Don’t dream, it’s over

All good things have to come to an end.

Never thought it would happen so suddenly, and without a chance for a proper goodbye. But I guess that’s how it is. All I can do now is miss you and the way we used to be.

Remember forever all the fun, laughs and good times shared. Also the serious words spoken privately, and all the things I got to know about you that I will always carry with me but never share with the world.

Your creative genius, your artistic talent and your surprises. Things that are a  part of what makes you a  one of a kind person. So happy to have been there to witness all of that.

Wish you all the best for the rest of your days and hope you always keep your positive outlook and  happiness.

Good luck, goodbye.

The unexpected

Most of the time I have no clue where I’ll end up when I start to write. Sometimes that works very well but at other times the result is just a mess of unfinished ideas.

What this will end up being is impossible to tell at this stage.

Same feeling of not knowing what will be or even happen next is what I’ve got when I see my new friend online.

Even as I like the constant status of never knowing what will happen next , it doesn’t always sit well with my anxiety and worry about not being able to predict what will happen. At times I succumb to a lot of emotional stress but I do my best to fight it.

The overall feeling is happiness after all. Perhaps even a level of happiness I have never experienced before. So spending time with my friend is most likely only good for me. Despite the fact that I sometimes worry a lot.

However, I think I’m also learning to handle my fears and worries about the unpredictable unknown through the interaction with my friend. So, I’m positive about the whole experience. Even if it drains a lot energy from me it also gives me energy and makes the rest of my life easier to handle.  I’m not feeling all alone anymore.  I have something to care about – and someone to care about. It takes me away from only thinking about my problems and worrying about them. Instead I can focus on others, and on having fun.

Surely, I could do this without the internet and the online world but even if it’s a mediated experience it’s still about social interaction and dealing with real thoughts and feelings so I do think it’s all good in the end.

Still I’m sometimes surprised about all of this and find myself wondering if it’s just” a dream I will eventually wake up from,  but then I remember it is actually really happening here and now.

Some more

There comes a time when you…. know the time has come to raise….your keyboard and start to type yet again.

What about, is not entirely clear.

The reader might remember a previous update about a new friend I have been spending a lot time with for the past two months. If the reader can’t remember that update, it doesn’t matter.

To spend all this time keeps me on my toes, as I’m constantly learning a lot of things about myself, about her and life in general.

Often I find myself going outside of my comfort zone to try things I never thought I would ever consider doing. I find it to be more fun than I expected.

All of this makes me feel so much more alive.  The only worry I have is that it won’t last forever.

 

Somebody new

Let me tell you this, readers, writing this wasn’t easy.  First, I thought I had a brilliant idea to write all this in Swedish. That was before I actually started. Then, as I started, it dawned on me how it would seem odd to suddenly write in Swedish at this blog, which has only seen one text in Swedish during its entire existence. So, after a day or two of thinking about it, I decided English is the only way to go.

Thinking about what to write has also proved to make it difficult to even start. To get out of that situation I simply write what comes to mind. Regardless of what I think about it.

I see no other way to get this all out of head and into a block of text.

A Friday was the day it all started. I was having a slow day doing a lot of nothing and got the sudden idea to check out the new faces of the chat site I used to visit occasionally.

So, I browsed through the section of new arrivals and suddenly a certain screen name caught my eye. The first part of it was identical to my own and that made me curious to find out if it was indeed true and not false like the case had often been in the past with people claiming to be Swedish.

So I went in, just to see if I could find out.

Now, I must admit, my first reaction to what I saw did not make me all that interested in staying. The person in front of the camera did strike me as not that nice or interesting but I still decided to chat and drop some tokens. After all , I had nothing better to do.

How I found out she actually is Swedish, I can’t recall but I know I did receive a private message asking me if I’m Swedish and after that a conversation started. I must have started to enjoy myself because I stayed in the room about four hours that first day.

That very first impression proved to be wrong. She is actually nothing like the sort I first thought. And that probably contributed to the fact that I returned the next day and stayed even longer.

But, after those two days, I did stay away for twelve days. Why that happened was probably because I was trying to avoid falling back into my old habit of spending huge amounts of time and (from time to time ) lots of money at this site.

However, I must have liked my first two days, because after nearly two weeks away I went back and from then onwards for like almost a month I spent lots of time having fun and getting to know this person.

At first our conversations were all in English but after a while that changed and our private conversations started to be in Swedish. I can’t stress enough how good it felt to finally hear my native language spoken and see it typed at that site. For so many years, all my chat conversations had always been in English, no matter the nationality of the person I spoke with. For a long time I had also enjoyed it and actually avoided Swedish even when fellow Swedes had used it in chats I had been a  part of. I even avoided to admit being from Sweden.

Now, however, Swedish really spoke to me in many ways it had not done for so many years before.

Also, the way she speaks Swedish, the sound, the accent, the melody of her voice immediately caught me and only made me want to hear it again and again.

Needless to say, I quickly forgot all about everything else around me and focused all my attention on the person in front of me and on getting to know as much as possible about her.

Who I found is someone completely different from my first faulty impression. At first I would never have guessed she has such a great amount of talent, creativity and positive energy but it dawned on me during the many hours I spent with her.

Not only was it fun, it also challenged me to change. Or, rather, she inspired and challenged me to start changing my thinking into a more positive direction.

Her almost limitless positive energy and constant happy outlook on everything started to rub off on me and for that I’m eternally grateful. It has given me reason to question myself and to evolve after being kind of stuck in some rather negative modes of thinking about myself and things that happen.

Though most of all she is incredibly creative and artistic. And fun to be around. You never know what she will do or say, or  where her creative ideas will take her and you. For me, being stuck in routine and structure as I am, this impulsive creativity can sometimes seem confusing and hard to follow but it also teaches me to be less afraid of not being able to predict what will happen. Have I also mentioned how beautiful and attractive she is? I haven’t ? Perhaps that goes without saying. Not that I think its her very best feature. Don’t get me wrong, she’s beautiful but its her soul that really makes her beauty shine.

Her amazing personality is what keeps me coming back, what draws me in. Yet, it’s not so easy to define which lends a certain mystery to her being. Something I find even more attractive than the pure physical beauty she also possesses a lot of. Without being flawless, mind you. It would be easy to wax on about her being perfect in every aspect but that’s not how it is. I don’t believe in the concept of a perfect human being anyway. What appeals to me are always the small imperfections that make every person unique.

She certainly is a one of a kind person and I’m very happy  and feel very lucky to have gotten to know her over the past month. Still I feel there is lots more to know and she constantly surprises me with new aspects of herself that adds to the overall image of the person she is. And even if the pieces not always seem to fit straight away they reveal a very interesting soul.

Sometimes I forget

I’m not the only one with a story behind me. I forget that sometimes. Perhaps I shouldn’t feel too guilty about it, I’m sure many, if not all, people tend to not think about the story behind the people they meet, work with, pass by in the street or interact with online. After all, there are only a few people out of all the people I ever cross paths with, that I will ever get to know enough to have some idea of their story.

In fact, I can’t say I know much of anyone’s story even among those select few I call friends. When I think back on it, I really didn’t know all about my parents stories and yet I spent so many years with them. I can’t say I know my brothers too well but of course better than most friends.

Really only one friend I’ve had through the years that I knew more about than I knew about anyone else in my life. It still saddens me that friendship didn’t last longer than it did. But, it wasn’t only up to me to decide that.

At times I find myself wondering if I’ll ever be that close to any one person ever again. And there are still moments when I miss that connection. However, the past is behind me and it has to remain there, as a fond collection of memories.

Maybe I’m not the most curious of cats when it comes to trying to find out what made other people who they are but I can’t say I don’t watch or listen and try to piece it together from what I see and hear.

Or perhaps it all boils down to my disorder making it harder for me to interpret people but also more focused on trying to figure them out despite this extra difficulty. Not sure.

I  do know, I’m always talking too much about myself whenever possible. And that small talk is often hard for me, if I even try. But I try to learn to listen more and ask other people questions, since everyone likes to talk about themselves more than anything. Or is it just me?

The end of this draws near, as I notice I’m digressing. Always a challenge when writing without having any plan for what the topic ought to be.

Untitled

Hello!

I’m back to haunt you once more. Just when you thought it safe to return to this deserted blog on the edge of town. Not far from the darkness that dwells there.

Anyway, I’ve had some interesting days to say the least.

Many laps around the rollercoaster called life lately. Many different feelings. Highs and lows.

Some matters have been resolved, some are pending and some remains to be seen where they end up.

Still, the question of where to live, where to move to, remains ro be resolved. I’m still not sure what I really want to do but I’m not alone in making the change. My brothers have a say in it also.

Getting help from the municipality seems to be a long struggle where the eventual outcome is highly uncertain.

Finding a place to rent is not easy, and buying one in the current market is very expensive. So, to make a long story short, I’m kind of stuck where I am for the time being.

I feel a lot of stress due to this situation, and I’m not sure anyone else really understand how I feel. My ASD is not making having an uncertain future any easier or less stressful.

Luckily I have some nice people to communicate with who help take my mind off of the stress and let me have fun and enjoy myself. I’m very  grateful to have them around.

Perhaps I could manage without friends but I feel it makes life easier to have a few. Most of my life I haven’t had many friends. Most of the time only one or two or none at all.

I don’t find friends easily, and I have some trouble keeping them. I have trouble with social interactions and don’t like being around many people at once.

One at a time, works best for me. Not always easy to explain to everyone I happen to meet.

Summer is around the corner. Some beautiful warm days have already passed by but I hope the best is yet to come.

Then there is the matter of grief. One thinks it will fade away through the passing of time but it doesn’t work that way. I’d say it starts to sink its claws in you when you think it has disappeared. Every month around the 22nd, I have a minor breakdown. I think I will always feel that way. I know I will always miss my parents, and perhaps my mother more than my father because I spent more time with my mother and because my mother’s passing happened so fast. There was no way to say goodbye.

I find that music helps a lot to sort out all kinds of feelings.

Happy Birthday, J !

Happy Birthday to you my old friend.

Not to say you are old or anything and I won’t mention your age but I do want to wish you a wonderful birthday.

I know you don’t wish to keep in touch so this is not any attempt to get in touch again. Just happened to think of the times we shared and how much I value our friendship now that it isn’t active anymore. I will always remember it.

Anyway, to make a long story short,here’s a song from the old days:

All about the people

Listen up, people – or better yet: read. I’ve got something to say.

Not long ago I thought I was more or less done doing certain things. Most of the fun had gone out of it. I didn’t feel the same need to be around a certain place. Except for the chance to see my few friends. I didn’t have the urge to participate at all. The time had come to close the door on the whole thing.

What I thought was the final nail in the lid of that coffin, turned out to be a start of something new and exciting. Somehow the fun has returned. Thanks to new people, I found my lust to take part again.

Even the old bad habit of staying up late and getting no sleep. However, I find I’m getting too old for that part.

In the words of the great poet John Fogerty:

[I’m] born again, there’s new grass on the field  

This leads me to the conclusion  that it’s all about the people you meet.

John Fogerty – Centerfield

Accidents

Not really an accident but sometimes it feels like it was by accident it started. However I can’t say I regret it, because I do enjoy every moment so far. Not to mention how it makes me feel better about myself and my life. Helps me forget some problems for a few hours and lets me have some fun.

I haven’t got much more to say.  My wish is for it to just be as good as it is right now for as long as possible. That’s really all I would want from it.

Through the years I’ve learned a lot from mistakes and this time around, I’m going to make sure I won’t make the same mistakes all over again. This time I’m going to prove to myself that I have actually learned from the past and evolved.

So much for the online fun stuff.

Spring is still waiting to return but the weather is still not so bad. Only cold. Days are sunny and the sun melts the snow but not as fast as I’d like.

At the office it’s business as usual. I managed to get some work done this week thanks to the energy gained from my online interactions.  Now the Easter holiday weekend has begun. I’ll be spending it at home probably. Can’t afford much else.

However, I’m used to this situation and it doesn’t bother me much anymore. Life is the way it is. I will try to enjoy it as much as possible anyway.

Now I need to sleep, as I have some chores to do tomorrow.

A story

Winter, 1968

Looking back at old photos, I see a kid about 2 years old sitting in the snow, laughing at the camera looking all happy.  I know it’s me but I can’t remember it. Sometimes I wonder if  that was me and where that happy kid disappeared to.

Growing up in an apartment in a row of low wooden buildings along a road in the middle of a forest area  close to the air force base where my father worked, I remember having friends to play with among the other kids down the road.

Soon enough I had only one really good friend.

It was a nice place to live in as a kid though. Lots of space, a vast forest  around, very little traffic on the few small roads and also the airplanes to look at through the fence to the airfield whenever there were nothing else to do.

Then when  I was about 5 years old, I  moved. My parents built a house in another area and I found myself in a new neighborhood. Found some new friends or at least other kids   to play with but mostly I still hung out with my friend from the old place.

We remained friends until around 12 years old, then we drifted away and went separate ways.  He found new friends and interests, I remained the same and kept to myself. I guess it was inevitable.

My teenage years I spent without any close friends or friends in general. Outside of school I sometimes spent time with some younger kids who hung around the neighborhood. Better than always being alone but at the same time not really good for me in the long run. I missed out on all the usual teenage stuff.

At school the bullying that had started when I was about 9 0r 10 years old only got worse. To avoid it all, I stayed mostly at home when not in school, in my room or in the backyard. I wrote stories, worked on comics, played, painted, dreamed, read books, listened to music, studied. Luckily my young nephew spent a lot of time at my house during those years so I wasn’t always on my own.

At 13 years old,1980

In high school things got a bit better over time. I got some friends in class I spent most of my time with during school hours. Also, I managed to get to know a girl. Some small steps towards a better life were taken. There was not a lot of bullying at this level but the damage had already been done in the past. All of this I have written about many times before on this blog. In this post, I’m trying to describe other things I have been thinking about a lot  lately.

Right after high school I got a job in a grocery store and started earning my own money. I had nice colleagues and liked to be working instead of studying. The plan had been to go to college right away but after I got the job I didn’t want to stop working. I figured higher education could wait.

Outside of  work, the friend situation remained the same. I had no friends outside of work. Only talked to my brothers, my nephew or my cousins.

Many times I thought about this situation and also tried to change it but at other times I didn’t bother. Instead, I told myself not to worry. It’ll get better with time.  Except it didn’t. Nothing changes by itself. Changes has to be made. I didn’t try hard enough. Or I gave up to soon. I don’t know.  One thing I know is that I often pretended there was no problem having no friends to hang out with on a Friday night, even though I thought it was a huge problem. I told myself I was better off being alone while I suffered from it at the same time. What else could I do to not drive myself crazy. Well, I wrote a lot of stories about people who weren’t lonely and miserable. People who made friends and found love and all the things I lacked but wanted. Except I didn’t know how to get any of it.

I switched jobs after less than two years. In those days a job was easy to find. I liked my new job. Still in a grocery store but closer to where I lived and with better pay and other benefits. Not long after starting there, I decided to stay in that job as long as possible, maybe for the rest of my working career. I was happy with what I had.

Outside of work, I remained alone and lonely. I started to go out more though. Visited museums, the cinema and concerts. Started travelling when I had saved enough money for tickets. I visited the UK and later made several trips to the United States. Life wasn’t so bad but it could be better, was what I kept thinking.

These being the days before the internet, my spare time visual entertainment was television, VHS movies and video games. Computers I knew almost nothing about and I didn’t even own one until I was 30 years old.

When I finally decided to go to college, I bought my first computer and got hooked up to the internet. At first I didn’t know what to make of the online world. It did take some time to understand how to use the internet and all other features of a computer. Soon I started to explore, made my first visits to chat rooms, learned about news groups and looked through home pages of all kinds. Learned some html coding and tried to set up a page of my own. However, most of the time online I searched for useful information related to my studies or I looked at porn. (Let’s be honest. At least, let me be honest: if it wasn’t for the porn industry, internet would not be what it is in many ways. That’s what I think anyway.)

I liked being in the academic world, at the university I felt at home from the start. There were always people to talk to about subjects that were interesting and intellectually stimulating. There I could also make use of my writing skills.

Outside of school hours, I still hade no real friends though. However on the internet things happened. I started to make  friends online, at chat rooms. How this happened I have written about before in great detail, on one of the pages of this blog. Those interested can easily find it for further reading.

It made me happy to have friends to talk to, even if “only” online. My life suddenly took a turn for the better. Even if I had medical problems and soon other problems too, for some years I was mostly happy about having friends. One online friend became a very close friend and really helped me to grow and change a lot of my thinking.

Without the internet, none of it would have happened. Sure, other things could have happened instead but that’s impossible to find out now.  All I know is that I don’t wish to change any of what happened, my only regrets are connected to what could have happened had I dared to do things I didn’t have the courage to try.

Then the disaster struck. I lost my job. At first I wasn’t too worried even though I knew it would be a tough time finding a new job. Soon enough, I learned how tough it really would be. I had managed to get through my father passing away from cancer, and through a struggle for years with my own medical problems but trying to get back into the working life has proved to be an even worse struggle. For a time it looked like I was saved when I got a job at a new store but it didn’t last and after that there has been no progress at all.

During these years of unemployment my personal finances have collapsed more or less, I’ve become really poor and even though I’m grateful to live in a country where there is still some welfare to keep me from a life on the streets begging for money, I can’t say I enjoy being forced to rely on the government for my survival. I’d prefer to work for a living as I did for many years in the past.

Without my friends online, I doubt I’d make it at all these days. My friends keep me sane, keep me from giving up when I feel like giving up (and I often feel that way). Thanks to my friends, I find some strength and motivation to keep on going even when it all seems hopeless. Thanks to my friends I can still laugh and smile and keep some dreams alive. I can still feel like a human being.

Sure, those are big words but that’s how it is.

From here there is only one way to go. Forward. That’s where I’m going.

Thanks for taking the time to read this. I didn’t write it for you, dear readers, I wrote this for myself. It’s the only way I know how to write.