Health

All posts tagged Health

Depression

Published 01/30/2015 by MoonieZ

Hi, I’m back.

For a long time I’ve been feeling very low, useless and without hope. The long years of unemployment and other issues of worry have all added up to this point of me not being able to bear it alone any longer. A few days ago a thought sailed through my mind. A thought about opening the window in the room I sit in at the office and just step out. At 7 floors above the ground that’s not a normal thought, not a good thought and not a thought one should even think, or try to act on. I didn’t open the window, I got scared of myself instead.

I suddenly had a moment where I could see how far down I had gone. And I knew I could not let myself get any further down. I needed help. So I started to look into symptoms of depression and also where to turn for professional help and medical aid.

Never having had any mental problems that I needed help to deal with made me anxious to reach out for help. For a day or two I thought maybe I was making too much out of this sudden thought of suicide, this impulse to end my life, but soon I decided I would let the doctors decide if I was really in need of treatment or not. Better to be safe than sorry. Still, taking the step wasn’t easy at all.

First I told the people in charge at the office of “work”  when I called in sick on Wednesday that I thought I had some kind of depression. They told me that they had noticed a change in my behavior and they also thought I ought to talk to someone about how I feel and about my problems and frustration about my situation. After that call I emailed my contact at the Employment Office and told her that I suspected I was suffering from depression.

Then I checked out the local doctor’s office online to see when I could go there to talk to a doctor. But I felt I needed a day to collect myself before seeing a doctor.

On Thursday in the am I went to the doctor and told him about how I’m feeling and about all my troubles, including the scary thought about stepping out of the window. He asked me if he could let me go home without any risk of me trying to kill myself and I said that I didn’t have any such plans. I told him I was there to get medical help because I was afraid to think of suicide again and that I was sure I would not be able to feel better without treatment.

The doctor decided to let a Psychiatrist evaluate my status, so he got me an appointment at the local hospital later in the evening.

I went back home to have some lunch and some rest and then a few hours later I went by bus to the hospital. I was feeling a bit nervous but also thinking that this was the first steps for me to eventually start feeling better.

The office where the patients with  psychiatric illness are examined is heavy on security and at first it made somewhat anxious. Lots of looked doors and other security measures but the staff was very friendly and soon made me feel welcome and at ease. I was given a lot of questionnaires to answer and then I talked to a nurse for about one hour. She asked me a lot of questions and I found it easy to answer even though I sometimes felt I was giving too many details about some things.

Then the doctor came and asked me to tell her all about why I was there I why I was feeling the way I am. So I started many  years back, at the time when my leg problems started and then I worked my way through to the present day. Also made some detours even further back and sometimes side-tracked about stuff not really important to my depressed state of mind.

She listened, asked questions and then went out to talk to another doctor for a few minutes. When she returned she told me that in her opinion I was suffering from depression and that she wanted me to start taking medication asap. And she also told me that if I got the suicide thoughts back I must call the hospital immediately.

I became a bit anxious when she told me about the pills she wanted me to start taking, especially when I heard about the side effects. Also the pills would not have a full impact until after few weeks have passed so at first they could even make me feel worse but I was still to take them. However, if I experienced serious side effects I should call the hospital straight away and then they would decide on changing the pills to another kind.

The doctor wanted me to return to the hospital for a follow-up and further examination in two weeks and gave me an appointment. She told me that they wanted to check if there were other problems than depression that I might need their help with. I have no idea what those other problems could be so I’m kind of curious to find out and also a little nervous about it.

After more than two hours, I could return home. On the way home I bought a pizza to have for a late dinner. I felt tired and kind of empty after all the talking but also kind of relieved that I’m going to get better eventually and that I wasn’t going to have to go on forever feeling low and not being able to sleep and be tired and drained of all energy and motivation all the time.

The day after, that is today, I still woke up early and without getting enough sleep, but then for most of the day I have been feeling strangely light-headed and almost like I have no depression at all but i still lack the energy and I move slowly when I go out walking. I also can’t handle too much stress. I avoid it at all cost. I also notice I still feel like I want to turn the world off until I feel strong enough to deal with it, then I want to turn it back on again.

Where

Published 05/26/2013 by MoonieZ

Still wonder where.

Earlier in the week I woke up from a nightmare.

I had been in a bus and got stuck next to two dogs fighting.  One was really huge and the other was tiny. The owner of the tiny dog tried to protect it but couldn’t when the huge dog attacked. The owner of the huge dog was unable to stop the attack. Suddenly a passenger grabbed the big dog and yanked it away from the tiny dog. At that moment the huge dog turned against the passenger and while doing so jumped right at me. That’s when I woke up.

Other times this week I have been feeling ill and out of it. Haven’t had much energy or motivation. Except for a few hours here and there when things have been good.

I see my life going downwards. Slowly but inevitably. My health is not good and getting worse. I try to change but it takes time and it seems I’m not able to make the effort needed. At least not now. Mostly I worry about my mental health though. I find myself becoming less and less attached to the world around me. Where my place is in the world I don’t know for sure anymore.

At the same time I do my daily chores the best I can. I go to the office, I read, I write, I think, I talk and I look for work. Try to keep the appearance of being in control.

In the evenings, at home, I read some, I follow the internet social media stuff and I listen to music or watch television or movies. Keep in the touch with some people.  Mostly feel lonely and out of it. Not a part of anything.

At night I sometimes sleep well but often wake up too early and can’t go back to sleep. Sometimes I imagine hearing strange noises, sometimes I think the noises I hear are strange. Dreams turn into nightmares.

I feel a huge pressure from everywhere to get myself out of my current situation, get a job and be “normal”. However, I can’t seem to do it. It’s been too long. I’m no longer the person I was 7 years ago when I still had a regular job. I’m older, I’m weaker and I have lost a lot of hope. I told myself many times to never give up but lately I don’t believe myself when I tell myself to keep going.

There are ways to move forward, there are ways out. Of course. However, the road to the destination has never seemed to be so far away before, almost out of sight. Like a mirage more than something real.

Still, I know that negative thinking is bad. I have struggled to keep thinking positive for years now. Without any result. Maybe it helped to keep me going but what’s the use of moving when you don’t get anywhere? Don’t answer that.  I know the answer is that eventually I will reach the destination if I keep moving. I just don’t have the will to move anymore. Sorry.

 

Some body, my body, any body

Published 04/05/2013 by MoonieZ

Body.

There’s a tv show starting over here in my part of world under the title Biggest Loser. From what I’ve gathered it’s a show about very heavy people losing weight and often very fast. To be honest I have never watched it but the new season of it seems to be about losing weight in order have a greater chance of finding love and enter into relationships. As if  the amount of body weight would be the only difference between success or failure when it comes to love and romance.

I  seriously doubt that body weight is the one ultimate key to success in the social arena, but if people want to believe it and use the chance of romance at the end of the line as a motivating factor to lose some weight, fine by me. I’m not here to judge anyone.

Speaking for myself though, I have never thought of any connection between my body, weight or they way I look and my problems in the social arena. I think I’m a plain, average looking guy and I have never thought of myself as ugly or handsome or that my appearance is a problem for me. I have always  seen my problems as related to my thinking and my inability to learn how to play the social game. To me the problems are all in my mind and have nothing to do with how I look or how much I weigh or how tall I am.

Over the years and more often when I was younger, I got some compliments on how I look and how I dress which only served to make me feel awkward but looking back it also made me a little more confident. I remember thinking: at least I look ok, if only I could get my head straight as well I’d have nothing to worry about.

So where am I going with this ramble? Only to this: I’m happy with the way I look and with my body but there’s always room for improvement.

Why I write this is because of all the times I have written about my social problems and I only wanted to point out that I don’t think my body is to blame  for any of them.

 

Man in the mirror

Published 02/21/2013 by MoonieZ

Sorry, no pictures.

I have a feeling the headline might draw you in to read this. Don’t be alarmed if it seems random. That’s how most of my thinking works. If thinking is the right word for what goes on in my brain. Maybe sometimes.

Anyway, this update was born out of the horrific experience I had a few days ago when I looked at myself in the mirror and noticed a big blob with a head attached. This blob also had arms and legs. It looked human. Sort of. It looked like a man. Maybe. It looked like me. A  lot like me.

Could this be me? I mean, I know I’m 45 years old. I know I eat a lot of things I shouldn’t be eating. I also eat a lot. But seriously, I had no idea it was this bad.

Before you start saying I can do something about it instead of crying about it on my blog, let me tell you that doing something about it isn’t the point of this text that you’re reading right now. Ok?

So, let’s move on. There I was, looking at myself looking at me and not liking what I saw. Still, I knew I was looking at the result of decades of self-loathing and lack of confidence.  Decades of trying to satisfy the need for human interaction, intimacy and love with excessive amounts of all kinds of food and beverage. Without success. The only thing gained has been weight and more loathing.

At times I managed to break the circle just to fall back into it again after a certain amount of time. Old bad habits die hard.

What I’m trying to say is that even though my appearance in the mirror is a result of eating a lot of food, the process has never been about food or eating in itself but about trying to satisfy a lack of other things in life.

Solution: satisfy the feelings by finding humans to interact with, form friendships, perhaps someday find some love and intimacy somewhere out there.  Until then, eat less and more healthy if possible.

Not rocket science but sometimes not so easy to do just because it seems simple enough.

Anyway, I’m done.  I can’t remember what else I wanted to share about this experience as I forgot to write down the thoughts flying through my brain at the time.

Nope, I’m not getting into any negativity here.  Simply being honest about things. Still have the positive in mind.

Later.

Back to business

Published 09/03/2012 by MoonieZ

 

Ok, I didn’t die. I just had a few days of really bad pain. However it goes away eventually and I’m back to my normal self again.

Only downside to this experience, was that I could not fully enjoy my brother the chef’s brief visit to my town this weekend.

I was not in my best mood and it was hard for me to help out because I was weak from having been in pain and felt ill for more than two days.

Still, I got to enjoy his cooking yesterday, when he cooked most of the dinner we had together with my oldest brother and his wife and our  mother.

Mom made an apple pie from homegrown apples that was a simply delicious end to a very fine meal.

Our uncle and one of my cousins also visited briefly on Sunday to say hello to my brother and have the book about the life and times of Kal P Dal signed by my brother for a friend of theirs who is a big fan.

Sunday was a busy day, even if it was mostly also a very nice day.

Saturday was the day my brother arrived, as I have already reported in my previous post. It wasn’t a great day. I was rather cranky from the pain and didn’t have enough energy to be a good host. Mostly I wanted to rest and relax but  as I had guests I could not rest as much as I needed.

There were  some stress and arguments as a result of this but luckily the day passed rather quickly and ended in a good way.

On Friday the weather was really bad and I mostly rested and had a lot of pain from early morning to late at night. I was ready to go see the doctor but in the end I didn’t see myself sitting in an emergency room all of Friday afternoon waiting to be examined and then sent home with some pills or something. As that is what always happened before when I’ve seen a doctor about something.

After having these pains come and go for some time now, I’ve learned that they go away and that they don’t get worse even if the level of pain sometimes is very hard to handle. I would be more worried if the pain kept growing stronger and/or never ended.

The strange thing is that I’ve become so used to being in pain during parts of my day that I’m almost surprised when I don’t feel it. Almost to the point that I ask myself what’s wrong, I can’t feel any pain right now?

It all started on Thursday when I was helping my mother with her visit to the doctor in preparation for her eye surgery. That afternoon and night were really bad in terms of pain.

But enough about this now. This post was supposed to be about my weekend and not about pain and suffering.

What more is there to report? Well I saw some friends online this weekend and it was all good because it helped me find my good mood and made me feel a lot better about everything. The same goes for my friends on Twitter.

I would probably survive without the online world but my life would be a lot more dull.

 

 

News?

Published 08/23/2012 by MoonieZ

Reading the news sometimes makes me wonder why I bother. Most of the time I find it depressing.

This morning I read some news that made me doubt my sanity. Either I’m insane or the world is.

Anyway, I have managed to put it behind me.

I also read some blog about a subject I am somewhat familiar with. It made me wonder if I have been missing the point for more than a decade. For a moment I thought about writing a comment to it but decided not to.

My opinion on that subject would not be met with anything but rejection.  Not that rejection keeps me from voicing my opinion but in this case I don’t think it’s worth the effort. Nothing will change. If some people want to speak for everyone and lay down the law of  human relations then so be it. I will still stick to what I know and have learned from my own experience. To me that will still be more valid than anything else.

Moving on. Today I had an ambition to get some things done but I have yet to start.

Maybe I will find the energy soon. Or maybe not. If not there’s always tomorrow.

Nothing much to report from this week so far. I’ve been worried about a cat but it seems it will make it through. At least I hope it will.

Have spent my evenings much the same as always. Except last few days I’ve played a video game and seen time fly faster than ever. Sometimes a good thing but not always. However, it has been good to let out some stress by playing a game and not have to think about things for a few hours.

My mother will have some surgery done to her eye next week. I hope the result will be improved eyesight.

Always makes me worried whenever there’s surgery. I always think about what the surgeon told me when he decided not to operate on my legs: there are always risks involved with surgery so it should only be done if the gain is greater than the potential risk.

No matter what intention I start out with, I always end up in the same kind of blog posting mood.

Maybe this means I should stop and let this be posted like it is. Incoherent.

Just like my mind: all over the map.

Bad luck

Published 07/18/2012 by MoonieZ

Last week ended with some bad luck when my internet connection dropped out for most of the weekend. Yesterday evening it was back up and running at last.

But last night (or early this morning in my part of the world) I missed seeing a friend online which makes me kind of sad. I didn’t think I wouldn’t wake up in time, but I was obviously sleeping better than I thought I was. Didn’t hear my alarm clock or anything.

Anyway, I know it was “just” a chat I missed but I kind of don’t miss out on these things very often for any reason at all so it bothers me that I did this time. Also, it would have been nice to be there due to everything else being kind of bad at the moment.

My mother has more health problems. Both hearing aid  and new glasses will be needed, judging from the latest checkups by doctors.

The job search has not resulted in any interest or interviews from employers. My blog project at the office is moving forward very slowly. I seem to have lost direction and momentum lately.  My financial situation continues to be rather bad but I’ve learned to live with it.

The summer weather is mostly rain but now and then there are sunny days or parts of days.

I miss driving, but the car my uncle lent me can’t be repaired so it looks like I won’t be driving again for a long time. For  a time it looked like the car could be fixed but then the guy who was repairing it found out there are too many damaged parts of the engine to make it worthwhile to repair it since it’s an old car.

So, mostly life is not great.

Only one way to go though: forward.