So this is the last day of the year. Only hours remain. What have I learned?
I could say that I have learned that no matter how much I want it, it didn’t happen this year. What did I want. Same thing as the year before. And the year before that. And so it goes.
Positive thinking, you say. You have to think positive at all times!
I think how I damn well please, thank you very much. I have been thinking in many ways this year 2014. None of the ways I thought has brought me what I wanted. Not closer to it nor further away from it. Most of the time I have been in the same spot. Sometimes laughing, sometimes crying.
That’s a fact.
What have I done, then? Not enough, you say. I say, clearly all I could but it didn’t help me much. Thinking I didn’t do enough is no help either.
As I’ve said before, beating myself up over my efforts or lack thereof, isn’t going to help me one inch closer to where I wish to be.
All I can do is keep on doing. Keep living even when I don’t much want to.
So when I look back at my year what do I see?
My oldest brother’s birthday is always the start of every year. Same thing year after year. Go there, have some food and drinks and go home. Nice, but as soon as some guests start getting a bit drunk the sound level reaches the sky and things get boring. Of course this year was special because he turned 65 and went into retirement.
I was still at the office I had been at for almost three years. I was busy writing things for the internal newsletter and attending editorial staff meetings.
Actually felt like I was going somewhere but dreaded to have to stop and leave in a few months time.
My other brother – the chef and part-time drummer – turned 60 years old and none of his brothers were able to go to greet him. I felt very sad to not be there but I hope I will be there another year.
In the middle of the month, I had to start looking for a new place of “work” as the time at the office was out by the end of the month.
I didn’t want to leave but I had to, even though the whole business made me ill with stress and anxiety.
At last I found a new place that reminded me a bit of the old one but it turned to not be as good at all.
My mother’s 90th birthday is the highlight of this month. The weather was kind of bad but many relatives and friends gathered and it was a happy day.
I started at the new place and almost at once I fell ill for a few days. There was a project to work on but nothing as interesting as the newsletter at the old place. I didn’t enjoy the new office much. Somehow the days went by anyway.
Nothing special comes to mind. Probably nothing much happened.
Same. Only good thing was that Spring came fast and the weather got warm and dry and stayed that way. Also my allergy returned.
I had some time off to apply for at the Employment office and did so by the second half of the month. During the summer I “worked” at the new office only three days a week which was a blessing. I wouldn’t have lasted otherwise. Didn’t have much to do except try to research and write texts for a strange website.
Warm weather, not much rain. Days went by fast. Nothing special.
More of the same. The days off ran out and I had to go back to doing five days a week.
Out of the blue the place was shut down from one day to the next so by the end of the month I had to start looking for a new place to be. After a week or two I found one and started there in October. More stress I didn’t need. Oh, and in the middle of all this I celebrated my 47th birthday.
At first the new place seemed different from the other two. An office like any other but at this place, everyone worked on the same thing: making digital copies of old photographs and other documents to help preserve them and make them easier to access for research and such. First I had to start learning how to do this work and how to use the software for photo editing. I thought it was fun for a few weeks but then I noticed that there wasn’t much real work to do and that those already doing such work were often just waiting for new projects to work on. Also I started to miss being able to write and do research. I started to think about changing to yet another place but decided to wait and see if the newly elected parliament would perhaps put an end to all of these pointless unemployment programs and suggest something new and better instead.
Started to feel more unhappy than ever. Depressed and tired. Fed up. Not a happy month. The short hours of daylight and the darkness didn’t help matters.
I try to hold on and get through the darkest times of the winter and look forward to some days off around Christmas and New Year. Feel less good about myself, my health and my life than ever. No energy left and nothing to look forward to in terms of work or any other matter. More of the same.
Still as the new year approaches I start to get some ideas of things to do to try once more to change my life for the better.