidity

Published 02/17/2018 by MoonieZ

I’ve heard that a definition of stupidity is to do the same thing over and over and expect a different outcome. If that is true, then I’m stupid. On  the other hand: the time I got to spend not feeling lonely and sad made it worth the cost. My only regret being I could have made the cost a little less by not losing my head in the process. That’s where the stupidity kicked in.

Coming back to my senses has been a pain. Trying to move on is hard. Life will never be the same again but life never is the same anyway. Always keeps changing.

Still, I wish I could turn back time and relive some incredible moments of joy. It wasn’t long ago they happened but now it feels like they never did at all. I cling to the memory of them trying to recall how it was but it keeps fading away like a dream after I wake up.

Looking forward I don’t see much more than boredom and perhaps some kind of job.

I’m not sure I’ll make it but all I can do is keep going. Trying to think positive.

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