Wednesday

Spent today cleaning up in my small home. Trying to get rid of  some clutter and junk so that I can look around without wanting to cringe in disgust. I think I did a decent job. Not all done, but very nearly done.

The good news of the day was announced by my oldest nephew, the music video director, on his Facebook page. He has been nominated for a Swedish Grammis (Grammy) award in the category Best Music Video of the Year. I feel very happy and proud. Of course I hope he will win the award, but even to be nominated is a great achievement.

This is the video that has been nominated:

Näääk feat Nimo – Vi Är Kvar Här

So, with all this success all around me among family and relatives, I must admit I sometimes feel like the black sheep of the lot. Like a slacker, underachiever. Loser.

I know I should not bother listening to those thoughts, but I can’t pretend they aren’t there.

All I can do is to keep on keeping on. One day my luck will turn.

Dream on

It will happen. Yeah, right.  Tell me some more stories.

All I know is that nothing I dreamed of has happened but plenty of what I haven’t dreamed of has happened. Explain that, if you can.

So, back to the business of today.

For a time I have been feeling somewhat depressed. I lack energy, motivation and interest.  Nothing makes me really happy and nothing really excites me. Mostly things seem dull.

At the office things keep changing but there’s no structure. Projects are started but not finished. Instead there are new projects coming up. People come and go and suddenly they’re gone for good.

I try to focus on the things I need to do to get out of the situation I’m in. Same situation for years. No job.  I work my project also. Write. Try to write. Read a lot. Try to stay in touch with the real world out there where people have real jobs and income. Follow the news media to see where society is going and what’s happening in politics.

The rest of my time, I mostly want to sleep because I’m always tired and I want to escape this place I’m stuck in.

I miss people to talk to. I miss friends. I miss feeling happy. I miss life. I miss having a life. I miss having things to look forward to. I miss having a future. All I have is a past I can’t return to. The more I try not to think of the past good life, the more I do think of it. The more I miss it.

Yes, I’m done feeling sorry for myself. I know it’s not attractive. Just the way it is now.

“State of Grace”

A song I can’t seem to stop liking.

Wednesday, 1 August, 2012

Today I have posted a lot of new texts on here. Why? I had a lot I needed to write in order to get it off my mind somewhat. I’ve felt depressed and tired and have had  a lot of thoughts running around in my brain.  Mostly, I think this was due to not sleeping more than 5 hours last night. Made me a bit cranky for the rest of the day. Then the visit to see a friend in a chatroom was good but I wasn’t happy with my effort to be a fun and supportive friend. I felt that I failed and it got me thinking too. Having a stomach pain didn’t really help to solve all of this in a good way so most of today I have been under the weather and my way of working my way out of that kind of stress is to write, think and write and let the feelings play out until I reach a point where I can move on.

I don’t always publish what I write on days like this, but today I decided to let it be public. Somehow, I think I have had a rather good feeling for so long now that a kind of backlash was almost inevitable. Sooner or later I always do it myself one way or another. Knock myself down, that is. Today was one of those days. Not that I knew it when I woke up at around 4 am but as the day progressed it became obvious.

Anyway, I’m starting to feel better and I’m returning to my regular old self. Today is another lesson learned in my ongoing quest to understand myself better, so I guess it has served some kind of purpose to feel miserable for the better part of the day.

Usually I’m able to keep my life free from dramatic gestures but now and then, I succumb to them. I guess I’m only human, despite my efforts to better myself.

So, I guess this covers everything.

What else to report from today? Not a lot.

Did some writing for my project at the office, watched some of the broadcasts from the Olympic games and rode three buses in order to get home. A normal day.  Weather was ok, not too warm, cloudy sky but no rain.

Had some leftover pasta for dinner. Was ok.  Later had a blueberry fruit drink with a friendly bacteria culture. Maybe it will help me get rid of the stomach pain. I already feel better so I hope it will do some good.

What I didn’t do today that I should have done: listen to music. Somehow I didn’t feel like listening to anything but perhaps I will this evening.

The change to my blog will have to wait another day or two but it will be done.

I did publish a story today that had nothing to do with anything. It just happened to appear in my brain so I wrote it that way. There may be a sequel coming, or some other story. Not sure what my imagination will present to me next. Always a surprise.

Now I believe I’m done for today.

That utterly useless feeling of uselessness, #1

Yes, I know what I wrote yesterday. I can read, you know. Still, this is still my blog and I post what I want without asking permission from anyone.

So, here it goes: the utterly useless feeling of uselessness. It hit me today. Came at me when I wasn’t looking and made me look up at the ceiling for an hour while thoughts and feelings battled for control of my being. The uselessness tried to take command over me and did so for some time. Right now I can feel it retreating back to wherever it hides between attempts to conquer me.

I very nearly succumbed to it this time around. The attack came without any warning and surprised me. I didn’t have time to defend myself before it was too late. However, since this feeling is no stranger to me I do know it can’t win unless I let it so after some struggle I managed to break free and escape.

An interesting morning I dare say.

Masturbation

[Written May 18th, 2012. Published June 16th 2012]

Yeah, I thought you would all show up now that I put this headline on one of my blog posts.

To be honest I have never thought about writing a post on this rather sticky subject, but today I was trying to go back  to sleep after being awake early and the idea came to me that it might be fun to try.

So, I first started to write a very long and very dry, boring text about the subject at hand. Then I changed my mind.

Who cares about my dry opinions about masturbation anyway?  I’m no expert. Besides, everyone will expect this post to be an exciting,  juicy description of how I do it and when and why and who and/or what I think of and all that other intimate stuff anyway.

Ok, so here it is. The uncensored truth. Don’t blame me if you read it and then experience  a sudden need to vomit. Remember: I didn’t ask you to read this and I’m not responsible for your reaction.

When Wednesday May 9,  at around 9:00 am.

Where In home office chair, in front of computer screen.

Why I was horny. Often happens in the morning. You all already know that.

How Mainly used right hand, sometimes the left. What did you expect me to say?

Duration  About 8 minutes from start to finish.

Visual stimulation  Home-made video containing female nudity and sexual activity.

Rating of orgasm intensity on a scale of 1-10  7.

End of message.

Publish and be damned

Last Wednesday of May

Here I go again on my own

Had not planned to write today. Had other plans. However, sometimes I feel the need to vent a little. Outside of any schedules. Since I don’t have a schedule for this blog everything happens at random anyway.

So last night I had trouble sleeping. Rather I fell asleep but woke up shortly after only to fall asleep again. This happened a few times and then at around 6 am, I could no longer fall asleep again. I wanted to but I couldn’t. Tossed and turned for about one more hour, then got up.

Decided to make it a work at home day since I knew I would be tired all day anyway from lack of proper sleep. Started doing some office related stuff and some other things I should have done ages ago. Then took a break to do some laundry and go say Hi in a chat room.

After all that I returned to writing and suddenly had an urge to write this, just because I feel like writing about this day. The last Wednesday of May 2012. Another day that will never return. Another day lived through. One more day behind the cart, one less in front of it.

Late last night I watched a Dennis Miller HBO Special from the early 1990’s that I happened to stumble upon. I found it rather funny even though some references were a bit difficult to grasp for me as a foreigner and as such unfamiliar with some aspects of US society and culture.

Yesterday I was also reminded of my last po’ boy in New Orleans. It was in 1995 and I remember it being a tasty roast beef one from some place with a lot of locals in it. Wonder when I’ll ever have another one.

Read about a new book  in which the author claims that love is not about feelings at all, instead it is an act of will. I do not agree. To me love is about giving, a feeling of wanting to give without asking for or expecting anything in return. However, I could be wrong but that’s how I see it.

The weather is not as great as last week but still ok. Cloudy, a bit windy, kind of cold and some rain on the way. Rather normal for a Swedish summer.

Bump

The road ahead I know nothing about.

Even though I know that old people tend to have health problems, the news today that my mother has suffered a  mild cerebral hemorrhage hit me very hard. I have tried to be prepared for the day when my mother will pass away but I find it hard to prepare for such a thing. Still I know that it will happen one day, it’s inevitable. A part of life.

When my father died 17  years ago I wasn’t prepared at all. It was by far the worst days of my life so far. After that I’ve suffered other things that have been hard to deal with but the pain and sorrow of losing a parent is still the worst I can imagine. I’ve heard people say that losing a child is worse but since I’m not a parent myself I can’t really relate to that even though I can imagine it must be very painful.

While writing this I think that this will make me look like a weak and whiny type of person, but so be it. I am filled with fear of losing my mother because she’s my only living parent. Of course I know that life will go on without her among us, but I still wish that day would never come. Just as I wished the same while my father was alive.

And yes, I know I’m supposed to leave my parents and live my own life. Still, I would like to have my parents alive and around even if I’m independent and on my own.  I love my parents and I don’t think that means I’m not able to stand on my own two feet.

These are my thoughts at the moment which makes this update slightly unfocused but I hope it won’t seem totally confused.  I will probably edit this later.

Spring 2012

Some garden pics from yesterday.

Not again

Another one bites the dust. Another one rides the bus.

Not again.

No, not again. I promise I won’t write another update about how I’m feeling right now. There’s been too many of those. Too much emotional drama. Too much loneliness, too many thoughts of You and too much missing you. Still those feelings will remain but I can see that the average reader of this blog will not tolerate too much of the same thing over and over.

Also, I need to find my smile and be a little more relaxed.  So I’m going to write a post that will make the world laugh. It’s coming up right above this one.  For now, all I can say is this. It’s Wednesday morning and I’m feeling slightly ill.

Have a a good day everyone and be well!