Ok. Sunday morning.
Yes, I slept four hours or so. Woke up. Then it hit me. And writing was the only option. Well the only sane option. Not that I didn’t feel the tears burning my eyes or the choke of my throat trying to swallow a sob but yes writing is the only sane option in a world of insanity.
So I wrote about my feelings at the moment. In the moment. Managed to make it a text. Bypassing the perfectionist usually lodged in my brain trying to get me to stop or take another route or change a word, delete a sentence. Scrap the whole post and start over. Not so this time. Not so.
I write to keep myself alive when all I want to do is die. No, all I want to do is feel dead inside so I don’t have to feel anything anymore. Not having any luck with that though so all I’ve got left is writing. At times of trouble the writing steps in and saves the day. Not really. It saves my sanity, it keeps me thinking and lets me deal with my feelings like they are not mine at the same time as they are. If you don’t know what I’m saying. Why would you?
Anyway, this is supposed to be about my week.
I’ve been having a real struggle writing the text at the office. The one text to rule them all, it seems. It has not let itself be written for months. But this Thursday I finally got somewhere with it. Friday I started to see how it would all fit together. So tomorrow – Monday – I hope to be able to finish it. This would mean a lot. It would be the final step towards finishing my studies. Of getting a degree. Be able to look for other types of work. Maybe open the door to a better tomorrow. A future with more than nothing to look forward to. That would make it all worthwhile.
Most days the weather was ok. Some rain here and there and on Friday and Saturday a lot of rain. I had a pain in my stomach all week and almost couldn’t do anything. It didn’t help my mood and it didn’t help my writing.
At home I slept a lot.Had nothing better to do. Or actually I had some chores and I had some other things but I didn’t feel like doing anything.
All I did was miss someone. Not true but my mind was sometimes drifting away daydreaming of someone. Not as often as before but often enough. Dreams.
What else? I watched movies. Some of those I have written some reviews of but there are still more to be written. Will do that next.
I feel my feelings starting to relax again. I guess I worked through them again without hiding from them. So I guess I don’t really want to feel dead after all.
Today I don’t know what I’ll be doing, got no plans. Perhaps watch another movie. Only know one thing for sure. I will be alive. Anything can happen.