All posts tagged Internet

Some kind of fun

Published 11/22/2017 by MoonieZ

I wasn’t going to write this now but it seems I can’t stop myself from starting.

This Tuesday has been simply wonderful and so much fun.

Now I’m feeling very happy and grateful.

I could probably go on for page after page about this but I’m not going to. There are no words to describe what this day means to me anyway.

Strange perhaps, as I have no problem describing all my unhappy times in  great detail. However, I need not describe today in detail. It will always stay in my memory.

So, why this update? I just wanted to share the happiness I feel.

The unexpected

Published 11/05/2017 by MoonieZ

Most of the time I have no clue where I’ll end up when I start to write. Sometimes that works very well but at other times the result is just a mess of unfinished ideas.

What this will end up being is impossible to tell at this stage.

Same feeling of not knowing what will be or even happen next is what I’ve got when I see my new friend online.

Even as I like the constant status of never knowing what will happen next , it doesn’t always sit well with my anxiety and worry about not being able to predict what will happen. At times I succumb to a lot of emotional stress but I do my best to fight it.

The overall feeling is happiness after all. Perhaps even a level of happiness I have never experienced before. So spending time with my friend is most likely only good for me. Despite the fact that I sometimes worry a lot.

However, I think I’m also learning to handle my fears and worries about the unpredictable unknown through the interaction with my friend. So, I’m positive about the whole experience. Even if it drains a lot energy from me it also gives me energy and makes the rest of my life easier to handle.  I’m not feeling all alone anymore.  I have something to care about – and someone to care about. It takes me away from only thinking about my problems and worrying about them. Instead I can focus on others, and on having fun.

Surely, I could do this without the internet and the online world but even if it’s a mediated experience it’s still about social interaction and dealing with real thoughts and feelings so I do think it’s all good in the end.

Still I’m sometimes surprised about all of this and find myself wondering if it’s just” a dream I will eventually wake up from,  but then I remember it is actually really happening here and now.

Some more

Published 11/05/2017 by MoonieZ

There comes a time when you…. know the time has come to raise….your keyboard and start to type yet again.

What about, is not entirely clear.

The reader might remember a previous update about a new friend I have been spending a lot time with for the past two months. If the reader can’t remember that update, it doesn’t matter.

To spend all this time keeps me on my toes, as I’m constantly learning a lot of things about myself, about her and life in general.

Often I find myself going outside of my comfort zone to try things I never thought I would ever consider doing. I find it to be more fun than I expected.

All of this makes me feel so much more alive.  The only worry I have is that it won’t last forever.



Published 11/04/2017 by MoonieZ

Well, I’m not sure to bother with this anymore but I feel the need to give my side of the story without distortion by people who don’t know me but seem to think they know how I feel and why I do what I do or don’t do.

It began after I had met a very nice person online and started spending a lot of time with this person.

One evening I got a message from someone I had been seeing now and then before I met the person I am now spending my time with.

This message insulted me and ended with a laugh. I didn’t respond and thought that was the end  of it.

I also got an email from someone else who claimed to know the person who sent the insulting message  was very upset with me not being around as much as I used to. I didn’t think much of it until recently I got more emails with a very insulting language accusing me of hurting a persons feelings and not caring about it. Also, I got told I was wasting my time seeing the new person for various reasons I won’t mention because I’m not sinking to that low level of name calling and insults.

I replied to let it be known I didn’t care for the language used and that the person writing to me had no idea about how I feel or who or what I care about.

This will be the end of it for me as I don’t care for drama.

If the idea behind these messages and emails was to get me to return they really didn’t do any good. Instead they made me certain to never ever return. So, not a good strategy.



Somebody new

Published 10/14/2017 by MoonieZ

Let me tell you this, readers, writing this wasn’t easy.  First, I thought I had a brilliant idea to write all this in Swedish. That was before I actually started. Then, as I started, it dawned on me how it would seem odd to suddenly write in Swedish at this blog, which has only seen one text in Swedish during its entire existence. So, after a day or two of thinking about it, I decided English is the only way to go.

Thinking about what to write has also proved to make it difficult to even start. To get out of that situation I simply write what comes to mind. Regardless of what I think about it.

I see no other way to get this all out of head and into a block of text.

A Friday was the day it all started. I was having a slow day doing a lot of nothing and got the sudden idea to check out the new faces of the chat site I used to visit occasionally.

So, I browsed through the section of new arrivals and suddenly a certain screen name caught my eye. The first part of it was identical to my own and that made me curious to find out if it was indeed true and not false like the case had often been in the past with people claiming to be Swedish.

So I went in, just to see if I could find out.

Now, I must admit, my first reaction to what I saw did not make me all that interested in staying. The person in front of the camera did strike me as not that nice or interesting but I still decided to chat and drop some tokens. After all , I had nothing better to do.

How I found out she actually is Swedish, I can’t recall but I know I did receive a private message asking me if I’m Swedish and after that a conversation started. I must have started to enjoy myself because I stayed in the room about four hours that first day.

That very first impression proved to be wrong. She is actually nothing like the sort I first thought. And that probably contributed to the fact that I returned the next day and stayed even longer.

But, after those two days, I did stay away for twelve days. Why that happened was probably because I was trying to avoid falling back into my old habit of spending huge amounts of time and (from time to time ) lots of money at this site.

However, I must have liked my first two days, because after nearly two weeks away I went back and from then onwards for like almost a month I spent lots of time having fun and getting to know this person.

At first our conversations were all in English but after a while that changed and our private conversations started to be in Swedish. I can’t stress enough how good it felt to finally hear my native language spoken and see it typed at that site. For so many years, all my chat conversations had always been in English, no matter the nationality of the person I spoke with. For a long time I had also enjoyed it and actually avoided Swedish even when fellow Swedes had used it in chats I had been a  part of. I even avoided to admit being from Sweden.

Now, however, Swedish really spoke to me in many ways it had not done for so many years before.

Also, the way she speaks Swedish, the sound, the accent, the melody of her voice immediately caught me and only made me want to hear it again and again.

Needless to say, I quickly forgot all about everything else around me and focused all my attention on the person in front of me and on getting to know as much as possible about her.

Who I found is someone completely different from my first faulty impression. At first I would never have guessed she has such a great amount of talent, creativity and positive energy but it dawned on me during the many hours I spent with her.

Not only was it fun, it also challenged me to change. Or, rather, she inspired and challenged me to start changing my thinking into a more positive direction.

Her almost limitless positive energy and constant happy outlook on everything started to rub off on me and for that I’m eternally grateful. It has given me reason to question myself and to evolve after being kind of stuck in some rather negative modes of thinking about myself and things that happen.

Though most of all she is incredibly creative and artistic. And fun to be around. You never know what she will do or say, or  where her creative ideas will take her and you. For me, being stuck in routine and structure as I am, this impulsive creativity can sometimes seem confusing and hard to follow but it also teaches me to be less afraid of not being able to predict what will happen. Have I also mentioned how beautiful and attractive she is? I haven’t ? Perhaps that goes without saying. Not that I think its her very best feature. Don’t get me wrong, she’s beautiful but its her soul that really makes her beauty shine.

Her amazing personality is what keeps me coming back, what draws me in. Yet, it’s not so easy to define which lends a certain mystery to her being. Something I find even more attractive than the pure physical beauty she also possesses a lot of. Without being flawless, mind you. It would be easy to wax on about her being perfect in every aspect but that’s not how it is. I don’t believe in the concept of a perfect human being anyway. What appeals to me are always the small imperfections that make every person unique.

She certainly is a one of a kind person and I’m very happy  and feel very lucky to have gotten to know her over the past month. Still I feel there is lots more to know and she constantly surprises me with new aspects of herself that adds to the overall image of the person she is. And even if the pieces not always seem to fit straight away they reveal a very interesting soul.

Dear blog

Published 03/21/2016 by MoonieZ

Been a long time.

Now, I’m not going to repeat the whole story of how this thing got started but it did start because it was suggested to me to use a blog for my less than creative writings.

Over the years I used this blog for anything and everything. No direction, no vision, and no set topic or theme. It has worked out rather well without those things.

Most of all I think this is a place for my thoughts about me. A rather dull subject matter with no real importance to anyone else. Yet, readers have appeared from time to time, and also comments. All of them very polite.

Due to the  disorder I only recently found out I suffer from, I suck at being  social. So, I tend to not communicate in the ways that might be expected of me by “normal” people.

On the internet, I find my talent to express myself in writing helps me be a bit more social. In real life, on the other hand, I tend to keep myself to myself and I often keep a distance instead of interacting with other people.

While I grew up, everyone , including myself, thought the reason for my lack of interaction was due to shyness. But, now I know it has been due to autism spectrum disorder all along.

My life hasn’t changed just because I’ve learned of my disorder, but I am now able to more fully understand my own thoughts, feelings and actions and why they are the way they are.

I no longer have to question why I can’t  be more like this or like that. And I no longer feel like a failure because I don’t interact or behave like a “normal” person would.

This has reduced the amount of stress in my life a lot.

Probably not the first post I’ve made about this subject but I couldn’t think of anything else to write today.

What to write and what not

Published 08/08/2012 by MoonieZ

Always a question I ask myself.

Sometimes I know I write too much and too often without really having anything new to say. Many times I simply write in order to keep in touch. To communicate and show I’m still around or that I care.

Sometimes when I write I have second thoughts and worry that I’m annoying instead of nice, since I haven’t got much news to write.  Then I think that if my writing really is annoying nobody would bother reading it  or responding to it.

Where that uncertainty comes from I don’t know for sure but I’ve always been afraid of being annoying or of bothering people. Always prefered to keep quiet instead.

The other day I thought of a question I asked a friend: what would your life be like today if the internet had not been invented?

In my case I know that I would most likely spend as much time writing as I do now, except I’d probably be using a typewriter instead of a computer. Also, I’d spend more time reading actual printed books and watch more movies and television on a tv set rather than at a computer screen.  I wouldn’t have a blog – obviously – but I would be writing some kind of diary or journal on a daily basis. I used to write a diary before I got my first computer and internet hooked up.

I’d probably have some friends but not the same ones and probably not as many contacts with people in other countries as I have thanks to the internet.

For the last 15 years, internet has been a growing part of my life. Most of my life have shifted from the analog to the digital world. When I think back it amazes me that I didn’t know anything at all about computers 15 years ago when I got my very first pc – a Compaq with a 14″ screen. In 2002 I replaced it with a pc I built myself from parts. This system I used and added to for 7 years until it overheated and died in 2009. After that crash I couldn’t afford anything more than a budget HP computer and that’s what I’ve had since then.

After that little detour, I will now return to the topic of this short post. Do I have anything to add? No, not really. Then I should not write anything more. Just stop right here. Fine.

Sunday thinking

Published 03/04/2012 by MoonieZ

I took some time to read through old archived chat conversations I’ve had with some people during the past years. Don’t ask me why I did it. Perhaps to find out if my memory of things was correct or not. Perhaps just in order to pass the time on an average dull weekend. I found out things I had forgotten and remembered things I thought had been different at the time. In some cases I found the past had been better than the present but in most cases I just found that things always change and people do too. Nothing ever remains in one place. I change too, even though I hardly ever notice or want to admit to it. I get older. Time passes. People who once seemed to be one way turn in other directions as time passes. Somebody seems closer and then suddenly slips away and seems to be distant. Not even sure how it happens but it happens.

As much as it feels good to dwell in the past happy times, it’s dangerous to long for wanting them back or hope for them to repeat. Living in the past is something I’ve done too many times already. Neglecting the present is not often good in the long run. It may be that I miss how things were at some point, it may be that I wish it could be that way again but time always moves forward. There’s no way to turn it back. Better to then to keep moving with time instead of trying to move against it.

However, I miss some moments that went by too quickly. Re-reading them makes me want to change some things I said, add other things and somehow ask better questions or have better –  or rather – different answers to some questions. I can see points where certain things slipped through my hands that could have taken other routes if I had acted differently – better. Or then  again, they might still have been the same.

Why I started to look back is partly because I’m thinking about where to go in the future. Should I keep spending this much time doing what I’ve done for more than 10 years or should I follow other paths of interest from now on? Decisions, decisions. Not easy to know what to do. I only know that I have a growing feeling of wanting to do other things and find other ways to move on. Looking back I have had a rather large number of people I’ve kept in touch with online. This number is now down to almost zero. Sometimes I think it has to do with me becoming less active, which is true. My lack of money is another reason, not to be ignored. Less time to spend online is a third aspect. How the places I visit have changed is also part of it. Of course many of the people I used to know have gradually left the scene as well over time. 11 years is a long time. The internet has changed a lot. There are more ways to interact and more people have access to the internet. There are a lot more ways to be social online than when I first started using the internet almost 15 years ago. All of this makes me reconsider my own ways of interaction. I haven’t decided which way to go yet or what to do but I think I will most likely choose a different path sometime soon.  When I know what that path is, I will let you – my readers – know.


Past and present

Published 02/09/2012 by MoonieZ

Been thinking.

It’s a dangerous activity, I know. Sometimes it can’t be helped though.

Late one night not so long ago I had trouble sleeping and started to think about how great it would have been if I had been able to meet a friend from the internet 20 years ago instead of a few years ago. Or for that matter meeting any of the friends I’ve made since getting online the first time 20 years ago instead.

I thought about it because I can see how much I’ve learned by being able to be online and “talk” to people online. Thanks to the internet I’ve been able to learn that social interaction is not so scary and that I indeed have the ability to communicate and make new friends.

For many years I had such trouble with all of that. It got to the point where I gave up on it but that doesn’t mean I was keeping myself isolated,  I simply became too afraid of failure to even try at the times when I were going out among other people to cinemas, concerts, museums, shops and vacations.

Also I used to have too many weird ideas about how to go about connecting with other people, making the task more difficult than it needed to be. For too long I lived too much in my own head. Always feeling like being on the outside looking in on a party but having no idea how to open the door.

Not until the internet arrived. From then on, I’ve learned so much of what I should have needed to know a lot sooner in order to make the most of the past.

Probably it’s useless to dwell on a past that never was but this is what I’ve done for a few days.


Things happen

Published 01/06/2012 by MoonieZ

Some time ago I got an email from an old online friend I hadn’t heard from in a long time. I was happy for some news, even though the news wasn’t only good. Most of all I was happy the communication wasn’t terminated and that the friendship had not reached an end. Still, not long before this happened I had made my peace with the fact that the friendship had reached its end and that it was time to let it become a fine memory and move on. Now, after having the latest news, I feel somewhat conflicted. I don’t know when or if there’ll be any more news but I can’t rule it out. I just don’t know how I feel about bringing this friendship back to life. As much as I want it to continue I can’t deny that I also have made my peace with it being over and keeping it alive just for keeping it alive does not really appeal to me that much. However, I will see what will happen and keep the door open to whatever will be.

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