With the sound of the rain against my window this afternoon, I begin to type this rather typical blog post update thing.
This morning, I woke up very early. I had to. My first task for the day was to escort my mother to the surgeon, for some minor eye surgery. It all seems to have worked out the way it should and in a few weeks time, the other eye will go through the same procedure.
Later, after having done some grocery shopping, I returned home to have some lunch and then some rest before starting some writing: a job application among other things.
This evening my oldest brother may come around for a visit. It will be nice.
What else I will be doing tonight, I don’t know yet, but I will probably find some way to pass the time.
Not having the best of days. Today I’m at home, due to not feeling well. I have stomach pains that started yesterday and only kept me annoyed through the evening and night. Woke up feeling sick and having the same pain, so I had no choice but to call in sick to the office where I spend my days as a part of a government program for the unemployed. First time in two years I’ve had to stay at home due to illness. I’m mostly not ill, even if I have had my share of health problems over the years.
It was the same for most of the years when I had a job. I was very rarely forced to stay at home due to illness. Until the problems with my legs hit me in the spring of 2001. Then some bad years followed, but since the spring of 2006 I’ve been back to being ill only for a few days a year at the most. At least I’ve not had to stay at home due to illness more than that but I’ve certainly felt unwell a lot more often without being really ill.
I missed out on seeing friends online both last night and today and that has not helped me to feel better. Neither does the weather. Only rain and clouds today. Supposed to rain all day and evening, not ending until tomorrow.
Some might say it’s a perfect time to be ill when there’s nothing to do but stay indoors anyway. I disagree. If I was feeling all ok I would be busy getting ready for my brother arriving to visit tomorrow. Now I don’t even know if I’ll be well enough to enjoy that as much I would like.
Still, at times like these, it’s good to remember it isn’t the end of the world even if it feels like it at the moment.
During this week I have spent some evenings watching the three Jason Bourne movies starring Matt Damon. I liked them all and found the story thrilling all the way to the end.
Yesterday morning I helped my mother go to the doctor to have her eyes examined and operations scheduled. Turned out my mother has lost almost half of her eyesight so having surgery to restore some of that will certainly be helpful.
Later we did some grocery shopping but by then I was in so much pain that I almost threw up when I had returned home.
I know, I ought to see a doctor but I’m still thinking this will go away by itself. It has done so before but only to return. Then go away again.
Then there’s the feeling of already having too many problems to deal with that sort of stops me from getting the energy to take on one more. Probably makes no sense but it makes sense to me. I have walked enough miles in my shoes to know.
I feel the pressure to write something boring now, boring and average. Not mention any controversial words or try to be funny in any way that might offend anyone.
Maybe I ought to post a recipe for boredom, with the prominent ingredient being average, lot of average. Of course that would be boring and that is the point.
Some people will want the boring average stuff to read. Not the strange stuff I post so much of. They do not want controversy, they want to feel safe and secure in their average values. Better not elaborate – I feel I’m beginning to be controversial and strange again.
When I started writing this blog, in 2005, I didn’t know what to write so I let it be a diary. I wrote about what happened in my life and how I felt about it. Soon, I started looking back at my life and then I wanted to present my interests and show off how creative I thought I was – or rather – wanted to be.
Recently I’ve been thinking about starting over. Begin again. Fresh. A new blog, built on what I have learned from this one but with more focus on one major topic. The more I think about it though, the less I really want to do it.
My goal has never been to reach the whole world or to become internet famous. My one goal has been self-expression. That’s why the posts I write are almost only about me. Sometimes I have trouble finding ideas to write which results in posts like this one. A ramble, totally unfocused and average. Perfect for a Monday when the rain is pouring down and will continue to do so for another full day.
Listening to music makes thinking easier though. Mostly thinking turns into daydreaming though.
Bad weather today. Started late last night. Rainy, windy and then sleet through most of the night followed by more rain in the morning.
I went straight from the office to my oldest brother yesterday. To greet him on his birthday and have some dinner. A lot of people came to greet as usual: family members, friends, relatives and neighbours.
My nephew and his girlfriend showed up and of course had their two months old daughter with them, so I got to meet her for the first time. A beautiful baby. Made me think of how time seems to pass by faster for every year.
Anyway it was a nice evening but walking to the train station in the rain in order to get back home wasn’t nice at all. However, made it home almost dry and could relax a few hours before going to sleep. Slept very well to around 7 when I had to get up and go to the bathroom. Went back to bed for a little longer before getting up and starting to get some things done.
A little later I had some breakfast, then returned to my writing. Here I am. Writing. Of course this is not all I’m writing today. I’m also doing some writing for job applications and some writing for my projects at the office. Writing is what it’s all about.
Also – and this is a bit of a secret – I’m still working on my project to watch all of the Harry Potter movies in order to write something about them later. Here, and elsewhere.
Not much else to write about today. I was thinking I’d look back on some old posts and see if I can possibly continue some of the topics in new post but that’s still only a thought. Not decided if I will do it.
Weather has been bad all day. Rainy and windy. But the real storms are passing to the north and to the south of my location so not getting too much of them here. Still not the kind of weather I care to go out in. Still I had to go out early this morning to mail a letter. It was not too bad to drive by the mail box but for the rest of the day I stayed indoors.
I found The Hurt Locker on dvd at a bargain price at the local superstore and bought it along with some groceries. Then spent the day watching the movie. It was good but not as great as I expected. Still good to have seen it since I’ve seen all other movies directed by Kathryn Bigelow.
My brother stopped by for some coffee in the afternoon.
I had some leftover chicken and potatoes for dinner. Then I had a shower to wash my hair. I really ought to get a haircut soon. After the shower I started watching more episodes from season 4 of NYPD Blue.
As soon as my hair is dry enough I will probably go to sleep as I have to get up early tomorrow to go to the office.
Yesterday I thought I would not be here again. Be here as in posting on this blog. I managed to make a mistake and get the blog deactivated. Luckily, got my blog back after sending an email to WordPress. I’m very happy the matter could be sorted out so that I could find my blog back up when I woke up this morning. I’ve learned a lesson and will be even more careful to avoid mistakes in the future.
Anyway tonight I’m looking forward to spending time in a chatroom to see a friend. I won’t get myself into trouble again by mentioning where or why.
The day started sunny and chilly. In the afternoon it got rainy and cold.
Was late to get going due to a visit by the plumber to start working on the water heater problem. With any luck it will be fixed soon.
I worked on a project at the office but didn’t make much progress as my thoughts were elsewhere for the most part.
Got home and had a lot of pain in my stomach but it went away after a while. Got some dinner and then started looking at Twitter and Tumblr to see what I had missed.
Now I’m writing this and listening to some music through Spotify.
But I’m back to tell the world I’m alive. Also that the text I have been struggling with for months is now very,very nearly all done. I have only to add a few details and then this nightmare will be over. Then I hope the text will be approved by the teacher at the university so that I can collect my degree. At last. Only 10 years overdue. It certainly feel good to be able to look for work with a degree from the university. Might open some other roads to travel along. So this was the first good news of the day.
The second good news is that the car is repaired and will be ready to use in just a few weeks. I do look forward to drive again. Will make life easier around here.
So today has been a pretty good day so far. My only hope is that things continue to be good. It would be nice to have some days of good news now.
Even though the clouds have gathered and the rain has started to fall I feel pretty good. I have things to be happy about. Not just the good news of today. So it means my blog posts will not be very good but I don’t care. I prefer to be happy if there is a choice to be made. The best would be to have both. Don’t know what the odds are for that happening.
Yes, I slept four hours or so. Woke up. Then it hit me. And writing was the only option. Well the only sane option. Not that I didn’t feel the tears burning my eyes or the choke of my throat trying to swallow a sob but yes writing is the only sane option in a world of insanity.
So I wrote about my feelings at the moment. In the moment. Managed to make it a text. Bypassing the perfectionist usually lodged in my brain trying to get me to stop or take another route or change a word, delete a sentence. Scrap the whole post and start over. Not so this time. Not so.
I write to keep myself alive when all I want to do is die. No, all I want to do is feel dead inside so I don’t have to feel anything anymore. Not having any luck with that though so all I’ve got left is writing. At times of trouble the writing steps in and saves the day. Not really. It saves my sanity, it keeps me thinking and lets me deal with my feelings like they are not mine at the same time as they are. If you don’t know what I’m saying. Why would you?
Anyway, this is supposed to be about my week.
I’ve been having a real struggle writing the text at the office. The one text to rule them all, it seems. It has not let itself be written for months. But this Thursday I finally got somewhere with it. Friday I started to see how it would all fit together. So tomorrow – Monday – I hope to be able to finish it. This would mean a lot. It would be the final step towards finishing my studies. Of getting a degree. Be able to look for other types of work. Maybe open the door to a better tomorrow. A future with more than nothing to look forward to. That would make it all worthwhile.
Most days the weather was ok. Some rain here and there and on Friday and Saturday a lot of rain. I had a pain in my stomach all week and almost couldn’t do anything. It didn’t help my mood and it didn’t help my writing.
At home I slept a lot.Had nothing better to do. Or actually I had some chores and I had some other things but I didn’t feel like doing anything.
All I did was miss someone. Not true but my mind was sometimes drifting away daydreaming of someone. Not as often as before but often enough. Dreams.
What else? I watched movies. Some of those I have written some reviews of but there are still more to be written. Will do that next.
I feel my feelings starting to relax again. I guess I worked through them again without hiding from them. So I guess I don’t really want to feel dead after all.
Today I don’t know what I’ll be doing, got no plans. Perhaps watch another movie. Only know one thing for sure. I will be alive. Anything can happen.
How do you like the title of this post ? Is it good ? Does it draw attention to itself ? Does it make you interested in reading the blog post ? No ? I thought you’d say that. I know, that’s what you pay me for. What ?! I’m not paying you for anything – you do not exist ! Don’t make me laugh ! Of course I exist. You invented me. Or should I say created me. I did not ! You most certainly did ! Can you prove that ? Can you prove you didn’t ? OK – you’re right let’s not discuss this any further. No problem, pal. I’m not your pal. OK – fair enough. So let’s get on with today’s post shall we ? Sure, you’re the boss ! Thanks. I’m glad you remember that. How can I forget ? Don’t start… OK – I’m sorry.
Today I’m going to write about something different and as soon as I figure out what that will be I’ll continue writing. While you wait you are welcome to check out my excellent ability to change the subject and just keep typing random words until I run out of space. How I developed this ability is something of a mystery since I’m not a very creative writer. The ideas I have are often pretty boring and very normal. Nothing wild ever gets typed when I’m around that’s for sure.
My day today has only been bad news so far. First, the weather is bad – rain and wind. Second, I didn’t get the job I was interviewed for about a week ago. So back to square one. Nothing is going the way I wish or hope or want. No matter what – there’s always something going wrong. Nothing is easy anymore. Life is boring. Only a few moments of joy here and there keep me from painting it all black. Only a few friends make it all worthwhile. However – I’m not giving up. Onwards! The future is waiting …