mother

All posts tagged mother

Lost but never forgotten

Published 05/15/2017 by MoonieZ
2017-02-26_124

Dad at 43 years old.1967

Well, Dad, 22 years has passed now without you around to help me. I never thought I would make it this far but here I am. Of course, Mom was a great help for 20 of those years, but now I’m going to have to make it on my own for the rest of my days.

You gave me a great start and I’m forever thankful for the years I got to share with you along with everything I learned from you. You are forever in my thoughts and I will always remember you and all that you did for us all – family, relatives and friends.

Today, May 15, would have been your 93rd birthday and I wanted to write this to express how much you mean to me and how much I miss you and most of all how much I love you, always.

You got to live your dream, so today I hope you take Mom with you and go for a nice flight since flying was your life.

November news

Published 11/04/2016 by MoonieZ

Howdy!

I’m still alive. Just not been able to update this blog for the last few months. Been busy elsewhere. Also not been in the mood for doing much writing.

Things I did has been bothering me. Recent events have been bothering me. My lack of discipline has been bothering me. Life bothers me.

I struggle to make changes to my way of living in order to feel better about myself. The things I have been looking for is not going to be found where I look for them. Probably I already knew, yet I tricked myself into thinking I didn’t one last time. Now the time has come to get up and go and leave it all behind as one last lesson learned.

So far it works pretty well. The more time passes it will be all good.

The first snow of the season came around this week. Brightened up the darkness a bit but I could still do without the cold weather. Too early for snow. Winter can wait until Spring. Still I prefer snow over rain. As long as it’s not snowing.When it is on the ground, I’m fine. As long as it isn’t too much to shovel away.

I spend most of my spare time playing video games lately. Or rather, a video game. GTA V.

First started around mid-August and now I’m at over 300 hours of playing time and at rank 90. At first I didn’t like the game much. That was while learning to control it. I was ready to throw it out but I didn’t give up and eventually I got to a point where I started to enjoy it.

Now I’m chasing the rank ups until I reach 120 (which will unlock all in-game content), then I will only play for the fun of playing.

Mainly my job is looking for work these days. Still without any progress but I keep writing my applications and look for any new places to apply to. I feel like I have already sent them to a lot of places but all I can do is keep at it.

In October one year had passed since my mother had a stroke and passed away. The day came and went and it was sad to feel the loss even more a year later. It has started to dawn on me that death really is forever. Of course I knew that but it’s not until it hits you for real that you really know how it feels.

Last month also marked my 10 years as being more or less out of work. Nothing to celebrate, but a fact.

Many times I doubt I will ever be working again. At least not full-time.

Well, that’s all folks!

New name same me

Published 07/13/2016 by MoonieZ

I changed the name of this blog. Mostly because I felt like it was time to own up to it being mostly about me and my misery. I don’t put my real name on it for reasons of privacy. Perhaps it don’t matter anymore but I’m not ready to use my real name anywhere on the blog yet. It has been alive for 11 years all the same.

The greatest story never known is my way of saying I’m still trying to get my 15 minutes in the limelight, my time to shine. Also a way of saying that most people never have much of an audience for their writings or stories. Yet, many people write on a daily basis.

My mother kept a journal for decades. A few notes about what happened each day, what she cooked for dinner, the weather and other things. Sometimes she also noted how she was feeling on a particular day and what she was thinking of.

She often told me to burn all the journals, letters and other writings left by her and my father, but I said I wouldn’t do that. Our family history should be preserved, was my reason. I still stand by it. Even if no one will ever read any of it even once, I think it shouldn’t be destroyed.

Maybe you think I ought to respect her wish to destroy it all, and I would if she had written  it in a will and made it official. Now that didn’t happen.

Anyway, I’m digressing as usual. What will happen with this blog when I’m gone? I hope someone will make sure to not let all the posts go to waste.

 

Untitled

Published 05/28/2016 by MoonieZ

Hello!

I’m back to haunt you once more. Just when you thought it safe to return to this deserted blog on the edge of town. Not far from the darkness that dwells there.

Anyway, I’ve had some interesting days to say the least.

Many laps around the rollercoaster called life lately. Many different feelings. Highs and lows.

Some matters have been resolved, some are pending and some remains to be seen where they end up.

Still, the question of where to live, where to move to, remains ro be resolved. I’m still not sure what I really want to do but I’m not alone in making the change. My brothers have a say in it also.

Getting help from the municipality seems to be a long struggle where the eventual outcome is highly uncertain.

Finding a place to rent is not easy, and buying one in the current market is very expensive. So, to make a long story short, I’m kind of stuck where I am for the time being.

I feel a lot of stress due to this situation, and I’m not sure anyone else really understand how I feel. My ASD is not making having an uncertain future any easier or less stressful.

Luckily I have some nice people to communicate with who help take my mind off of the stress and let me have fun and enjoy myself. I’m very  grateful to have them around.

Perhaps I could manage without friends but I feel it makes life easier to have a few. Most of my life I haven’t had many friends. Most of the time only one or two or none at all.

I don’t find friends easily, and I have some trouble keeping them. I have trouble with social interactions and don’t like being around many people at once.

One at a time, works best for me. Not always easy to explain to everyone I happen to meet.

Summer is around the corner. Some beautiful warm days have already passed by but I hope the best is yet to come.

Then there is the matter of grief. One thinks it will fade away through the passing of time but it doesn’t work that way. I’d say it starts to sink its claws in you when you think it has disappeared. Every month around the 22nd, I have a minor breakdown. I think I will always feel that way. I know I will always miss my parents, and perhaps my mother more than my father because I spent more time with my mother and because my mother’s passing happened so fast. There was no way to say goodbye.

I find that music helps a lot to sort out all kinds of feelings.

Emotions

Published 05/18/2016 by MoonieZ

Hey, readers!

Been a few emotional days lately. For me. What it has been like for you, I haven’t got a clue about.

Anyway, yesterday I helped put my mother (or her ashes) in her final resting place next to my father.

Me and my brothers were all gathered for the simple ceremony of carrying the wooden urn from the church to the grave. My maternal uncle and my oldest nephew were also present. I was the one to set the urn into the ground. Somehow, after doing that I felt all at peace. I knew that it was all done, the interment was the final step in the whole burial ceremony. Now, I can move on forward. A kind of relief.

After a coffee break at the local coffee-house, I spent the rest of the day with my brother the drummer/chef. We talked, cooked dinner, listened to music and relaxed.

This morning I woke up rather early and spent a few hours talking to my brother until our uncle called and invited us out for lunch.

We went by car to a nice restaurant and had a nice lunch, including dessert and coffee. Then some grocery shopping before heading home. The weather today has been fabulous. Sunny and warm.

My brother has gone to see an old friend from his youth, and I’ve had a few slush mojitos before starting to write this rather dull update.

All that remains is to end it.

Oh, I know the headline is “Emotions” but I think the emotions are present without being spelled out. Then again, I could be wrong.

 

Time, the killer

Published 05/01/2016 by MoonieZ

You got time to kill, you say.
Wrong, I say. Time can’t be killed. Time kills you.

I’m wrong? I doubt it. I see time killing every day. When I look in my mirror.

What a way to welcome back May. The only way. Been a year. What a year.
A year ago my “work” ended at the last place I was at. Due to my depression and suicide thoughts. Mostly it ended because the place didn’t want to be responsible if I would suddenly jump out a window or harm myself or someone else around there. No problem, I have forgiven them.

After a long time of waiting, I got the Employment Agency to start looking into giving me some more help. After I got my ASD diagnosis earlier this year, I was supposed to get to start at a place of work. But so far nothing has happened. I have asked why more than once but all I get is that they will look into the case. Also new people keep taking over my case.

Anyway, today is the first day of the beautiful month of May. May was my mother’s name. It feels strange to not have her around. So I celebrate her memory by thinking of her throughout the month. Also, the 15th of May is my father’s birthday. He would have been 92 this year, the same age as my mother.

The other day I felt very sad thinking about how much I miss my parents. Then I decided to start getting my life back on track, as it would be the best way to honor their memory. Not by sitting around feeling helpless, even if that feels “better” sometimes.

So far I haven’t done much but I take it step by step.

And still, life goes on

Published 01/22/2016 by MoonieZ

Howdy, readers!

Been a long time. Once again. I don’t get around to writing much here anymore. Not that I don’t think about it. I do. Almost every day. Or mostly, every night. But, and that’s a no small but, I keep forgetting what I thought of when I get around to write.

So, I end up with this kind of text that you are now reading. Not my best effort but enough to fill out some space.

Life came to a halt last October, on this very date. I know, it didn’t actually stop then, it just feels like it has. Life still moves along, in the background. Just as it always has, and always will. So what, if I feel like my life stopped on that day. It didn’t. But it changed forever, that much is true.

Now, I’m trying to learn to live on my own. Alone in the world. I can’t say it has been easy, but I’m getting along. Small steps.One at a time.

But, today I miss my mother, as I’m sure I will every month around this date for the rest of my life.  Of course I also miss my father but I have had 20 years to learn to handle that loss. Return in 20 years from now and check how I handle the loss of my mother.

If I still run this blog 20 years from now. In June, I will celebrate 11 years of blogging. Amazing, I never thought I’d carry on this long.

Not surprising, I have run out of steam a bit. I barely manage one post per month now. I’m more  active at Twitter and Tumblr.

That said, I still like my blog enough to keep it up and running, and I’m happy for the readers I have.

The end is near

Published 12/31/2015 by MoonieZ

Goodbye to 2015.

What a year, If I had known this time last year what 2015 would be like, I would have stopped time one minute before midnight and let 2014 repeat itself.

My 2015 started with serious suicide thoughts and a depression that needed medical attention. After that long struggle through the Winter, Spring and Summer I had my 48th birthday in September and started to have some hope of a better end to the year.

As soon as I started to think that things could start to be better, however, the next blow came around.

In October my dear mother suffered a major brain hemorrhage she couldn’t recover from and passed away after spending a week at the hospital.

Suddenly my whole life turned upside down and inside out. I’m still trying to get myself back to working order.  I know it happened, but at times it all still feels unreal. Like a long dream I’m waiting to wake up from.

I spent Christmas with one of my cousins and her family and other relatives. Not being alone on Christmas eve was nice. But it didn’t really feel like Christmas. I don’t think Christmas will ever be the same as it was before.

On the employment front there is not much to tell. I’m still looking for work.

The examination to determine my possible neuropsychiatric disorder will start soon and when that is all over and done, I hope I will be able to get some more help and support in order to find some work and to sort out my life.

I still hope 2016 will be a better year and the start of a happier life for me.

Happy New Year, readers! May 2016 be a wonderful year for all of us!

Dark times

Published 11/17/2015 by MoonieZ

In this darkness I may disappear

So the funeral came and went. A simple straight-forward ceremony.  A farewell to 91 years of a life. Memories. All that remains of a human being will finally be a small amount of ashes.

The family gathered. The relatives. Some old friends.

Music. A few words from the young priest. A last farewell by the coffin. Later some coffee at a place near the church. Some talking but also a lot of looking at nothing while being caught up in one’s thoughts.

What remains is to deal with all the practical matters.

Life goes on.

Death sucks, but we have to live with it

Published 11/04/2015 by MoonieZ

Dear readers,

My activity around here has been low lately. There are reasons.

One very big reason is that my life changed last month on the 13th, in the afternoon, when my dear mother suffered a major stroke she would eventually not manage recover from. Little did I know about the outcome as I was busy helping her get back inside her house and then calling the emergency service. The ambulance arrived very fast and from then on she got the best possible care and treatment at the hospital until the moment on the 22nd when she passed away very calm and at peace. No drama, no pain. Just a very old woman sleeping the eternal sleep. Coming to rest. Leaving us three sons behind to deal with the pain and sorrow of loss.

I find comfort in the fact that she didn’t suffer and that she got to have a long life (91 years) of almost no major medical problems or need of much aid to take care of herself. She was busy with her usual garden work when the stroke hit. I’m only glad I was around to help her so that she didn’t have to be alone when it happened.

Through this I have had a very strong feeling of peace. Not at all like the time 20 years ago when my father passed away. That was worse somehow. Probably because I was still young and that it was my first real close encounter with the death of a parent. I had no idea about anything then. This time I knew what to expect. I knew what it would feel like. Also, my father was ill and in treatment for almost a year before he passed. He had a lot of pain at times and it was a very drawn out end. Probably also a reason why it hit me so hard.

Of course I’m sad and of course I miss my mother but I was ready for her passing in a way because it is a part of life that it eventually ends and I knew that with each year the end was coming a little closer. Sure, I would very much like to still have my mom around but not if it means she would not have a good quality of life or would not be able to do the things she loved. I wouldn’t want that at all. It wouldn’t be fair.

Anyway, this is just a bit of information for my readers so I will not elaborate any further.

Stay safe and take care of yourselves and your loved ones.

Things can change so fast.

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