supposedly ordinary observations of a sane mind

All posts in the supposedly ordinary observations of a sane mind category

Marching to April

Published 03/29/2019 by MoonieZ

Howdy readers,

Any of you still here or is it just dust remaining?

Anyway, I’m still alive and somehow the old desire to write away my troubles and worries is starting to emerge once more. I figured it to be gone for good but I guess it dies hard.

After spending a year with paint and brushes and not getting far with it, I feel like writing again. Typing. So many things, so many feelings I’m still working through in my mind. Probably be easier if I wrote it down. Get it out of my head for good. Sort of.

So, without making any promises, there might be more coming soon.

Over and out.

“Getting Kinda Old (Being Young At Heart)”

Published 07/06/2014 by MoonieZ

John Eddie – Getting Kinda Old (Being Young At Heart)

Time to grow up, perhaps. I have been feeling the same way lately. I always think of myself being young at heart but lately it has become kind of old. Somewhere along the line I stopped growing up. I think it was about the time when my father died, which will be twenty years ago next year, and since then I’ve been kind of stuck around 30 years old. I was 27 at the time. I even think I regressed a little in the years following. Not right away but after I started at the university I most certainly did. Then I never seemed to get on with my life again. I struggled but I couldn’t find my way in the world. Actually, I mostly turned away from the world. Still have some kind of void inside, some darkness, some sorrow I can’t seem to overcome. However, to the people around me, I hide it, or at least I avoid to mention it. I carry my pain alone, because I think others are suffering more and to still be sad about it almost 20 years down the road is a bit silly in my book, even though I would never think so about others’ pain or sorrow.

One more thing, a few weeks ago I took a not too serious test on Facebook to find out my mental age and the result was: 33 which made me stop and think that there is some truth to the test even though it was only for fun.

Anyway I happened to listen to this song the other night waiting for the football (soccer) game to start on television and all of the feelings and thoughts started pouring out. So I decided to write something about it and put this song on my blog.

Man in the mirror

Published 02/21/2013 by MoonieZ

Sorry, no pictures.

I have a feeling the headline might draw you in to read this. Don’t be alarmed if it seems random. That’s how most of my thinking works. If thinking is the right word for what goes on in my brain. Maybe sometimes.

Anyway, this update was born out of the horrific experience I had a few days ago when I looked at myself in the mirror and noticed a big blob with a head attached. This blob also had arms and legs. It looked human. Sort of. It looked like a man. Maybe. It looked like me. A  lot like me.

Could this be me? I mean, I know I’m 45 years old. I know I eat a lot of things I shouldn’t be eating. I also eat a lot. But seriously, I had no idea it was this bad.

Before you start saying I can do something about it instead of crying about it on my blog, let me tell you that doing something about it isn’t the point of this text that you’re reading right now. Ok?

So, let’s move on. There I was, looking at myself looking at me and not liking what I saw. Still, I knew I was looking at the result of decades of self-loathing and lack of confidence.  Decades of trying to satisfy the need for human interaction, intimacy and love with excessive amounts of all kinds of food and beverage. Without success. The only thing gained has been weight and more loathing.

At times I managed to break the circle just to fall back into it again after a certain amount of time. Old bad habits die hard.

What I’m trying to say is that even though my appearance in the mirror is a result of eating a lot of food, the process has never been about food or eating in itself but about trying to satisfy a lack of other things in life.

Solution: satisfy the feelings by finding humans to interact with, form friendships, perhaps someday find some love and intimacy somewhere out there.  Until then, eat less and more healthy if possible.

Not rocket science but sometimes not so easy to do just because it seems simple enough.

Anyway, I’m done.  I can’t remember what else I wanted to share about this experience as I forgot to write down the thoughts flying through my brain at the time.

Nope, I’m not getting into any negativity here.  Simply being honest about things. Still have the positive in mind.

Later.

Dwell no more

Published 01/21/2013 by MoonieZ

Every day, I seem to return to the past, to the time that has been. The time that will never return, no matter how long I think about it.

Why do I do this?

Is it because the present and the future seems scary or less promising than the happy days of old times long gone? Probably.

Yet, I know that getting stuck in trying to stay in the past is a sure way to destruction. The logical, sensible part of my mind tells me this but I decide to ignore it, time and time again. Instead, I listen to the call of the memories and follow them back to the times when life was so much better than it will ever be again. Or so I keep telling myself while I walk down memory lane and look into the same old windows, at the same old comfy scenes of  happiness, peace, security and love.

Sure, this is a very powerful torture of the soul at the same time as it brings some escape from the worries of the present and the uncertainty of what will be tomorrow or next week or next year.

Almost anything can trigger my escape to the past: some scent, a sound, an image, a film, a melody, some lyrics, voices, a comic strip, a taste….the list is endless.  Maybe it all has to do with me having too much time to think?

If I kept myself more busy doing stuff, I wouldn’t have time to long for the past. Not that I don’t try to keep busy, thoughts of the past invade my mind at any time anyway. There’s no escape from escapism. Or so it seems.

 

“White trash”

Published 11/04/2012 by MoonieZ

In my country – Sweden – the expression “white trash” is now being commonly used by some, to label people who are perceived to be poor, unemployed, uneducated and morally challenged.

I’m sure some people who don’t know me might consider me to be “white trash” since I’ve been unemployed for a long time and have a poor financial situation.

To me it seems that the need for some people to look down on others as a way to distance themselves is born out of fear in a society where inequality is growing and more and more people risk falling through the widening cracks in the social safety net due to unemployment and/or illness.

This trend worries me a lot but I’m not sure it can be turned around before it gets even worse.

 

All that

Published 08/06/2012 by MoonieZ

 

All that I wanted, hoped, wished, dreamed.

At some moments I stop to think about what I got. And about what I didn’t get. What I haven’t got. What I will never have.

True, I don’t know what will be. I can’t turn back time and change the past. All there is, is the here and now. For better or worse.

Still, when I happen to see what could be and know what could have been, I can’t help to wonder why it didn’t happen. Why it can’t be. What it could be instead. What can be if what I want can’t be? Can I accept what there is and not feel like what there isn’t is always better? Be happy in the here and now with the way it is – why does it seem more and more like a challenge I do not want?

Probably because I have no – or very few – options. I have to be where I’m at because that’s all there is.

I do my best to see a way to get to where I want to be but that road is a long and winding one at best and at worst no road at all.

Holding my head high is not always easy or even possible. Still, I feel no shame when I don’t. I feel no shame to want what I can’t have or wish things would change to make the impossible option possible. I dare to dream the impossible dream. Still. It keeps me going. That little dream. Against reason.

What if I stopped. Can’t. If I let the dream go, I will have nothing. Perhaps I have nothing now but without the dream of something, I will truly have nothing at all.

My life is the way it is. Serves me not to look at life around me and wish it was mine when it isn’t. Wishes are only wishes. What’s real is what counts.

I’ve never known any other life than the life I have. The loner’s life. For a long time I convinced myself it was as good a life as any. Not sure anymore. I wish the years I have behind me would have been years I had shared with someone.

Sure I have experiences shared by others but not with anyone really close. That special one that I can’t seem to find. All I think of lately is time running out. Time having run out. While I’m still in the same spot and looking at time running. Wishing I could run along with it. Or rather wanting to stop it so there’ll still be time left for me to find what I’m still looking for.

NO. All is a mess. Better to leave it alone.

 

 

Living in the real world

Published 06/28/2012 by MoonieZ

Not always easy. So much more fun to indulge in illusions and fantasy. Escape into dreams of things that will never be. I’ve spent a lot of my time chasing dreams and living in a fantasy. Even when the real world came stomping in I didn’t give up my effort to hold on to the fantasy against all reason.  Sometimes the reality and the dream seemed to be one and the same. Those were happy times. The impossible seemed not only possible but within reach. Had I only reached out long enough. I didn’t. At the same moment as the dream could have become real , I backed away from it. Why? I got scared it wouldn’t be what I dreamed and most of all that I wouldn’t be like I was in my dreams. In the light of reality, I didn’t like who I saw when I looked in the mirror. So, I discarded myself from being good enough to deserve a chance to see a dream become real. It was safe to dream as long as the dream remained a dream. Then I had control. Control is the key word. In the real world, I had to give up all control  and let things be what they may. For better or worse.

Things I don’t understand, part 1

Published 06/15/2012 by MoonieZ

Some things I see in the world around me that I don’t understand.

Heard some teenage boys talking on the bus while I was going to the office this morning. They were bragging about not having done all the schoolwork they were supposed to and still getting grades for it because the teacher had trusted them to have done it all.  To me that’s nothing to brag about. I’d be ashamed, but the times they are a-changing  it seems .

I thought of some recent news I had read about the state of the Swedish education system. Students are given higher grades on average but they are learning less. This is a problem. The grades are no longer reflecting what you have actually learned but rather how popular the school is that you have attended. All of this has happened after the reformation of the education system in Sweden that made it possible for students to freely choose which school to enroll in  and not automatically be placed in the one closest to where they  live.

This leads to a competition between schools in order to attract as many students as possible because each student means more income for the school in the form of government funding, i.e. tax money. One way to compete is to promise high grades.  It also means that those students who don’t make a choice of school have to make do with schools that have fewer resources and where most students would in fact benefit from more resources in order to get the education they need. At those schools grades are lower on average  but students are still learning less.

Also, I’m wondering if the arrival of all this new information technology is somewhat to blame for the state of education. It seems owning and using a “smartphone”  in some cases somehow translates into a “dumb user”.

“I have all the knowledge in the world at my fingertips, so why bother to learn any of  it, as  in load it into my brain, when all I need to do is punch in a web link and look up a page whenever I need to know something.”  Well, how will you know if the  information you find is accurate if you have not learned enough to be able to evaluate it?

I believe there are no short cuts to learning even if many seems to be looking for all kinds of ways to avoid doing the hard work in order to reach the result. Of course sitting down, reading page after page of boring textbooks is a pain sometimes but I think it’s still the way to learning. Not the only way but a road that still has to be travelled in order to reach the final destination.

Another thing,  not related to the above, but still maybe a sign of the times. In a  Swedish online newspaper today I read about a homeless guy in Texas who had found some money some time ago and now been granted the right to keep them since no other person had been found to claim them. The comments online to this news from people in Sweden were sad to read. Many were not able to simply rejoice in a fellow human beings good fortune. Instead there were many jealous  and degrading comments made.

 

Words in a row

Published 12/05/2011 by MoonieZ

Hey, hi, hello, how’s the world been treating you?

I have to say I’m rather tired today. I slept rather well but woke up a bit early and couldn’t go back to sleep. Tweeted some while still half awake and then somehow got up.  Checked my Tumblr dashboard and reblogged a lot of stuff as usual. Too much being posted there for me to keep up with. But I like to look through it everyday anyway.  Always find some stuff worth looking at or reading. Sometimes fun and sometimes serious.  Somewhere in the middle of this I remember watching a video and masturbating but I could be mistaken as I wasn’t really all awake yet. Then I got ready, dressed, washed and brushed, drank some water to keep my kidney stones at bay through the morning rush hour commuting on buses and trains and went out the door towards the bus stop.

I know I ought to eat some breakfast but 1) I’m actually poor 2) I feel sick if I eat right after waking up so I skip breakfast and eat nothing. I drink water and sometimes I bring some lunch to the office but not always. Far from it. Then when I get home in the early evening I have dinner which is almost always a cooked hot meal. Later in the evening I may sometimes have a snack, a sandwich or some fruit depending on what I have around and what I feel like eating.

The bus was on time, I made it to the train station on time and the commuter train was on time too. Not crowded, I got a good seat close to the doors. I looked out the windows at the frosty landscape rushing by outside and thought about a tweet I had read earlier while still in bed and only barely awake.Something about the word ‘frosty’ had caught my attention.

I arrived at the station where I change trains and found out the other train was delayed. Not much only enough to make me pace around the platform for a few minutes while trying to keep warm. When the train arrived it was not crowded and I got a seat close to the doors again. I looked out the window and noticed I passed by the road leading to my first place of work – a small grocery store in a  suburb.

While I thought about how it had been to work there and the people I had worked with a colleague from the office came walking down the aisle of the train and sat down in the seat opposite.  Soon we started discussing the weather, global warming and climate change.

I said that I’m not sure the changes are due to human activity even though that’s what science claims is true. I have a hard time accepting a few hundred years of industrialism could really affect the Earth this much. My idea is that the climate might change anyway as it has done in the past going from warm to cold and then back to warm again.  Who knows. The Earth has been around a long time and I’m sure it will still be around long after all humans are gone. However this is just what I think and I might be all wrong.

Walking from the station to the office the discussion continued until we had arrived inside.

I went to my room and switched on the computer, set up my stuff, set my phone to charge and eventually started writing and thinking – which means working on my project. Looked out the window at the lake down below and then at the sky beginning to clear. Looked at Twitter, looked at Tumblr and started thinking about updating this blog.

Talked to the supervisor and continued working. Opened Spotify and listened to some new songs on a friend’s playlist while writing some texts for this blog and also one for my project.  Uploaded some photos to the blog and tried to write some more without much success.

Somehow I wasn’t writing what I really wanted and what I wanted I couldn’t write at that moment. Or at any other moment. I have a lot of trouble writing certain things. The thoughts are there and the feelings are there but the words aren’t there. Just refuse to come forward. I’m probably afraid to put it in writing, afraid of the fool I’ll appear to be – mostly to myself. What the world thinks is beyond my control anyway. So I didn’t write it. Instead I wrote about other things for my project, read a lot of news and articles about things I might use for my project and also tweeted and looked at Tumblr now and then. All of this made the day pass by quickly soon enough it was time to pack up and go home, which I did. Got on the first bus and had a terrible pain in my back from the kidney stones as I had neglected to drink enough water during the day.

For most of the hour-long ride home by three different buses I was in pain. So the first thing I did when I got home was to drink a lot of water and relax. Then I had dinner. Fish and potatoes. It was ok but not as good as I expected given the price of the fish had been rather high. After dinner I checked email, tweets, tweeted and checked and reblogged on Tumblr for a while. Also started to listen to music on Spotify and thought about writing some more for this blog as I was not happy with what I had posted so far today.  Had some gingerbread hearts and some water and started to write. And here I am now. Still writing this text. Maybe it’s time to stop now. Not much more to add.  At least not that I can think of. There’ll probably be more tomorrow, I can feel my nostalgic mode getting ready to possess me so I might be going back to the glory of the past days again in another post.

Peace.

Sunday dreaming

Published 10/30/2011 by MoonieZ

In my dream last night I held you close, hugged you tight, buried my face in your hair, felt the shape and warmth of your body close to mine and listened to your breathing as you were sleeping. It felt real and I was happy.

Now I wake from my dream, I wake from my dream to this world

Where all is shadow and darkness and above me a dark sky unfurls*

I find myself once more alone in my bed, tangled up in my blanket, only wishing to fall back into my dream of you.  To return to that happy place. Finding it impossible, I rise to face a new day.

Ain’t nothin’ in this world I can do about it
All I’m thinkin’ about is you*


(*Lyrics from the songs Back In Your Arms and All I’m Thinkin’ About. Both are written by Bruce Springsteen)

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