I’m still alive. Just not been able to update this blog for the last few months. Been busy elsewhere. Also not been in the mood for doing much writing.
Things I did has been bothering me. Recent events have been bothering me. My lack of discipline has been bothering me. Life bothers me.
I struggle to make changes to my way of living in order to feel better about myself. The things I have been looking for is not going to be found where I look for them. Probably I already knew, yet I tricked myself into thinking I didn’t one last time. Now the time has come to get up and go and leave it all behind as one last lesson learned.
So far it works pretty well. The more time passes it will be all good.
The first snow of the season came around this week. Brightened up the darkness a bit but I could still do without the cold weather. Too early for snow. Winter can wait until Spring. Still I prefer snow over rain. As long as it’s not snowing.When it is on the ground, I’m fine. As long as it isn’t too much to shovel away.
I spend most of my spare time playing video games lately. Or rather, a video game. GTA V.
First started around mid-August and now I’m at over 300 hours of playing time and at rank 90. At first I didn’t like the game much. That was while learning to control it. I was ready to throw it out but I didn’t give up and eventually I got to a point where I started to enjoy it.
Now I’m chasing the rank ups until I reach 120 (which will unlock all in-game content), then I will only play for the fun of playing.
Mainly my job is looking for work these days. Still without any progress but I keep writing my applications and look for any new places to apply to. I feel like I have already sent them to a lot of places but all I can do is keep at it.
In October one year had passed since my mother had a stroke and passed away. The day came and went and it was sad to feel the loss even more a year later. It has started to dawn on me that death really is forever. Of course I knew that but it’s not until it hits you for real that you really know how it feels.
Last month also marked my 10 years as being more or less out of work. Nothing to celebrate, but a fact.
Many times I doubt I will ever be working again. At least not full-time.
The question most frequently asked by my readers. No, I’m kidding. I have no idea what my readers would ask me. Sometimes I think I would like to know but then I don’t. The thing is I never wrote this for any readers…Well, not entirely true. There were a few people I hoped would read this back when I started. I hoped they would read and be impressed by my genius. And by my writing skills. Maybe they were impressed, maybe not. They never really told me except for a few very good and valid comments.
Where this is going? As usual, I have no idea. It all started with a headline. Then I keep writing for as long as I like and that’s what the post will be.
My focus groups all agree with this strategy. If I had any or a strategy. The point is that this is pointless but still has a point. Something to waste time with.
Now that I’ve got your attention I will proceed with some interesting facts about my mental state of mind. As if.
Ok, so this is a pointless row of words. My world, why a word has to have a point. Can it not just be a word finding its place in the great sentence of things and still have value?
The truth is out there. The truth is not out there, the truth is inside our minds. Where else would it reside? The out there can’t keep it alive or make any sense of anything. That’s what thoughts are for. Not saying that thoughts can’t go astray, because they can and they do. Like right now. Who can tell if a thought is true or false? What about thoughts about the out there then? Good question, next question.
Once again, I’m here to tell you my life is a struggle. Nothing new. Same old story. Yes.
I know you think I ought to stop talking about how my life is a struggle and start changing it instead.
And I agree. If only it wasn’t true that I have been trying to change it for decades. No luck.
Have I then lost the right to write about the struggle my life is? No.
I do as I damn well please, and then I’ll sell it to the Japanese – so I can lead a good life.
Not that it is all bad to be me at all, but sometimes it sucks too much.
This past week has been very rough but I have survived. Not without a lot of pain and suffering but nonetheless here I am. Back to torment you with pointless posts like this one right here. Go and be a waiter in there!
So this week I plan to make some progress and get some fresh air into this dungeon of mine. About bloody time. Of course it could be just another false promise of mine but you’ll never know unless you stay tuned to this here blog. In fact, you might know more if you don’t stay tuned to this here blog but don’t mention it.
Plans? I’ve got lots of plans. Plans are cheap. They sell for a lot less than they cost to produce. Should be impossible but there is no end to the waste of plans around here.
Where am I going with this? Bet you’d like to know but I’m not yelling you. I’m not yelling at all. Not telling. I whisper your name in the quiet of the midnight hour. Or not. Hard to tell when I can’t hear what it is.
I changed the name of this blog. Mostly because I felt like it was time to own up to it being mostly about me and my misery. I don’t put my real name on it for reasons of privacy. Perhaps it don’t matter anymore but I’m not ready to use my real name anywhere on the blog yet. It has been alive for 11 years all the same.
The greatest story never known is my way of saying I’m still trying to get my 15 minutes in the limelight, my time to shine. Also a way of saying that most people never have much of an audience for their writings or stories. Yet, many people write on a daily basis.
My mother kept a journal for decades. A few notes about what happened each day, what she cooked for dinner, the weather and other things. Sometimes she also noted how she was feeling on a particular day and what she was thinking of.
She often told me to burn all the journals, letters and other writings left by her and my father, but I said I wouldn’t do that. Our family history should be preserved, was my reason. I still stand by it. Even if no one will ever read any of it even once, I think it shouldn’t be destroyed.
Maybe you think I ought to respect her wish to destroy it all, and I would if she had written it in a will and made it official. Now that didn’t happen.
Anyway, I’m digressing as usual. What will happen with this blog when I’m gone? I hope someone will make sure to not let all the posts go to waste.
Midsummer eve, a day of celebration only second to Christmas in Sweden. I’m not going to explain it. If you need to know more, search the internet.
The Boss – Bruce Springsteen – is in Gothenburg with his band for shows. Kind of a midsummer tradition in a way. And the weather is kind of great even if it rained during the night and this morning.
I’m celebrating kind of low-key this year. Not that I mind. I’m used to being by myself. Not good in large groups, takes too much energy away from me to try to handle all the information when I can’t sort it out.
The news this morning of the British having voted to leave the European Union was a shock to me. And I believe a much greater shock for the 48,1% of the British people who voted to stay in the EU.
It took away much of my wish to celebrate Midsummer but I wouldn’t have been celebrating much anyway.
Talked to my brothers on the phone and then my aunt. All seemed to be fine and having a good day. Was good to know.
I struggle with getting things done that I know I have to do but don’t have any motivation for doing. After so many years it gets harder to find any ways to freshen it up and keep me motivated. Of course I know I’ll get it done anyway but it feels so much of a burden lately. No way out of it though.
Still, my life is kind of getting better lately. Not any major change but small steps adding up. No luck in finding a job, no luck in finding a suitable place to live and no luck in finding that love that keeps eluding me. Might be because I’m not looking hard enough or in the right places or perhaps I don’t know how to look for any of it. No idea.
But I enjoy life the way I know how. Have started watching Orange Is The New Black again and still find it fun and interesting to see where all the characters will end up.
Same goes for Game of Thrones. Those are the only shows I watch now. Sometimes I watch some movies but not as much as earlier this year. I find that there aren’t a lot of really good movies around anymore. Or perhaps I’ve grown out of the genre movies. I keep returning to the “old” movies I already know because they are still good.
My internet friends also keep me smiling. Without them, I’d be lost.
Nothing. No, not really, but I wouldn’t report it as news.
The chaos in my brain is best defeated by writing.
Last few days have seen some changes happening. Good ones in the long run.
I can look forward to a slight improvement of my situation. After 5 years at the bottom of the pool, this is good news for me. And believe me, you do not want to be at the bottom of the pool. Not recommended. You live and you learn, though.
To be in the position to start over after these long years of just survival takes some getting used to . I haven’t gotten my head adjusted for it yet. Thoughts and feelings are all over the place and I haven’t slept very well for a few days.
But I expect to regain my footing soon.
In other news:
Nothing. Very little.
The days go by and I keep watching for good news without finding any at all.
The job front:
No improvement. I keep searching. Motivation is hard to maintain when there’s so little gain. However I still struggle on.
My brother will be visiting by the end of June. Will be nice.
Other than that. Not much happening. Days follow days and time runs away.