I survived the new years and Christmas. Not that I thought I wouldn’t but even if it was mostly a nice jolly time, it also had some moments of not-so-much-fun. As always when it comes to family gatherings, old unsolved issues seem to have to pop up and ruin the mood from time to time . Someone always seems to have to remind someone else of something negative that happened in the past and can’t be changed no matter how many times it gets mentioned again.
Anyway, I’m not here to dwell on that or the past year. I have a new year ahead of me and I will work my way forward instead of backwards. The holidays gave me time to sleep more but also to think about where I am and where I should be going next. Also some things dawned on me about some parts of my life and experiences I’ve had.
I have decided to move on in slightly new directions and also learned some new truths about myself. Now is not the time to discuss the details but I will certainly return to this topic when the time is right. My outlook on something has changed, is all I’m ready to say right now. Something I thought was a very important thing has become somewhat less important or rather it is now important in a different way. Maybe it is just a matter of a different perspective.
Life is moving on. Things are back to normal again and I am starting to get back to my usual daily routines.
I feel sort of happy and yet not in a strange kind of way.
[Written May 18th, 2012. Published June 16th 2012]
Yeah, I thought you would all show up now that I put this headline on one of my blog posts.
To be honest I have never thought about writing a post on this rather sticky subject, but today I was trying to go back to sleep after being awake early and the idea came to me that it might be fun to try.
So, I first started to write a very long and very dry, boring text about the subject at hand. Then I changed my mind.
Who cares about my dry opinions about masturbation anyway? I’m no expert. Besides, everyone will expect this post to be an exciting, juicy description of how I do it and when and why and who and/or what I think of and all that other intimate stuff anyway.
Ok, so here it is. The uncensored truth. Don’t blame me if you read it and then experience a sudden need to vomit. Remember: I didn’t ask you to read this and I’m not responsible for your reaction.
I hear that a lot. That this place or that place is the right or wrong place for something or other. But is that so? And why? In my opinion there is only one place (here) and only one time (now). That’s all there is and all we have in this one life so why don’t we use it instead of talking about when the right/wrong place or the right/wrong time will be for things? What, then, would be the right place and the right time for something? Who decides where and when that is? Is it up to each person to decide or did we all decide this together? Is it always the same? Or did we just at some place in time construct this idea as a way to deal with the here and now so that each thing can be kept in place in order to make sense and avoid confusion.
In other words did we construct a system of placing things in right or wrong places in order to make sense of the world and our own interaction with and within it? If that is the case then we should also be able to ignore these ideas of right place/time and wrong place/time and just return to the only place we really know we got (here) and the only time (now) and make it a lot easier for ourselves.
However without the shelter of being able to say “this is the right/wrong place/time for this” life becomes a bit difficult to avoid living and things become difficult to avoid dealing with when they actually happen – which is here and now and not at any other place or time that we have designated for it to occur to better suit us or so that we can avoid dealing with it at all.
Yes. I am still alive. I know I have been lazy about posting on this here blog thingy. Why? Very simple. I’ve had nothing to report. Nothing new, that is. Life rolls along at a steady pace and the days seem a lot alike. I keep writing for a project and I spend my evenings listening to music, tweeting, tumblr-ing and watching movies. Sometimes I even go to sleep very early and sleep a lot. Just not much to write blog posts about. So I’m sorry this one will look a lot like the one below.
Maybe one day there will be something to report. When that day comes I surely will post about it. But for now, this is as good as it gets. So I’ll understand if you all fall asleep before reaching the end of this post. If you do stay awake you may want to have your money back for the time I made you waste by reading this. If that is the case I’d like to inform you that reading this blog is totally free of charge.
Just for fun I took the quiz I found at this blog. My result was pretty good: 93 points. This made me into a HGC (Holy grail customer) which made me smile. I think I ought have learned something from 10 years spent at various camsites. So if you are a regular at camsites you ought to take this quiz too and find out where you stand.
Guy#2: Who the hell brings a toothbrush when they go out to a bar!?
Guy#1: I don’t know…(laughs) bring a toothbrush to a one night stand? ….And once I found some fake nails some other girl had forgot…I mean how do you forget a thing like that?
Both guys laugh.
Guy#2: Well at my place one girl forgot a phone charger…and ‘ve found false eyelashes (sigh)…stockings…wallet… shoes…panties
Guy#1: Yeah false eyelashes…How can they forget a thing like that….Anyway you know ZZ? She says she forgot her panties at my place…but I haven’t found them….I’ve been looking everywhere …I’ve got no idea where they are
It’s me again. Not sure you still remember me but I used to blog a lot in the past. Now I only blog a few times a month again. Seems I lost the edge. Got nothing much to write about. I’ve already written about my life, my childhood, my growing up, my writing, my travels and my interests. Also I’ve written a lot about my emotions and my depressions. Not much left. Have also written about my unemployment, my past health problems and my poverty. On top of all that I’ve also tried to be funny from time to time and even tried my hand at writing poetry. Last but not least I’ve written about my chat site experiences. What’s left to tell? I have no idea. Wish I could think of something good so I could get this blog going again. Now it’s dead.
Almost dead. From time to time I make an effort and come up with something but usually not much. I’ll keep writing though and hope I’ll find my way back.
OK. Standing at the station, watching the train of life leave. Missed again. Same old story. When people decide to unfollow based on me talking too much or being too loving or whatever the reason and yet telling me I’m wonderful but they can’t follow me anyway, I kind of feel like I’ve been kicked in the gut for no real reason. At least not a reason I can understand. It wasn’t as if there was a close friendship. It was just another internet friend I liked to chat with from time to time, have some fun and some laughs. Share some jokes. And after such a long time when my twitter timeline has looked the same to use an excuse like the one that was served to me just don’t fly. Anyway, I’ve decided to let it be and simply move on.
I’ve got other things bothering me a lot more. I have the dreaded feeling of having set myself up for heartbreak. Again. In fact I think it’s already a fact. I know the exact moment my heart shattered again. It hurt like hell but it wasn’t like a bolt of lightning from a clear blue sky.
I have had it coming for a time. It’s been a feeling that has grown on me even though I’ve tried to shake it off and pretend to have been mistaken. Matter of fact is that I am not mistaken about how I choose to feel about the whole thing. It was inevitable I would arrange for myself to end up in this situation. Having to act without any guidance and without any idea of what I’m doing except trying my best to express myself I could only fall on my face.
However, I’m still around and I intend to remain being around. I’m not the type to hide and run. I am known to be reliable and to stand fast even in the face of defeat. Also, I don’t give up on friends very easily. So – I remain the friend I’ve always been and continue being me. Nothing else I can do anyway. Nothing else I want to do.
A nice evening in July it is and I should be so busy outside. However I am not in the mood for garden work. I’m more in the mood for some music and a drink and a little walk down the winding pathways of my memories.
Having a sense of having seen it all before brings some comfort and makes it all easier to handle. At least I gave it all I had. What more can anyone do. Life goes on. It’s not so bad as it was the first time. I know I’ll be ok and I know I am ok. Tonight I will have some fun and it will be fine.
Miss my old friend though. Wish things would be different – or like they used to be when it was good. Now all I have are memories of the good old days.
Oh well – friends come and go. Only a few stay for very long and only one or two remain for life. I had a hope I had such a friend – and for about 10 years I had – but it seems I might have to cultivate another friendship in order to achieve it again. Be that as it may. In my heart my friend will always remain my friend no matter if we ever talk again.
I promised myself I wouldn’t write a bitter or angry post about these matters. I almost published one yesterday that I had written in a kind of rage but I didn’t. Would not have been good. Was good to write it though – and get the feelings out of my system. To publish it would have been childish and gone totally against who I am or who I want to be.
I’m glad I was able to control my feelings enough to leave it unpublished.