I had my mind set on writing something else this Monday but the way things turn out made me have to change my plan.
It all started in a nice way with a late evening, night and early morning in a chat room. Then I slept for a few hours. When I woke up it was because I needed to help my mother go to see the doctor. When she got there, he sent her on to the hospital while I was busy getting some errands done. The rest of my day I spent waiting for news. I even called the hospital to check.
The local doctor had suspected a stroke, that’s why he wanted my mother to go to the hospital to be examined by specialists. My mother has had some trouble with walking and standing up without falling or being unsteady and felt dizzy from time to time. Everyone around her has asked her to see the doctor and find out what’s wrong but she has refused until this morning.
I was supposed to do some job searching but I could not focus on anything while waiting for news about my mother. To ease my anxiety I did take a nap for about an hour and after that I felt less worried. Nevertheless, I got calls from my aunt and later I called my oldest brother to let him know what was going on.
When I finally got word that my mother was on her way home and that there wasn’t anything seriously wrong, I was very relieved. I also felt very tired from all the nervous waiting around for news.
Edit: Today, Wednesday May 16th, the doctor at the hospital called and told my mother that the x-rays showed she had suffered a cerebral hemorrhage a while back. There has been one incident one morning some weeks ago when she fell to the floor after having got up from her bed. Suddenly things have become serious again.
Somehow I managed to watch the latest episode of Game of Thrones in the middle of all this. It was good but I still think things move along a bit too slow. Anyway, I’m hooked on it and will keep watching.
My first plan for the evening was to upload more photos to my Flickr album but I never got myself to do it. Too many other things going on and too many thoughts running around.
When I’m done writing this, I’ll be heading to bed. And sleep. All night. Unless the bed bugs bite.
Peace. Tomorrow is Tuesday. Don’t forget that. Tuesdays are people too. I mean days. Of the week.
Yes, I have no life. The post I wrote today about my weekend ought to prove it to you all.
I am happy even without having a life. It could be worse. I could be dead. That would be terrible. Probably.
Still feeling sick/ill and having pains in my stomach. Should go see a doctor but I’m scared of what they might find. That makes no sense, I know, but that’s how it is. Every time I’ve seen a doctor has been the beginning of some extended period of treatments, pain and suffering. The problems with my legs lasted for years and it was not thanks to the treatment by the doctors that they finally healed. Nobody even knew why they healed. Much less did they know why the problems started. So I am scared. I know I have to go sooner or later but I’m still scared. I have no need for more problems right now.
Hey I’m still here…
Looks like spring might be coming. Today it was a bit of sun among the clouds. The snow on the ground is slowly melting away. And the birds are starting to arrive and filling the air with song. However this spring I will keep some distance while watching the birds. Sadly the fear of birdflu seems to be worse than the flu itself.
Work today was easy. I was thinking ahead, towards the evening and the chance of seeing that someone I mentioned in the last post.
I went to the hospital to have my leg checked – it seems to be healing but still it isn’t. Had some pain later in the afternoon, took my painkillers.
Now I feel better. Didn’t do much in the afternoon. Just had some food and then read the news, and looked around the internet and checked my email.
Spam, spam, spam…
Well now I think I will just mention that the movieCrash is not very good, even if many think it is, I didn’t like it much. It isn’t badly done – just too predictable. I never like predictable movies unless they’re made in a genre where it is a rule for them to be predictable. Most action movies are very predictable. And still they can be good, even great.
Another movie I watched is much better, it is a Swedish crime thriller Mastermind, about police detectives trying to catch a very sadistic and clever criminal…
Yes it is true I didn’t write that tune. Some guy from New Jersey beat me to it. Still it is also true that there is actually a darkness at the edge of town – and not just there. It is dark all over town. I guess winter has arrived. I wake up in the morning, it is dark. I go home in the afternoon, it is dark. Soon I won’t know if I am coming or going. Or rather going or coming. Well, it is cold. Today was a really cold day. Snow is on its way which will make it a bit less dark outside.
I wouldn’t mind the cold if I could be without the darkness. Always makes me depressed. Luckily when I’m blue I can always go somewhere and turn red. Or pale white. Mostly I am yellow.
I went to the hospital for the last time… at least for now. Next month I can start working full time. I have to adjust to that. I’ve been away from work a long time but I am happy to be ok again.
Ok, I know it has been a long while that you all had to find your entertainment elsewhere and I apologize for that. However now I am back because I feel that I have so much I need to get out of my mind, out of my system. Truth is that I felt like I had nothing to write about for a time. I think it shows in the decline of quality of my posts lately. Nothing was happening in my world that I thought was interesting to share with you, my dear readers. To be honest there were things happening but I couldn’t get a grip on it so I didn’t want to put it into writing.
First the medical news. My leg is officially healed and I will soon be able to work full-time which means I will have less time to spend on this blog and less time for the community site I visit almost daily. However I will be able to earn some more money and feel more secure. Also I can’t say how glad I am to be rid of my health problems. There is a great weight lifted from my shoulders now.
I am glad for all the support my family and friends have shown me during this long and sometimes painful struggle. That includes my online friends as well, you know who you are.
Now for what has occupied my mind lately. I don’t know what or how to do and feel about it. Of course I should be glad and I am indeed glad when people notice me and give me compliments. However it is so rare that it happens to me that I almost panic whenever it does. I wonder how come, cause I don’t see what they see in me. I don’t think I am much of anything (but obviously I’m wrong there). Ok , I like to write, and I think I do it ok but I am poor at making conversation. True I have learned to be better, but it mostly backfires on me. I have one friend I can really talk to but to get to that point has been a lot of hard work and years of it. Before I learned to relax whenever I saw her and talked without weighing every word, I questioned everything I said being afraid it would be somehow wrong, or silly. Now I am grateful she didn’t give up on me because I would run from the friendship at times, wanting to destroy it even at the same time as I wanted only to keep it and make it grow stronger. I guess my own feelings scared me. That someone might actually consider it worthwhile to spend time with me, get to know me a little bit, scared me. That I was someone who could be someones friend scared me. (Deep down I was of course very happy). I have looked for answers to this conflicted behaviour within myself many times and not found any. The only thing I can think of is those problems I had when I was in school being teased and bullied by the other kids for many years. That made it difficult for me to trust people later on. Also my shyness hasn’t helped either. And probably not my tendency to take things too seriously, and to make too much out of things. So what I am saying is, I am sort of aware of my problems and trying to deal with them but at the same time I wish I was someone else. So before I get back into areas I have already discussed in previous posts let me finish this.
If any of the above makes any sense at all I’m happy. If not, I’ll keep working on it until it does. Thanks for reading this far, and have a nice Sunday.
Another week is coming to an end and I am exhausted. There is not much happening but I still get exhausted. Must be something in the air.
I didn’t get much sleep last night but enough to get me up in the morning and off to the hospital. Someday I will write a book about hospitals. I’ve seen the same corridor for a year now. The nurses all know me by my first name. They are like family. Some of them are even good looking enough to make me nervous about taking my trousers off. This far I’ve been ok but only because I’ve been able to think of other things while they fuss over my leg. Looking at cute nurses is the only pro (if that is the word) I can find about this neverending illness.
After the treatment I went to “work” and it was ok. A very slow day, not many customers around. I guess they were all out to enjoy the suddenly sunny weather. Seems the Russian rain is gone for this time.
Tomorrow my brother will come to visit, and it will be fun. I haven’t seen him for more than a year.
Today’s sad news was the death of Swedish boogie-woogie pianist Charlie Norman, who finally lost his battle against cancer at 84 years of age.
Where’s your update? It is late again. Well I’ve been busy. Busy doing what? If I told you, you wouldn’t believe it, so I won’t tell you. Ok, but what are you going to put in this post then? I ‘m going to tell you about the things happening in my life since the last post. But I thought you just said that you wouldn’t… Oh never mind!
Ok, after this lame attempt at comedy. Go rent The King of Comedy, if you can stand Robert de Niro, and get yourself an insight into the not-so-funny life of a stalker.
Yesterday was a rough day. I got up early to see the surgeon and managed to almost not find the hospital. Don’t ask. When I got there, his first comment was that my leg, and me, needed soap and water. “It hasn’t killed anyone yet”, he said with a grin. Well then he also told me that I needed to get rid of some weight. Before anyone gets any ideas: yes, I know I am overweight.
Finally he told me he’d do the transplant sometime in the coming three months. He was sure he’d be able to heal my leg, which sounded great of course,but my regular doctor has had a year of the same promises so I can’t say I put much trust in them anymore. But I keep hoping this time will be the one.
So he sent me home to have a shower and wash off the leg and then I had to go to the regular hospital to get the wound dressed properly again, as that couldn’t be done at the other hospital.
All this took most of the day so I had to cancel “work”, which was fine with me.
I heated up a frozen meal for dinner and spent the rest of the late afternoon and evening in chatrooms at the site. Had a lot of fun. When I finally got to bed it was really late. So I had only 3.5 hours of sleep, but when I woke up I felt ready for a new day.
“Work” went by in a hurry. I didn’t get tired but my leg started to hurt at the end of the shift. At home there was a great surprise waiting.
My old friend in Europe had finally sent me a collection of photos from her life, holidays and such. It is really nice to see how she lives, her favorite place to hang out and places she has visited. Also her friends and family.
It is so nice to finally see all the places and people I’ve only known through her words, and find that mostly I recognize them from her descriptions. To see a photo makes it more real though, that’s just how it works for me.
Now I only wish I had a good digital camera so I can send her some photos in return. That is something I really want to do, cause she really is my best friend.
Yes, I am still here. Only been a bit lazy on the update. Truth to tell it has been a bit much happening lately. I can’t update before I have sorted it in my head.
Now I know this. I should never fool myself into thinking I know anything. I’m always wrong. The world always surprises me.
Ok, Sunday was great in a lot of ways. Just as Monday wasn’t. Monday was just Monday. The day after. The start of the new week. I had no thoughts, no wish to think. I was happy being. The night leading to Monday was a great time. I wouldn’t go into details, nothing of the where, the how or the who’s. This one I keep for myself.
Monday afternoon was different. I got a email from my old friend, that worried me. I still don’t know what to reply. She has a lot of problems of different kinds. I won’t go into the details of them but it seems like she have barely sorted them before there are new problems. She seems to have no luck with luck. Yet I hope she finds her way out of these recent troubles also.
This morning saw me at the hospital again for my usual treatment. Nothing new on that front.
Did some shopping and when I got home I did some garden work.
Later I sat down at the computer to look at the site and the boards. So much strange stuff happening there. What I’ll do the rest of the evening I don’t know yet. Probably catch some TV.
Hello it’s me again ! Did you miss me? Nah, I didn’t think so. I am here all the time. Probably because nothing happens. Maybe things happen but not that I notice.
Friday I was at the hospital again for another round of treatment. My leg still looks the same. At least that is good. It is not so good to just go around waiting, it makes me depressed. Anyway I got an appointment with a surgeon that will hopefully be able to perform a skin transplant later in the fall. I hope this time it will work. I have been in treatment for a full year soon so it is about time something happens.
The rest of the day I looked at movies. Tony Scott’sMan on Fire was better then I expected and also different. It is a violent movie but not at all like I thought, for which I am happy. The way it is done makes the movie better. Denzel Washington is also perfect in the leading role. Only the style of the movie put me off a bit. I had some trouble following the story due to some over-stylized photography and editing. On the other hand it is a visually stunning movie that can be watched just for the photographic splendor. The movie reminds me of the Asian directors in terms of style and story.
Later I watched an old favorite: John Badham‘s War Games, which I hadn’t seen for about 20 years. It was nice to see it again, still gave me a thrill and reminded me how close to total war the world were many times during the Cold War days. How one mistake or malfunction could have set it all off and destroyed mankind. Also the movie had some scenes from Seattle, Washington. At least it looked like the Seattle skyline.
I have only passed through the international airport in Seattle once on my way to a connecting flight for San Diego, California, after a non-stop flight from Copenhagen, Denmark. I think it was 10 years ago. Anyway I remember that we missed the connection due to the confusing underground transportation system.
During the night I had a chat with my old friend and fell asleep in front of the computer, woke up went to bed and woke again by the sound of thunder and rain. Noticed it was Saturday morning. Slept some more and woke up in the afternoon. And here I am now, writing this belated update.
What I will do the rest of the day I don’t know yet, but I hope you all have a great weekend.
Ok it is Monday again. I woke up early after 4 hours sleep. Had breakfast, read the newspaper and watched the morning shows on TV. There was a lot of talk about domestic politics, not the first thing I like to hear when I wake up. My brain is still off duty then. So later on I took the bus to the hospital for yet another checkup and treatment of my leg.
Today is such a beautiful day. Sun. Blue sky. Warm. I am on “holiday” and everything should be great. Maybe it is great too.
After the hospital I went to a big market and got some stuff I didn’t really need, but they had some dvd’s on sale and I could not resist to add to my ever-growing collection. Sample titles include: Dick Tracy, Ruthless People and L.A. Takedown. Perhaps not the best movies ever made but I find them interesting enough – at bargain prices at least.
Now I’ve had some dinner and washed the dishes. Switched on the computer a few minutes ago and checked the community site, before starting this update. What I will do next I don’t know yet but time will tell.