mondays

All posts in the mondays category

That month again

Published 04/01/2013 by MoonieZ

Been a long time, so I thought it best to write something new for you all to chew on.  As this is the first day of the new month, my timing is as always perfect. Did I hear someone laughing? No? I thought so.

Anyway, the days since my last writing here have been very normal. Ordinary. I’ve been getting up in the morning, got on the buses and trains, arrived at the place of “work” – the office, made some progress at various projects, surfed the interwebs and got back home in time for dinner. Nothing to write to home about.

My evenings have been much the same. Spent watching tv shows, movies and the occasional amateur sex video when not  listening to  music, surfing the web and/or tweeting or tumblr-ing or hanging about in some chatroom.  Here and there the odd act of masturbation has taken place. Not often though, and not in public.

My nights have been spent sleeping and sometimes dreaming. What my dreams have been about I’m not at liberty to discuss with you lot. Why? Well, I can’t remember any of them. That’s why. Unless you think I’m keeping secrets.

The spring is on hold. Days are cold and nights are even colder. Snow melts very slowly due to the cold weather no matter how bright the sun is.

For your information there are no jokes in this update so have no fear of April Fools when reading this.

Easter holiday ends today. This long weekend has been rather dull.  However, I have had some time to rest and recharge my worn-out self somewhat. Now I’m ready for whatever April will throw at me.

 

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Lots of things to do

Published 11/12/2012 by MoonieZ

Don’t know where to start. Or, I know where to start. I have already started, but I’m not sure of where I will end up with it all. Some writing left to do on a very long update that will be published soon on this very blog. It deals with some issues I’ve had for many years and how I think I may have solved them or perhaps at least made them less of a problem through the help some good people I have had the good fortune to interact with thanks to the internet.

Anyway, all of this will be revealed soon and I do hope it will also make some sense for my readers and not only for me.

My Monday is going along at a steady slow pace. I haven’t done as much work as I thought I would. My morning was partly disrupted by some stomach ache/pain but later on I got better and now I feel good. However, tomorrow at the office I’ll have some catching up to do.

Been watching the latest episode of Dexter and I have to honestly confess I’m still not very thrilled by this season. Sure, there are some interesting things going on but I don’t feel very excited about the storyline so far. Some of the things happening are very predictable and the surprises are few. However, as the middle of the season is reached things usually start to heat up so maybe the second half will still be better. One thing I know already is that this season is far from the best season ever.

 

Demons

Published 11/05/2012 by MoonieZ

I spent the better part of last week and today revisiting some old demons. Or maybe they revisited me. I’m not sure it really matters who revisited who, I only know that I know these demons very well by now and they know me. Same old ones all the time and they all know how to come back to haunt me.

Insecurity, self-hate and pain. Are just a few of them.

For most of my life they have been around. Sometimes far away in the background and sometimes right in my face. I fight them off, they come back. I surrender to them, they have a party in my lost soul while my mind is blown away or simply asleep.

They bring me nightmares. Make me tired, depressed. Ruin my sleep by waking me up every two hours. Invade my hope and desires, only to laugh at them.

Yet I know they never stay for very long. After a few days or maybe a week they get bored and decide to take a vacation.

So then they stay gone long enough for my tormented soul to recover and almost forget the agony of their last visit. Somehow they sense when this happens and decide to return in force.

Well, sometimes I invite them over and they are always happy to accept. Except ‘happy’ isn’t exactly how I’m feeling when I invite them.  Why do I keep on doing it? Good question. Been asking it myself many times over.

Always telling myself this is the last time, never again will I let this happen. Next time they come knocking, the door will stay closed.  Not so easy. I can’t help to let them back in. Even though I feel really sad and depressed by their visit, they do keep me company in my misery.

Pathetic, isn’t it?

Late in the evening

Published 10/22/2012 by MoonieZ

Been eating too much. I always do when I’m not feeling too happy about life or about myself.

Today has been such a depressing day. The weather was not too bad. Cloudy. Not the reason for feeling unhappy. In my previous update I made an effort to explain the whole issue but I probably didn’t make much sense.  Anyway, I’m not about to try making sense now. I said what was on my mind at the time.

Looking back on my weekend, it was ok. Friday was good. I had a nice time seeing a friend in a chatroom. Friday night was the night before her birthday, so it was a special occasion. Even though I almost missed the whole thing due to being asleep and not hearing my alarm. Somehow I did eventually manage to wake up and get to my computer. So Friday night and early Saturday was good. I slept a long time after all of that.

The rest of my Saturday was also rather good. I had a  visit by my nephew and his baby daughter. Spent the afternoon with them and with my mother.

In the evening I watched tv and listened to music. Probably spent some time reading tweets and looking at my Tumblr dashboard too. Went to sleep late, kind of slightly worried, then slept a really long time and woke up not really wanting to get up.  Weather was gloomy. A lot of rain. Didn’t go out for the whole day. Spent my time reading, watching movies, tweeting and listening to music.

Thought about writing something for the blog but didn’t like what I wrote. Then had a shower and washed my hair before going to sleep rather late. Had trouble falling asleep as I had too many thoughts running around in my mind.

Woke up this morning feeling not so great. Which brings me back to what I wrote earlier today so now I’m going to leave that subject behind. There’s nothing I can do to change anything anyway. What has been, has been. It’s history. I’m moving on.

Surely I understand that feeling depressed about this thing is making it into too big an issue. It all boils down to me and my reaction to things that don’t happen the way I expect them to. That’s all there is. I know I am probably better off not reacting the way I do but it’s too late, I have already reacted. I feel the way I do and I will feel that way until I stop feeling that way and start feeling something else.

Some new people started at the office today, but mostly it was business as usual over there. I spent my time reading and writing some stuff I had planned and then I went back home at the usual time.

At home after a long ride on crowded buses, I had a pizza which I heated in the oven. Then I should have stopped eating but I had some potato snacks and dip during the evening. I also drank a lot of iced tea.

Now, about a quarter to midnight, I will finish this little rant and go to sleep. I hope I will sleep better tonight. For some reason I just feel like leaving my depressed feeling behind. And all thoughts too. I hope I will.

When I return with the next update, I hope it will be something happy or at least different.

 

More Monday misery

Published 10/22/2012 by MoonieZ

Yesterday, I started writing an update for this blog, but I didn’t finish it or publish it. Why? I didn’t like it. Wasn’t good enough.

I had trouble sleeping last night. Something was keeping me awake, thinking.

The thought about how I do things and hope they will be a certain way or result in something good and then when nothing happens, I feel like I failed. It depresses me.

Maybe in this case, I’m wrong to think of it as a failure, because I did what I wanted to do and everything was good except the final result did not happen. Yet. So in a way it failed anyway, but mostly in my mind.

Shouldn’t let it trouble me as it is such a small matter but when you make plans and want to do good and it ends in nothing, you may feel somewhat disappointed for a moment. On the other hand, it’s not anyones fault, just something that happens sometimes.

Things don’t always go exactly as planned and it can still be good in the end. So, I just have to let it go and move on.

And I also have to keep in mind why I did it. Not for me or my selfish satisfaction, but for the happiness of somebody else. So, if they are happy with it, then all is well anyway.

Yet, I still had trouble sleeping and felt sad and like a failure. Would be stupid to deny that.

“Allow yourself to feel uncomfortable for a while, especially if you’re thinking about things that cannot be changed,” is what my horoscope for today says, and for once it’s right on the money. That’s how I feel today.

All that

Published 08/06/2012 by MoonieZ

 

All that I wanted, hoped, wished, dreamed.

At some moments I stop to think about what I got. And about what I didn’t get. What I haven’t got. What I will never have.

True, I don’t know what will be. I can’t turn back time and change the past. All there is, is the here and now. For better or worse.

Still, when I happen to see what could be and know what could have been, I can’t help to wonder why it didn’t happen. Why it can’t be. What it could be instead. What can be if what I want can’t be? Can I accept what there is and not feel like what there isn’t is always better? Be happy in the here and now with the way it is – why does it seem more and more like a challenge I do not want?

Probably because I have no – or very few – options. I have to be where I’m at because that’s all there is.

I do my best to see a way to get to where I want to be but that road is a long and winding one at best and at worst no road at all.

Holding my head high is not always easy or even possible. Still, I feel no shame when I don’t. I feel no shame to want what I can’t have or wish things would change to make the impossible option possible. I dare to dream the impossible dream. Still. It keeps me going. That little dream. Against reason.

What if I stopped. Can’t. If I let the dream go, I will have nothing. Perhaps I have nothing now but without the dream of something, I will truly have nothing at all.

My life is the way it is. Serves me not to look at life around me and wish it was mine when it isn’t. Wishes are only wishes. What’s real is what counts.

I’ve never known any other life than the life I have. The loner’s life. For a long time I convinced myself it was as good a life as any. Not sure anymore. I wish the years I have behind me would have been years I had shared with someone.

Sure I have experiences shared by others but not with anyone really close. That special one that I can’t seem to find. All I think of lately is time running out. Time having run out. While I’m still in the same spot and looking at time running. Wishing I could run along with it. Or rather wanting to stop it so there’ll still be time left for me to find what I’m still looking for.

NO. All is a mess. Better to leave it alone.

 

 

Best Monday ever!

Published 08/06/2012 by MoonieZ

No. I’m so sorry. I’m just kidding. This Monday is not the best ever. In fact, I don’t know any Monday that would qualify as the best ever. My Mondays have been average, sometimes ok but not above that. Today, the first Monday of August, is no exception to the rule.

I have to admit I’m feeling pretty good right now though. I have a tall glass of ice tea close by and I’m sitting in a rather cool office. When I say cool, I mean the air in the room and not the location. Getting ready to start being productive.

The weather today is cloudy but still warm, about 20 degrees Celsius. It will probably rain later but I hope it won’t be too heavy.

My weekend was ok and I will not write more about it as I have posted both on Saturday and Sunday already. Those interested need only scroll down a bit to read those posts.

However, I’m not really too pleased with the post I wrote yesterday. It wasn’t one of my better ones. So, today I promise not to mention the word “wanking” anywhere in my text. Ok, it seems I already did. Sorry.

No wanking for me today. At least not until the evening.

I can see where this is going. 

No, you can’t. That was just a small mistake.

Sure. 

Anyway, last night I watched the movie Madagascar – it was funny and I had some good laughs. The penguins were really cool.

I also watched another episode of Louie but didn’t find it too funny this time. Robin Williams made a fine guest appearance though.

After watching a thrilling late night beach volleyball game from the Olympics, I went to sleep and slept until almost 6am. Then woke up for a  bit before falling asleep again and woke up at 7:15 am.

Got up, got dressed, brushed teeth, washed face and headed for the bus stop. Bus was on time, train was on time and almost no crowds.  I arrived to the office, set my stuff up, went to get a glass and some cold water for my ice tea (peach & mango flavour). Put a tea bag in the water and waited for the tea to brew while starting up the computer and later checking the news and my twitter timeline.

Decided to write this blog update and started writing it.

Now I’m done.