All posts tagged Webcam

A funny thing happened

Published 06/24/2012 by MoonieZ

No it didn’t.

Simply had to use that headline because I have no imagination left. I want to write something really interesting, entertaining and funny but all I come up with is monster mash and cat vomit. Not much fun in that.

So, what else is not new? That I am a bit strange. Not odd. Strange. However I’m working on being not strange. As if that would be better. It would at least be normal.

I woke up early this morning. I had a nice dream. Not sure what about but I woke up feeling nice inside. Sort of happy.

For some reason, or lack of reason, that feeling made me remember when most people in a chat room I used to visit thought I was gay. No offence to gay persons of any sex, but I know I am not gay, or bi, because nothing in this world attracts me more than a woman.

Or, well, sometimes a very good meal can be more attractive but let’s not derail ourselves here. Not too much at least.  Which leads me to think maybe I seem gay to some very straight people because to them I act or express myself rather like a gay person would from their point of view. That’s the only way I can understand it.

I had a gay friend on the internet for some years. He acted like any person would. Nothing like I thought a gay person would. But he told me he was gay and I had no reason to suspect he wasn’t, but I still didn’t find him to be different from any other friend I’ve had. Except maybe that it was easier to talk to him compared to the supposedly straight guys I also talked to from time to time.

I guess to some of the other straight guys I was a threat in the battle we all fought to gain the attention of the model on cam, in whose chat room we all gathered night after night to chat time away. Or something of that nature.

To be honest, I never liked to compete with anyone for anyone’s attention online or offline or anywhere. Sure, it’s a flaw to not be a very competitive kind of person but I’ve never liked to compete because I’ve never learned to lose without losing my face. I can’t take it on the chin like a man and move on. Instead I often want to end my life instantly. To rid me of the pain of loss I refuse to compete and let everyone else worry about that.

I have taken part in competitions but always had that fear of being devastated if I lost, which I almost always did. Still, those times I really wanted to be in the competition. Because winning would have been priceless.

Back to the matter of my supposed gayness. I can see why the question appeared in my offline life as early as in school when I was only still entering puberty. I was the guy in the back of the room, with the long hair, who tried to hide from being noticed and who was the target of almost everyone’s ridicule.


About to party, 1983

I read books about hobbits and talking animals, I made strange drawings of ducks,smurfs, rabbits and of characters from Star Wars and  the Asterix comics, I wrote strange stories and I listened to weird music.  I played with dolls. And I let my hair grow to down below my shoulders. I didn’t participate in any fighting or sports. I had only one friend – a guy. Only got to play with the girls during recess, or be all alone, because none of the guys wanted me around. Of course I must be gay. Maybe that’s why my childhood friend stopped seeing me once we got into our teens. I always thought it was because I was such a nerd but perhaps I seemed like a gay sissy too.

Anyway, it didn’t bother me what anyone thought. I always knew who and what I am. Again, I have nothing against homosexuality, I’m just not in that closet waiting to come out. However, I suspect some of the boys and later men who have called me gay may have had a closet of their own to deal with coming out of. I’m only guessing.

Mostly though, I think they were only trying to intimidate me or insult me or perhaps they were jealous of me having better luck talking to some of the women because I was able to make decent conversation. At least I could in a chat room but certainly not while I was in school. In those days I was terrified of talking to any girl for whatever reason. And when I say terrified, I mean terrified. Torture seemed like a better alternative.

This little story stopped making sense long ago. I’m aware of that. However – I’m getting close to the end of it now so you have only a few more sentences to read yet. A few more sentences like this one, which starts off like it will be leading you towards some sort of meaning at the other end but in fact it just stops suddenly. Annoying, isn’t it? I should know, it happens to me all the time. How and why, are not valid questions at this time.

The end.

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Published 03/06/2012 by MoonieZ

Yesterday, or perhaps the day before, I almost wrote something stupid on this blog. Again. However, after almost finishing the post I realized it would not do any good to publish it. Also, it was below my usual standards.

The topic was webcam chat sites and what happens there. I decided I’ve written enough about this topic and my views remain the same as last time I wrote something about the subject. However, recently I have been thinking about my many years spent dealing with this subject and the various experiences I’ve had.

What once started out of curiosity and as a way to pass some time, became a way of life over time. For some years it was even an obsession. Leading to many different results both good and bad. I wouldn’t want to be without this experience but the last few months I have been feeling it’s time to move on. In a way I already have. I spend much less time at the site now. I have other things to do in my spare time. Much of the change can be found in the fact that I have very few people to talk to at the site and that the times when I do are few and far between. I’m no longer looking to get to know any new people as I don’t feel like it and don’t know  why I would want to. The people I still know are good enough to keep in touch with. In the years past I often looked for new people to talk to and sometimes I found new friends online. I was a different person then. I was more outgoing, felt more safe and secure in my life and I had a better income. All in all, I found it easy and fun and didn’t have too many things to worry about. What I did have to worry about were enough but in those days I could forget my problems and have fun while being in chatrooms. Now I find myself having trouble to let go of my problems and enjoy myself. I don’t even know what to talk about most of the time. I wish I could find my way back to the easygoing and fun guy I used to be. I know that the person I am now is not the way I really am or want to be. I just can’t shake the uneasy feeling I have.

So many things keep going wrong that I have almost lost all confidence and become very nervous and scared. This makes me less interested in sticking my neck out and making myself noticed. I prefer to hide away in the shadows. Not a good method but that’s how it is.

Maybe things will change when summer comes along. I don’t know. I only know I feel like giving up on everything and just go away and live my life in some far away cave.

This was supposed to be a positive update but I guess it will have to wait until I write another one.

Sorry, I wish I could be a better entertainer.


10 years down the road

Published 11/01/2011 by MoonieZ

It’s been 10 years of going to cam sites. Ten years of chatting away the days and nights…Well, some afternoons, some evenings, some mornings and some nights. Last year or two a lot of nights in fact. Not saying I regret spending all this time. I’ve had loads of fun and I’ve enjoyed getting to know some very nice people. Across the internet. Often I’ve thought of what I would have been doing all these years if there had been no internet. Would I have ventured out in the “real” world and spent as much time talking to and getting to know people? Probably not. And they wouldn’t have been the same people. Maybe a few would still have been from other parts of the world but most wouldn’t have been. That’s why I prefer the internet and the chat rooms. The world seems to be closer and I’ve learned a lot about the world that I could not have learned without the internet unless I had done a lot more travelling.

My latest chat though I wasn’t really feeling too good. I did have a headache but it wasn’t the only reason for me leaving earlier then usual. Even before the night was over. The reason I didn’t mention was that I felt sad and depressed and didn’t want to ruin anybody’s fun. I couldn’t find anything good to say and I just wanted to go away and hide. After that time, I’ve been thinking. I don’t know how much longer I’ll be spending time online at chat rooms. There are very few people I really wish to continue seeing and keep in touch with. I also think that there’s a time for everything but that now it might be time to move on. Not that I’m leaving my friends but I think I won’t be spending the same amount of time as I have in the past. I not only think so, I have already cut down a lot. Even though I’m logged in I don’t chat much at all unless a friend is on.

Well, I guess this wasn’t the fun and entertaining post you were hoping to read today but hey, it’s only the first of November – I might still surprise you all some…



Published 02/02/2011 by MoonieZ

Thinking of someone today. Someone I used to see and talk to almost every day for many years. Someone who used to be very close even while always being very far away. Someone who taught me more about life and social interaction than all my life had taught me up to the point when we first met.

A late night in the fall almost 10 years ago. Empty chatroom. Bored and alone looking for someone to talk to, I was. She worked as a webcam model. Used to be a dancer. Had to stop due to injury. Switched to webcam chat. All that I found out later. That first night I only remember a lot of talking but not much of what was said. Must have made an impression on me because I returned the next night.  More talking. Lots of talking. Sharing of experiences. Stories from the past. Growing up, going to school. Family and friends. Life in general. Everything poured out and a friendship was forged. Stronger than the rest. Didn’t know that then, it would survive a lot of agony and sorrow. Would also experience fantastic highs of happiness and joy. Laughter and smiles, anger and tears. Everything. Would eventually almost die due to my failures but somehow survive and revive itself. At least partially. Still holds. Nothing has been able to break the bond. Probably nothing will. Although increasing problems for both of us have caused the communication  to almost cease in recent months.

That’s why I send you a thought tonight. And a wish for better days ahead for both of us. I wish to be able to celebrate the 10th anniversary of  our online friendship. I think it deserves to be celebrated  once more. At least.

What a day!

Published 02/01/2011 by MoonieZ

What to write after a night and morning like the one I’ve just had?

I have no idea. There aren’t words enough or smart enough or funny enough or good enough or strong enough or nice enough or beautiful or cute enough to describe this amazing experience.

I’m going to simply state that I’m glad I was there. I’m happy to have been a witness. When these things happen to people I care about, who are my friends, I feel so happy, because I know how hard the work is that they do. Or – I don’t know how hard work it is to do – but I can very well imagine and I’ve also been told plenty of stories to know enough about it. Anyway – I have no more words. All I can think of are the expressions of happiness and joy I’ve witnessed.  So wonderful.

All I regret is not being able to contribute to this happy occasion. This one of a kind night. But at least I will always be able to say: I was there! If anybody asks me where I was on the night of January 31 and morning of February 1st 2011, I’ll say I was in this friend’s chatroom at MFC and it was an epic experience which I will never forget.

The rest of my night and day and doings and whatever I will return to some other time. Now I’m going to post this while the euphoria is still fresh and vivid in my mind.


Good morning!

Published 01/27/2011 by MoonieZ

Been more than good. I’d say great. Not going to let the crashing get me to abandon my happy mood.

Enjoyed getting up at 5 am. Had a nice place to go to. A nice chatroom to go to. Best one I know. Not to say there are not any other good ones around. Just saying this one is the best one for me. At least the one I always miss being at when I’m not there. I miss some other rooms, or people rather, too, but I have to be honest about where I spend most of my online time.

I am happy to have friends online. Would be boring without them. I remember when I first ventured out onto  the vast Internet ocean I had no idea where to go and no friends to find online. Didn’t even know what a chatroom was. Had to learn it all by trial and error. The first three or four years I didn’t even like chatrooms but that was before I found the right ones. Once I did that, by accident of course, I never wanted to leave. Because I was having so much fun and getting to know people and even making friends.

After having had a long life with almost no friends in it, the Internet saved my social life. I can say that and be totally serious. Without the Internet I’d be much more isolated at this point. Not to mention how much I would not have learned about myself and about people in general.  I am really happy I have made friends with people from other countries even from other continents through the years.

I did have some foreign penpals back in the stone age before the digital age but being able to chat in real-time is way better. And being able to see and hear people you talk to is the best of all. Some say this is nothing new. Video calls were invented even before the Internet was available to the general public but it didn’t catch on or whatever. Maybe the public weren’t ready for it yet. Now it’s hard to live without the option of seeing the one you talk to even when making a cell phone call.

While I was in Cinema Studies class back in the late 1990’s, I remember a discussion about what this does to people that there are cameras almost everywhere so that we are always “on cam” in some fashion. Does it influence our behaviour ? Change it ? Do we start to “perform” when we know that some camera is focused upon us ? Certainly I sense that something happens with the way I behave when I know I’m being watched by a camera. I probably don’t do everything I would do if I was not being watched. Anyway, I’m digressing so I’ll get back to the topic of this post.

A wonderful morning. Now I need to get ready to go to a meeting at a possible place of  “work” later. I also have to have some breakfast.  Haven’t eaten since last night.

Another take on cam sites

Published 01/26/2011 by MoonieZ

This post is about my personal reaction to some recent developments. Nothing more, nothing less.

There’s a lot of excitement online at different places where I hang out about a new cam chat site coming along. Some people are leaving or at least partially leaving a huge cam site due to frustration about certain aspects of it, to join up at this new small one instead.

From what I’ve seen, heard and read the new site offers features that attract both models and members. I read a lot of raving reviews and see a lot of enthusiasm around.

This reminds me of my past experiences as a member at cam chat sites. Having been a member at mostly very small ones through the years, compared to the huge one I frequent these days, I can very easily understand and share the enthusiasm among models and members who are being pioneers at a new place of business.

However, I’m also reminded of how quickly things can change. Now, I’m not saying all changes will always and only be for the worse but I have seen mostly changes of that kind at the sites I’ve been at in the past. Why those changes took place I have sometimes been somewhat well-informed about but mostly not at all.  They did happen though and caused a lot of disappointment and did lead to both members and models leaving those sites.

These past experiences make me slightly suspicious about jumping on the bandwagon too soon for everything new that comes along with a lot of promises of greatness and of great business to be made. It might very well be true, might come true, might grow and become really fabulous for everyone but it might also turn into sand pretty fast. So – even though I might be curious and excited – I’m going to remain somewhat skeptical based upon my own experiences and on what I’ve learned from friends in the past. That said I wish everyone the best of luck and hope they’ll have great success at their new place.

10 years at cam sites

Published 01/08/2011 by MoonieZ

Well not exactly 10 years yet. Some day in June or July 2011 will be the 10th anniversary of my webcam sites member adventures but since I no longer remember the exact date  I first joined a chat room at a webcam site I might as well celebrate it right now.

10 years later. What have I learned ?  First of all the technology has improved. Might not believe me if you only recently joined a site like MFC and experience bugs and crashes and such, but the “problems” at MFC are nothing compared to what I’ve seen over the years at sites not even a fraction as huge as MFC. Most of those sites are probably gone today and those that remain have changed names, management and most importantly models working so many times I doubt anyone there still remember the old member MoonieZ.

However there were always things going wrong: site servers going down, cams that wouldn’t load, chats that wouldn’t load and numerous other things. What I remember most though is connecting through dial-up and paying a per minute internet fee on top of the cost of  entering the chat and viewing the cams. That was slow and expensive. Not to mention unreliable. After switching to ADSL connection things improved a lot.

The streaming video windows were small and the image often fuzzy in the early days. Lighting was not always good and sound did not always work. In fact,  streaming audio was a late addition to most cam sites. Some were very late to add it and some only had it during private chat sessions.

What hasn’t changed is the way most members and guests interact with the models on cam. There are many who manage to be “normal” and polite but there has also always been a huge crowd who seem to have only one goal – to spoil everyone elses fun using any and all methods available. At the sites I used to be at models didn’t always have banning options or even mute options. The only thing they could do when the crowd in the room was getting out of control was to alert a site admin or simply shut the cam down and/or log off in order to clear the room of the spoilers and beggars. I’ve heard the open chat room at a few sites refered to as “the jungle” by more than one model over the years.

Then there is the member category who seem to forget that the person on cam is a real living breathing human being and not a robot or an animated image. I’ve seen a few of those over the years as well and always wondered if they treat every person they meet in their daily life as disrespectful as they treated  the models in the chat rooms.

After all of these negative aspects one might ask why keep going to these sites ? Easy. For the fun, the good times, the laughs, the company and last but not least the friends I’ve made. I’ve made good friends among both models and members over the years. Some I’ve kept in touch with for a long time while others faded away more quickly.

Getting to know the models as persons/real people and not only as “models” has been great. Some I’ve chatted with I never really got to know but some I’ve become very close friends with and shared a lot of my own life with as well as listening to their whole life stories. Very interesting and a most educational experience.

Also learning  some inside information about what its like to work in the cam business and how the sites are managed have been interesting and part of why I’ve returned to these sites.

Kitchens, bedrooms and dorms

Published 03/31/2010 by MoonieZ

There’s no end to the variations of settings I’ve seen on the webcam chat site I’m mostly spending my time at lately.  I’ve seen kitchens, living rooms, bedrooms dorm rooms, bathrooms and what looked like the inside of a mobile home. There’s been views of yards and pools, inside of cars even inside of cars moving through traffic. I’ve seen people clean their homes, fold up laundry, take showers, baths and strolls around the backyard. Not to mention cooking, baking, eating and drinking …  The people on cam are located in different countries around the world but I’ve noticed how the interiors of homes look so much the same. Yet it’s always  interesting to spot the differences and the touches of individual styles  as well. These people broadcasting from home are a nice contrast to the many studio based broadcasts I’ve seen over the years. In the end studio settings tend to look a lot like the same one no matter where  the studio is located.  They also often lack the personal touch which is what I look for when searching for interesting chatrooms.

To be on cam – a confession

Published 01/12/2009 by MoonieZ

Right, I am on cam. I do not only watch other cams. Being on cam at the community was very exciting the first half-dozen times. Being naked on cam was also very exciting about five times after that. However, after noticing nobody watched, and especially noticing none of the people I hoped would watch was watching made me put my clothes back on turn off my cam and become a full-time prude.

Ok, maybe I still go on cam from time to time, but these days not without being dressed and mostly I go on cam looking bored silly or perhaps just confused. I might smile, I might scratch my head – the one located above my shoulders – and I might be wearing big black headphones so that I can enjoy my music while I sit in front of my cam looking at other people looking. They all seem to have so much fun and enjoy whatever they are doing at the moment.

I have fun too, even when I look like I am not. Basically I don’t look like I have fun because I rarely smile. I rarely smile in my daily life also, but it doesn’t mean I’m always in a bad mood or bored or both. This is just how I am. Sure, being in the retail business made me have to smile sometimes because customers expect it, but I also got the question many times: are you sad, are you angry. So, I know the rule in all social interactions is simple: Smile or be ready to explain yourself constantly. The same goes for drinking alcohol: say no to a drink of any alcoholic beverage and be ready to explain why you don’t drink, ever.

My question is what happened to the freedom of being yourself, and to the freedom of choice. The individual freedom everyone wants for themselves but apparently can’t grant their fellow humans if they make other choices, too strange choices. What I am going for is tolerance. I see less and less of it in these individual freedom times we are supposedly living in. Sure you still have a choice but be careful what you choose. The majority rules, as always.

Ok, now by writing this I might be accused of whining,  but so what. These are my opinions and this is my blog. Nobody is forced to read anything I write and is certainly not assumed to agree with any of my opinions, or even expected to.

Where was I ? Yes, it was a post about me being on cam. Well I think I have told most of that story now. But if you see me on cam somewhere after reading this you might know why I don’t often smile.

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