Not much to write about this year.
It was mostly about waiting for things to happen.
And a struggle – at times – to maintain my mental health.
I have little hope for 2022 but if it turns out even slightly better , I will be OK.
Not sure why I keep adding to this blog but it seems I can’t let go of it.
Stay safe and fwiw :
Happy New Year!
Can’t wait for this year to end. Feels like it was only a giant struggle. And a lot of ups and downs. I have mostly been feeling weak and worried. Depressed. Never had this many days off for being ill in a year ever, except for the times I had problems with my legs.
Some small changes I’ve made are all that feels good. I stopped my waste of time and money at that site. My life is more lonely since then but with less drama. And less anxiety. All for the better in the long run. I hope.
I like that I paint as part of my job training. It helps me relax and takes my mind off of some things. At least part of the time.
Life has become dull, though. I do the same things most days and time moves along but I don’t feel like I’m going anywhere.
Maybe this is it. As good as it gets.
Hey readers,
the new year started.
I was going to write about the old year but I don’t really like to look back too much anymore.
However, there are some things about the old year that I should mention.
That’s all.
Hardly a week old, the new year has already seen terrible acts of violent terror. Adding to the wars and violent conflicts already raging in the world.
I had some hope for a better tomorrow at the end of last year but now, I’m no longer sure there’s much to hope for.
Humanity seems to be turning towards its worst in many cases and an end to this is not in sight.
However, I still have to remember that most people, the vast majority, is not taking part in any kind of war, conflict, violence, killing or terror. People in general prefer to live in peace, not matter where and/or who they are.
The answer to hate, terror and violence can’t be more of the same. The answer must be tolerance, democracy, freedom and peace.
As a writer of words and thinker of thoughts, my only answer to attacks against free speech and freedom of the press must be to keep writing and keep thinking. If I stop and fall silent, the terror has won.
To defend the freedom of speech and the freedom of the press does not mean I have to like or agree with everything or anything that is being said or published. I think this goes without saying, but in these times it seems it needs to be spelled out.
Peace.
So this is the last day of the year. Only hours remain. What have I learned?
I could say that I have learned that no matter how much I want it, it didn’t happen this year. What did I want. Same thing as the year before. And the year before that. And so it goes.
Positive thinking, you say. You have to think positive at all times!
Negative!
I think how I damn well please, thank you very much. I have been thinking in many ways this year 2014. None of the ways I thought has brought me what I wanted. Not closer to it nor further away from it. Most of the time I have been in the same spot. Sometimes laughing, sometimes crying.
That’s a fact.
What have I done, then? Not enough, you say. I say, clearly all I could but it didn’t help me much. Thinking I didn’t do enough is no help either.
As I’ve said before, beating myself up over my efforts or lack thereof, isn’t going to help me one inch closer to where I wish to be.
All I can do is keep on doing. Keep living even when I don’t much want to.
So when I look back at my year what do I see?
January
My oldest brother’s birthday is always the start of every year. Same thing year after year. Go there, have some food and drinks and go home. Nice, but as soon as some guests start getting a bit drunk the sound level reaches the sky and things get boring. Of course this year was special because he turned 65 and went into retirement.
I was still at the office I had been at for almost three years. I was busy writing things for the internal newsletter and attending editorial staff meetings.
Actually felt like I was going somewhere but dreaded to have to stop and leave in a few months time.
February
My other brother – the chef and part-time drummer – turned 60 years old and none of his brothers were able to go to greet him. I felt very sad to not be there but I hope I will be there another year.
In the middle of the month, I had to start looking for a new place of “work” as the time at the office was out by the end of the month.
I didn’t want to leave but I had to, even though the whole business made me ill with stress and anxiety.
At last I found a new place that reminded me a bit of the old one but it turned to not be as good at all.
March
My mother’s 90th birthday is the highlight of this month. The weather was kind of bad but many relatives and friends gathered and it was a happy day.
I started at the new place and almost at once I fell ill for a few days. There was a project to work on but nothing as interesting as the newsletter at the old place. I didn’t enjoy the new office much. Somehow the days went by anyway.
April
Nothing special comes to mind. Probably nothing much happened.
May
Same. Only good thing was that Spring came fast and the weather got warm and dry and stayed that way. Also my allergy returned.
June
I had some time off to apply for at the Employment office and did so by the second half of the month. During the summer I “worked” at the new office only three days a week which was a blessing. I wouldn’t have lasted otherwise. Didn’t have much to do except try to research and write texts for a strange website.
July
Warm weather, not much rain. Days went by fast. Nothing special.
August
More of the same. The days off ran out and I had to go back to doing five days a week.
September
Out of the blue the place was shut down from one day to the next so by the end of the month I had to start looking for a new place to be. After a week or two I found one and started there in October. More stress I didn’t need. Oh, and in the middle of all this I celebrated my 47th birthday.
October
At first the new place seemed different from the other two. An office like any other but at this place, everyone worked on the same thing: making digital copies of old photographs and other documents to help preserve them and make them easier to access for research and such. First I had to start learning how to do this work and how to use the software for photo editing. I thought it was fun for a few weeks but then I noticed that there wasn’t much real work to do and that those already doing such work were often just waiting for new projects to work on. Also I started to miss being able to write and do research. I started to think about changing to yet another place but decided to wait and see if the newly elected parliament would perhaps put an end to all of these pointless unemployment programs and suggest something new and better instead.
November
Started to feel more unhappy than ever. Depressed and tired. Fed up. Not a happy month. The short hours of daylight and the darkness didn’t help matters.
December
I try to hold on and get through the darkest times of the winter and look forward to some days off around Christmas and New Year. Feel less good about myself, my health and my life than ever. No energy left and nothing to look forward to in terms of work or any other matter. More of the same.
Still as the new year approaches I start to get some ideas of things to do to try once more to change my life for the better.
Howdy!
I survived the new years and Christmas. Not that I thought I wouldn’t but even if it was mostly a nice jolly time, it also had some moments of not-so-much-fun. As always when it comes to family gatherings, old unsolved issues seem to have to pop up and ruin the mood from time to time . Someone always seems to have to remind someone else of something negative that happened in the past and can’t be changed no matter how many times it gets mentioned again.
Anyway, I’m not here to dwell on that or the past year. I have a new year ahead of me and I will work my way forward instead of backwards. The holidays gave me time to sleep more but also to think about where I am and where I should be going next. Also some things dawned on me about some parts of my life and experiences I’ve had.
I have decided to move on in slightly new directions and also learned some new truths about myself. Now is not the time to discuss the details but I will certainly return to this topic when the time is right. My outlook on something has changed, is all I’m ready to say right now. Something I thought was a very important thing has become somewhat less important or rather it is now important in a different way. Maybe it is just a matter of a different perspective.
Life is moving on. Things are back to normal again and I am starting to get back to my usual daily routines.
I feel sort of happy and yet not in a strange kind of way.
Hello, ladies and gents!
Let me start by thanking you all for coming here this evening. I’m sure you’d have more fun elsewhere on a New Year’s Eve but that’s probably because I am stuck at home watching the fireworks and feeling sorry for myself. An easy thing to do.
Now, I know I posted already about my year 2013, and from it you might think it was all sad, bad and depressing. Not so, or at least, not only so.
However, I’m leaving it behind – both good and bad – and look forward to what 2014 will bring. As of yet I have no idea but I hope and wish to be able to make it a better year than this one. With some luck I might.
Resolution? Not for you to know. Sorry, but if I tell you, you’d die laughing.
So cheers and Happy New Year wishes to all! Family, friends and readers! Without you I’d be nothing.
End of message.
Yep, boys and girls, you did read that one right.
No sense in any false optimism. This year has pretty much gone by and been a total waste of time.
I started it being unemployed and poor and in pain. I end it mostly the same. No job, no money but with a lot less pain. Only good thing about it. My stomach isn’t giving me as much pain as it did at the start of the year.
During the year I have applied for hundreds of jobs, not even getting in for an interview for any of them. Of course I’ve spent hours and even days going over what I’m doing wrong, what can be improved and I have changed things around, tried new ways to express myself in my applications. Also looked at more types of work to see if that will help. Still no results to show but I keep on working on it.
At the office I’m now down to my last weeks of my stay there. I have to find another place to be at, because those are the rules of the unemployment game that have been set by our present administration. They believe in putting all the pressure of resolving unemployment on each individual and making it a simple case of it being only a matter of trying hard enough and it will be solved. Instead I prefer to think of unemployment as problem for the whole society to solve at the level of policy rather than at the level of each individual. However, what I think is not relevant. All I can do is follow the rules and keep working on not being out of work.
For the last few months I have been involved in the new office newsletter and have contributed a few texts about cinema related topics. It has been a really fun experience and I’m sad it will soon end. My blog project has not made a lot of progress but I have lots of unfinished texts still around for it.
The most important result from my three years the office has been that I was able to finally finish my degree at the university. It only took 12 years longer than I had planned, but it doesn’t matter now that I have it. And I didn’t work toward it during most of these 12 years. I gave it up for a long time and without the help from the staff at the office I would never have got it done. But all of that happened in the first year. The second year was kind of a downhill ride into unfocused “work” and then all the stomach pains that stopped me from a lot of things I could have been doing better. This third year started kind of dark and negative but through the summer I managed to find a new focus and motivate myself to get back into the game again. Then the newsletter project came along and I jumped on it.
Now I have to start the new year with finding a new place to be before my time at the office is up. I have no idea what will be available but I wish to find a place where I’ll have some control over what I’ll be doing and which will be suitable for developing the knowledge and skills I have so that I can use it to find a job.
Still, to have few days “off” for Christmas and New Years is very good for me. I feel the need to relax and find some new energy in order to get back on track for the new year and all the changes happening.
A really good thing during this year is all my friends from the internet. Don’t think I would be as strong without people to talk to and care about. Also my family and relatives have been there most of the time.
Music and movies and some television have provided distraction, entertainment but also ideas and renewed motivation to keep on going.
Good food has kept me alive and sometimes made life a little easier to live.
But, still the bottom line is that this year is another year wasted for me. Another year on the sidelines waiting to get back into the game. One more year on hold while everything and everybody rush on by leaving me behind.
Poverty is now a reality. Yes, I’m poor. I survive but that’s all I do. I have a budget for every month, I stick to it. What little room for anything extra there is, I use to take my mind away from my situation at times. No, I’m not taking drugs, I don’t smoke, I never touch alcohol and I don’t gamble. But I do what I do keep myself going.
So, that’s that.
Last month of the year. Not much remains of 2013. What is there to say about this year of my life? Not a lot. Unless something happens during these last days. Been a year very much like the previous year. A lot of struggle and very little to show for it. Perhaps a new strategy is what I need for the new year. A new approach to the same old troubles. Just might help.
No snow on the ground yet in this part of the country. I hope it stays that way into the new year. Last winter almost killed me from all the snow I had to shovel. Not to mention the snow and cold killed a lot of the plants and trees in the garden, or at least damaged them.
I wish for a mild winter. Maybe some light snow at Christmas but only for a few days. Enough to have a white Christmas.
Edie Brickell & The New Bohemians – Air of December (from the album Shooting Rubberbands at the Stars, 1988)
SwedishMoon 