Hello. It’s Christmas Eve. Merry Christmas to all my readers and followers of this blog. I hope you all are having a happy holiday season.
I’m not having a good day today, but I will survive.
Have had a lot of arguments with my mother and I feel somewhat depressed. Have felt depressed for a long time.
I thought I had sorted things out at one point but it seems I’ve only imagined I had. My life is not happening and I no longer know what to do. I just want to get away from myself.
Woke up today very early after sleeping badly and having a dream I thought was real. Had a lot to do to prepare for Christmas dinner with my mother and my oldest brother and his wife.
While I was busy with this and feeling stressed and unhappy I remembered how Christmas used to be when I was growing up and when I was younger.
For many years I looked forward to Christmas. I used to really love seeing my brothers and their families and enjoyed all the food and presents and every other tradition.
Since my father’s death, however, I’ve had a growing feeling of not enjoying Christmas as much. Things changed, people have changed but still everyone seems to cling to the idea of Christmas always being the same traditional celebration as ever before. Only nobody really like it as much anymore. It’s so obvious that its more of a chore than a celebration. No matter that most of the food is no longer cooked from scratch and that we no longer give presents or even have Christmas tree indoors.
Still, I feel bad for not enjoying Christmas as much as before and for not feeling happy but only stressed and tired. Most of all I wish to spend my holiday relaxing and just enjoy some good company, talk, read, listen to music, watch some TV.
I got a book as a Christmas present from my brother the chef/drummer. A book about the leader of the band my brother used to be in during the late 1970’s. It’s a nice , heavy book and I’m happy to have it but at the same time I feel guilty for not having anything to give in return.
My oldest brother gave me a book for Christmas too. A book about depressions and how to deal with such feelings and problems. I know he cares but still I feel like I’m only a burden to everyone and that I should just cheer up and at least pretend to be happy and without any worries.
The food was good though and I’ve had a lot of it as usual. Same story every year.
Now I hope to enjoy some Christmas peace and then go to sleep.
Don’t know what I’ll be doing tomorrow. As little as possible is my wish.