The unexpected

Most of the time I have no clue where I’ll end up when I start to write. Sometimes that works very well but at other times the result is just a mess of unfinished ideas.

What this will end up being is impossible to tell at this stage.

Same feeling of not knowing what will be or even happen next is what I’ve got when I see my new friend online.

Even as I like the constant status of never knowing what will happen next , it doesn’t always sit well with my anxiety and worry about not being able to predict what will happen. At times I succumb to a lot of emotional stress but I do my best to fight it.

The overall feeling is happiness after all. Perhaps even a level of happiness I have never experienced before. So spending time with my friend is most likely only good for me. Despite the fact that I sometimes worry a lot.

However, I think I’m also learning to handle my fears and worries about the unpredictable unknown through the interaction with my friend. So, I’m positive about the whole experience. Even if it drains a lot energy from me it also gives me energy and makes the rest of my life easier to handle.  I’m not feeling all alone anymore.  I have something to care about – and someone to care about. It takes me away from only thinking about my problems and worrying about them. Instead I can focus on others, and on having fun.

Surely, I could do this without the internet and the online world but even if it’s a mediated experience it’s still about social interaction and dealing with real thoughts and feelings so I do think it’s all good in the end.

Still I’m sometimes surprised about all of this and find myself wondering if it’s just” a dream I will eventually wake up from,  but then I remember it is actually really happening here and now.

Some more

There comes a time when you…. know the time has come to raise….your keyboard and start to type yet again.

What about, is not entirely clear.

The reader might remember a previous update about a new friend I have been spending a lot time with for the past two months. If the reader can’t remember that update, it doesn’t matter.

To spend all this time keeps me on my toes, as I’m constantly learning a lot of things about myself, about her and life in general.

Often I find myself going outside of my comfort zone to try things I never thought I would ever consider doing. I find it to be more fun than I expected.

All of this makes me feel so much more alive.  The only worry I have is that it won’t last forever.

 

Sunday morning

Hi.

Woke up early but still it was almost too late.  However, the first activity this morning – after getting up and going to the computer to say hi to a new friend – was to engage in a relaxed but intense masturbation session.  It had been a while since I had a really good one so I made the best of the morning wood. Also helped to take my mind off of the awful headlines about attacks, violence, disasters, murder and war  filling my favorite news media sites. Decided to deal with them later.

The resulting orgasm was rather satisfying, even though I rarely take the time to analyze or rate the experience. I’m a guy, I don’t think much about the concept while I’m at it (or at all), I simply expect a certain amount of manual labor and manipulation of a certain part of my body to result in a climactic release of fluid. I leave the deep philosophic aspects of  the subject to humans of the female persuasion.

Then I had a cookie for breakfast.

Soon enough I was working my way through the timelines of my social media services: Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, Tumblr while also keeping an eye at a cam chat site.  In the back of my mind a thought was lurking. a thought about writing this text you are now reading.  I used to write these more often but this year they have been mostly absent from my blog. The need to write has not been that great but maybe it has started to grow again.

Meanwhile the neighborhood was so quiet I imagined being the last living person on Earth. Then I thought, that idea has been done too many times, don’t go there. So I didn’t. Instead I thought about turning some music on, really loud, but decided against that idea. No reason to provoke the neighbors, never know how long they will want to pay the taxes that help pay for the small economic benefits I depend on for  my survival.

I ended up writing this text. That’s where my Sunday is at, at this very moment.  Now. if I could only find a way to finish this, so it can be posted while the Sunday is still around, I’d be happy.

That said, I think dinner time is approaching, so I’ll have to stop.

Words at random

Evening! Or night. rather, as it is past midnight when this is written – or typed.  Best to be honest, never know who might be reading this. That’s the beauty of a public blog. I never know who reads it or when or where they do it. Of course I know of some who reads it  – the ones who lets me know about it by leaving comments or sends me tweets or email. But those aren’t that many, and I know I have some followers of this blog so I suppose they read it – at least from time to time. Then there are those who arrive at my blog at random, from all over the world. I never know who they are but I notice they have been here.

Funny, when I started back in the summer of 2005, I didn’t think anyone would bother to read anything here. Or at least not many and not a lot. In fact, I only started because of one person asking me if I was doing anything creative. She’s still around the internet, I still see her online from time to time. Probably I have written this before but I’ll do it once more just to say thanks for the inspiration to get me started. Who knows if I’d still be here typing almost nine years later if I had never entered that chat room over at that site and started talking.

Lately, I have found my blog to be lacking in good writing. I don’t post a lot, and when I do I find my texts to be short, shallow and mostly pointless parades of random words. Not like it used to be. Over the years I have published some very personal texts dealing with my life in many ways.

Dreams don’t come true if they’re not pursued. Dreaming it is not enough. You have to chase the dream. Catch it and make it real. I have just been dreaming my life away, never getting started. Probably my fear of failure is to blame, which means the only person I can point my finger at is me, myself and I. My fault. All my fault.

Never got going, never wanted it bad enough to run after it and risk not catching up to it. Rather just keep dreaming while time runs away.

Same story about almost everything.  Like love. Don’t even get me started on that topic. Endless row of failures, of maybe I ought to but what if I fail type of moments.

Been chasing love in all the wrong places with all the wrong tools. In fact, have yet to figure out how to chase it down at all. How the damn game is played.

So, stuck at watching John Hughes old movies and let my thoughts shake hands with my memories of youth while my dreams of romance slips its damp hand into mine and takes me for a stroll in dreamland.

Yeah, at least there’s one genius in the family: my oldest nephew – the music video director.  Below this text of mine you’ll find a new directing and editing effort of his.

So damn proud of him. When we grew up, he was like my little brother more than he was my nephew and I always knew he’d get where he wanted to go. Wouldn’t let anything stop him. Unlike me he seems to have managed his fears of failure, been courageous enough to keep on going no matter how long or how hard the road.

Veronica Maggio – Hela huset (ft. Håkan Hellström)

Accidents

Not really an accident but sometimes it feels like it was by accident it started. However I can’t say I regret it, because I do enjoy every moment so far. Not to mention how it makes me feel better about myself and my life. Helps me forget some problems for a few hours and lets me have some fun.

I haven’t got much more to say.  My wish is for it to just be as good as it is right now for as long as possible. That’s really all I would want from it.

Through the years I’ve learned a lot from mistakes and this time around, I’m going to make sure I won’t make the same mistakes all over again. This time I’m going to prove to myself that I have actually learned from the past and evolved.

So much for the online fun stuff.

Spring is still waiting to return but the weather is still not so bad. Only cold. Days are sunny and the sun melts the snow but not as fast as I’d like.

At the office it’s business as usual. I managed to get some work done this week thanks to the energy gained from my online interactions.  Now the Easter holiday weekend has begun. I’ll be spending it at home probably. Can’t afford much else.

However, I’m used to this situation and it doesn’t bother me much anymore. Life is the way it is. I will try to enjoy it as much as possible anyway.

Now I need to sleep, as I have some chores to do tomorrow.

Tuesday

Just another day. Ended a lot better than it started. Well, it started ok, so I’m not saying it was bad at all. Just a lot of snow to shovel away.  Then I did some other work and even later I had some dinner. Watched MasterChef on TV and then went out to shovel some snow again. Got back inside in time to have a nice chat with a friend.

So, all in all, my Tuesday has been good. Now there is only a few minutes left of it so there’s not much more to tell. Not if I want to publish this while it’s still Tuesday. Looks like I won’t make it.

I would if I had stopped typing in time but I didn’t. Only now. Anyway I’m too distracted to finish this right now.

 

Bad luck

Last week ended with some bad luck when my internet connection dropped out for most of the weekend. Yesterday evening it was back up and running at last.

But last night (or early this morning in my part of the world) I missed seeing a friend online which makes me kind of sad. I didn’t think I wouldn’t wake up in time, but I was obviously sleeping better than I thought I was. Didn’t hear my alarm clock or anything.

Anyway, I know it was “just” a chat I missed but I kind of don’t miss out on these things very often for any reason at all so it bothers me that I did this time. Also, it would have been nice to be there due to everything else being kind of bad at the moment.

My mother has more health problems. Both hearing aid  and new glasses will be needed, judging from the latest checkups by doctors.

The job search has not resulted in any interest or interviews from employers. My blog project at the office is moving forward very slowly. I seem to have lost direction and momentum lately.  My financial situation continues to be rather bad but I’ve learned to live with it.

The summer weather is mostly rain but now and then there are sunny days or parts of days.

I miss driving, but the car my uncle lent me can’t be repaired so it looks like I won’t be driving again for a long time. For  a time it looked like the car could be fixed but then the guy who was repairing it found out there are too many damaged parts of the engine to make it worthwhile to repair it since it’s an old car.

So, mostly life is not great.

Only one way to go though: forward.

Cold weekend

The weather made this a cold weekend but I can’t say it wasn’t a fun one anyway.

Seeing friends in chat rooms and enjoying some fun and interesting conversations made this weekend great. Not that I’m entirely happy with my own contribution to the fun but I guess I’m not always at the top of my game so to speak.  Been feeling kind of nervous again which I haven’t for a long time before but it seems to be something that comes and goes and I never know why. Just try to deal with it.

Also had some fun on Twitter.

One other good thing is that I have had a lot less problems with pain the past week. I really think I will be able to cure this on my own. Wouldn’t be a day too soon if the pain goes away. However if it doesn’t, I will have to go see a doctor about it. Been too long.

What else this weekend? Not a lot. Listening to music, watching TV, eating, drinking, sleeping. Not much else.  Kind of normal weekend. Had some chores that got neglected due to the bad weather but nothing that can’t be done later.

I did plan to write some more for this blog but I’ve found it hard to think of anything lately. At least anything new. There would have been  no problem to write once more about certain thoughts, feelings and people but I think I’ve done enough of that for the time being. Lately, this blog has lacked some really funny and good posts about other matters but I can’t seem to get anything written. At least nothing I want to share with you, my readers.

Next week starts in less than two hours. I can’t promise anything but I hope to be able to do some updates during the week. Time will tell.

Last but not least I wish everyone a Happy Sunday and a good start of the new week!

Marching on to March

Hello, it’s early morning March 1.

I hope you are not asleep because this is my first post this month. Of course this post just might put you to sleep but that’s another matter.

I woke up at 4am for no reason and happened to see I had missed seeing a friend who was online. For a minute or two I thought about going back to sleep or if I should check if my friend would still be on. Finally I got up and walked over to my computer to check. Luckily I wasn’t totally too late. Even more luckily I don’t have to go to the office today and tomorrow it’s closed so I have a long weekend even if I still have things to do so I’m not actually off for two days, only for one but it’s still good.

This week has not been too good until today. I’ve had a lot of pain and problems and been feeling rather depressed for many reasons. Sometimes the reality of my situation gets the better of me. And everything else that has gone wrong or seems to go wrong does not make me any less sad.

I’m feeling used up and lost. Broken. Nothing really matters anymore.  I mostly have nightmares and sometimes even my daydreams turn out bad. I worry  and I can’t find any peace or happiness. Well, nobody likes to hear about this so I won’t dwell on it too long.

Maybe it will change, maybe I can make it change. Time will tell.

Right now I’m at least glad I’ve had some fun seeing a friend.

 

Sometimes

Sometimes it’s good to stop and not rush in like a fool. I was about to update this sooner but I’m glad I didn’t. That text would not have been clever if it had been written and published then. At that time I didn’t have all the facts and would have risked jumping to conclusions, the wrong conclusions. Now that the facts are in I am able to write something better.

Yesterday I didn’t do much of anything. I had been awake almost to 6am hoping to have a little fun in a chatroom but instead I spent the night waiting. Needless to say after that adventure I was tired because I slept only about 4 hours before getting up again.  Not much later my mother invited me to have dinner at the local pizza place so we went there in the early afternoon and had some pizza before going grocery shopping and then returning home.

The rest of the evening I spent watching the live broadcast of Whitney Houston’s funeral service online  and later I also watched the third qualifying competition of the Swedish Song Contest on public television.

Before going to sleep I looked around at chatrooms and took a quick look at Chatroulette. I also looked at my Tumblr dashboard. Feeling slightly bored and tired I fell asleep after midnight. Slept well and woke up around 6am then went back to sleep for another 3 hours.

Got up and got dressed at around 9:30am.  Checked Twitter and read some posts. Went out and removed some snow, got the morning paper and returned inside to read it. Got a call from my uncle asking if I would like to go to the theater. I didn’t really feel like it but eventually I said I would go. He had a ticket left over due to another person’s illness and didn’t want it to go to waste.

The play was a production of  Noel Coward‘s Brief Encounter where the live action on stage was integrated with filmed sequences shown on a screen above the stage. It was an entertaining show but I can’t say it was the best I’ve ever seen. At one point I even started to fall asleep which was odd since the play is only about 90 minutes long.

I went to buy some groceries on the way home and got back just as it started to snow. Had dinner and then went to check out the latest news from the online world.

Soon I will have a shower and then I have a few more hours to kill before going to sleep again.  Another weekend over and done.

Peace.