Yes, I’m alive.
Have been thinking about writing something for this blog for some time now. Not gotten around to it due to too much going on around me, and my usual inability to decide what the next update should be like.
Positive, negative? Short, long? Little of everything it seems.
I’m changing my place of “work” next week. For three years I have been at the same office working on my projects. Next week I start at a new office at another location. Still don’t know exactly what it will be like but I have ideas for a new writing project so I’m sure I will have something to do there. Smaller place, fewer people. I hope I will have a nice desk and a decent workspace, even if the view from the windows will not be as good as the one I have had. No more lake view, just other buildings and roads. I think the time to travel will be almost the same, all by bus.
The public employment service had me stressed out almost to the point of breakdown in order to find this new place fast. I had a lot of places to go look at and it was hard to decide so quickly but once it was done I could return to normal. Now I only wish I will like it.
Life in general haven’t been so great lately. I find myself feeling anxious, have trouble sleeping and feel very worried about the future. I also feel very lonely and useless.
Not that I want to feel this way. I often try to tell myself to cheer up and bear it and keep on going but it has become harder to do for more than a day or two at a time.
The years have gone by so fast and I’m wondering if I will ever find a job again, and not only that but something to belong to, some kind of community. I’m feeling more of an outcast every day. Shut off from society, unwanted. For a long time I managed to keep all of that at bay but now I find myself letting go, giving in, giving up in a sense. What’s the use of trying again when every previous try ended in failure? I know, the next time could be different. I keep thinking that but perhaps I no longer really believe in it much.
And it isn’t just work. Life in general. Getting older. Wondering if this is all there is and all it is ever going to be until the day I die. What’s the point of living if that is true?
Keeps me awake at night, even when I’m so exhausted I should sleep. I worry about it all. I lack people to talk to about it. I feel like I shouldn’t mention it. Who cares anyway? I know I sometimes cringe and want to back away when someone tells me about personal problems, sometimes I really can’t be bothered. Simply because I lack the energy to be able to really care and listen. And sometimes because I can’t be of any real help – all I can lend is my support. So why would anyone care to listen to my problems? Perhaps I think less of myself because I feel sad and worried about life but so be it. This is how I feel right now. Probably depressed. Maybe I ought to seek out some treatment. I don’t know.
Maybe I will feel better when Spring comes around and the light returns. I try to get a lot of air and sunlight every day. I try to exercise. I have made changes to what and how much I eat and I try to get more sleep. I also know I will get through this too eventually. I always have in the past, but I was younger, had more to look forward to. Now I don’t see anything when I look ahead.
Still, I’m happy for the texts I was able to write for the office newsletter and that so many liked my contributions. It would have been fun to keep working with that project but the rules of the game are set and I have to switch to another place. Maybe I’ll be able to return after a year or two.
Time will tell. It always does.