Still wonder where.
Earlier in the week I woke up from a nightmare.
I had been in a bus and got stuck next to two dogs fighting. One was really huge and the other was tiny. The owner of the tiny dog tried to protect it but couldn’t when the huge dog attacked. The owner of the huge dog was unable to stop the attack. Suddenly a passenger grabbed the big dog and yanked it away from the tiny dog. At that moment the huge dog turned against the passenger and while doing so jumped right at me. That’s when I woke up.
Other times this week I have been feeling ill and out of it. Haven’t had much energy or motivation. Except for a few hours here and there when things have been good.
I see my life going downwards. Slowly but inevitably. My health is not good and getting worse. I try to change but it takes time and it seems I’m not able to make the effort needed. At least not now. Mostly I worry about my mental health though. I find myself becoming less and less attached to the world around me. Where my place is in the world I don’t know for sure anymore.
At the same time I do my daily chores the best I can. I go to the office, I read, I write, I think, I talk and I look for work. Try to keep the appearance of being in control.
In the evenings, at home, I read some, I follow the internet social media stuff and I listen to music or watch television or movies. Keep in the touch with some people. Mostly feel lonely and out of it. Not a part of anything.
At night I sometimes sleep well but often wake up too early and can’t go back to sleep. Sometimes I imagine hearing strange noises, sometimes I think the noises I hear are strange. Dreams turn into nightmares.
I feel a huge pressure from everywhere to get myself out of my current situation, get a job and be “normal”. However, I can’t seem to do it. It’s been too long. I’m no longer the person I was 7 years ago when I still had a regular job. I’m older, I’m weaker and I have lost a lot of hope. I told myself many times to never give up but lately I don’t believe myself when I tell myself to keep going.
There are ways to move forward, there are ways out. Of course. However, the road to the destination has never seemed to be so far away before, almost out of sight. Like a mirage more than something real.
Still, I know that negative thinking is bad. I have struggled to keep thinking positive for years now. Without any result. Maybe it helped to keep me going but what’s the use of moving when you don’t get anywhere? Don’t answer that. I know the answer is that eventually I will reach the destination if I keep moving. I just don’t have the will to move anymore. Sorry.