Feelings

All posts tagged Feelings

And now, the news

Published 06/10/2016 by MoonieZ

News flash:

Nothing. No, not really, but I wouldn’t report it as news.

The chaos in my  brain is best defeated by writing.

Last few days have seen some changes happening. Good ones in the long run.

I can look forward to a slight improvement of my situation. After 5 years at the bottom of the pool, this is good news for me. And believe me, you do not want to be at the bottom of the pool. Not recommended. You live and you learn, though.

To be in the position to start over after these long years of just survival takes some getting used to . I haven’t gotten my head adjusted for it yet. Thoughts and feelings are all over the place and I haven’t slept very well for a few days.

But I expect to regain my footing soon.

In other news:

Nothing. Very little.

The days go by and I keep watching for good news without finding any at all.

The job front:

No improvement. I keep searching. Motivation is hard to maintain when there’s so little gain. However I still struggle on.

My brother will be visiting by the end of June. Will be nice.

Other than that. Not much happening. Days follow days  and time runs away.

Untitled

Published 05/28/2016 by MoonieZ

Hello!

I’m back to haunt you once more. Just when you thought it safe to return to this deserted blog on the edge of town. Not far from the darkness that dwells there.

Anyway, I’ve had some interesting days to say the least.

Many laps around the rollercoaster called life lately. Many different feelings. Highs and lows.

Some matters have been resolved, some are pending and some remains to be seen where they end up.

Still, the question of where to live, where to move to, remains ro be resolved. I’m still not sure what I really want to do but I’m not alone in making the change. My brothers have a say in it also.

Getting help from the municipality seems to be a long struggle where the eventual outcome is highly uncertain.

Finding a place to rent is not easy, and buying one in the current market is very expensive. So, to make a long story short, I’m kind of stuck where I am for the time being.

I feel a lot of stress due to this situation, and I’m not sure anyone else really understand how I feel. My ASD is not making having an uncertain future any easier or less stressful.

Luckily I have some nice people to communicate with who help take my mind off of the stress and let me have fun and enjoy myself. I’m very  grateful to have them around.

Perhaps I could manage without friends but I feel it makes life easier to have a few. Most of my life I haven’t had many friends. Most of the time only one or two or none at all.

I don’t find friends easily, and I have some trouble keeping them. I have trouble with social interactions and don’t like being around many people at once.

One at a time, works best for me. Not always easy to explain to everyone I happen to meet.

Summer is around the corner. Some beautiful warm days have already passed by but I hope the best is yet to come.

Then there is the matter of grief. One thinks it will fade away through the passing of time but it doesn’t work that way. I’d say it starts to sink its claws in you when you think it has disappeared. Every month around the 22nd, I have a minor breakdown. I think I will always feel that way. I know I will always miss my parents, and perhaps my mother more than my father because I spent more time with my mother and because my mother’s passing happened so fast. There was no way to say goodbye.

I find that music helps a lot to sort out all kinds of feelings.

Sunday,May 22, 2016

Published 05/22/2016 by MoonieZ

Sunday.

Sunny as Saturday was but mostly cloudy,  I wasn’t much outside. The plan was to get some boring things done that really need doing but for which I have lost all motivation.

So, I’m seated here after midnight with all the work still to do. However, I will not start now. Instead, I’m off to sleep and then to dream.

When I wake up I really have to get my sh*t together, or there will be hell to pay later.

At least my worried mood from a few days ago has vanished. I got some help to get my brain back on track and for that I’m happy.

The struggle to keep my self in order is not easy and it takes a lot of energy away from me. Energy I could make better use of.

Friday night was a fun time though. I got to forget about all the problems and enjoy a few hours of good fun and laughter among other things.

I slept very well after that. All the way to the afternoon. Then I woke up with the energy I lacked the day before, but I didn’t put it to good use. I daydreamed the afternoon away all the way into the night, and here I am.

Some part of me tells me I might never finish this post. With all the distractions of late.

Anyway, I no longer remember where i was going with this so I might just stop right here and let my clever readers figure out the rest.

 

The only thing to do

Published 05/19/2016 by MoonieZ

What? To write.

I do it when I feel happy, and when I’m sad or angry. Or when I worry and my anxiety stops me from being productive, while my thoughts and feelings chase each other throughout my mind and being. The only way to bring some order back to that chaos is by writing about it. Like right now.

For a while my mind is focused on the writing and not on the chaos. It brings me peace.

About an hour ago, I had a peach cider to drink.

Not sure what that has to do with anything but there it is.

Why worry. Things are starting to work out. Old problems are being solved one after the other. Life is progressing. Even if I find it hard to see that my life is moving at all, I guess it is. Time is certainly flying. I have no idea where the weeks disappear to but they certainly go there in a hurry. I can’t keep up. So, why worry?

I don’t like that I can’t communicate the things I really want to express. Many times I make no sense, or I just make silly jokes or avoid the subject. While I have a lot of things on my mind that I don’t know how to throw out there without wanting to hide instead.

Probably this worrying is due to the disorder making it hard for me to read people. I simply don’t understand them very well. From time to time I think I do but then I start to worry that I don’t. Very annoying. I try to deal with it the best way I can.

Also, I do have trouble to speak my mind when I really care about who I speak to. It makes me uneasy without me knowing why.

Other times, I worry about speaking too much about everything and use too many words while I speak. Sometimes I don’t know when to shut up.

So I worry. A lot. At times.I try to keep it at  bay. Not always lucky though. Like today.

On the other hand I know why I worry right now. Been a week of much stress and things happening that make me have to change my normal plans, which always makes me a bit anxious.

There is also the matter of worrying about being seen as a joker even when not joking. I’m always afraid of that. Yet I can’t seem to avoid setting myself up for it. Maybe I shouldn’t think so much about everything but I can’t really help it. The world is a confusing place that I always struggle to make sense of.

How much sense this makes is another thing to worry about. That’s why I end this with some music by Talking Heads:

Talking Heads – Road To Nowhere

Shouldn’t, but will anyway

Published 05/03/2016 by MoonieZ

The best thing to do, would be not to write this but I’m not able to contain myself when some people just makes me want to express myself any way I can. The only way I know is in writing.
I had a stab at drawing comics & cartoons at one point in time when I was still in school but I already knew writing is my thing. Not that I think I’m any good, but I get by. And there are lots of stories unpublished from the times when I wrote fiction and not much else. Then I gave up on the fiction.
Except for a blog post or two.

Now I only spill my thoughts and feelings out. Here. This blog which I have kept going for 11 years next month. Without friends online it would never have started. Without friends online it would not have lasted this long.

So, I have to say that meeting new people online, wherever it happens, and how, is always inspiring the urge to write. Something. Anything.

However, my somewhat complicated communication skills make me doubt myself more often than not. The process of learning what comes naturally to most, is a challenge on a daily basis. Not going to dwell on that just now, though.

The reason I write this, is because I feel happy for the first time in a long time. Happy to have fun, happy to chat, happy to make jokes and play the clown or fool or court jester or whatever. Happy to be me. Happy to be alive.

Maybe it has to do with Spring coming around, the Sun being back. The warm weather. The light.

Whatever, in this case I know it to be all because of one individual. She’s a gem. At least that’s how I see it. Most likely because I feel good seeing it that way. It brings the joy of being alive back. Not when I expected it. But probably when I needed it. Anyway, I’m simply grateful for it happening.

Now I should take a chill pill and go to sleep. Due to my past, that course of action is the only sensible one. Readers of my blog will know that I have managed to go overboard on several occasions with disasters as a result.

Not this time. This time, I play my part and keep myself under wraps. Better for me, better for everyone.

So many words, so little meaning. Sorry, at least I’m being honest. I’m complicated. Only my own fault.

One friend used to tell me to not bash myself into the ground. Not only one but two friends told me that. I should not think less of myself. So now I try but I can’t say I don’t struggle with it all the time. So easy to fall into it. To feel like I’m of no use just because I stumble on the road of life, now and then.

What’s my point? No idea, but thanks for reading.

Changes

Published 01/30/2016 by MoonieZ

Soon, maybe next week, I will know. I will have the answer to the question of my potential disorder.

Right now I’m in a state of anxious anticipation. Part of me want to know, part of me would rather not know. Despite all the time I have waited for this answer, I’m not sure how to handle it if the outcome isn’t the one I hope it will be.

If it isn’t, I’m back to square one again, and I don’t think I will be able to cope.

So many years of struggle on my own, not knowing why things haven’t worked out. Years of feeling like a failure. Emotional pain and suffering. Anxiety and stress.

I don’t want any more of that. I want to be able to have some hope for a better tomorrow. Right now, I don’t even know if I will survive if the outcome isn’t what I hope it will be. The last year has been a struggle to get back on my feet, to fight my way out a depression that could have killed me, had I not asked for help. Now, I feel myself slipping back into depression but I manage to keep it at bay. There are so many things to sort out in the coming months, I haven’t got time for a depression to drain my energy.

My future will be decided very soon. I try to be positive but deep down I feel alone and scared. Afraid of what will happen next. That’s how I am. I wish I wasn’t thinking that all the best is behind me. I want to look forward to something better.

But I see the same things happening again and again. The problems of me not knowing how to function like a normal person would. I do too much or too little. I say the wrong things, I misread people. I get it wrong, when trying to get it right.

Well, I’ll be back with the results when I have them.

Late August

Published 08/29/2015 by MoonieZ

Hi there,

Last Saturday of August 2015.

I know I have neglected this blog most of this year and I can’t promise that it will change anytime soon.

However, I saw the need for some kind of update so I started to write this.

Life feels like it has never really started. Last night while trying to sleep I thought of how many times I wished things were different over the years.

I also thought of all the energy, time and money I have invested in the wrong efforts, while trying to find things I wanted or needed in all the wrongs places.

Then trying to accept that it all came to nothing at all and also deal with regrets and feelings of stupidity.

Anyway, my depression has slightly faded. I feel somewhat better now, even if some days are rather blah.  My sleep is better, and the anxiety is almost all gone.

My life hasn’t changed though and I haven’t started to try to change anything.

I wait for the tests to start that will help to determine my diagnosis. Clearly I know I have a disorder but I need it to be confirmed so that I can request the support I need to make it less of a problem. Maybe then I can start to change my life around for the better. Or at least try.

Right now, while waiting, I don’t see any point to try to change much.

On the job front there is nothing new. Nothing happens. I don’t expect anything will happen.

In a few months time I have been unemployed for nine years, more or less.

I spend my time trying to feel as good as possible while working my way out of the depression.

I don’t think of suicide anymore. I know that is not the way out but back in January it seemed like a tempting alternative to the darkness I found myself in.

Lately I have started to be able to enjoy music and movies again. But I still get tired rather fast when trying to watch a whole movie.

Being outside a lot, enjoying the Summer, has also helped me to get better during the last few months.

Visits by family and relatives has been fun but at times too much for my brain to deal with.