This song is stuck on repeat in my brain.
This song is stuck on repeat in my brain.
Midsummer eve, a day of celebration only second to Christmas in Sweden. I’m not going to explain it. If you need to know more, search the internet.
The Boss – Bruce Springsteen – is in Gothenburg with his band for shows. Kind of a midsummer tradition in a way. And the weather is kind of great even if it rained during the night and this morning.
I’m celebrating kind of low-key this year. Not that I mind. I’m used to being by myself. Not good in large groups, takes too much energy away from me to try to handle all the information when I can’t sort it out.
The news this morning of the British having voted to leave the European Union was a shock to me. And I believe a much greater shock for the 48,1% of the British people who voted to stay in the EU.
It took away much of my wish to celebrate Midsummer but I wouldn’t have been celebrating much anyway.
Talked to my brothers on the phone and then my aunt. All seemed to be fine and having a good day. Was good to know.
I struggle with getting things done that I know I have to do but don’t have any motivation for doing. After so many years it gets harder to find any ways to freshen it up and keep me motivated. Of course I know I’ll get it done anyway but it feels so much of a burden lately. No way out of it though.
Still, my life is kind of getting better lately. Not any major change but small steps adding up. No luck in finding a job, no luck in finding a suitable place to live and no luck in finding that love that keeps eluding me. Might be because I’m not looking hard enough or in the right places or perhaps I don’t know how to look for any of it. No idea.
But I enjoy life the way I know how. Have started watching Orange Is The New Black again and still find it fun and interesting to see where all the characters will end up.
Same goes for Game of Thrones. Those are the only shows I watch now. Sometimes I watch some movies but not as much as earlier this year. I find that there aren’t a lot of really good movies around anymore. Or perhaps I’ve grown out of the genre movies. I keep returning to the “old” movies I already know because they are still good.
My internet friends also keep me smiling. Without them, I’d be lost.
Last Saturday of August 2015.
I know I have neglected this blog most of this year and I can’t promise that it will change anytime soon.
However, I saw the need for some kind of update so I started to write this.
Life feels like it has never really started. Last night while trying to sleep I thought of how many times I wished things were different over the years.
I also thought of all the energy, time and money I have invested in the wrong efforts, while trying to find things I wanted or needed in all the wrongs places.
Then trying to accept that it all came to nothing at all and also deal with regrets and feelings of stupidity.
Anyway, my depression has slightly faded. I feel somewhat better now, even if some days are rather blah. My sleep is better, and the anxiety is almost all gone.
My life hasn’t changed though and I haven’t started to try to change anything.
I wait for the tests to start that will help to determine my diagnosis. Clearly I know I have a disorder but I need it to be confirmed so that I can request the support I need to make it less of a problem. Maybe then I can start to change my life around for the better. Or at least try.
Right now, while waiting, I don’t see any point to try to change much.
On the job front there is nothing new. Nothing happens. I don’t expect anything will happen.
In a few months time I have been unemployed for nine years, more or less.
I spend my time trying to feel as good as possible while working my way out of the depression.
I don’t think of suicide anymore. I know that is not the way out but back in January it seemed like a tempting alternative to the darkness I found myself in.
Lately I have started to be able to enjoy music and movies again. But I still get tired rather fast when trying to watch a whole movie.
Being outside a lot, enjoying the Summer, has also helped me to get better during the last few months.
Visits by family and relatives has been fun but at times too much for my brain to deal with.
Bruce Springsteen & The E Street Band – Incident on 57th Street
One of the best songs I know, when it comes to lyrics.
Recently I heard this song on Spotify. At first I thought it was a brand new song written by Bruce Springsteen but soon I found out its a cover of a song by the Australian group The Saints from the 1980’s. Still, it has quickly become a favorite of mine and every time I listen to it, I feel a lot more motivated to get things done.
Bruce Springsteen – Just Like Fire Would (cover version)
What I have for the coming year.
Bruce Springsteen – High Hopes (cover version)
Bruce Springsteen – Dream Baby Dream (cover version)
Heard this on Spotify recently and instantly liked it. Wanted to share it with my readers.