All posts tagged work

I like where I am now

Published 10/28/2017 by MoonieZ

Well I guess I owe Don Henley for todays headline. His song Where I Am Now actually inspired me to start writing this little update to my life and times.

A lot of things has happened lately and more to come soon. Both personal and work related things.

I’m not sure my brain is keeping up and emotions have been kind of all over the place.

First of all I’m feeling happy. Happier than ever, probably. Somebody has a lot to do with that happiness in my being. To hold on to that will be the great challenge for the coming days, weeks, months. And should it not be possible I’ll at least always have the memory of it all.

Never felt more alive than now. To put a price on that is impossible. All I can do is be thankful for it happening right now.

Positive energy and thinking has been guiding me forward and makes life easier to face. Not that the problems are gone, but I’m starting to see and find solutions now instead of getting stuck in thinking nothing is possible.

On the work front good things are coming soon. And after that I might be on my way to a real job again. I would be very happy if that happens. Been so long that I had lost all hope but now somehow things have started to take a turn for the better.

I’m part of a study group to learn more about how to handle problems associated with ASD and it is also a very positive experience. The people I meet there are friendly and I feel happy to learn from them and share my own ideas and ways of coping with the disorder.

So there are many good things going on now. That’s why I like where I am now.

November news

Published 11/04/2016 by MoonieZ


I’m still alive. Just not been able to update this blog for the last few months. Been busy elsewhere. Also not been in the mood for doing much writing.

Things I did has been bothering me. Recent events have been bothering me. My lack of discipline has been bothering me. Life bothers me.

I struggle to make changes to my way of living in order to feel better about myself. The things I have been looking for is not going to be found where I look for them. Probably I already knew, yet I tricked myself into thinking I didn’t one last time. Now the time has come to get up and go and leave it all behind as one last lesson learned.

So far it works pretty well. The more time passes it will be all good.

The first snow of the season came around this week. Brightened up the darkness a bit but I could still do without the cold weather. Too early for snow. Winter can wait until Spring. Still I prefer snow over rain. As long as it’s not snowing.When it is on the ground, I’m fine. As long as it isn’t too much to shovel away.

I spend most of my spare time playing video games lately. Or rather, a video game. GTA V.

First started around mid-August and now I’m at over 300 hours of playing time and at rank 90. At first I didn’t like the game much. That was while learning to control it. I was ready to throw it out but I didn’t give up and eventually I got to a point where I started to enjoy it.

Now I’m chasing the rank ups until I reach 120 (which will unlock all in-game content), then I will only play for the fun of playing.

Mainly my job is looking for work these days. Still without any progress but I keep writing my applications and look for any new places to apply to. I feel like I have already sent them to a lot of places but all I can do is keep at it.

In October one year had passed since my mother had a stroke and passed away. The day came and went and it was sad to feel the loss even more a year later. It has started to dawn on me that death really is forever. Of course I knew that but it’s not until it hits you for real that you really know how it feels.

Last month also marked my 10 years as being more or less out of work. Nothing to celebrate, but a fact.

Many times I doubt I will ever be working again. At least not full-time.

Well, that’s all folks!

Better to not say too much

Published 06/03/2016 by MoonieZ

Sometimes, it serves one better to not say too much.

I learned that lesson again today. The news reached me that things I had counted on would not happen in the time I had been sure of before. I had to regret previous statements and feel pretty bad about it all.

On the other hand, this news was also good, because it confirmed that eventually what I have planned will actually happen. This made me stop worrying about the whole thing. Now I will only feel bad about it not happening the way I had hoped and planned.

Another thing: the weather. Been like the very height of Summer this week: warm and sunny. Almost like July and it’s only early June. There’s cold weather and rain on the way, so tomorrow (Friday) will be the last of the really great weather for a few days at least.

As much as I like the sun and warmth, it has been hard to sleep and not easy to get much work done without feeling exhausted. Still, there are not many days like these in a year so I should not complain too much. Soon the winter darkness and cold will return. Then I will miss these warm bright days.

On the other fronts, not much to report. Still looking for work, still having no luck. Still waiting for various authorities to make decisions and get things started. Still learning to live with knowing I have a disorder. At least I’m now getting some help to sort that out.

Life is starting to get back to some kind of order.

Sunday,May 22, 2016

Published 05/22/2016 by MoonieZ


Sunny as Saturday was but mostly cloudy,  I wasn’t much outside. The plan was to get some boring things done that really need doing but for which I have lost all motivation.

So, I’m seated here after midnight with all the work still to do. However, I will not start now. Instead, I’m off to sleep and then to dream.

When I wake up I really have to get my sh*t together, or there will be hell to pay later.

At least my worried mood from a few days ago has vanished. I got some help to get my brain back on track and for that I’m happy.

The struggle to keep my self in order is not easy and it takes a lot of energy away from me. Energy I could make better use of.

Friday night was a fun time though. I got to forget about all the problems and enjoy a few hours of good fun and laughter among other things.

I slept very well after that. All the way to the afternoon. Then I woke up with the energy I lacked the day before, but I didn’t put it to good use. I daydreamed the afternoon away all the way into the night, and here I am.

Some part of me tells me I might never finish this post. With all the distractions of late.

Anyway, I no longer remember where i was going with this so I might just stop right here and let my clever readers figure out the rest.



Published 10/04/2014 by MoonieZ

Yes. Change is all around. Summer has given way to Autumn and Winter is around the corner, ready to arrive.

A few weeks ago, I suddenly had to stop going to the place of “work” I have been at, also known as the office. The Employment Agency had decided to close the whole business there due to reasons only they know. It all happened from one day to the next.

So, I had to make a choice of a new place of “work” from a list of providers of such services.  After a few days of thinking I found one place but they had no room for any more people so that was not an option. Then I found another place and decided to go there to check it out and then sign up for it.

But the Employment Agency wanted me to meet with people at another place, to see if that would be suitable for me.  I didn’t really like it because it was too far to travel there and back every day but I went to the meeting anyway.

Early this week I finally signed the paperwork to start at the place I wanted. Then the person in charge at  the Employment Agency seemed to be in no hurry to approve of  my choice which resulted in a lot of stress and confusion.

When I called to get some information, I was told I could “most likely” start at the new place on Monday, but I still have no paperwork to confirm this and the people at that place of “work” has not confirmed it. Still, I will go there on Monday morning and see how it all turns out.

The project I was working on at the old place, is now in the wind. Nobody will miss it, as it seems nobody really cared what came out of it.

At the new place I will not be working on my own choice of project, I will only be doing work assigned to me.  I suspect I will not like it as much as the things I used to do, but I might learn some new skills about how to make digital copies of photographs, maps and other old documents.

Whatever happens next, I still have only limited control of my own situation. Most of the power to control my life are in the hands of others. I follow the orders I get.

However, the newly elected government has promised to change the way the whole Employment Agency works, including the kind of service it provides to the unemployed. I have some hope things might get better once that happens.

Not much else to hope for. My job hunting still results in nothing.

July 2014

Published 07/03/2014 by MoonieZ


So the Summer refuses to warm up. Instead it offers chills, clouds and rain. I guess you can’t always get what you want.

Same goes for my life. It offers very little to be happy about but at least it isn’t all depressing. My present “work” is, though.

Since I had to leave the nice place I had been at for three years and start a new place, I haven’t been very happy about much. There is no real structure to that new place. Everyone is doing their own thing every day and its hard to find the drive to keep on going without any clear framework to hold everything in place. I have an official project to work on but no deadline and in fact it is already more or less a finished project,  but I still have to kind of pretend to be working on it. Most of my time I divide between job hunting and reading about the job market or topics related to things I’m interested in – like politics, food. cooking, television, history,  books, movies and music.

I miss what I used to do and where I used to be,  so much.

In a way everything about these government projects for the unemployed are on hold awaiting the outcome of the  general election in September. There might be a change of policy if the current parties in power are replaced by some of the opposing parties.

Outside of this “work” I find myself having little energy to do much of anything. I used to be able to do things around the house but not so much now. Still, I know have to do some things but they leave me exhausted more than ever before. I also had a certain momentum this past Winter to exercise more but after I changed places of “work”, I have lost that drive too. Probably I suffer from depression without really wanting to admit it. Maybe I ought to get some treatment for it even. Just that it scares me to even talk about mental problems. I’m afraid of the whole concept and also about how some people around me will react to it. They already think I’m lazy because I take longer to do things I used to do fast and easy and that I seem to lack interest and motivation to do much of anything.  Nobody seems to think I might actually be depressed or that it could be a reason behind my lack of energy.

Enough of the negative things.

Positive? What would those be these days? Some time to sleep. Some time to enjoy some television. movies and music. Time to be outdoors and relax. Good food. A few friends to talk to from time to time. That’s it.

This blog is now more than 9 years old. I know I have been mostly quiet lately and I doubt I will be more active unless something unexpected happens – like a new real job – or that I suddenly fall madly in love with the right person and find the feelings to be mutual.


Long time

Published 02/26/2014 by MoonieZ

Yes, I’m alive.

Have been thinking about writing something for this blog for some time now. Not gotten around to it due to too much going on around me, and my usual inability to decide what the next update should be like.

Positive, negative? Short, long? Little of everything it seems.

I’m changing my place of “work” next week. For three years I have been at the same office working on my projects. Next week I start at a new office at another location. Still don’t know exactly what it will be like but I have ideas for a new writing project so I’m sure I will have something to do there. Smaller place, fewer people. I hope I will have a nice desk and a decent workspace, even if the view from the windows will not be as good as the one I have had. No more lake view, just other buildings and roads. I think the time to travel will be almost the same, all by bus.

The public employment service had me stressed out almost to the point of breakdown in order to find this new place fast. I had a lot of places to go look at and it was hard to decide so quickly but once it was done I could return to normal. Now I only wish I will like it.

Life in general haven’t been so great lately. I find myself feeling anxious, have trouble sleeping and feel very worried about the future. I also feel very lonely and useless.

Not that I want to feel this way. I often try to tell myself to cheer up and bear it and keep on going but it has become harder to do for more than a day or two at a time.

The years have gone by so fast and I’m wondering if I will ever find a job again, and not only that but something to belong to, some kind of community. I’m feeling more of an outcast every day. Shut off from society, unwanted. For a long time I managed to keep all of that at bay but now I find myself letting go, giving in, giving up in a sense. What’s the use of trying again when every previous try ended in failure? I know, the next time could be different. I keep thinking that but perhaps I no longer really believe in it much.

And it isn’t just work. Life in general. Getting older. Wondering if this is all there is and all it is ever going to be until the day I die. What’s the point of living if that is true?

Keeps me awake at night, even when I’m so exhausted I should sleep. I worry about it all. I lack people to talk to about it. I feel like I shouldn’t mention it. Who cares anyway? I know I sometimes cringe and want to back away when someone tells me about personal problems, sometimes I really can’t be bothered. Simply because I lack the energy to be able to really care and listen. And sometimes because I can’t be of any real help  – all I can lend is my support. So why would anyone care to listen to my problems? Perhaps I think less of myself  because I feel sad and worried about life but so be it. This is how I feel right now. Probably depressed. Maybe I ought to seek out some treatment. I don’t know.

Maybe I will feel better when Spring comes around and the light returns. I try to get a lot of air and sunlight every day. I try to exercise. I have made changes to what and how much I eat and I try to get more sleep. I also know I will get through this too eventually. I always have in the past, but I was younger, had more to look forward to. Now I don’t see anything when I look ahead.

Still, I’m happy for the texts I was able to write for the office newsletter and that so many liked my contributions. It would have been fun to keep working with that project but the rules of the game are set and I have to switch to another place. Maybe I’ll be able to return after a year or two.

Time will tell. It always does.

My 2013: another wasted year

Published 12/28/2013 by MoonieZ

Yep, boys and girls, you did read that one right.

No sense in any false optimism. This year has pretty much gone by and been a total waste of time.

I started it being unemployed and poor and in pain. I end it mostly the same. No job, no money but with a lot less pain. Only good thing about it. My stomach isn’t giving me as much pain as it did at the start of the year.

During the year I have applied for hundreds of jobs, not even getting in for an interview for any of them. Of course I’ve spent hours and even days going over what I’m doing wrong, what can be improved and I have changed things around, tried new ways to express myself in my applications. Also looked at more types of work to see if that will help. Still no results to show but I keep on working on it.

At the office I’m now down to my last weeks of my stay there. I have to find another place to be at, because those are the rules of the unemployment game that have been set by our present administration. They believe in putting all the pressure of resolving unemployment on each individual and making it a simple case of it being only a matter of trying hard enough and it will be solved. Instead I prefer to think of unemployment as problem for the whole society to solve at the level of policy rather than at the level of each individual. However, what I think is not relevant. All I can do is follow the rules and keep working on not being out of work.

For the last few months I have been involved in the new office newsletter and have contributed  a few texts about cinema related topics. It has been a really fun experience and I’m sad it will soon end. My blog project has not made a lot of progress but I have lots of unfinished texts still around for it.

The most important result from my three years the office has been that I was able to finally finish my degree at the university. It only took 12 years longer than I had planned, but it doesn’t matter now that I have it. And I didn’t work toward it during most of these 12 years. I gave it up for a long time and without the help from the staff at the office I would never have got it done. But all of that happened in the first year. The second year was kind of a downhill ride into unfocused “work” and then all the stomach pains that stopped me from a lot of things I could have been doing better.  This third year started kind of dark and negative but through the summer I managed to find a new focus and motivate myself to get back into the game again. Then the newsletter project came along and I jumped on it.

Now I have to start the new year with finding a new place to be before my time at the office is up. I have no idea what will be available but I wish to find a place where I’ll have some control over what I’ll be doing and which will be suitable for developing the knowledge and skills I have so that I can use it to find a job.

Still, to have few days “off” for Christmas and New Years is very good for me. I feel the need to relax and find some new energy in order to get back on track for the new year and all the changes happening.

A really good thing during this year is all my friends from the internet. Don’t think I would be as strong without people to talk to and care about. Also my family and relatives have been there most of the time.

Music and movies and some television have provided distraction, entertainment but also ideas and renewed motivation to keep on going.

Good food has kept me alive and sometimes made life a little easier to live.

But, still the bottom line is that this year is another year wasted for me. Another year on the sidelines waiting to get back into the game. One more year on hold while everything and everybody rush on by leaving me behind.

Poverty is now a reality. Yes, I’m poor. I survive but that’s all I do. I have a budget for every month, I stick to it. What little room for anything extra there is, I use to take my mind away from my situation at times. No, I’m not taking drugs, I don’t smoke, I never touch alcohol and I don’t gamble. But I do what I do keep myself going.

So, that’s that.


One more for August

Published 08/28/2013 by MoonieZ

Summer has been amazing.

Relax, I’m talking about the weather.  June was ok, July awesome and August has been amazing.  Not at all like last summer when it rained every other day and some day in June was colder than Christmas or perhaps New Year’s Eve.

This year, after a really long snowy and mostly cold winter followed by a short spring, summer grew to become really wonderful. Just what this nation needed. Maybe all the sun and warm weather is the reason I haven’t been writing much on here. Maybe also the fact I haven’t had much to write about, but let’s stay on the positive side of things this time.

This week my brother the chef/drummer is coming to visit me. Been a year since last time so it’ll be nice to catch up on things.

A part from that, there’s not much going on. I’m still trying to find some work and I’m still spending my days at an office where I work on project that might help me find a real job.

Next month, I’ll be a year older again.  Later in September, my oldest nephew turns 40 years old. Soon he’ll catch up with me. Anyway I’m really proud of him because he’s running his own business directing and producing music videos and other projects while also taking care of his baby daughter.  From very early on he seems to have known what he wanted to do and then he simply followed his dream.

I wish I had some more of that kind of determination. However, I’ve never been able to really decide what I really want to do. I’m too easily distracted if I find something interesting while I’m already doing something else.

A story

Published 03/13/2013 by MoonieZ

Winter, 1968

Looking back at old photos, I see a kid about 2 years old sitting in the snow, laughing at the camera looking all happy.  I know it’s me but I can’t remember it. Sometimes I wonder if  that was me and where that happy kid disappeared to.

Growing up in an apartment in a row of low wooden buildings along a road in the middle of a forest area  close to the air force base where my father worked, I remember having friends to play with among the other kids down the road.

Soon enough I had only one really good friend.

It was a nice place to live in as a kid though. Lots of space, a vast forest  around, very little traffic on the few small roads and also the airplanes to look at through the fence to the airfield whenever there were nothing else to do.

Then when  I was about 5 years old, I  moved. My parents built a house in another area and I found myself in a new neighborhood. Found some new friends or at least other kids   to play with but mostly I still hung out with my friend from the old place.

We remained friends until around 12 years old, then we drifted away and went separate ways.  He found new friends and interests, I remained the same and kept to myself. I guess it was inevitable.

My teenage years I spent without any close friends or friends in general. Outside of school I sometimes spent time with some younger kids who hung around the neighborhood. Better than always being alone but at the same time not really good for me in the long run. I missed out on all the usual teenage stuff.

At school the bullying that had started when I was about 9 0r 10 years old only got worse. To avoid it all, I stayed mostly at home when not in school, in my room or in the backyard. I wrote stories, worked on comics, played, painted, dreamed, read books, listened to music, studied. Luckily my young nephew spent a lot of time at my house during those years so I wasn’t always on my own.


At 13 years old,1980

In high school things got a bit better over time. I got some friends in class I spent most of my time with during school hours. Also, I managed to get to know a girl. Some small steps towards a better life were taken. There was not a lot of bullying at this level but the damage had already been done in the past. All of this I have written about many times before on this blog. In this post, I’m trying to describe other things I have been thinking about a lot  lately.

Right after high school I got a job in a grocery store and started earning my own money. I had nice colleagues and liked to be working instead of studying. The plan had been to go to college right away but after I got the job I didn’t want to stop working. I figured higher education could wait.

Outside of  work, the friend situation remained the same. I had no friends outside of work. Only talked to my brothers, my nephew or my cousins.

Many times I thought about this situation and also tried to change it but at other times I didn’t bother. Instead, I told myself not to worry. It’ll get better with time.  Except it didn’t. Nothing changes by itself. Changes has to be made. I didn’t try hard enough. Or I gave up to soon. I don’t know.  One thing I know is that I often pretended there was no problem having no friends to hang out with on a Friday night, even though I thought it was a huge problem. I told myself I was better off being alone while I suffered from it at the same time. What else could I do to not drive myself crazy. Well, I wrote a lot of stories about people who weren’t lonely and miserable. People who made friends and found love and all the things I lacked but wanted. Except I didn’t know how to get any of it.

I switched jobs after less than two years. In those days a job was easy to find. I liked my new job. Still in a grocery store but closer to where I lived and with better pay and other benefits. Not long after starting there, I decided to stay in that job as long as possible, maybe for the rest of my working career. I was happy with what I had.

Outside of work, I remained alone and lonely. I started to go out more though. Visited museums, the cinema and concerts. Started travelling when I had saved enough money for tickets. I visited the UK and later made several trips to the United States. Life wasn’t so bad but it could be better, was what I kept thinking.

These being the days before the internet, my spare time visual entertainment was television, VHS movies and video games. Computers I knew almost nothing about and I didn’t even own one until I was 30 years old.

When I finally decided to go to college, I bought my first computer and got hooked up to the internet. At first I didn’t know what to make of the online world. It did take some time to understand how to use the internet and all other features of a computer. Soon I started to explore, made my first visits to chat rooms, learned about news groups and looked through home pages of all kinds. Learned some html coding and tried to set up a page of my own. However, most of the time online I searched for useful information related to my studies or I looked at porn. (Let’s be honest. At least, let me be honest: if it wasn’t for the porn industry, internet would not be what it is in many ways. That’s what I think anyway.)

I liked being in the academic world, at the university I felt at home from the start. There were always people to talk to about subjects that were interesting and intellectually stimulating. There I could also make use of my writing skills.

Outside of school hours, I still hade no real friends though. However on the internet things happened. I started to make  friends online, at chat rooms. How this happened I have written about before in great detail, on one of the pages of this blog. Those interested can easily find it for further reading.

It made me happy to have friends to talk to, even if “only” online. My life suddenly took a turn for the better. Even if I had medical problems and soon other problems too, for some years I was mostly happy about having friends. One online friend became a very close friend and really helped me to grow and change a lot of my thinking.

Without the internet, none of it would have happened. Sure, other things could have happened instead but that’s impossible to find out now.  All I know is that I don’t wish to change any of what happened, my only regrets are connected to what could have happened had I dared to do things I didn’t have the courage to try.

Then the disaster struck. I lost my job. At first I wasn’t too worried even though I knew it would be a tough time finding a new job. Soon enough, I learned how tough it really would be. I had managed to get through my father passing away from cancer, and through a struggle for years with my own medical problems but trying to get back into the working life has proved to be an even worse struggle. For a time it looked like I was saved when I got a job at a new store but it didn’t last and after that there has been no progress at all.

During these years of unemployment my personal finances have collapsed more or less, I’ve become really poor and even though I’m grateful to live in a country where there is still some welfare to keep me from a life on the streets begging for money, I can’t say I enjoy being forced to rely on the government for my survival. I’d prefer to work for a living as I did for many years in the past.

Without my friends online, I doubt I’d make it at all these days. My friends keep me sane, keep me from giving up when I feel like giving up (and I often feel that way). Thanks to my friends, I find some strength and motivation to keep on going even when it all seems hopeless. Thanks to my friends I can still laugh and smile and keep some dreams alive. I can still feel like a human being.

Sure, those are big words but that’s how it is.

From here there is only one way to go. Forward. That’s where I’m going.

Thanks for taking the time to read this. I didn’t write it for you, dear readers, I wrote this for myself. It’s the only way I know how to write.

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