Not a clue

I feel like I don’t know what to do or say. I feel like what I do or say doesn’t work out as it used to. Probably because I don’t understand what to do or say.

It bothers me, and makes me anxious and nervous and sad. I try my best to stay positive and work my way through  all the negative thoughts and feelings that grab hold of me. Never wanted more to understand things and people the right way so I won’t fuck up but it feels like it’s not possible for me. I feel so lost and useless and small. All I wish is to be happy for myself and for others. When I can’t be, I feel like a big fail.

All the things happening lately has made me so weak and scared. There is someone I don’t want to lose but my inability to communicate properly is making me afraid I will.

Today, or yesterday, has been so exhausting that I hardly have any energy left. My brain is tired and thinking is slow.

I’m going to sleep on it and see what happens tomorrow. Still holding on to that positive thinking. Trying to. at least .

Brain

Yesterday I wrote about the feeling of missing someone more than expected. I don’t know how well I managed to explain it but it made me feel better to write about it.

Sometimes I wonder if it is good or bad to be honest and upfront about how I feel. Some things might be better not told. Or am I wrong? I can’t keep it hidden though. Not for long.

Also, my brain is a mystery to me sometimes. When there are no major problems I don’t notice it much but when problems arise that’s when I notice how my brain don’t work the way I wish. Probably sounds strange to those who don’t have the same kind of  problems  I have. Or difficulties rather.

Right now I feel like I’m creating problems out of nothing. Instead of taking it easy and going on like usual, I keep getting worried, stressed and having sudden anxiety attacks. I don’t even know why it happens. Not really.
That’s why I feel my brain is a mystery to me.

Then I keep forgetting the people I care about, and one of them in particular. Instead of being calm and collected I act very anxious and nervous lately.

Expecting more attention when I know the person is very busy and has stated not having time for much else than their business at hand for a week. Instead of understanding and respecting this like I set out to do, I find myself being clingy. Not how I am or how I want to be.

Guess it boils down to that old deep-rooted fear of not being good enough. That thought or feeling I should have done away with years ago. It keeps popping back up in my brain and I fight it over and over. I really wish I could let it go for good and just be happy.

Feels like a mission impossible most of the time  but I have to keep working on ways to handle it.

So this week I’m not being how I wanted to be. I’m not being the person I know I am and can be. I’m letting those same old fears get the better of me. I write strange things early in the morning,  I go quiet for hours and almost days, I keep feeling sorry for myself, I write about my sadness on Twitter, listen to a lot of music that only serves to make me feel even more miserable instead of making me feel better about myself.

I feel I’m letting myself down and also that person I miss. I know I can be so much better. How did I lose all of that so quickly?

I’m trying to stop feeling sorry and do things to feel better instead. Also stop making excuses and start making changes instead. And I’m trying to forgive myself instead of thinking I’m useless just because I can’t be the way I want to be at all times.

Somehow I keep getting back to the same spot. Better end this here. For now.

Away

Away.

Funny how much one small word can affect your whole world.

Don’t know about your world but that word ‘away’ surely has an effect on my world. My whole being. Didn’t think it would when I first learned you were going away for a week. I thought I would make it without any major difficulty. Perhaps miss you not being around but surely I would be OK. Not so easy, it turned out.

Now three days in, not counting last Sunday, I’m more or less a wreck from missing you.  For two months there was only one day you weren’t around and even that one evening was tough so I should have known this week wouldn’t be a piece of cake.

However, I never figured I’d feel like a part of me had been torn out, that there’d be this empty space, this void in me, where you used to be. That it would hurt to not see you, is something I didn’t count on.

Still, I try to manage. Just finding it hard to fill all this time each day that I used to spend with you with something equally satisfying. Haven’t found anything yet, though. Doubt I will.

Sleep a lot more, eat, drink, play video games, listen to music, think, write – all of it only helps so much when my soul only miss you and long for your return.

I feel bad for feeling this way when I want to be brave and strong and show myself that I can live without seeing you every day. But it seems I can’t. Trying to learn. Slowly.

 

October 2017

This is not the time for any deep thoughts. I’m still going to have to express myself in some fashion.

Doing things because it gives me pleasure now has a tendency to cause me pain later. Despite that I know this from doing it more than once, I still seem to think the next time will be different.

Yet here I am. Later. Same result. When will I ever learn?

Never? Probably.

Now it would seem that makes me somewhat stupid but I’m sure I can learn some day. Just not now.

On the other hand, it only harms me. This time. And it helps others so somewhere down the line I still hope it will bring me some good in return.

Oh, and October has arrived. Another step closer to the end of the year. Closer to a new beginning.

If I stopped making sense, I apologize. Thoughts are running left and right today. Will be a while until I can sort them out in writing like I used to do here while I was up and running. Now I take too long to write something new. Long enough to forget how to do it. Or so it seems.

Later, readers.

Why am I here?

The question most frequently asked by my readers. No, I’m kidding. I have no idea what my readers would ask me. Sometimes I think I would like to know but then I don’t. The thing is I never wrote this for any readers…Well, not entirely true. There were a few people I hoped would read this back when I started. I hoped they would read and be impressed by my genius. And by my writing skills. Maybe they were impressed, maybe not. They never really told me except for a few very good and valid comments.

Where this is going? As usual, I have no idea. It all started with a headline. Then I keep writing for as long as I like and that’s what the post will be.

My focus groups all agree with this strategy. If I had any or a strategy. The point is that this is pointless but still has a point. Something to waste time with.

Now that I’ve got your attention I will proceed with some interesting facts about my mental state of mind. As if.

Ok, so this is a pointless row of words. My world, why a word has to have a point. Can it not just be a word finding its place in the great sentence of things and still have value?

The truth is out there. The truth is not out there, the truth is inside our minds. Where else would it reside? The out there can’t keep it alive or make any sense of anything. That’s what thoughts are for. Not saying that thoughts can’t go astray, because they can and they do. Like right now. Who can tell if a thought is true or false? What about thoughts about the out there then? Good question, next question.

Out.

The one or the other

Sometimes, I know I will fall right down the black hole of negative thinking even before anything has given me reason to. At those times it’s not anything or anyone outside of me that is the cause of the negative thinking, only my own habit of being pessimistic about myself  rather than optimistic. Or at lest realistic.

The other day that dark cloud of negative thoughts came sailing towards me again. For no good reason other than my own mind forming it. This time, I didn’t let it rain on me. This time I fought that cloud back and let the sun keep on warming me with positive thoughts.

Any other day, or month or year, I would have been caught in the cold rain of that cloud. Maybe not for long but I would have let it rain. Not this time.

I refused to let myself drag me down in misery. I couldn’t see any reason to let it, no sane reason anyway.

I consider this a small victory. To be able to force myself to stay positive in the face of unmotivated negative thinking has been a losing battle all my life. It has always been so much easier to succumb to negativity with or without any kind of reason. At the same time I’ve always found it easy to remain positive about everyone around me. Always optimistic about other people but not often about myself.

Maybe I’m finally starting to allow myself to be positive more often than not.

During the week I have been reading a book about living with ASD as an adult, and I found it to be very helpful. For decades before being diagnosed, I often thought I was just stupid or lazy for not being able to be like “normal” people, or for not being able to do things the way “normal” people are expected to. Or most of all for not being able to understand others  and communicate like “normal” people.

Now I know I don’t need to use all my energy to try to conform or change. I’m never going to be able to anyway and I’m allowed to be me, just the way I am.

And now, the news

News flash:

Nothing. No, not really, but I wouldn’t report it as news.

The chaos in my  brain is best defeated by writing.

Last few days have seen some changes happening. Good ones in the long run.

I can look forward to a slight improvement of my situation. After 5 years at the bottom of the pool, this is good news for me. And believe me, you do not want to be at the bottom of the pool. Not recommended. You live and you learn, though.

To be in the position to start over after these long years of just survival takes some getting used to . I haven’t gotten my head adjusted for it yet. Thoughts and feelings are all over the place and I haven’t slept very well for a few days.

But I expect to regain my footing soon.

In other news:

Nothing. Very little.

The days go by and I keep watching for good news without finding any at all.

The job front:

No improvement. I keep searching. Motivation is hard to maintain when there’s so little gain. However I still struggle on.

My brother will be visiting by the end of June. Will be nice.

Other than that. Not much happening. Days follow days  and time runs away.