Webcam

All posts tagged Webcam

A funny thing happened

Published 06/24/2012 by MoonieZ

No it didn’t.

Simply had to use that headline because I have no imagination left. I want to write something really interesting, entertaining and funny but all I come up with is monster mash and cat vomit. Not much fun in that.

So, what else is not new? That I am a bit strange. Not odd. Strange. However I’m working on being not strange. As if that would be better. It would at least be normal.

I woke up early this morning. I had a nice dream. Not sure what about but I woke up feeling nice inside. Sort of happy.

For some reason, or lack of reason, that feeling made me remember when most people in a chat room I used to visit thought I was gay. No offence to gay persons of any sex, but I know I am not gay, or bi, because nothing in this world attracts me more than a woman.

Or, well, sometimes a very good meal can be more attractive but let’s not derail ourselves here. Not too much at least.  Which leads me to think maybe I seem gay to some very straight people because to them I act or express myself rather like a gay person would from their point of view. That’s the only way I can understand it.

I had a gay friend on the internet for some years. He acted like any person would. Nothing like I thought a gay person would. But he told me he was gay and I had no reason to suspect he wasn’t, but I still didn’t find him to be different from any other friend I’ve had. Except maybe that it was easier to talk to him compared to the supposedly straight guys I also talked to from time to time.

I guess to some of the other straight guys I was a threat in the battle we all fought to gain the attention of the model on cam, in whose chat room we all gathered night after night to chat time away. Or something of that nature.

To be honest, I never liked to compete with anyone for anyone’s attention online or offline or anywhere. Sure, it’s a flaw to not be a very competitive kind of person but I’ve never liked to compete because I’ve never learned to lose without losing my face. I can’t take it on the chin like a man and move on. Instead I often want to end my life instantly. To rid me of the pain of loss I refuse to compete and let everyone else worry about that.

I have taken part in competitions but always had that fear of being devastated if I lost, which I almost always did. Still, those times I really wanted to be in the competition. Because winning would have been priceless.

Back to the matter of my supposed gayness. I can see why the question appeared in my offline life as early as in school when I was only still entering puberty. I was the guy in the back of the room, with the long hair, who tried to hide from being noticed and who was the target of almost everyone’s ridicule.

Skolfest_1980

About to party, 1983

I read books about hobbits and talking animals, I made strange drawings of ducks,smurfs, rabbits and of characters from Star Wars and  the Asterix comics, I wrote strange stories and I listened to weird music.  I played with dolls. And I let my hair grow to down below my shoulders. I didn’t participate in any fighting or sports. I had only one friend – a guy. Only got to play with the girls during recess, or be all alone, because none of the guys wanted me around. Of course I must be gay. Maybe that’s why my childhood friend stopped seeing me once we got into our teens. I always thought it was because I was such a nerd but perhaps I seemed like a gay sissy too.

Anyway, it didn’t bother me what anyone thought. I always knew who and what I am. Again, I have nothing against homosexuality, I’m just not in that closet waiting to come out. However, I suspect some of the boys and later men who have called me gay may have had a closet of their own to deal with coming out of. I’m only guessing.

Mostly though, I think they were only trying to intimidate me or insult me or perhaps they were jealous of me having better luck talking to some of the women because I was able to make decent conversation. At least I could in a chat room but certainly not while I was in school. In those days I was terrified of talking to any girl for whatever reason. And when I say terrified, I mean terrified. Torture seemed like a better alternative.

This little story stopped making sense long ago. I’m aware of that. However – I’m getting close to the end of it now so you have only a few more sentences to read yet. A few more sentences like this one, which starts off like it will be leading you towards some sort of meaning at the other end but in fact it just stops suddenly. Annoying, isn’t it? I should know, it happens to me all the time. How and why, are not valid questions at this time.

The end.

Advertisements

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Published 03/06/2012 by MoonieZ

Yesterday, or perhaps the day before, I almost wrote something stupid on this blog. Again. However, after almost finishing the post I realized it would not do any good to publish it. Also, it was below my usual standards.

The topic was webcam chat sites and what happens there. I decided I’ve written enough about this topic and my views remain the same as last time I wrote something about the subject. However, recently I have been thinking about my many years spent dealing with this subject and the various experiences I’ve had.

What once started out of curiosity and as a way to pass some time, became a way of life over time. For some years it was even an obsession. Leading to many different results both good and bad. I wouldn’t want to be without this experience but the last few months I have been feeling it’s time to move on. In a way I already have. I spend much less time at the site now. I have other things to do in my spare time. Much of the change can be found in the fact that I have very few people to talk to at the site and that the times when I do are few and far between. I’m no longer looking to get to know any new people as I don’t feel like it and don’t know  why I would want to. The people I still know are good enough to keep in touch with. In the years past I often looked for new people to talk to and sometimes I found new friends online. I was a different person then. I was more outgoing, felt more safe and secure in my life and I had a better income. All in all, I found it easy and fun and didn’t have too many things to worry about. What I did have to worry about were enough but in those days I could forget my problems and have fun while being in chatrooms. Now I find myself having trouble to let go of my problems and enjoy myself. I don’t even know what to talk about most of the time. I wish I could find my way back to the easygoing and fun guy I used to be. I know that the person I am now is not the way I really am or want to be. I just can’t shake the uneasy feeling I have.

So many things keep going wrong that I have almost lost all confidence and become very nervous and scared. This makes me less interested in sticking my neck out and making myself noticed. I prefer to hide away in the shadows. Not a good method but that’s how it is.

Maybe things will change when summer comes along. I don’t know. I only know I feel like giving up on everything and just go away and live my life in some far away cave.

This was supposed to be a positive update but I guess it will have to wait until I write another one.

Sorry, I wish I could be a better entertainer.

Peace.

10 years down the road

Published 11/01/2011 by MoonieZ

It’s been 10 years of going to cam sites. Ten years of chatting away the days and nights…Well, some afternoons, some evenings, some mornings and some nights. Last year or two a lot of nights in fact. Not saying I regret spending all this time. I’ve had loads of fun and I’ve enjoyed getting to know some very nice people. Across the internet. Often I’ve thought of what I would have been doing all these years if there had been no internet. Would I have ventured out in the “real” world and spent as much time talking to and getting to know people? Probably not. And they wouldn’t have been the same people. Maybe a few would still have been from other parts of the world but most wouldn’t have been. That’s why I prefer the internet and the chat rooms. The world seems to be closer and I’ve learned a lot about the world that I could not have learned without the internet unless I had done a lot more travelling.

My latest chat though I wasn’t really feeling too good. I did have a headache but it wasn’t the only reason for me leaving earlier then usual. Even before the night was over. The reason I didn’t mention was that I felt sad and depressed and didn’t want to ruin anybody’s fun. I couldn’t find anything good to say and I just wanted to go away and hide. After that time, I’ve been thinking. I don’t know how much longer I’ll be spending time online at chat rooms. There are very few people I really wish to continue seeing and keep in touch with. I also think that there’s a time for everything but that now it might be time to move on. Not that I’m leaving my friends but I think I won’t be spending the same amount of time as I have in the past. I not only think so, I have already cut down a lot. Even though I’m logged in I don’t chat much at all unless a friend is on.

Well, I guess this wasn’t the fun and entertaining post you were hoping to read today but hey, it’s only the first of November – I might still surprise you all some…

Peace.

Thoughts

Published 02/02/2011 by MoonieZ

Thinking of someone today. Someone I used to see and talk to almost every day for many years. Someone who used to be very close even while always being very far away. Someone who taught me more about life and social interaction than all my life had taught me up to the point when we first met.

A late night in the fall almost 10 years ago. Empty chatroom. Bored and alone looking for someone to talk to, I was. She worked as a webcam model. Used to be a dancer. Had to stop due to injury. Switched to webcam chat. All that I found out later. That first night I only remember a lot of talking but not much of what was said. Must have made an impression on me because I returned the next night.  More talking. Lots of talking. Sharing of experiences. Stories from the past. Growing up, going to school. Family and friends. Life in general. Everything poured out and a friendship was forged. Stronger than the rest. Didn’t know that then, it would survive a lot of agony and sorrow. Would also experience fantastic highs of happiness and joy. Laughter and smiles, anger and tears. Everything. Would eventually almost die due to my failures but somehow survive and revive itself. At least partially. Still holds. Nothing has been able to break the bond. Probably nothing will. Although increasing problems for both of us have caused the communication  to almost cease in recent months.

That’s why I send you a thought tonight. And a wish for better days ahead for both of us. I wish to be able to celebrate the 10th anniversary of  our online friendship. I think it deserves to be celebrated  once more. At least.

What a day!

Published 02/01/2011 by MoonieZ

What to write after a night and morning like the one I’ve just had?

I have no idea. There aren’t words enough or smart enough or funny enough or good enough or strong enough or nice enough or beautiful or cute enough to describe this amazing experience.

I’m going to simply state that I’m glad I was there. I’m happy to have been a witness. When these things happen to people I care about, who are my friends, I feel so happy, because I know how hard the work is that they do. Or – I don’t know how hard work it is to do – but I can very well imagine and I’ve also been told plenty of stories to know enough about it. Anyway – I have no more words. All I can think of are the expressions of happiness and joy I’ve witnessed.  So wonderful.

All I regret is not being able to contribute to this happy occasion. This one of a kind night. But at least I will always be able to say: I was there! If anybody asks me where I was on the night of January 31 and morning of February 1st 2011, I’ll say I was in this friend’s chatroom at MFC and it was an epic experience which I will never forget.

The rest of my night and day and doings and whatever I will return to some other time. Now I’m going to post this while the euphoria is still fresh and vivid in my mind.

 

Good morning!

Published 01/27/2011 by MoonieZ

Been more than good. I’d say great. Not going to let the crashing get me to abandon my happy mood.

Enjoyed getting up at 5 am. Had a nice place to go to. A nice chatroom to go to. Best one I know. Not to say there are not any other good ones around. Just saying this one is the best one for me. At least the one I always miss being at when I’m not there. I miss some other rooms, or people rather, too, but I have to be honest about where I spend most of my online time.

I am happy to have friends online. Would be boring without them. I remember when I first ventured out onto  the vast Internet ocean I had no idea where to go and no friends to find online. Didn’t even know what a chatroom was. Had to learn it all by trial and error. The first three or four years I didn’t even like chatrooms but that was before I found the right ones. Once I did that, by accident of course, I never wanted to leave. Because I was having so much fun and getting to know people and even making friends.

After having had a long life with almost no friends in it, the Internet saved my social life. I can say that and be totally serious. Without the Internet I’d be much more isolated at this point. Not to mention how much I would not have learned about myself and about people in general.  I am really happy I have made friends with people from other countries even from other continents through the years.

I did have some foreign penpals back in the stone age before the digital age but being able to chat in real-time is way better. And being able to see and hear people you talk to is the best of all. Some say this is nothing new. Video calls were invented even before the Internet was available to the general public but it didn’t catch on or whatever. Maybe the public weren’t ready for it yet. Now it’s hard to live without the option of seeing the one you talk to even when making a cell phone call.

While I was in Cinema Studies class back in the late 1990’s, I remember a discussion about what this does to people that there are cameras almost everywhere so that we are always “on cam” in some fashion. Does it influence our behaviour ? Change it ? Do we start to “perform” when we know that some camera is focused upon us ? Certainly I sense that something happens with the way I behave when I know I’m being watched by a camera. I probably don’t do everything I would do if I was not being watched. Anyway, I’m digressing so I’ll get back to the topic of this post.

A wonderful morning. Now I need to get ready to go to a meeting at a possible place of  “work” later. I also have to have some breakfast.  Haven’t eaten since last night.

Another take on cam sites

Published 01/26/2011 by MoonieZ

This post is about my personal reaction to some recent developments. Nothing more, nothing less.

There’s a lot of excitement online at different places where I hang out about a new cam chat site coming along. Some people are leaving or at least partially leaving a huge cam site due to frustration about certain aspects of it, to join up at this new small one instead.

From what I’ve seen, heard and read the new site offers features that attract both models and members. I read a lot of raving reviews and see a lot of enthusiasm around.

This reminds me of my past experiences as a member at cam chat sites. Having been a member at mostly very small ones through the years, compared to the huge one I frequent these days, I can very easily understand and share the enthusiasm among models and members who are being pioneers at a new place of business.

However, I’m also reminded of how quickly things can change. Now, I’m not saying all changes will always and only be for the worse but I have seen mostly changes of that kind at the sites I’ve been at in the past. Why those changes took place I have sometimes been somewhat well-informed about but mostly not at all.  They did happen though and caused a lot of disappointment and did lead to both members and models leaving those sites.

These past experiences make me slightly suspicious about jumping on the bandwagon too soon for everything new that comes along with a lot of promises of greatness and of great business to be made. It might very well be true, might come true, might grow and become really fabulous for everyone but it might also turn into sand pretty fast. So – even though I might be curious and excited – I’m going to remain somewhat skeptical based upon my own experiences and on what I’ve learned from friends in the past. That said I wish everyone the best of luck and hope they’ll have great success at their new place.

%d bloggers like this: