writing

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Friday November 17, 2017

Published 11/17/2017 by MoonieZ

Excuse me. I couldn’t think of any headline for this ramble so picking today was the easiest way out of that predicament.

Woke up early today after sleeping almost the whole night through. Still felt tired and not much in the mood for getting out of bed but eventually I made it up.

Not more than an hour later I was at the bus stop waiting to catch a bus to the next town to attend a meeting with a study group to learn more about ways to manage time, energy and activities for people with Autism Spectrum Disorder.

I arrived at a reasonable time this time because I almost didn’t go at all. However, once I arrived I started to feel better about the day. And the two hours went by fast. I like the fact that there are only four people in the group and that all are nice and friendly. It makes it all better and more interesting to take part in. Also, I like to meet other people with the same disorder. Just to know I’m not alone helps a lot. The funny thing is that I don’t find any of them strange, to me they all seem “normal”.

Anyway, no matter how interesting it was to be there, I was still very tired when I got on the bus back to my new hometown. Almost fell asleep several times along the way.

My brain is tired. The rest of me isn’t, but since the brain controls the rest of the body its hard to find the energy to do much.

I got home though, and had a nice walk in the sun through the park where the ducks along the canal greeted me with the usual “quack” sounding a bit like laughter.

At last, back in my humble apartment, I heated some food, had some drinks, and sat down to eat. Feeling exhausted.

Is this going to go on much longer? Well, I was wondering when you’d show up, figment of my imagination. You can always trust me to show up when you write boring pointless stuff like this. I know I can because you are a figment of my imagination. Are you sure? Why wouldn’t I be? Not the first time you show up.  And not the last! Well, that depends on if I let you. What do you mean? I make my own destiny! You think so? What if I simply stop typing, where will you be then? I will be right 

Well that’s the end of that. Back to the story of my day. Or perhaps not.

My Friday is rolling along at a slow pace. Pretty good but rather boring. Not much to add.

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Tuesday in October

Published 10/17/2017 by MoonieZ

Oh well, I’m back.

Thinking I should write something. Sometimes it works. Writing, that is. Thinking – not so much.

Yesterday was Monday. It had its ups and downs but ended on the upside. I worked through something important with a friend and it felt very rewarding for me that it didn’t end in a disaster. I have made so many mistakes that have ended with total failure, so I was almost surprised I managed to think straight enough to avoid that outcome.

The evening was fun and ended up being epic. One of those Mondays that will spawn legends. If there is any justice left in the world.

I got to sleep late but with a big smile on my face.

Hey, this is supposed to be about Tuesday!  Hold your horses, I’m getting there. Slowly.

Well, Tuesday started with me waking up. probably Tuesday started anyway but it sounds a bit more royal to write that the day starts when the king rises from his bed.

And you want to abolish the monarchy? Hypocrite! Do you mind? I’m trying to be creative  here.

Creative?! Bah, humbug!  You know you got a big mouth for being a figment of my imagination?

Well, somebody has to say it since you obviously can’t! Exactly what is it I can’t say?

Lots! Take that girl you like so much, for example, how do you think that will end?!

End? What are you on about? You obviously don’t have a clue. 

About what? See, this is what I’m talking about!  I think you should stop speaking in riddles. If you can’t understand it’s not my fault – you created me.

Yes, I did. And I can also shut you up. You wouldn’t dare! In fact you

So, time to move on.

Where was I? Oh yes, Tuesday.

After rising, I sat down. Then it gets slightly hazy but I seem to have relocated to some kind of armchair. Probably by using some kind of movement.

The next thing I remember is starting to write this piece of what some would call writing.

There you go.

To be continued….. (maybe)

Still not impressed. Nobody asked you.

What’s next ?

Published 10/07/2017 by MoonieZ

So here it is, readers.

I have a choice to make. To bash my skull in for being a crazy idiot and walk around feeling miserable for the rest of my life – or – acknowledge the fact that I’m feeling happy for the first time in a very long time. I mean really happy, not just trying to pretend happy like I usually do without fooling myself but perhaps one or two who don’t know me that well.

To decide to feel happy no matter what would be a step forward for me. To feel miserable and stupid wouldn’t be much of an improvement. So what I might have been reckless. I’m the only one to suffer, if there’s any suffering.

Maybe I ought to say I made an investment in my well-being. I like the sound of that.

For a long time, I’ve just pretended to be happy and positive. At night I felt the real me, the real emotions but I didn’t admit it to myself even. And not to anyone else.

I miss my home, I miss my parents so much I can hardly think of it or let myself feel it too often or I just break down and cry.

I hate being unable to make connections the way I want and long for. My stupid disorder makes me frustrated sometimes. Just because I know why my mind works the way it does, doesn’t mean I like it or think it’s not a huge problem. At times I wish some social things were easier, other times I couldn’t care less.

Frustration gets the better of me at times. At other times, I actually feel like I have managed to overcome some obstacles and made some progress. Learned to handle some situations better. Those moments I feel good about myself. Just isn’t happening enough.

The great consolation is music. Without music, I’d be unable to get through life.

Of course family, friends, movies, books also help but music is the best healer.

Now I’m starting to stray from the topic so I won’t go on for much longer, only to the end of this sentence.

October 2017

Published 10/01/2017 by MoonieZ

This is not the time for any deep thoughts. I’m still going to have to express myself in some fashion.

Doing things because it gives me pleasure now has a tendency to cause me pain later. Despite that I know this from doing it more than once, I still seem to think the next time will be different.

Yet here I am. Later. Same result. When will I ever learn?

Never? Probably.

Now it would seem that makes me somewhat stupid but I’m sure I can learn some day. Just not now.

On the other hand, it only harms me. This time. And it helps others so somewhere down the line I still hope it will bring me some good in return.

Oh, and October has arrived. Another step closer to the end of the year. Closer to a new beginning.

If I stopped making sense, I apologize. Thoughts are running left and right today. Will be a while until I can sort them out in writing like I used to do here while I was up and running. Now I take too long to write something new. Long enough to forget how to do it. Or so it seems.

Later, readers.

Might be May

Published 05/03/2017 by MoonieZ

Yeah, I’m not dead yet.

Sorry for the long delay between posts. I haven’t been feeling like writing a lot lately.

You know how it is, you wake up one  morning and you just can’t face life anymore. Been the start of many great novels. At least I think it has. If not, it ought to have been.

What I’m trying to say isn’t much so this is it.

Later.

November news

Published 11/04/2016 by MoonieZ

Howdy!

I’m still alive. Just not been able to update this blog for the last few months. Been busy elsewhere. Also not been in the mood for doing much writing.

Things I did has been bothering me. Recent events have been bothering me. My lack of discipline has been bothering me. Life bothers me.

I struggle to make changes to my way of living in order to feel better about myself. The things I have been looking for is not going to be found where I look for them. Probably I already knew, yet I tricked myself into thinking I didn’t one last time. Now the time has come to get up and go and leave it all behind as one last lesson learned.

So far it works pretty well. The more time passes it will be all good.

The first snow of the season came around this week. Brightened up the darkness a bit but I could still do without the cold weather. Too early for snow. Winter can wait until Spring. Still I prefer snow over rain. As long as it’s not snowing.When it is on the ground, I’m fine. As long as it isn’t too much to shovel away.

I spend most of my spare time playing video games lately. Or rather, a video game. GTA V.

First started around mid-August and now I’m at over 300 hours of playing time and at rank 90. At first I didn’t like the game much. That was while learning to control it. I was ready to throw it out but I didn’t give up and eventually I got to a point where I started to enjoy it.

Now I’m chasing the rank ups until I reach 120 (which will unlock all in-game content), then I will only play for the fun of playing.

Mainly my job is looking for work these days. Still without any progress but I keep writing my applications and look for any new places to apply to. I feel like I have already sent them to a lot of places but all I can do is keep at it.

In October one year had passed since my mother had a stroke and passed away. The day came and went and it was sad to feel the loss even more a year later. It has started to dawn on me that death really is forever. Of course I knew that but it’s not until it hits you for real that you really know how it feels.

Last month also marked my 10 years as being more or less out of work. Nothing to celebrate, but a fact.

Many times I doubt I will ever be working again. At least not full-time.

Well, that’s all folks!

Why am I here?

Published 08/22/2016 by MoonieZ

The question most frequently asked by my readers. No, I’m kidding. I have no idea what my readers would ask me. Sometimes I think I would like to know but then I don’t. The thing is I never wrote this for any readers…Well, not entirely true. There were a few people I hoped would read this back when I started. I hoped they would read and be impressed by my genius. And by my writing skills. Maybe they were impressed, maybe not. They never really told me except for a few very good and valid comments.

Where this is going? As usual, I have no idea. It all started with a headline. Then I keep writing for as long as I like and that’s what the post will be.

My focus groups all agree with this strategy. If I had any or a strategy. The point is that this is pointless but still has a point. Something to waste time with.

Now that I’ve got your attention I will proceed with some interesting facts about my mental state of mind. As if.

Ok, so this is a pointless row of words. My world, why a word has to have a point. Can it not just be a word finding its place in the great sentence of things and still have value?

The truth is out there. The truth is not out there, the truth is inside our minds. Where else would it reside? The out there can’t keep it alive or make any sense of anything. That’s what thoughts are for. Not saying that thoughts can’t go astray, because they can and they do. Like right now. Who can tell if a thought is true or false? What about thoughts about the out there then? Good question, next question.

Out.

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