Pain

All posts tagged Pain

Struggle

Published 08/16/2016 by MoonieZ

Yeah, I’m back.

Once again, I’m here to tell you my life is a struggle. Nothing new. Same old story. Yes.

I know you think I  ought to stop talking about how my life is a struggle and start changing it instead.

And I agree. If only it wasn’t true that I have been trying to change it for decades. No luck.

Have I then lost the right to  write about the struggle my life is? No.

I do as I damn well please, and then I’ll sell it to the Japanese – so I can lead a good life.

Not that it is all bad to be me at all, but sometimes it sucks too much.

This past week has been very rough but I have survived. Not without a lot of pain and suffering but nonetheless here I am. Back to torment you with pointless posts like this one right here. Go and be a waiter in there!

So this week I plan to make some progress and get some fresh air into this dungeon of mine. About bloody time. Of course it could be just another false promise of mine but you’ll never know unless you stay tuned to this here blog. In fact, you might know more if you don’t stay tuned to this here blog but don’t mention it.

Plans? I’ve got lots of plans. Plans are cheap. They sell for a lot less than they cost to produce. Should be impossible but there is no end to the waste of plans around here.

Where am I going with this? Bet you’d like to know but I’m not yelling you. I’m not yelling at all. Not telling. I whisper your name in the quiet of the midnight hour. Or not. Hard to tell when I can’t hear what it is.

Lost.

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Confusion is the new clarity

Published 04/27/2014 by MoonieZ

I had a really bad night for some reason. Couldn’t sleep. Pains  here and there. Feeling mostly like crying or having a panic attack. Then at some point, I must have fallen asleep because in the morning I didn’t want to wake up or even get out of bed.

The rest of my day has been a lot better though. It seems I had to have that strange night to clear some things out of my system. Clear is not exactly right. For the time being it seems to have moved away to some dark corner of my brain.

Anyway, Spring is here. This weekend has been great in terms of weather. Only regret is that time moves too quickly when I’m off. Little time to do what I need to do. On the other hand I mostly want to sleep when I’m off (as in not having to go to the office place to waste my time at pointless stuff), so I usually wake up late.

Got some things done and still have a lot more to do.

Job search goes on without results. I always think about ways to improve it but nothing I try has helped so far. The problem is time. When I have such a long time of unemployment, finding ways to bridge the gap in the C V  is not easy. I’m thinking of a career in politics. Seems there isn’t too much skill required and if I manage to climb the ladder a bit the pay seems to be rather good.

A problem is I could probably never stick to the party line. I am not a member of any party because I object to some of  – or all of  – the ideas of every party in Sweden. The ones close to my view still have at least 20% opinions I don’t agree with.  But I guess there is always room for compromise.

Not sure my nerves could handle the pressures of being in the public eye though. I have never liked to be the center of attention. May sound like a contradiction considering my activity in social media but really, I don’t like attention to my person. My words, my writing is another matter. If I could be a politician in writing only, then maybe I’d go for it.

While I’m in fantasy land I might as well tell a story. Only problem is I have forgotten what it was.

So, I’m off.

Happy Sunday!

My 2013: another wasted year

Published 12/28/2013 by MoonieZ

Yep, boys and girls, you did read that one right.

No sense in any false optimism. This year has pretty much gone by and been a total waste of time.

I started it being unemployed and poor and in pain. I end it mostly the same. No job, no money but with a lot less pain. Only good thing about it. My stomach isn’t giving me as much pain as it did at the start of the year.

During the year I have applied for hundreds of jobs, not even getting in for an interview for any of them. Of course I’ve spent hours and even days going over what I’m doing wrong, what can be improved and I have changed things around, tried new ways to express myself in my applications. Also looked at more types of work to see if that will help. Still no results to show but I keep on working on it.

At the office I’m now down to my last weeks of my stay there. I have to find another place to be at, because those are the rules of the unemployment game that have been set by our present administration. They believe in putting all the pressure of resolving unemployment on each individual and making it a simple case of it being only a matter of trying hard enough and it will be solved. Instead I prefer to think of unemployment as problem for the whole society to solve at the level of policy rather than at the level of each individual. However, what I think is not relevant. All I can do is follow the rules and keep working on not being out of work.

For the last few months I have been involved in the new office newsletter and have contributed  a few texts about cinema related topics. It has been a really fun experience and I’m sad it will soon end. My blog project has not made a lot of progress but I have lots of unfinished texts still around for it.

The most important result from my three years the office has been that I was able to finally finish my degree at the university. It only took 12 years longer than I had planned, but it doesn’t matter now that I have it. And I didn’t work toward it during most of these 12 years. I gave it up for a long time and without the help from the staff at the office I would never have got it done. But all of that happened in the first year. The second year was kind of a downhill ride into unfocused “work” and then all the stomach pains that stopped me from a lot of things I could have been doing better.  This third year started kind of dark and negative but through the summer I managed to find a new focus and motivate myself to get back into the game again. Then the newsletter project came along and I jumped on it.

Now I have to start the new year with finding a new place to be before my time at the office is up. I have no idea what will be available but I wish to find a place where I’ll have some control over what I’ll be doing and which will be suitable for developing the knowledge and skills I have so that I can use it to find a job.

Still, to have few days “off” for Christmas and New Years is very good for me. I feel the need to relax and find some new energy in order to get back on track for the new year and all the changes happening.

A really good thing during this year is all my friends from the internet. Don’t think I would be as strong without people to talk to and care about. Also my family and relatives have been there most of the time.

Music and movies and some television have provided distraction, entertainment but also ideas and renewed motivation to keep on going.

Good food has kept me alive and sometimes made life a little easier to live.

But, still the bottom line is that this year is another year wasted for me. Another year on the sidelines waiting to get back into the game. One more year on hold while everything and everybody rush on by leaving me behind.

Poverty is now a reality. Yes, I’m poor. I survive but that’s all I do. I have a budget for every month, I stick to it. What little room for anything extra there is, I use to take my mind away from my situation at times. No, I’m not taking drugs, I don’t smoke, I never touch alcohol and I don’t gamble. But I do what I do keep myself going.

So, that’s that.

 

Back to normal

Published 01/03/2013 by MoonieZ

First day at the office after a nice holiday feels like I’ve never been away.
I woke up tired from not having slept very well, but as soon as I hit the fresh air I started to feel awake.
The commuter journey was the same as usual. I spent the time thinking of things to do today.
Luckily the pain I felt yesterday isn’t as bad today. I hope it stays that way.

Back to business

Published 09/03/2012 by MoonieZ

 

Ok, I didn’t die. I just had a few days of really bad pain. However it goes away eventually and I’m back to my normal self again.

Only downside to this experience, was that I could not fully enjoy my brother the chef’s brief visit to my town this weekend.

I was not in my best mood and it was hard for me to help out because I was weak from having been in pain and felt ill for more than two days.

Still, I got to enjoy his cooking yesterday, when he cooked most of the dinner we had together with my oldest brother and his wife and our  mother.

Mom made an apple pie from homegrown apples that was a simply delicious end to a very fine meal.

Our uncle and one of my cousins also visited briefly on Sunday to say hello to my brother and have the book about the life and times of Kal P Dal signed by my brother for a friend of theirs who is a big fan.

Sunday was a busy day, even if it was mostly also a very nice day.

Saturday was the day my brother arrived, as I have already reported in my previous post. It wasn’t a great day. I was rather cranky from the pain and didn’t have enough energy to be a good host. Mostly I wanted to rest and relax but  as I had guests I could not rest as much as I needed.

There were  some stress and arguments as a result of this but luckily the day passed rather quickly and ended in a good way.

On Friday the weather was really bad and I mostly rested and had a lot of pain from early morning to late at night. I was ready to go see the doctor but in the end I didn’t see myself sitting in an emergency room all of Friday afternoon waiting to be examined and then sent home with some pills or something. As that is what always happened before when I’ve seen a doctor about something.

After having these pains come and go for some time now, I’ve learned that they go away and that they don’t get worse even if the level of pain sometimes is very hard to handle. I would be more worried if the pain kept growing stronger and/or never ended.

The strange thing is that I’ve become so used to being in pain during parts of my day that I’m almost surprised when I don’t feel it. Almost to the point that I ask myself what’s wrong, I can’t feel any pain right now?

It all started on Thursday when I was helping my mother with her visit to the doctor in preparation for her eye surgery. That afternoon and night were really bad in terms of pain.

But enough about this now. This post was supposed to be about my weekend and not about pain and suffering.

What more is there to report? Well I saw some friends online this weekend and it was all good because it helped me find my good mood and made me feel a lot better about everything. The same goes for my friends on Twitter.

I would probably survive without the online world but my life would be a lot more dull.

 

 

In times of trouble and misery

Published 08/31/2012 by MoonieZ

 

Not having the best of days. Today I’m at home, due to not feeling well. I have stomach pains that started yesterday and only kept me annoyed through the  evening and night. Woke up feeling sick and having the same pain, so I had no choice but to call in sick to the office where I spend my days as a part of a government program for the unemployed.  First time in two years I’ve had to stay at home due to illness. I’m mostly not ill, even if I have had my share of health problems over the years.

It was the same for most of the years when I had a job. I was very rarely forced to stay at home due to illness. Until the problems with my legs hit me in the spring of 2001. Then  some bad years followed, but since the spring of 2006 I’ve been back to being ill only for a few days a year at the most. At least I’ve not had to stay at home due to illness more than that but I’ve certainly felt unwell a lot more often without being really ill.

I missed out on seeing friends online both last night and today and that has not helped me to feel better. Neither does the weather. Only rain and clouds today. Supposed to rain all day and evening, not ending until tomorrow.

Some might say it’s a perfect time to be ill when there’s nothing to do but stay indoors anyway. I disagree. If I was feeling all ok I would be busy getting ready for my brother arriving to visit tomorrow. Now I don’t even know if I’ll be well enough to enjoy that as much I would like.

Still, at times like these, it’s good to remember it isn’t the end of the world even if it feels like it at the moment.

During this week I have spent some evenings watching the three Jason Bourne movies starring Matt Damon. I liked them all and found the story thrilling all the way to the end.

Yesterday morning I helped my mother go to the doctor to have her eyes examined and operations scheduled. Turned out my mother has lost almost half of her eyesight so having surgery to restore some of that will certainly be helpful.

Later we did some grocery shopping but by then I was in so much pain that I almost threw up when I had returned home.

I know, I ought to see a doctor but I’m still thinking this will go away by itself. It has done so before but only to return. Then go away again.

Then there’s the feeling of already having too many problems to deal with that sort of stops me from getting the energy to take on one more. Probably makes no sense but it makes sense to me. I have walked enough miles in my shoes to know.

 

 

Oh, look…Thursday

Published 08/16/2012 by MoonieZ

Hey hi hello!

I’m back. Bet you didn’t see that one coming…

Haven’t got much news to share but my mood is good so I thought why not write something here. Been a few days. People might start to forget this blog soon. When there are no updates.

I always say I will update more often, but I never do. It seems I do it when I feel like it and not when I ought to. Take it or leave it, that’s how I roll.

Most of this week I’ve been writing and doing other important stuff at the office. Right, if only it mattered, but it matters to me that I manage to be productive.  Makes me feel less useless.

I have watched some movies but none that I found good enough to write a lot about here. I will mention that I liked Wall Street – Money Never Sleeps though. As I am a fan of Oliver Stone ever since learning he wrote the script for Scarface and Year of the Dragon among other movies and ever since he wrote and directed Salvador, I keep trying to watch all of his movies even though the new ones have not been among his best efforts (in my opinion).

Have also been trying to get more sleep, which has not always been easy.

When the sun hits my bedroom in the morning it gets too warm to sleep and the light  does not help.  However , this will soon change as the days get shorter and the weather cools off.

Have had a return of my stomach pain this week. Last weekend I had no problems at all so I thought it would continue the same way. I still haven’t seen a doctor about it but I know I ought to.  Just have to overcome my irrational fear of hospitals and waiting in crowded emergency rooms. Done that too often to want to go through with it again.

Seems I’m starting to sound a tad negative, so I better get myself back on the positive side of the fence or simply end this text right here. What will it be?

The end.

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