Spotify

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Untitled

Published 05/28/2016 by MoonieZ

Hello!

I’m back to haunt you once more. Just when you thought it safe to return to this deserted blog on the edge of town. Not far from the darkness that dwells there.

Anyway, I’ve had some interesting days to say the least.

Many laps around the rollercoaster called life lately. Many different feelings. Highs and lows.

Some matters have been resolved, some are pending and some remains to be seen where they end up.

Still, the question of where to live, where to move to, remains ro be resolved. I’m still not sure what I really want to do but I’m not alone in making the change. My brothers have a say in it also.

Getting help from the municipality seems to be a long struggle where the eventual outcome is highly uncertain.

Finding a place to rent is not easy, and buying one in the current market is very expensive. So, to make a long story short, I’m kind of stuck where I am for the time being.

I feel a lot of stress due to this situation, and I’m not sure anyone else really understand how I feel. My ASD is not making having an uncertain future any easier or less stressful.

Luckily I have some nice people to communicate with who help take my mind off of the stress and let me have fun and enjoy myself. I’m very  grateful to have them around.

Perhaps I could manage without friends but I feel it makes life easier to have a few. Most of my life I haven’t had many friends. Most of the time only one or two or none at all.

I don’t find friends easily, and I have some trouble keeping them. I have trouble with social interactions and don’t like being around many people at once.

One at a time, works best for me. Not always easy to explain to everyone I happen to meet.

Summer is around the corner. Some beautiful warm days have already passed by but I hope the best is yet to come.

Then there is the matter of grief. One thinks it will fade away through the passing of time but it doesn’t work that way. I’d say it starts to sink its claws in you when you think it has disappeared. Every month around the 22nd, I have a minor breakdown. I think I will always feel that way. I know I will always miss my parents, and perhaps my mother more than my father because I spent more time with my mother and because my mother’s passing happened so fast. There was no way to say goodbye.

I find that music helps a lot to sort out all kinds of feelings.

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The only thing to do

Published 05/19/2016 by MoonieZ

What? To write.

I do it when I feel happy, and when I’m sad or angry. Or when I worry and my anxiety stops me from being productive, while my thoughts and feelings chase each other throughout my mind and being. The only way to bring some order back to that chaos is by writing about it. Like right now.

For a while my mind is focused on the writing and not on the chaos. It brings me peace.

About an hour ago, I had a peach cider to drink.

Not sure what that has to do with anything but there it is.

Why worry. Things are starting to work out. Old problems are being solved one after the other. Life is progressing. Even if I find it hard to see that my life is moving at all, I guess it is. Time is certainly flying. I have no idea where the weeks disappear to but they certainly go there in a hurry. I can’t keep up. So, why worry?

I don’t like that I can’t communicate the things I really want to express. Many times I make no sense, or I just make silly jokes or avoid the subject. While I have a lot of things on my mind that I don’t know how to throw out there without wanting to hide instead.

Probably this worrying is due to the disorder making it hard for me to read people. I simply don’t understand them very well. From time to time I think I do but then I start to worry that I don’t. Very annoying. I try to deal with it the best way I can.

Also, I do have trouble to speak my mind when I really care about who I speak to. It makes me uneasy without me knowing why.

Other times, I worry about speaking too much about everything and use too many words while I speak. Sometimes I don’t know when to shut up.

So I worry. A lot. At times.I try to keep it at  bay. Not always lucky though. Like today.

On the other hand I know why I worry right now. Been a week of much stress and things happening that make me have to change my normal plans, which always makes me a bit anxious.

There is also the matter of worrying about being seen as a joker even when not joking. I’m always afraid of that. Yet I can’t seem to avoid setting myself up for it. Maybe I shouldn’t think so much about everything but I can’t really help it. The world is a confusing place that I always struggle to make sense of.

How much sense this makes is another thing to worry about. That’s why I end this with some music by Talking Heads:

Talking Heads – Road To Nowhere