Feelings

All posts tagged Feelings

Brain

Published 11/16/2017 by MoonieZ

Yesterday I wrote about the feeling of missing someone more than expected. I don’t know how well I managed to explain it but it made me feel better to write about it.

Sometimes I wonder if it is good or bad to be honest and upfront about how I feel. Some things might be better not told. Or am I wrong? I can’t keep it hidden though. Not for long.

Also, my brain is a mystery to me sometimes. When there are no major problems I don’t notice it much but when problems arise that’s when I notice how my brain don’t work the way I wish. Probably sounds strange to those who don’t have the same kind of  problems  I have. Or difficulties rather.

Right now I feel like I’m creating problems out of nothing. Instead of taking it easy and going on like usual, I keep getting worried, stressed and having sudden anxiety attacks. I don’t even know why it happens. Not really.
That’s why I feel my brain is a mystery to me.

Then I keep forgetting the people I care about, and one of them in particular. Instead of being calm and collected I act very anxious and nervous lately.

Expecting more attention when I know the person is very busy and has stated not having time for much else than their business at hand for a week. Instead of understanding and respecting this like I set out to do, I find myself being clingy. Not how I am or how I want to be.

Guess it boils down to that old deep-rooted fear of not being good enough. That thought or feeling I should have done away with years ago. It keeps popping back up in my brain and I fight it over and over. I really wish I could let it go for good and just be happy.

Feels like a mission impossible most of the time  but I have to keep working on ways to handle it.

So this week I’m not being how I wanted to be. I’m not being the person I know I am and can be. I’m letting those same old fears get the better of me. I write strange things early in the morning,  I go quiet for hours and almost days, I keep feeling sorry for myself, I write about my sadness on Twitter, listen to a lot of music that only serves to make me feel even more miserable instead of making me feel better about myself.

I feel I’m letting myself down and also that person I miss. I know I can be so much better. How did I lose all of that so quickly?

I’m trying to stop feeling sorry and do things to feel better instead. Also stop making excuses and start making changes instead. And I’m trying to forgive myself instead of thinking I’m useless just because I can’t be the way I want to be at all times.

Somehow I keep getting back to the same spot. Better end this here. For now.

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Away

Published 11/15/2017 by MoonieZ

Away.

Funny how much one small word can affect your whole world.

Don’t know about your world but that word ‘away’ surely has an effect on my world. My whole being. Didn’t think it would when I first learned you were going away for a week. I thought I would make it without any major difficulty. Perhaps miss you not being around but surely I would be OK. Not so easy, it turned out.

Now three days in, not counting last Sunday, I’m more or less a wreck from missing you.  For two months there was only one day you weren’t around and even that one evening was tough so I should have known this week wouldn’t be a piece of cake.

However, I never figured I’d feel like a part of me had been torn out, that there’d be this empty space, this void in me, where you used to be. That it would hurt to not see you, is something I didn’t count on.

Still, I try to manage. Just finding it hard to fill all this time each day that I used to spend with you with something equally satisfying. Haven’t found anything yet, though. Doubt I will.

Sleep a lot more, eat, drink, play video games, listen to music, think, write – all of it only helps so much when my soul only miss you and long for your return.

I feel bad for feeling this way when I want to be brave and strong and show myself that I can live without seeing you every day. But it seems I can’t. Trying to learn. Slowly.

 

And now, the news

Published 06/10/2016 by MoonieZ

News flash:

Nothing. No, not really, but I wouldn’t report it as news.

The chaos in my  brain is best defeated by writing.

Last few days have seen some changes happening. Good ones in the long run.

I can look forward to a slight improvement of my situation. After 5 years at the bottom of the pool, this is good news for me. And believe me, you do not want to be at the bottom of the pool. Not recommended. You live and you learn, though.

To be in the position to start over after these long years of just survival takes some getting used to . I haven’t gotten my head adjusted for it yet. Thoughts and feelings are all over the place and I haven’t slept very well for a few days.

But I expect to regain my footing soon.

In other news:

Nothing. Very little.

The days go by and I keep watching for good news without finding any at all.

The job front:

No improvement. I keep searching. Motivation is hard to maintain when there’s so little gain. However I still struggle on.

My brother will be visiting by the end of June. Will be nice.

Other than that. Not much happening. Days follow days  and time runs away.

Untitled

Published 05/28/2016 by MoonieZ

Hello!

I’m back to haunt you once more. Just when you thought it safe to return to this deserted blog on the edge of town. Not far from the darkness that dwells there.

Anyway, I’ve had some interesting days to say the least.

Many laps around the rollercoaster called life lately. Many different feelings. Highs and lows.

Some matters have been resolved, some are pending and some remains to be seen where they end up.

Still, the question of where to live, where to move to, remains ro be resolved. I’m still not sure what I really want to do but I’m not alone in making the change. My brothers have a say in it also.

Getting help from the municipality seems to be a long struggle where the eventual outcome is highly uncertain.

Finding a place to rent is not easy, and buying one in the current market is very expensive. So, to make a long story short, I’m kind of stuck where I am for the time being.

I feel a lot of stress due to this situation, and I’m not sure anyone else really understand how I feel. My ASD is not making having an uncertain future any easier or less stressful.

Luckily I have some nice people to communicate with who help take my mind off of the stress and let me have fun and enjoy myself. I’m very  grateful to have them around.

Perhaps I could manage without friends but I feel it makes life easier to have a few. Most of my life I haven’t had many friends. Most of the time only one or two or none at all.

I don’t find friends easily, and I have some trouble keeping them. I have trouble with social interactions and don’t like being around many people at once.

One at a time, works best for me. Not always easy to explain to everyone I happen to meet.

Summer is around the corner. Some beautiful warm days have already passed by but I hope the best is yet to come.

Then there is the matter of grief. One thinks it will fade away through the passing of time but it doesn’t work that way. I’d say it starts to sink its claws in you when you think it has disappeared. Every month around the 22nd, I have a minor breakdown. I think I will always feel that way. I know I will always miss my parents, and perhaps my mother more than my father because I spent more time with my mother and because my mother’s passing happened so fast. There was no way to say goodbye.

I find that music helps a lot to sort out all kinds of feelings.

Sunday,May 22, 2016

Published 05/22/2016 by MoonieZ

Sunday.

Sunny as Saturday was but mostly cloudy,  I wasn’t much outside. The plan was to get some boring things done that really need doing but for which I have lost all motivation.

So, I’m seated here after midnight with all the work still to do. However, I will not start now. Instead, I’m off to sleep and then to dream.

When I wake up I really have to get my sh*t together, or there will be hell to pay later.

At least my worried mood from a few days ago has vanished. I got some help to get my brain back on track and for that I’m happy.

The struggle to keep my self in order is not easy and it takes a lot of energy away from me. Energy I could make better use of.

Friday night was a fun time though. I got to forget about all the problems and enjoy a few hours of good fun and laughter among other things.

I slept very well after that. All the way to the afternoon. Then I woke up with the energy I lacked the day before, but I didn’t put it to good use. I daydreamed the afternoon away all the way into the night, and here I am.

Some part of me tells me I might never finish this post. With all the distractions of late.

Anyway, I no longer remember where i was going with this so I might just stop right here and let my clever readers figure out the rest.

 

The only thing to do

Published 05/19/2016 by MoonieZ

What? To write.

I do it when I feel happy, and when I’m sad or angry. Or when I worry and my anxiety stops me from being productive, while my thoughts and feelings chase each other throughout my mind and being. The only way to bring some order back to that chaos is by writing about it. Like right now.

For a while my mind is focused on the writing and not on the chaos. It brings me peace.

About an hour ago, I had a peach cider to drink.

Not sure what that has to do with anything but there it is.

Why worry. Things are starting to work out. Old problems are being solved one after the other. Life is progressing. Even if I find it hard to see that my life is moving at all, I guess it is. Time is certainly flying. I have no idea where the weeks disappear to but they certainly go there in a hurry. I can’t keep up. So, why worry?

I don’t like that I can’t communicate the things I really want to express. Many times I make no sense, or I just make silly jokes or avoid the subject. While I have a lot of things on my mind that I don’t know how to throw out there without wanting to hide instead.

Probably this worrying is due to the disorder making it hard for me to read people. I simply don’t understand them very well. From time to time I think I do but then I start to worry that I don’t. Very annoying. I try to deal with it the best way I can.

Also, I do have trouble to speak my mind when I really care about who I speak to. It makes me uneasy without me knowing why.

Other times, I worry about speaking too much about everything and use too many words while I speak. Sometimes I don’t know when to shut up.

So I worry. A lot. At times.I try to keep it at  bay. Not always lucky though. Like today.

On the other hand I know why I worry right now. Been a week of much stress and things happening that make me have to change my normal plans, which always makes me a bit anxious.

There is also the matter of worrying about being seen as a joker even when not joking. I’m always afraid of that. Yet I can’t seem to avoid setting myself up for it. Maybe I shouldn’t think so much about everything but I can’t really help it. The world is a confusing place that I always struggle to make sense of.

How much sense this makes is another thing to worry about. That’s why I end this with some music by Talking Heads:

Talking Heads – Road To Nowhere

Shouldn’t, but will anyway

Published 05/03/2016 by MoonieZ

The best thing to do, would be not to write this but I’m not able to contain myself when some people just makes me want to express myself any way I can. The only way I know is in writing.
I had a stab at drawing comics & cartoons at one point in time when I was still in school but I already knew writing is my thing. Not that I think I’m any good, but I get by. And there are lots of stories unpublished from the times when I wrote fiction and not much else. Then I gave up on the fiction.
Except for a blog post or two.

Now I only spill my thoughts and feelings out. Here. This blog which I have kept going for 11 years next month. Without friends online it would never have started. Without friends online it would not have lasted this long.

So, I have to say that meeting new people online, wherever it happens, and how, is always inspiring the urge to write. Something. Anything.

However, my somewhat complicated communication skills make me doubt myself more often than not. The process of learning what comes naturally to most, is a challenge on a daily basis. Not going to dwell on that just now, though.

The reason I write this, is because I feel happy for the first time in a long time. Happy to have fun, happy to chat, happy to make jokes and play the clown or fool or court jester or whatever. Happy to be me. Happy to be alive.

Maybe it has to do with Spring coming around, the Sun being back. The warm weather. The light.

Whatever, in this case I know it to be all because of one individual. She’s a gem. At least that’s how I see it. Most likely because I feel good seeing it that way. It brings the joy of being alive back. Not when I expected it. But probably when I needed it. Anyway, I’m simply grateful for it happening.

Now I should take a chill pill and go to sleep. Due to my past, that course of action is the only sensible one. Readers of my blog will know that I have managed to go overboard on several occasions with disasters as a result.

Not this time. This time, I play my part and keep myself under wraps. Better for me, better for everyone.

So many words, so little meaning. Sorry, at least I’m being honest. I’m complicated. Only my own fault.

One friend used to tell me to not bash myself into the ground. Not only one but two friends told me that. I should not think less of myself. So now I try but I can’t say I don’t struggle with it all the time. So easy to fall into it. To feel like I’m of no use just because I stumble on the road of life, now and then.

What’s my point? No idea, but thanks for reading.

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