Yesterday I wrote about the feeling of missing someone more than expected. I don’t know how well I managed to explain it but it made me feel better to write about it.
Sometimes I wonder if it is good or bad to be honest and upfront about how I feel. Some things might be better not told. Or am I wrong? I can’t keep it hidden though. Not for long.
Also, my brain is a mystery to me sometimes. When there are no major problems I don’t notice it much but when problems arise that’s when I notice how my brain don’t work the way I wish. Probably sounds strange to those who don’t have the same kind of problems I have. Or difficulties rather.
Right now I feel like I’m creating problems out of nothing. Instead of taking it easy and going on like usual, I keep getting worried, stressed and having sudden anxiety attacks. I don’t even know why it happens. Not really.
That’s why I feel my brain is a mystery to me.
Then I keep forgetting the people I care about, and one of them in particular. Instead of being calm and collected I act very anxious and nervous lately.
Expecting more attention when I know the person is very busy and has stated not having time for much else than their business at hand for a week. Instead of understanding and respecting this like I set out to do, I find myself being clingy. Not how I am or how I want to be.
Guess it boils down to that old deep-rooted fear of not being good enough. That thought or feeling I should have done away with years ago. It keeps popping back up in my brain and I fight it over and over. I really wish I could let it go for good and just be happy.
Feels like a mission impossible most of the time but I have to keep working on ways to handle it.
So this week I’m not being how I wanted to be. I’m not being the person I know I am and can be. I’m letting those same old fears get the better of me. I write strange things early in the morning, I go quiet for hours and almost days, I keep feeling sorry for myself, I write about my sadness on Twitter, listen to a lot of music that only serves to make me feel even more miserable instead of making me feel better about myself.
I feel I’m letting myself down and also that person I miss. I know I can be so much better. How did I lose all of that so quickly?
I’m trying to stop feeling sorry and do things to feel better instead. Also stop making excuses and start making changes instead. And I’m trying to forgive myself instead of thinking I’m useless just because I can’t be the way I want to be at all times.
Somehow I keep getting back to the same spot. Better end this here. For now.