Hey June

So it is. I’m not sure what to write about. For many days I have been thinking what to write next. Never works. Too much thinking means no writing. Not even ‘next’ . Why? Because when I think enough, nothing seems good enough to write. Not even the news about my dull life or anything else with any connection to it.

I haven’t been too great – neither of mind nor body – and my updates have suffered. Headaches and other pains have stopped me, along with too much thinking about matters I can do nothing about. Then some emotions on top of it all and the rest is history.

Anyway last month – May – marked my four years as a visitor at MFC. This month means I have tortured the readers of this blog for no less than 8 years. It all began back in 2005. June. I had recently found a nice site to visit and gotten to know some people there. After having written some on the forum there and gotten a lot of nice feedback someone suggested I should start a blog to publish my writings and I did. Never knew then I’d still be at it 8 years later. The site is gone, most of the people I no longer see but this blog remains and perhaps I still have some readers who remember me from that site.

Readers. Thank you all very much. Old or new, casual or regular. No matter what kind of reader you are, I thank you. There would be no point to this blog without readers. After all, I didn’t start a blog only for my own enjoyment, or I could have kept a diary instead. However I never imagined having a lot of readers or followers.

Maybe I did at some point try to pretend that having readers or not wouldn’t matter but I guess I was trying to protect myself from feeling disappointed if there would never be any readers at all.

Still, I’m amazed I have readers because I don’t often think I post anything worth reading.

Now I notice there is no plan to this at all. Jumping from one topic to the next and then back again. Been away from writing for too long, no doubt.

Yes, or maybe this is all you’ve got?

Sure, I knew you’d say that. No surprise.

What’s the answer then?

The answer is: I have no idea what you mean.

Oh, really? I figured you’d be smarter but I see I was mistaken. 

This is going nowhere.  Good night and thank you for stopping by.

Dodging the questions are we now? 

You may think what you like.

I will.

 

Seven years of blogging

Soon, in June, this blog celebrates 7 years of existence.

It started out as my outlet for thoughts and feelings generated by interactions at a community webcam chat site.  Then it evolved into something like an online autobiography written and published one post at a time. From time to time I have also published pure fictional writings that have often been simple spur of the moment things. Some of my posts have been about certain topics – some attempts to discuss those topics and present my opinions. A lot of posts have also been about my interest in music, movies, books and food. Through the years I have posted photos, pictures, audio and video clips to break the blocks of text and to make the blog more entertaining.

When I started back in 2005 I never imagined having any readers but of course I hoped some people would find their way to my blog and perhaps even find it interesting enough to come back.  Now, seven years later, I know I have readers and even readers who regularly follow my writing here. I am very grateful for each and every one of you and thank you for reading my texts. I will do my best to continue writing and publish texts and other material in order to keep you interested.

However, what I write will still be whatever I feel like writing and that way it will as always reflect my personality. I will not ever attempt to adjust my style in order to attract more readers or try to figure out what will please the most readers.

Since people have found their way here and continued to follow my blog without me trying to please anyone, I think it would be stupid to start now. I will continue being me. That’s a promise.

 

 

What’s the point?

Sometimes when I look back at what I’ve shared with you, my readers, I feel a bit alarmed. Not about the details of what I’ve shared but about what kind of picture all of these posts paint of me in the minds of my readers.

How would I picture me, based on the information I find on this blog?  Sometimes I think about the answer to that question. Usually after posting things like yesterday’s text. Also after re-reading a post like “Creepdom” in which I attempt to discuss the good and bad sides to fandom while describing my own actions as a fan.  I’m not sure what the picture looks like but I’m sure it’s not only pretty.

When I started this blog back in the summer of 2005, it was at first in an attempt to describe my experiences at a certain website and community that I had then recently discovered. Soon it evolved into a way for me to express myself and also to write a kind of autobiography in the blog format. I started to write more and more about my past and about myself as time passed and I got some positive feedback from some friends from the community. Then for some years I didn’t post much on my blog until I suddenly met someone online in early 2008 which inspired me to really start working on my blog and since then I’ve kept up the work.

These days I can’t claim that all my writing is inspired by some  one person only but certainly people I know and meet do have some influence upon my choice of topics since the interactions with these people trigger emotions and thoughts within me that I often want to share with my readers.

I also try to avoid the romantic idea of waiting for inspiration in order to write. Instead I write even when I have no idea what to write and sometimes even no real motivation. Usually I still manage to produce some kind of text and most of the time I post that text no matter how I feel about its quality. In a way I do this also in order to battle my self-censorship from blocking my creativity. To really be able to write anything of value, I think not being stopped by self-censorship is essential.

IRL

Well what about it?

Simple. You want it to happen, it might or it might not. You don’t want it to happen. It still might. Or not. People are not machines. What will happen when people interact can’t always be predicted. What evolves through the interaction online is impossible to always control and keep in a certain place.  Sure, some call it all a fantasy. Fine. Let them have it their way. I’ll be having it my way. I’ve had it my way. I’ve seen how things develop beyond any fantasy and turning into something real without anyone really pushing it to happen. People have thoughts, people have feelings. Sometimes these don’t follow the rules you’ve made up in advance. Sometimes things happen that weren’t scripted. What shall we all do about that ? Throw a fit, call the cops and throw it all away? Or, should we as the imperfect beings we all are, bills to pay or not, working for a living or not, simply embrace that fact that sometimes life takes a turn nobody saw coming and something turned into something real.  I’ve seen it happen, I’ve lived it. I didn’t think it even could but it did and it has given me a friend for life. So, before taking all these grand stands on the matter of what is what in this digital age of global interaction – remember we’re all still humans first and we’re still social and emotional animals who do not always act within reason or follow our own rules. Wouldn’t it be terrible if we all stopped being human in order to uphold borders we’ve only set in our own minds? I don’t know – I’d be very unhappy with that kind of life.  Ok. I’m done.

At least I know where I fit in and where I don’t. Some forums are not for my kind – and that’s fine. I’ll return to being a lurker again rather than having my head bitten off whenever I voice an opinion different than that of the majority.

Some sites aren’t for this but for that you all say as if you know what’s in every human heart  and mind. You don’t know, you can’t know, nobody can. You sound as if you do though, and that’s ok. You have a right to your opinions and I have a right to mine.

Peace out !

How to use words

 

Brain is where it’s at anyway.

What a day!

What to write after a night and morning like the one I’ve just had?

I have no idea. There aren’t words enough or smart enough or funny enough or good enough or strong enough or nice enough or beautiful or cute enough to describe this amazing experience.

I’m going to simply state that I’m glad I was there. I’m happy to have been a witness. When these things happen to people I care about, who are my friends, I feel so happy, because I know how hard the work is that they do. Or – I don’t know how hard work it is to do – but I can very well imagine and I’ve also been told plenty of stories to know enough about it. Anyway – I have no more words. All I can think of are the expressions of happiness and joy I’ve witnessed.  So wonderful.

All I regret is not being able to contribute to this happy occasion. This one of a kind night. But at least I will always be able to say: I was there! If anybody asks me where I was on the night of January 31 and morning of February 1st 2011, I’ll say I was in this friend’s chatroom at MFC and it was an epic experience which I will never forget.

The rest of my night and day and doings and whatever I will return to some other time. Now I’m going to post this while the euphoria is still fresh and vivid in my mind.

 

Contradiction

Image via Wikipedia

Hello, readers!

Sunday. Around 12. I’m looking at a messy room that I will start to clean up at any moment (or so I thought). Right after writing this small piece of information.

Been having fun this weekend. Haven’t slept much but still feel fine. Haven’t gotten much work done but still feel fine.

Yesterday, after a fun late night and early morning I did get some things done. Went out driving my mother to the church for the usual lighting of a  candle at my father’s grave. Then drove her to the market for the usual grocery shopping.

Later on had a fabulous dinner. A pre-cooked meal I heated in the microwave.  At least I didn’t eat it in front of the TV, since I hardly ever watch TV.

As the evening progressed I started to feel sleepy, so around midnight I took  a little nap lasting about four and a half hours. Woke up just in time to join the fun at a certain chatroom at a certain site.

Which brings me back to the start of this post. I’ve been trying to finish this all day while thinking of other things, while knowing I should be doing other things, while feeling guilty for wasting time dreaming of You when I have so much I really need to get done. Well – I’m only human and failing is one of my talents so of course I kept on dreaming and never got around to the other stuff, the important stuff. At least that stuff counts as important in some circles but daydreaming is pretty important to me. Even if it hardly ever pays any bills to dream it is kind of nice. Most of the time even more than nice. Sometimes it can be a bit of a pain because somewhere there’s a voice in my mind telling me “you know this is only a dream, don’t you?” and I reply, “yes, I do know that but what else can I do?” There’s usually no answer to that so my dreaming continues undisturbed by reality checks.  Then after a while I’ll listen to some Roy Orbison songs back to back. And end it all with Bruce Hornsby – Till The Dreaming’s Done.

Looks like  that’s all, folks !

Guess it’s Monday again

Ugh!

Monday evening. Time is 10:32 pm. Or as we Europeans like to write it: 22:32.  Today was a mild sunny day. Temperature did rise above zero degrees which made it easy to free the car of snow and ice. For once. There’s nothing I dislike more than having to scrape frost from car windows on a freezing cold day.

Today I did some paperwork, made some phone calls related to job search, set an appointment and sent some emails out. If things work out right I will have a place of “work” soon that might actually be good for me to use as a way to work out a better future. Will report more about this when I have a result from this week’s efforts. Looks promising so far at least.

Did have a bit of a bad Sunday night. Was too tired from lack of sleep to really be of any use to anyone including myself. My brain did not wish to cooperate with me so I was  not communicating very well but at least I knew when to quit. At least I hope I did. After sleeping for about 5 hours I woke up this morning ready to get things done and I did manage to do most of it. Did also have time to drive my mother to a meeting and help her with some grocery shopping afterwards.

Had a very simple dinner. Sausage, potatoes, mustard. Nothing fancy but good enough on a Monday.

After dinner and washing some dishes I returned to my computer to continue with some work while also reading some news headlines at an online newspaper. Then I started read the tweets from my Twitter page, and reading back to see what had happened during the day while I was away. Checked MFC to see what was going on and then went to check the visitor stats at my blog. Always nice to find out which post is most visited each day. When done with that I checked in at the online forum to read some of the latest posts.  In the middle of all this I remembered I had some writing to do. Started with that but still not done. For once I would like to not find it so difficult to write an application for a job. Perhaps one day I will learn how to do that.

Soon midnight. This Monday will be done. Tuesday begins. Got a lot to do for Tuesday. Hope it will all get me closer to the better tomorrow I still wish for. If  I don’t give up I guess I will reach it. Or be a major fail.

 

 

Goodbye 2010 !

Ok, I promised to return to the topic of why I wish this year to end quickly. Well, here I am and its New Years Eve. All ready to type away.  I have made a previous post about how my life turned out this year for those who might be interested to read it or perhaps read it again…  But, there are other reasons for wanting this year 2010 to end. Reasons that have more to do with the world outside than my small and insignificant life.

Let’s start off easy with the place where I live. This little community located not far from the big capital city of Stockholm have this year seen the rise of a political party with only one goal: to break this small community away from the municipality and form a new one. All this has to do with money and taxes. The people living in this little community are for the most part ordinary people with decent income who seem to think that the taxes they pay should only benefit this little community and not also the rest of the municipality to which it belongs. I do not support this egocentric way of thinking and hope that this new party will not succeed in their mission.

Next reason for why this year should end quickly is located at the national level. Our government. This years general election did not end well for the party I support but what’s worse is that a small right-wing party which is considered to be racist in its political views gained enough votes to win seats in the parliament. I am sad to see this happen in my country.

The ruling alliance of parties who were elected to govern Sweden four years ago remains in power after this years election but with a loss of the majority in the parliament. This has had very little effect so far and the alliance has continued its policy of increasing the differences between rich and poor, employed and unemployed and last but not least healthy and sick. This is done through tax cuts and other measures for the wealthy, healthy and employed and through decreasing aid to the poor, unemployed and ill. This policy has affected me a lot during the past four years and will continue through the coming years if I don’t get lucky and manage to find someone who will want to employ me. I had high hopes for a change of policy in Sweden if a new government had been elected but this failed. There were not enough people who wanted a change to take place.  Solidarity has more or less fallen by the roadside during the last decade or so. Egoism seems to be rule from the top to the bottom of society. Maybe this will start to change by next year but I seriously doubt it will.

Last but not least: the world. No end here to finding reasons why this year 2010 sucked and needs to end quickly. Wars, escalating conflicts, terrorism (even in Stockholm), social tensions, religious conflicts, fanaticism, global financial crisis, banks going bankrupt, increasing unemployment, volcanoes erupting, floods, famine, snowstorms, ice storms, heavy rain, strong winds, freezing cold, heatwaves, Wikileaks controversy,  several nations economies collapsing, global warming, climate change…

The list goes on and on. Of course the end of 2010 will not mean the end to or solution of any of the above and the start of 2011 will not affect any of these things right away but perhaps the new year can bring with it the notion that everything eventually has an end and that change is and always will be not only possible but will also be coming and happening whether we like it or not.

Happy New Year !

Another Tuesday

Yep, it’s Tuesday. Nothing much to add to that. I woke up early because I had to, and because I couldn’t sleep. Had to go to the bathroom. And then I thought what a shame to be alone on a morning when not being alone would have been so much nicer. Anyway after that thought I drifted off to sleep for a few minutes until my alarm decided to wake me up again. My alarm is my cell phone playing Bruce Springsteen‘s Radio Nowhere louder and louder until I shut it down. Getting up again, finding it cold to get out of bed, I got some more clothes on and went to the kitchen to fix a sandwich and a glass of water. Yes – that’s my regular breakfast. I know I should eat a more healthy breakfast but I just can’t eat much when I wake up. That’s it. Ok, I got myself dressed, brushed my teeth and urinated before grabbing my bag and heading out to the car. Borrowed car. Have no money to own a car at this point so I’m lucky to be able to borrow one from time to time. Got started and drove to the employment agency meeting I had scheduled to attend. It was the usual stuff nothing new and it was not a long meeting. Got a letter that I had to mail so I did that on the way back, bought some food and drink and returned home to read job ads and do some writing and other stuff. Later I checked email, read the night’s tweets and looked at my Facebook status. Logged on to MFC to check some chatrooms. Had some dinner. Checked more cams. Read Twitter tweets. Updated old blog posts  and added links to some. Sometimes I’m amazed how many posts I’ve written and how much stuff I’ve written about over the years. Still there are many months when I only posted once or not at all and a few where I posted more than once a day . I know that the frequent posting occurs when I’m feeling good about life and when I’m happy and thinking that things will be good. When I’ve made new friends and when I’ve started to like someone too much. When I’ve started to care. Usually this don’t last too long even though I always wish it would. So anyway this was my Tuesday in September 2010. In fact the last Tuesday of this month. I hope yours was better.