supposedly ordinary observations of a sane mind

All posts in the supposedly ordinary observations of a sane mind category

“Getting Kinda Old (Being Young At Heart)”

Published 07/06/2014 by MoonieZ

John Eddie – Getting Kinda Old (Being Young At Heart)

Time to grow up, perhaps. I have been feeling the same way lately. I always think of myself being young at heart but lately it has become kind of old. Somewhere along the line I stopped growing up. I think it was about the time when my father died, which will be twenty years ago next year, and since then I’ve been kind of stuck around 30 years old. I was 27 at the time. I even think I regressed a little in the years following. Not right away but after I started at the university I most certainly did. Then I never seemed to get on with my life again. I struggled but I couldn’t find my way in the world. Actually, I mostly turned away from the world. Still have some kind of void inside, some darkness, some sorrow I can’t seem to overcome. However, to the people around me, I hide it, or at least I avoid to mention it. I carry my pain alone, because I think others are suffering more and to still be sad about it almost 20 years down the road is a bit silly in my book, even though I would never think so about others’ pain or sorrow.

One more thing, a few weeks ago I took a not too serious test on Facebook to find out my mental age and the result was: 33 which made me stop and think that there is some truth to the test even though it was only for fun.

Anyway I happened to listen to this song the other night waiting for the football (soccer) game to start on television and all of the feelings and thoughts started pouring out. So I decided to write something about it and put this song on my blog.

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Man in the mirror

Published 02/21/2013 by MoonieZ

Sorry, no pictures.

I have a feeling the headline might draw you in to read this. Don’t be alarmed if it seems random. That’s how most of my thinking works. If thinking is the right word for what goes on in my brain. Maybe sometimes.

Anyway, this update was born out of the horrific experience I had a few days ago when I looked at myself in the mirror and noticed a big blob with a head attached. This blob also had arms and legs. It looked human. Sort of. It looked like a man. Maybe. It looked like me. A  lot like me.

Could this be me? I mean, I know I’m 45 years old. I know I eat a lot of things I shouldn’t be eating. I also eat a lot. But seriously, I had no idea it was this bad.

Before you start saying I can do something about it instead of crying about it on my blog, let me tell you that doing something about it isn’t the point of this text that you’re reading right now. Ok?

So, let’s move on. There I was, looking at myself looking at me and not liking what I saw. Still, I knew I was looking at the result of decades of self-loathing and lack of confidence.  Decades of trying to satisfy the need for human interaction, intimacy and love with excessive amounts of all kinds of food and beverage. Without success. The only thing gained has been weight and more loathing.

At times I managed to break the circle just to fall back into it again after a certain amount of time. Old bad habits die hard.

What I’m trying to say is that even though my appearance in the mirror is a result of eating a lot of food, the process has never been about food or eating in itself but about trying to satisfy a lack of other things in life.

Solution: satisfy the feelings by finding humans to interact with, form friendships, perhaps someday find some love and intimacy somewhere out there.  Until then, eat less and more healthy if possible.

Not rocket science but sometimes not so easy to do just because it seems simple enough.

Anyway, I’m done.  I can’t remember what else I wanted to share about this experience as I forgot to write down the thoughts flying through my brain at the time.

Nope, I’m not getting into any negativity here.  Simply being honest about things. Still have the positive in mind.

Later.

Dwell no more

Published 01/21/2013 by MoonieZ

Every day, I seem to return to the past, to the time that has been. The time that will never return, no matter how long I think about it.

Why do I do this?

Is it because the present and the future seems scary or less promising than the happy days of old times long gone? Probably.

Yet, I know that getting stuck in trying to stay in the past is a sure way to destruction. The logical, sensible part of my mind tells me this but I decide to ignore it, time and time again. Instead, I listen to the call of the memories and follow them back to the times when life was so much better than it will ever be again. Or so I keep telling myself while I walk down memory lane and look into the same old windows, at the same old comfy scenes of  happiness, peace, security and love.

Sure, this is a very powerful torture of the soul at the same time as it brings some escape from the worries of the present and the uncertainty of what will be tomorrow or next week or next year.

Almost anything can trigger my escape to the past: some scent, a sound, an image, a film, a melody, some lyrics, voices, a comic strip, a taste….the list is endless.  Maybe it all has to do with me having too much time to think?

If I kept myself more busy doing stuff, I wouldn’t have time to long for the past. Not that I don’t try to keep busy, thoughts of the past invade my mind at any time anyway. There’s no escape from escapism. Or so it seems.

 

“White trash”

Published 11/04/2012 by MoonieZ

In my country – Sweden – the expression “white trash” is now being commonly used by some, to label people who are perceived to be poor, unemployed, uneducated and morally challenged.

I’m sure some people who don’t know me might consider me to be “white trash” since I’ve been unemployed for a long time and have a poor financial situation.

To me it seems that the need for some people to look down on others as a way to distance themselves is born out of fear in a society where inequality is growing and more and more people risk falling through the widening cracks in the social safety net due to unemployment and/or illness.

This trend worries me a lot but I’m not sure it can be turned around before it gets even worse.

 

All that

Published 08/06/2012 by MoonieZ

 

All that I wanted, hoped, wished, dreamed.

At some moments I stop to think about what I got. And about what I didn’t get. What I haven’t got. What I will never have.

True, I don’t know what will be. I can’t turn back time and change the past. All there is, is the here and now. For better or worse.

Still, when I happen to see what could be and know what could have been, I can’t help to wonder why it didn’t happen. Why it can’t be. What it could be instead. What can be if what I want can’t be? Can I accept what there is and not feel like what there isn’t is always better? Be happy in the here and now with the way it is – why does it seem more and more like a challenge I do not want?

Probably because I have no – or very few – options. I have to be where I’m at because that’s all there is.

I do my best to see a way to get to where I want to be but that road is a long and winding one at best and at worst no road at all.

Holding my head high is not always easy or even possible. Still, I feel no shame when I don’t. I feel no shame to want what I can’t have or wish things would change to make the impossible option possible. I dare to dream the impossible dream. Still. It keeps me going. That little dream. Against reason.

What if I stopped. Can’t. If I let the dream go, I will have nothing. Perhaps I have nothing now but without the dream of something, I will truly have nothing at all.

My life is the way it is. Serves me not to look at life around me and wish it was mine when it isn’t. Wishes are only wishes. What’s real is what counts.

I’ve never known any other life than the life I have. The loner’s life. For a long time I convinced myself it was as good a life as any. Not sure anymore. I wish the years I have behind me would have been years I had shared with someone.

Sure I have experiences shared by others but not with anyone really close. That special one that I can’t seem to find. All I think of lately is time running out. Time having run out. While I’m still in the same spot and looking at time running. Wishing I could run along with it. Or rather wanting to stop it so there’ll still be time left for me to find what I’m still looking for.

NO. All is a mess. Better to leave it alone.

 

 

Living in the real world

Published 06/28/2012 by MoonieZ

Not always easy. So much more fun to indulge in illusions and fantasy. Escape into dreams of things that will never be. I’ve spent a lot of my time chasing dreams and living in a fantasy. Even when the real world came stomping in I didn’t give up my effort to hold on to the fantasy against all reason.  Sometimes the reality and the dream seemed to be one and the same. Those were happy times. The impossible seemed not only possible but within reach. Had I only reached out long enough. I didn’t. At the same moment as the dream could have become real , I backed away from it. Why? I got scared it wouldn’t be what I dreamed and most of all that I wouldn’t be like I was in my dreams. In the light of reality, I didn’t like who I saw when I looked in the mirror. So, I discarded myself from being good enough to deserve a chance to see a dream become real. It was safe to dream as long as the dream remained a dream. Then I had control. Control is the key word. In the real world, I had to give up all control  and let things be what they may. For better or worse.

Things I don’t understand, part 1

Published 06/15/2012 by MoonieZ

Some things I see in the world around me that I don’t understand.

Heard some teenage boys talking on the bus while I was going to the office this morning. They were bragging about not having done all the schoolwork they were supposed to and still getting grades for it because the teacher had trusted them to have done it all.  To me that’s nothing to brag about. I’d be ashamed, but the times they are a-changing  it seems .

I thought of some recent news I had read about the state of the Swedish education system. Students are given higher grades on average but they are learning less. This is a problem. The grades are no longer reflecting what you have actually learned but rather how popular the school is that you have attended. All of this has happened after the reformation of the education system in Sweden that made it possible for students to freely choose which school to enroll in  and not automatically be placed in the one closest to where they  live.

This leads to a competition between schools in order to attract as many students as possible because each student means more income for the school in the form of government funding, i.e. tax money. One way to compete is to promise high grades.  It also means that those students who don’t make a choice of school have to make do with schools that have fewer resources and where most students would in fact benefit from more resources in order to get the education they need. At those schools grades are lower on average  but students are still learning less.

Also, I’m wondering if the arrival of all this new information technology is somewhat to blame for the state of education. It seems owning and using a “smartphone”  in some cases somehow translates into a “dumb user”.

“I have all the knowledge in the world at my fingertips, so why bother to learn any of  it, as  in load it into my brain, when all I need to do is punch in a web link and look up a page whenever I need to know something.”  Well, how will you know if the  information you find is accurate if you have not learned enough to be able to evaluate it?

I believe there are no short cuts to learning even if many seems to be looking for all kinds of ways to avoid doing the hard work in order to reach the result. Of course sitting down, reading page after page of boring textbooks is a pain sometimes but I think it’s still the way to learning. Not the only way but a road that still has to be travelled in order to reach the final destination.

Another thing,  not related to the above, but still maybe a sign of the times. In a  Swedish online newspaper today I read about a homeless guy in Texas who had found some money some time ago and now been granted the right to keep them since no other person had been found to claim them. The comments online to this news from people in Sweden were sad to read. Many were not able to simply rejoice in a fellow human beings good fortune. Instead there were many jealous  and degrading comments made.

 

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