All posts tagged father

Lost but never forgotten

Published 05/15/2017 by MoonieZ

Dad at 43 years old.1967

Well, Dad, 22 years has passed now without you around to help me. I never thought I would make it this far but here I am. Of course, Mom was a great help for 20 of those years, but now I’m going to have to make it on my own for the rest of my days.

You gave me a great start and I’m forever thankful for the years I got to share with you along with everything I learned from you. You are forever in my thoughts and I will always remember you and all that you did for us all – family, relatives and friends.

Today, May 15, would have been your 93rd birthday and I wanted to write this to express how much you mean to me and how much I miss you and most of all how much I love you, always.

You got to live your dream, so today I hope you take Mom with you and go for a nice flight since flying was your life.


Published 05/28/2016 by MoonieZ


I’m back to haunt you once more. Just when you thought it safe to return to this deserted blog on the edge of town. Not far from the darkness that dwells there.

Anyway, I’ve had some interesting days to say the least.

Many laps around the rollercoaster called life lately. Many different feelings. Highs and lows.

Some matters have been resolved, some are pending and some remains to be seen where they end up.

Still, the question of where to live, where to move to, remains ro be resolved. I’m still not sure what I really want to do but I’m not alone in making the change. My brothers have a say in it also.

Getting help from the municipality seems to be a long struggle where the eventual outcome is highly uncertain.

Finding a place to rent is not easy, and buying one in the current market is very expensive. So, to make a long story short, I’m kind of stuck where I am for the time being.

I feel a lot of stress due to this situation, and I’m not sure anyone else really understand how I feel. My ASD is not making having an uncertain future any easier or less stressful.

Luckily I have some nice people to communicate with who help take my mind off of the stress and let me have fun and enjoy myself. I’m very  grateful to have them around.

Perhaps I could manage without friends but I feel it makes life easier to have a few. Most of my life I haven’t had many friends. Most of the time only one or two or none at all.

I don’t find friends easily, and I have some trouble keeping them. I have trouble with social interactions and don’t like being around many people at once.

One at a time, works best for me. Not always easy to explain to everyone I happen to meet.

Summer is around the corner. Some beautiful warm days have already passed by but I hope the best is yet to come.

Then there is the matter of grief. One thinks it will fade away through the passing of time but it doesn’t work that way. I’d say it starts to sink its claws in you when you think it has disappeared. Every month around the 22nd, I have a minor breakdown. I think I will always feel that way. I know I will always miss my parents, and perhaps my mother more than my father because I spent more time with my mother and because my mother’s passing happened so fast. There was no way to say goodbye.

I find that music helps a lot to sort out all kinds of feelings.


Published 05/18/2016 by MoonieZ

Hey, readers!

Been a few emotional days lately. For me. What it has been like for you, I haven’t got a clue about.

Anyway, yesterday I helped put my mother (or her ashes) in her final resting place next to my father.

Me and my brothers were all gathered for the simple ceremony of carrying the wooden urn from the church to the grave. My maternal uncle and my oldest nephew were also present. I was the one to set the urn into the ground. Somehow, after doing that I felt all at peace. I knew that it was all done, the interment was the final step in the whole burial ceremony. Now, I can move on forward. A kind of relief.

After a coffee break at the local coffee-house, I spent the rest of the day with my brother the drummer/chef. We talked, cooked dinner, listened to music and relaxed.

This morning I woke up rather early and spent a few hours talking to my brother until our uncle called and invited us out for lunch.

We went by car to a nice restaurant and had a nice lunch, including dessert and coffee. Then some grocery shopping before heading home. The weather today has been fabulous. Sunny and warm.

My brother has gone to see an old friend from his youth, and I’ve had a few slush mojitos before starting to write this rather dull update.

All that remains is to end it.

Oh, I know the headline is “Emotions” but I think the emotions are present without being spelled out. Then again, I could be wrong.


Time, the killer

Published 05/01/2016 by MoonieZ

You got time to kill, you say.
Wrong, I say. Time can’t be killed. Time kills you.

I’m wrong? I doubt it. I see time killing every day. When I look in my mirror.

What a way to welcome back May. The only way. Been a year. What a year.
A year ago my “work” ended at the last place I was at. Due to my depression and suicide thoughts. Mostly it ended because the place didn’t want to be responsible if I would suddenly jump out a window or harm myself or someone else around there. No problem, I have forgiven them.

After a long time of waiting, I got the Employment Agency to start looking into giving me some more help. After I got my ASD diagnosis earlier this year, I was supposed to get to start at a place of work. But so far nothing has happened. I have asked why more than once but all I get is that they will look into the case. Also new people keep taking over my case.

Anyway, today is the first day of the beautiful month of May. May was my mother’s name. It feels strange to not have her around. So I celebrate her memory by thinking of her throughout the month. Also, the 15th of May is my father’s birthday. He would have been 92 this year, the same age as my mother.

The other day I felt very sad thinking about how much I miss my parents. Then I decided to start getting my life back on track, as it would be the best way to honor their memory. Not by sitting around feeling helpless, even if that feels “better” sometimes.

So far I haven’t done much but I take it step by step.

And still, life goes on

Published 01/22/2016 by MoonieZ

Howdy, readers!

Been a long time. Once again. I don’t get around to writing much here anymore. Not that I don’t think about it. I do. Almost every day. Or mostly, every night. But, and that’s a no small but, I keep forgetting what I thought of when I get around to write.

So, I end up with this kind of text that you are now reading. Not my best effort but enough to fill out some space.

Life came to a halt last October, on this very date. I know, it didn’t actually stop then, it just feels like it has. Life still moves along, in the background. Just as it always has, and always will. So what, if I feel like my life stopped on that day. It didn’t. But it changed forever, that much is true.

Now, I’m trying to learn to live on my own. Alone in the world. I can’t say it has been easy, but I’m getting along. Small steps.One at a time.

But, today I miss my mother, as I’m sure I will every month around this date for the rest of my life.  Of course I also miss my father but I have had 20 years to learn to handle that loss. Return in 20 years from now and check how I handle the loss of my mother.

If I still run this blog 20 years from now. In June, I will celebrate 11 years of blogging. Amazing, I never thought I’d carry on this long.

Not surprising, I have run out of steam a bit. I barely manage one post per month now. I’m more  active at Twitter and Tumblr.

That said, I still like my blog enough to keep it up and running, and I’m happy for the readers I have.


Published 05/16/2012 by MoonieZ

The road ahead I know nothing about.

Even though I know that old people tend to have health problems, the news today that my mother has suffered a  mild cerebral hemorrhage hit me very hard. I have tried to be prepared for the day when my mother will pass away but I find it hard to prepare for such a thing. Still I know that it will happen one day, it’s inevitable. A part of life.

When my father died 17  years ago I wasn’t prepared at all. It was by far the worst days of my life so far. After that I’ve suffered other things that have been hard to deal with but the pain and sorrow of losing a parent is still the worst I can imagine. I’ve heard people say that losing a child is worse but since I’m not a parent myself I can’t really relate to that even though I can imagine it must be very painful.

While writing this I think that this will make me look like a weak and whiny type of person, but so be it. I am filled with fear of losing my mother because she’s my only living parent. Of course I know that life will go on without her among us, but I still wish that day would never come. Just as I wished the same while my father was alive.

And yes, I know I’m supposed to leave my parents and live my own life. Still, I would like to have my parents alive and around even if I’m independent and on my own.  I love my parents and I don’t think that means I’m not able to stand on my own two feet.

These are my thoughts at the moment which makes this update slightly unfocused but I hope it won’t seem totally confused.  I will probably edit this later.

Weekend that was

Published 05/09/2012 by MoonieZ

This is something I have had on my mind to write for days now.

It’s really a simple story but somehow I haven’t wanted to write it down.  Been thinking about how to tell it, what words to use.  As usual when I think too much, nothing gets done, so now I’m typing without much thinking and we’ll see how it goes.

Friday afternoon I returned from a rather dull day at the office expecting nothing more than to get home and have some dinner and relax.

Well, in my mail was a very big envelope from a University. I could almost guess what was in it: a degree certificate.

The final proof that my struggle to finish my education was over had arrived. Now I had the result in my hand. I felt very happy but also relieved. To finish had taken a long time.

I had at times thought that it would never happen. I had been ready to give up along the way. Especially during the break that lasted 10 years , when I didn’t study at all. Yet, deep down inside I did want to finish. I didn’t want all the work to be in vain.

It also had to do with the memory of my father. When he passed away I decided that life is too short for not trying to live one’s dreams. There may not be a tomorrow so today has to be made the most of.

Before my father was diagnosed with terminal cancer I thought I had plenty of time and that there was no rush to do anything – “I’ll do it later”. I liked my life and my work and I thought higher education wasn’t for me anyway. Besides, I had already turned down a chance to go to the University and had started working instead.

However, when one of your parents die your perspective changes. At least my perspective changed.

I realized life can end at any moment and I knew that when my parents are gone, I’m next in line so I better have lived a full life before the day comes when it all ends.

My father was happy with his life – he said he had lived his dream. So I asked myself – if I die tomorrow will I be able to say the same about my life? The answer was NO.  Why? Because I still wanted to do more, learn more and work with something where I could make use of my talents and education. So a year after my father died, I decided to go back to school and try to make my dream real.

To be honest there were other reasons as well but I will not mention those here.

Anyway, this Friday I reached the end of that story. Now the next chapter will begin.

Needless to say this event stirred a lot of emotions which kind of messed up my weekend plans and interactions. I wasn’t at my most balanced self so I think I may have seemed more weird than usual. However by Monday I was back to my normal self and now I feel fine. I’m very happy to have my degree of Bachelor of Arts and I’m glad I didn’t give up on it.

Christmas 2011

Published 12/24/2011 by MoonieZ

Hello.  It’s Christmas Eve. Merry Christmas to all my readers and followers of this blog. I hope you all are having a happy holiday season.

I’m not having a good day today, but I will survive.

Have had a lot of arguments with my mother and I feel somewhat depressed. Have felt depressed for a long time.

I thought I had sorted things out at one point but it seems I’ve only imagined I had. My life is not happening and I no longer know what to do. I just want to get away from myself.

Woke up today very early after sleeping badly and having a dream I thought was real. Had a lot to do to prepare for Christmas dinner with my  mother and my oldest brother and his wife.

While I was busy with this and feeling stressed and unhappy I remembered how Christmas used to be when I was growing up and when I was younger.

For many years I looked forward to Christmas. I used to really love seeing my brothers and their families and enjoyed all the food and presents and every other tradition.
Since my father’s death, however, I’ve had a growing feeling of not enjoying Christmas as much. Things changed, people have changed but still everyone seems to cling to the idea of Christmas always being the same traditional celebration as ever before. Only nobody really like it as much anymore. It’s so obvious that its more of a chore than a celebration. No matter that most of the food is no longer cooked from scratch and that we no longer give presents or even have Christmas tree indoors.

Still, I feel bad for not enjoying Christmas as much as before and for not feeling happy but only stressed and tired. Most of all I wish to spend my holiday relaxing and just enjoy some good company, talk, read, listen to music, watch some TV.

I got a book as a Christmas present from my brother the chef/drummer. A book about the leader of the band my brother used to be in during the late 1970’s.  It’s a nice , heavy book and I’m happy to have it but at the same time I feel guilty for not having anything to give in return.

My oldest brother gave me a book for Christmas too. A book about depressions and how to deal with such feelings and problems. I know he cares but still I feel like I’m only a burden to everyone and that I should just cheer up and at least pretend to be happy and without any worries.

The food was good though and I’ve had a lot of it as usual. Same story every year.

Now I hope to enjoy some Christmas peace and then go to sleep.

Don’t know what I’ll be doing tomorrow. As little as possible is my wish.



A bunch of words

Published 11/07/2011 by MoonieZ

My oldest nephew became a father today.  Made me think about how much life has passed me by. Again. I’m so far behind I’ll never catch up on all things that have passed me by already. Useless to even think about such matters. All I’ve got is the here and now – tomorrow I could be gone. The past is history. Yet, at a moment like this I do stop to think and feel that twinge of sadness. I allow it, then I move on.  Of course I’m happy for my nephew and his girlfriend but I’m still reminded how much time has passed.  I guess I’ll be getting ready to be that eternal bachelor nerdy uncle every family should have around. Or I don’t know. Perhaps I should tell myself there’s still time. I wouldn’t dare to bet much on it though.


That mystery

Published 06/11/2011 by MoonieZ

My father told me shortly before he died that I would be lucky in love if I was unlucky with money, but so far I haven’t had any luck with neither of the two.  I know which one I’d prefer. Some might prefer both but I’m not that greedy. I think one is more valuable anyway. Which one? You’ll have to guess.

However I still remember what my father told me and I still think one day I’ll find out.

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