work

All posts tagged work

November news

Published 11/04/2016 by MoonieZ

Howdy!

I’m still alive. Just not been able to update this blog for the last few months. Been busy elsewhere. Also not been in the mood for doing much writing.

Things I did has been bothering me. Recent events have been bothering me. My lack of discipline has been bothering me. Life bothers me.

I struggle to make changes to my way of living in order to feel better about myself. The things I have been looking for is not going to be found where I look for them. Probably I already knew, yet I tricked myself into thinking I didn’t one last time. Now the time has come to get up and go and leave it all behind as one last lesson learned.

So far it works pretty well. The more time passes it will be all good.

The first snow of the season came around this week. Brightened up the darkness a bit but I could still do without the cold weather. Too early for snow. Winter can wait until Spring. Still I prefer snow over rain. As long as it’s not snowing.When it is on the ground, I’m fine. As long as it isn’t too much to shovel away.

I spend most of my spare time playing video games lately. Or rather, a video game. GTA V.

First started around mid-August and now I’m at over 300 hours of playing time and at rank 90. At first I didn’t like the game much. That was while learning to control it. I was ready to throw it out but I didn’t give up and eventually I got to a point where I started to enjoy it.

Now I’m chasing the rank ups until I reach 120 (which will unlock all in-game content), then I will only play for the fun of playing.

Mainly my job is looking for work these days. Still without any progress but I keep writing my applications and look for any new places to apply to. I feel like I have already sent them to a lot of places but all I can do is keep at it.

In October one year had passed since my mother had a stroke and passed away. The day came and went and it was sad to feel the loss even more a year later. It has started to dawn on me that death really is forever. Of course I knew that but it’s not until it hits you for real that you really know how it feels.

Last month also marked my 10 years as being more or less out of work. Nothing to celebrate, but a fact.

Many times I doubt I will ever be working again. At least not full-time.

Well, that’s all folks!

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Better to not say too much

Published 06/03/2016 by MoonieZ

Sometimes, it serves one better to not say too much.

I learned that lesson again today. The news reached me that things I had counted on would not happen in the time I had been sure of before. I had to regret previous statements and feel pretty bad about it all.

On the other hand, this news was also good, because it confirmed that eventually what I have planned will actually happen. This made me stop worrying about the whole thing. Now I will only feel bad about it not happening the way I had hoped and planned.

Another thing: the weather. Been like the very height of Summer this week: warm and sunny. Almost like July and it’s only early June. There’s cold weather and rain on the way, so tomorrow (Friday) will be the last of the really great weather for a few days at least.

As much as I like the sun and warmth, it has been hard to sleep and not easy to get much work done without feeling exhausted. Still, there are not many days like these in a year so I should not complain too much. Soon the winter darkness and cold will return. Then I will miss these warm bright days.

On the other fronts, not much to report. Still looking for work, still having no luck. Still waiting for various authorities to make decisions and get things started. Still learning to live with knowing I have a disorder. At least I’m now getting some help to sort that out.

Life is starting to get back to some kind of order.

Sunday,May 22, 2016

Published 05/22/2016 by MoonieZ

Sunday.

Sunny as Saturday was but mostly cloudy,  I wasn’t much outside. The plan was to get some boring things done that really need doing but for which I have lost all motivation.

So, I’m seated here after midnight with all the work still to do. However, I will not start now. Instead, I’m off to sleep and then to dream.

When I wake up I really have to get my sh*t together, or there will be hell to pay later.

At least my worried mood from a few days ago has vanished. I got some help to get my brain back on track and for that I’m happy.

The struggle to keep my self in order is not easy and it takes a lot of energy away from me. Energy I could make better use of.

Friday night was a fun time though. I got to forget about all the problems and enjoy a few hours of good fun and laughter among other things.

I slept very well after that. All the way to the afternoon. Then I woke up with the energy I lacked the day before, but I didn’t put it to good use. I daydreamed the afternoon away all the way into the night, and here I am.

Some part of me tells me I might never finish this post. With all the distractions of late.

Anyway, I no longer remember where i was going with this so I might just stop right here and let my clever readers figure out the rest.

 

Changes

Published 10/04/2014 by MoonieZ

Yes. Change is all around. Summer has given way to Autumn and Winter is around the corner, ready to arrive.

A few weeks ago, I suddenly had to stop going to the place of “work” I have been at, also known as the office. The Employment Agency had decided to close the whole business there due to reasons only they know. It all happened from one day to the next.

So, I had to make a choice of a new place of “work” from a list of providers of such services.  After a few days of thinking I found one place but they had no room for any more people so that was not an option. Then I found another place and decided to go there to check it out and then sign up for it.

But the Employment Agency wanted me to meet with people at another place, to see if that would be suitable for me.  I didn’t really like it because it was too far to travel there and back every day but I went to the meeting anyway.

Early this week I finally signed the paperwork to start at the place I wanted. Then the person in charge at  the Employment Agency seemed to be in no hurry to approve of  my choice which resulted in a lot of stress and confusion.

When I called to get some information, I was told I could “most likely” start at the new place on Monday, but I still have no paperwork to confirm this and the people at that place of “work” has not confirmed it. Still, I will go there on Monday morning and see how it all turns out.

The project I was working on at the old place, is now in the wind. Nobody will miss it, as it seems nobody really cared what came out of it.

At the new place I will not be working on my own choice of project, I will only be doing work assigned to me.  I suspect I will not like it as much as the things I used to do, but I might learn some new skills about how to make digital copies of photographs, maps and other old documents.

Whatever happens next, I still have only limited control of my own situation. Most of the power to control my life are in the hands of others. I follow the orders I get.

However, the newly elected government has promised to change the way the whole Employment Agency works, including the kind of service it provides to the unemployed. I have some hope things might get better once that happens.

Not much else to hope for. My job hunting still results in nothing.

July 2014

Published 07/03/2014 by MoonieZ

Hey!

So the Summer refuses to warm up. Instead it offers chills, clouds and rain. I guess you can’t always get what you want.

Same goes for my life. It offers very little to be happy about but at least it isn’t all depressing. My present “work” is, though.

Since I had to leave the nice place I had been at for three years and start a new place, I haven’t been very happy about much. There is no real structure to that new place. Everyone is doing their own thing every day and its hard to find the drive to keep on going without any clear framework to hold everything in place. I have an official project to work on but no deadline and in fact it is already more or less a finished project,  but I still have to kind of pretend to be working on it. Most of my time I divide between job hunting and reading about the job market or topics related to things I’m interested in – like politics, food. cooking, television, history,  books, movies and music.

I miss what I used to do and where I used to be,  so much.

In a way everything about these government projects for the unemployed are on hold awaiting the outcome of the  general election in September. There might be a change of policy if the current parties in power are replaced by some of the opposing parties.

Outside of this “work” I find myself having little energy to do much of anything. I used to be able to do things around the house but not so much now. Still, I know have to do some things but they leave me exhausted more than ever before. I also had a certain momentum this past Winter to exercise more but after I changed places of “work”, I have lost that drive too. Probably I suffer from depression without really wanting to admit it. Maybe I ought to get some treatment for it even. Just that it scares me to even talk about mental problems. I’m afraid of the whole concept and also about how some people around me will react to it. They already think I’m lazy because I take longer to do things I used to do fast and easy and that I seem to lack interest and motivation to do much of anything.  Nobody seems to think I might actually be depressed or that it could be a reason behind my lack of energy.

Enough of the negative things.

Positive? What would those be these days? Some time to sleep. Some time to enjoy some television. movies and music. Time to be outdoors and relax. Good food. A few friends to talk to from time to time. That’s it.

This blog is now more than 9 years old. I know I have been mostly quiet lately and I doubt I will be more active unless something unexpected happens – like a new real job – or that I suddenly fall madly in love with the right person and find the feelings to be mutual.

 

Long time

Published 02/26/2014 by MoonieZ

Yes, I’m alive.

Have been thinking about writing something for this blog for some time now. Not gotten around to it due to too much going on around me, and my usual inability to decide what the next update should be like.

Positive, negative? Short, long? Little of everything it seems.

I’m changing my place of “work” next week. For three years I have been at the same office working on my projects. Next week I start at a new office at another location. Still don’t know exactly what it will be like but I have ideas for a new writing project so I’m sure I will have something to do there. Smaller place, fewer people. I hope I will have a nice desk and a decent workspace, even if the view from the windows will not be as good as the one I have had. No more lake view, just other buildings and roads. I think the time to travel will be almost the same, all by bus.

The public employment service had me stressed out almost to the point of breakdown in order to find this new place fast. I had a lot of places to go look at and it was hard to decide so quickly but once it was done I could return to normal. Now I only wish I will like it.

Life in general haven’t been so great lately. I find myself feeling anxious, have trouble sleeping and feel very worried about the future. I also feel very lonely and useless.

Not that I want to feel this way. I often try to tell myself to cheer up and bear it and keep on going but it has become harder to do for more than a day or two at a time.

The years have gone by so fast and I’m wondering if I will ever find a job again, and not only that but something to belong to, some kind of community. I’m feeling more of an outcast every day. Shut off from society, unwanted. For a long time I managed to keep all of that at bay but now I find myself letting go, giving in, giving up in a sense. What’s the use of trying again when every previous try ended in failure? I know, the next time could be different. I keep thinking that but perhaps I no longer really believe in it much.

And it isn’t just work. Life in general. Getting older. Wondering if this is all there is and all it is ever going to be until the day I die. What’s the point of living if that is true?

Keeps me awake at night, even when I’m so exhausted I should sleep. I worry about it all. I lack people to talk to about it. I feel like I shouldn’t mention it. Who cares anyway? I know I sometimes cringe and want to back away when someone tells me about personal problems, sometimes I really can’t be bothered. Simply because I lack the energy to be able to really care and listen. And sometimes because I can’t be of any real help  – all I can lend is my support. So why would anyone care to listen to my problems? Perhaps I think less of myself  because I feel sad and worried about life but so be it. This is how I feel right now. Probably depressed. Maybe I ought to seek out some treatment. I don’t know.

Maybe I will feel better when Spring comes around and the light returns. I try to get a lot of air and sunlight every day. I try to exercise. I have made changes to what and how much I eat and I try to get more sleep. I also know I will get through this too eventually. I always have in the past, but I was younger, had more to look forward to. Now I don’t see anything when I look ahead.

Still, I’m happy for the texts I was able to write for the office newsletter and that so many liked my contributions. It would have been fun to keep working with that project but the rules of the game are set and I have to switch to another place. Maybe I’ll be able to return after a year or two.

Time will tell. It always does.

My 2013: another wasted year

Published 12/28/2013 by MoonieZ

Yep, boys and girls, you did read that one right.

No sense in any false optimism. This year has pretty much gone by and been a total waste of time.

I started it being unemployed and poor and in pain. I end it mostly the same. No job, no money but with a lot less pain. Only good thing about it. My stomach isn’t giving me as much pain as it did at the start of the year.

During the year I have applied for hundreds of jobs, not even getting in for an interview for any of them. Of course I’ve spent hours and even days going over what I’m doing wrong, what can be improved and I have changed things around, tried new ways to express myself in my applications. Also looked at more types of work to see if that will help. Still no results to show but I keep on working on it.

At the office I’m now down to my last weeks of my stay there. I have to find another place to be at, because those are the rules of the unemployment game that have been set by our present administration. They believe in putting all the pressure of resolving unemployment on each individual and making it a simple case of it being only a matter of trying hard enough and it will be solved. Instead I prefer to think of unemployment as problem for the whole society to solve at the level of policy rather than at the level of each individual. However, what I think is not relevant. All I can do is follow the rules and keep working on not being out of work.

For the last few months I have been involved in the new office newsletter and have contributed  a few texts about cinema related topics. It has been a really fun experience and I’m sad it will soon end. My blog project has not made a lot of progress but I have lots of unfinished texts still around for it.

The most important result from my three years the office has been that I was able to finally finish my degree at the university. It only took 12 years longer than I had planned, but it doesn’t matter now that I have it. And I didn’t work toward it during most of these 12 years. I gave it up for a long time and without the help from the staff at the office I would never have got it done. But all of that happened in the first year. The second year was kind of a downhill ride into unfocused “work” and then all the stomach pains that stopped me from a lot of things I could have been doing better.  This third year started kind of dark and negative but through the summer I managed to find a new focus and motivate myself to get back into the game again. Then the newsletter project came along and I jumped on it.

Now I have to start the new year with finding a new place to be before my time at the office is up. I have no idea what will be available but I wish to find a place where I’ll have some control over what I’ll be doing and which will be suitable for developing the knowledge and skills I have so that I can use it to find a job.

Still, to have few days “off” for Christmas and New Years is very good for me. I feel the need to relax and find some new energy in order to get back on track for the new year and all the changes happening.

A really good thing during this year is all my friends from the internet. Don’t think I would be as strong without people to talk to and care about. Also my family and relatives have been there most of the time.

Music and movies and some television have provided distraction, entertainment but also ideas and renewed motivation to keep on going.

Good food has kept me alive and sometimes made life a little easier to live.

But, still the bottom line is that this year is another year wasted for me. Another year on the sidelines waiting to get back into the game. One more year on hold while everything and everybody rush on by leaving me behind.

Poverty is now a reality. Yes, I’m poor. I survive but that’s all I do. I have a budget for every month, I stick to it. What little room for anything extra there is, I use to take my mind away from my situation at times. No, I’m not taking drugs, I don’t smoke, I never touch alcohol and I don’t gamble. But I do what I do keep myself going.

So, that’s that.