Right. This may be a total surprise to some readers, but the story has to be told. Well, it hasn’t got to be told but I feel like telling it. So I will. My blog, my rules. OK?
This is the story of the one and only date I’ve ever had – yet.
Was it a “date” date? It was. Because I did ask the girl out to go see a movie. I did it in a letter I sent. However, she then called me to set up the day and time which makes me a wimp for not doing it myself.
This happened more than 25 years ago so don’t judge me too harshly. I haven’t improved much since then. I’m still the same shy, awkward type of fella as I was then. Anyway, I was a teen of 19 so what could I expect of myself? Don’t answer that.
I even remember the name of the movie: The Mosquito Coast , starring among others Harrison Ford, Helen Mirren and River Phoenix.
Why that movie? Simple: the girl was a fan of Harrison Ford at the time – and so was I. So the choice of movie was easy.
Why a date at all? Well, it was my idea. She accepted, even though she was already seeing some guy she had met while studying Spanish in Spain. She also knew I had been madly in love with her for a year or more and she probably had some pity for me, the eternal loser. Or, I don’t know. I never asked and she never told me any real reason why she accepted. Probably she went along because she still liked me as a friend and wanted to see the movie.
I am pretty sure it was winter when all this happened. Somehow I can’t remember what month but I know it must have been after our graduation from highschool. So that means it was probably early 1987.
Where I picked her up, I’m not sure about. Probably not at her house. Most likely we met at the train station in the city and then walked to the cinema together. I don’t remember anything we talked about before the movie started. All I remember is paying for the tickets and feeling kind of silly when I refused to let her pay her own way. You can see where this is going, right?
In the theater, we got our seats and then I can only remember awkward silence while the film screened. At one point I looked over and noticed she was asleep. While I sat through the whole film knowing that this was as close as I would ever get to her- the girl of my dreams at that point – and who I thought was the love of my life. Little did I know then – and now.
Had I known anything about my future in terms of relations with women, I probably would have thrown myself under a train that same night. No, I’m not serious about that last point. Things got somewhat better. Sort of.
I didn’t get to go on any more dates but I did meet some nice women along the way, even though I often thought I never would.
Not many, but a few. And a few of those few, I actually liked and even fewer I felt kind of in love with. Of course they didn’t feel that way about me. At least not any of the ones I told about my feelings. The ones I told were very few. Very few. The ones I loved were also very few.
It’s not like I go around and see some girl once, from a distance, and then fall madly in love. Not like that at all. Most of the time it takes some time and some kind of communication, some kind of friendly interaction, some getting to know her, before I will even consider the possibility of feelings. And for me to feel in love, it takes a lot more than just a hello, a pretty face and a cute smile. At least I think that’s how it works but I might be mistaken.
Anyway, I’m drifting away from the point of this story.
The point is my fear of women. I wasn’t aware of this fear at the time of my one and only date, to date, but I learned it later even though I refused to accept it for many years after learning about it too.
I mean, what grown man would want to admit he’s afraid of women? Do you know of anyone? I only know of one – me. I’m scared of women. That’s my problem.
Now I will try to make this long story short but it might still be hard to understand. This is the first time I really try to tell it so I hope you will not judge me too harshly if I don’t manage to make sense.
However, this part of the story will follow in a separate post as it is still not written. I have been kind of lazy during the holidays and I’m still not sure what it is that I really want to tell the world about this subject.