Why am I here?

The question most frequently asked by my readers. No, I’m kidding. I have no idea what my readers would ask me. Sometimes I think I would like to know but then I don’t. The thing is I never wrote this for any readers…Well, not entirely true. There were a few people I hoped would read this back when I started. I hoped they would read and be impressed by my genius. And by my writing skills. Maybe they were impressed, maybe not. They never really told me except for a few very good and valid comments.

Where this is going? As usual, I have no idea. It all started with a headline. Then I keep writing for as long as I like and that’s what the post will be.

My focus groups all agree with this strategy. If I had any or a strategy. The point is that this is pointless but still has a point. Something to waste time with.

Now that I’ve got your attention I will proceed with some interesting facts about my mental state of mind. As if.

Ok, so this is a pointless row of words. My world, why a word has to have a point. Can it not just be a word finding its place in the great sentence of things and still have value?

The truth is out there. The truth is not out there, the truth is inside our minds. Where else would it reside? The out there can’t keep it alive or make any sense of anything. That’s what thoughts are for. Not saying that thoughts can’t go astray, because they can and they do. Like right now. Who can tell if a thought is true or false? What about thoughts about the out there then? Good question, next question.

Out.

The one or the other

Sometimes, I know I will fall right down the black hole of negative thinking even before anything has given me reason to. At those times it’s not anything or anyone outside of me that is the cause of the negative thinking, only my own habit of being pessimistic about myself  rather than optimistic. Or at lest realistic.

The other day that dark cloud of negative thoughts came sailing towards me again. For no good reason other than my own mind forming it. This time, I didn’t let it rain on me. This time I fought that cloud back and let the sun keep on warming me with positive thoughts.

Any other day, or month or year, I would have been caught in the cold rain of that cloud. Maybe not for long but I would have let it rain. Not this time.

I refused to let myself drag me down in misery. I couldn’t see any reason to let it, no sane reason anyway.

I consider this a small victory. To be able to force myself to stay positive in the face of unmotivated negative thinking has been a losing battle all my life. It has always been so much easier to succumb to negativity with or without any kind of reason. At the same time I’ve always found it easy to remain positive about everyone around me. Always optimistic about other people but not often about myself.

Maybe I’m finally starting to allow myself to be positive more often than not.

During the week I have been reading a book about living with ASD as an adult, and I found it to be very helpful. For decades before being diagnosed, I often thought I was just stupid or lazy for not being able to be like “normal” people, or for not being able to do things the way “normal” people are expected to. Or most of all for not being able to understand others  and communicate like “normal” people.

Now I know I don’t need to use all my energy to try to conform or change. I’m never going to be able to anyway and I’m allowed to be me, just the way I am.

And now, the news

News flash:

Nothing. No, not really, but I wouldn’t report it as news.

The chaos in my  brain is best defeated by writing.

Last few days have seen some changes happening. Good ones in the long run.

I can look forward to a slight improvement of my situation. After 5 years at the bottom of the pool, this is good news for me. And believe me, you do not want to be at the bottom of the pool. Not recommended. You live and you learn, though.

To be in the position to start over after these long years of just survival takes some getting used to . I haven’t gotten my head adjusted for it yet. Thoughts and feelings are all over the place and I haven’t slept very well for a few days.

But I expect to regain my footing soon.

In other news:

Nothing. Very little.

The days go by and I keep watching for good news without finding any at all.

The job front:

No improvement. I keep searching. Motivation is hard to maintain when there’s so little gain. However I still struggle on.

My brother will be visiting by the end of June. Will be nice.

Other than that. Not much happening. Days follow days  and time runs away.

Sunday,May 22, 2016

Sunday.

Sunny as Saturday was but mostly cloudy,  I wasn’t much outside. The plan was to get some boring things done that really need doing but for which I have lost all motivation.

So, I’m seated here after midnight with all the work still to do. However, I will not start now. Instead, I’m off to sleep and then to dream.

When I wake up I really have to get my sh*t together, or there will be hell to pay later.

At least my worried mood from a few days ago has vanished. I got some help to get my brain back on track and for that I’m happy.

The struggle to keep my self in order is not easy and it takes a lot of energy away from me. Energy I could make better use of.

Friday night was a fun time though. I got to forget about all the problems and enjoy a few hours of good fun and laughter among other things.

I slept very well after that. All the way to the afternoon. Then I woke up with the energy I lacked the day before, but I didn’t put it to good use. I daydreamed the afternoon away all the way into the night, and here I am.

Some part of me tells me I might never finish this post. With all the distractions of late.

Anyway, I no longer remember where i was going with this so I might just stop right here and let my clever readers figure out the rest.

 

The only thing to do

What? To write.

I do it when I feel happy, and when I’m sad or angry. Or when I worry and my anxiety stops me from being productive, while my thoughts and feelings chase each other throughout my mind and being. The only way to bring some order back to that chaos is by writing about it. Like right now.

For a while my mind is focused on the writing and not on the chaos. It brings me peace.

About an hour ago, I had a peach cider to drink.

Not sure what that has to do with anything but there it is.

Why worry. Things are starting to work out. Old problems are being solved one after the other. Life is progressing. Even if I find it hard to see that my life is moving at all, I guess it is. Time is certainly flying. I have no idea where the weeks disappear to but they certainly go there in a hurry. I can’t keep up. So, why worry?

I don’t like that I can’t communicate the things I really want to express. Many times I make no sense, or I just make silly jokes or avoid the subject. While I have a lot of things on my mind that I don’t know how to throw out there without wanting to hide instead.

Probably this worrying is due to the disorder making it hard for me to read people. I simply don’t understand them very well. From time to time I think I do but then I start to worry that I don’t. Very annoying. I try to deal with it the best way I can.

Also, I do have trouble to speak my mind when I really care about who I speak to. It makes me uneasy without me knowing why.

Other times, I worry about speaking too much about everything and use too many words while I speak. Sometimes I don’t know when to shut up.

So I worry. A lot. At times.I try to keep it at  bay. Not always lucky though. Like today.

On the other hand I know why I worry right now. Been a week of much stress and things happening that make me have to change my normal plans, which always makes me a bit anxious.

There is also the matter of worrying about being seen as a joker even when not joking. I’m always afraid of that. Yet I can’t seem to avoid setting myself up for it. Maybe I shouldn’t think so much about everything but I can’t really help it. The world is a confusing place that I always struggle to make sense of.

How much sense this makes is another thing to worry about. That’s why I end this with some music by Talking Heads:

Talking Heads – Road To Nowhere

Wonder

I do. Wonder, that is. Not that I do wonders, but I do wonder. About a lot of things.
When something grabs my attention, I often want to know all there is to know, and I don’t have time for anything else until I do know everything. Then, I often find myself much less interested, or at least that is how it seems to me.
One part curiosity and one part ASD. Being very interested in one thing at a time, wanting to learn as much as possible about it, is a common trait for individuals with ASD. I know that now. For a very long time I didn’t know why I suddenly had to learn everything about certain topics. To the point of obsession. Now that I know why, I still behave the same way, but now I understand it and can explain it to the people around me.

But that’s not the reason I’m here today.

I need to write some, in order to unload my brain so that I can sleep better. Last night I slept but it was hard to let go of the thoughts running around in my brain.
Often I tend to over think a lot. Maybe because having ASD makes me think a lot all the time about a lot of things that other people can do automatically without thinking about how to do it every step of the way.

Whatever the reason, I couldn’t stop thinking even though it was a fruitless operation at that time, so now I decided to write even if I should be doing other things.

Yesterday was a kind of surprising day. It was the 13th, which usually means bad luck, but for me it was a lucky, happy day. And a confusing one as well.
It started with some words that surprised me and also made me happy but soon got my brain to overload with thoughts. I spent the day thinking. Not that I reached any conclusions. Later on, in the evening, I looked through some old DVDs I had stored data on almost a decade ago and to my surprise I found some backup copies of music CDs I thought I had lost. So the rest of the evening and into the night I listened to that music and continued thinking. Until I fell asleep around 2 in the morning.

Shouldn’t, but will anyway

The best thing to do, would be not to write this but I’m not able to contain myself when some people just makes me want to express myself any way I can. The only way I know is in writing.
I had a stab at drawing comics & cartoons at one point in time when I was still in school but I already knew writing is my thing. Not that I think I’m any good, but I get by. And there are lots of stories unpublished from the times when I wrote fiction and not much else. Then I gave up on the fiction.
Except for a blog post or two.

Now I only spill my thoughts and feelings out. Here. This blog which I have kept going for 11 years next month. Without friends online it would never have started. Without friends online it would not have lasted this long.

So, I have to say that meeting new people online, wherever it happens, and how, is always inspiring the urge to write. Something. Anything.

However, my somewhat complicated communication skills make me doubt myself more often than not. The process of learning what comes naturally to most, is a challenge on a daily basis. Not going to dwell on that just now, though.

The reason I write this, is because I feel happy for the first time in a long time. Happy to have fun, happy to chat, happy to make jokes and play the clown or fool or court jester or whatever. Happy to be me. Happy to be alive.

Maybe it has to do with Spring coming around, the Sun being back. The warm weather. The light.

Whatever, in this case I know it to be all because of one individual. She’s a gem. At least that’s how I see it. Most likely because I feel good seeing it that way. It brings the joy of being alive back. Not when I expected it. But probably when I needed it. Anyway, I’m simply grateful for it happening.

Now I should take a chill pill and go to sleep. Due to my past, that course of action is the only sensible one. Readers of my blog will know that I have managed to go overboard on several occasions with disasters as a result.

Not this time. This time, I play my part and keep myself under wraps. Better for me, better for everyone.

So many words, so little meaning. Sorry, at least I’m being honest. I’m complicated. Only my own fault.

One friend used to tell me to not bash myself into the ground. Not only one but two friends told me that. I should not think less of myself. So now I try but I can’t say I don’t struggle with it all the time. So easy to fall into it. To feel like I’m of no use just because I stumble on the road of life, now and then.

What’s my point? No idea, but thanks for reading.