Before the haircut and after. Which is which?
Is it me you’re looking for?
No? Ok, I’ll be on my way then.
But, seriously – I’m back. Not sure why. Have no idea what to write but thought I should let the world know I’m still alive. This blog is still alive.
Been a long time, so I thought it best to write something new for you all to chew on. As this is the first day of the new month, my timing is as always perfect. Did I hear someone laughing? No? I thought so.
Anyway, the days since my last writing here have been very normal. Ordinary. I’ve been getting up in the morning, got on the buses and trains, arrived at the place of “work” – the office, made some progress at various projects, surfed the interwebs and got back home in time for dinner. Nothing to write to home about.
My evenings have been much the same. Spent watching tv shows, movies and the occasional amateur sex video when not listening to music, surfing the web and/or tweeting or tumblr-ing or hanging about in some chatroom. Here and there the odd act of masturbation has taken place. Not often though, and not in public.
My nights have been spent sleeping and sometimes dreaming. What my dreams have been about I’m not at liberty to discuss with you lot. Why? Well, I can’t remember any of them. That’s why. Unless you think I’m keeping secrets.
The spring is on hold. Days are cold and nights are even colder. Snow melts very slowly due to the cold weather no matter how bright the sun is.
For your information there are no jokes in this update so have no fear of April Fools when reading this.
Easter holiday ends today. This long weekend has been rather dull. However, I have had some time to rest and recharge my worn-out self somewhat. Now I’m ready for whatever April will throw at me.
No, I don’t think humans can really think outside the “box”, simply because a “box” is always there to contain our thinking. If it would be possible to think outside that “box”, then that would be thinking none of us would understand. From this you can conclude that I’m referring to language as the ultimate “box” that contains and surrounds all our thinking and also enables us to communicate our thoughts not only in our minds but to each other. It’s not my idea of course. It’s simply a way of thinking about thinking that makes sense to me.
I’m back at the usual routine. No more holidays, only ordinary days.
The past weekend I spent at parties, or at least at one party.
My uncle turned 75 years old so there was a surprise party on Saturday evening. Then there was a dinner on Sunday for family and relatives. A lot fun at both. A lot of good food and drink too. Also a good time to catch up with some cousins and other relatives I don’t see very often.
On Sunday evening I was very tired when I returned home but I spent the rest of the evening relaxing while watching some old movies on Netflix: The Silence of the Lambs and The Terminator. Even though I have watched them many times before I always like to watch them again.
Today I woke up too early, went back to sleep, then woke up again just in time to get ready and then go to the bus stop.
At the office I had some nice conversations with one of my colleagues and also did some reading and writing. It was a nice start of the week, although a bit slow. There will be a lot of new things happening during the coming weeks there though so I’m looking forward to an interesting start of the year.
I’m happy there’s no more snow on the way yet. The weather is rather nice lately – only a few degrees below zero and not always cloudy. Not bad for this time of year.
Since many previous posts have been somewhat negative, I have done my best to make this a positive one in order to prove that I am in fact able to focus on good things.
Hey, Friday! LTNS !
What are you on about? I was here a week ago, remember?
Oh, yes…so you were. I had kind of forgotten that.
How do you forget me, Friday – the day of all days?! I mean, I could understand you forgetting Monday…but me? I’m offended.
I’m sorry. All days are kind of the same to me lately.
What a lame excuse. I’m not even sure it is an excuse. Is it?
Kind of…I guess.
Geeez, you better get your act together. Like yesterday.
Don’t know where to start. Or, I know where to start. I have already started, but I’m not sure of where I will end up with it all. Some writing left to do on a very long update that will be published soon on this very blog. It deals with some issues I’ve had for many years and how I think I may have solved them or perhaps at least made them less of a problem through the help some good people I have had the good fortune to interact with thanks to the internet.
Anyway, all of this will be revealed soon and I do hope it will also make some sense for my readers and not only for me.
My Monday is going along at a steady slow pace. I haven’t done as much work as I thought I would. My morning was partly disrupted by some stomach ache/pain but later on I got better and now I feel good. However, tomorrow at the office I’ll have some catching up to do.
Been watching the latest episode of Dexter and I have to honestly confess I’m still not very thrilled by this season. Sure, there are some interesting things going on but I don’t feel very excited about the storyline so far. Some of the things happening are very predictable and the surprises are few. However, as the middle of the season is reached things usually start to heat up so maybe the second half will still be better. One thing I know already is that this season is far from the best season ever.
I spent the better part of last week and today revisiting some old demons. Or maybe they revisited me. I’m not sure it really matters who revisited who, I only know that I know these demons very well by now and they know me. Same old ones all the time and they all know how to come back to haunt me.
Insecurity, self-hate and pain. Are just a few of them.
For most of my life they have been around. Sometimes far away in the background and sometimes right in my face. I fight them off, they come back. I surrender to them, they have a party in my lost soul while my mind is blown away or simply asleep.
They bring me nightmares. Make me tired, depressed. Ruin my sleep by waking me up every two hours. Invade my hope and desires, only to laugh at them.
Yet I know they never stay for very long. After a few days or maybe a week they get bored and decide to take a vacation.
So then they stay gone long enough for my tormented soul to recover and almost forget the agony of their last visit. Somehow they sense when this happens and decide to return in force.
Well, sometimes I invite them over and they are always happy to accept. Except ‘happy’ isn’t exactly how I’m feeling when I invite them. Why do I keep on doing it? Good question. Been asking it myself many times over.
Always telling myself this is the last time, never again will I let this happen. Next time they come knocking, the door will stay closed. Not so easy. I can’t help to let them back in. Even though I feel really sad and depressed by their visit, they do keep me company in my misery.
Pathetic, isn’t it?
Previous post wasn’t exactly what I wanted to say, but it will have to do for now. Sometimes a text sounds very good while it’s a thought in my mind. Then when I get around to writing it, it comes out less than what I thought.
A real writer would then start to edit and rewrite and edit and rewrite until a version is created that can be accepted as good enough. I don’t do that a lot. I used to be like that. Edit, edit, edit. Throw away. Rewrite, rethink, rewrite. Search for the right flow of words. The right sound and rhythm. Then one day I looked at the blog post I was trying to edit into shape and thought to myself: would you die if you publish this without it being 100% perfect? And the answer was: no, I wouldn’t die.
So, I stopped editing and published the text as it was. Then I decided to do the same with all future texts. No matter if I liked them or not. Sure, sometimes, I still throw things away instead and start over or forget about the idea and publish nothing, but most of the time I go ahead and publish the first finished version of everything I write.
The reader will notice this has been written before in other ways throughout this blog but that’s what happens. I often return to topics already written and since this is my blog, who’s to stop me?
Been eating too much. I always do when I’m not feeling too happy about life or about myself.
Today has been such a depressing day. The weather was not too bad. Cloudy. Not the reason for feeling unhappy. In my previous update I made an effort to explain the whole issue but I probably didn’t make much sense. Anyway, I’m not about to try making sense now. I said what was on my mind at the time.
Looking back on my weekend, it was ok. Friday was good. I had a nice time seeing a friend in a chatroom. Friday night was the night before her birthday, so it was a special occasion. Even though I almost missed the whole thing due to being asleep and not hearing my alarm. Somehow I did eventually manage to wake up and get to my computer. So Friday night and early Saturday was good. I slept a long time after all of that.
The rest of my Saturday was also rather good. I had a visit by my nephew and his baby daughter. Spent the afternoon with them and with my mother.
In the evening I watched tv and listened to music. Probably spent some time reading tweets and looking at my Tumblr dashboard too. Went to sleep late, kind of slightly worried, then slept a really long time and woke up not really wanting to get up. Weather was gloomy. A lot of rain. Didn’t go out for the whole day. Spent my time reading, watching movies, tweeting and listening to music.
Thought about writing something for the blog but didn’t like what I wrote. Then had a shower and washed my hair before going to sleep rather late. Had trouble falling asleep as I had too many thoughts running around in my mind.
Woke up this morning feeling not so great. Which brings me back to what I wrote earlier today so now I’m going to leave that subject behind. There’s nothing I can do to change anything anyway. What has been, has been. It’s history. I’m moving on.
Surely I understand that feeling depressed about this thing is making it into too big an issue. It all boils down to me and my reaction to things that don’t happen the way I expect them to. That’s all there is. I know I am probably better off not reacting the way I do but it’s too late, I have already reacted. I feel the way I do and I will feel that way until I stop feeling that way and start feeling something else.
Some new people started at the office today, but mostly it was business as usual over there. I spent my time reading and writing some stuff I had planned and then I went back home at the usual time.
At home after a long ride on crowded buses, I had a pizza which I heated in the oven. Then I should have stopped eating but I had some potato snacks and dip during the evening. I also drank a lot of iced tea.
Now, about a quarter to midnight, I will finish this little rant and go to sleep. I hope I will sleep better tonight. For some reason I just feel like leaving my depressed feeling behind. And all thoughts too. I hope I will.
When I return with the next update, I hope it will be something happy or at least different.