Hi there, I’m back !
Ok, I know it has been a long while that you all had to find your entertainment elsewhere and I apologize for that. However now I am back because I feel that I have so much I need to get out of my mind, out of my system. Truth is that I felt like I had nothing to write about for a time. I think it shows in the decline of quality of my posts lately. Nothing was happening in my world that I thought was interesting to share with you, my dear readers. To be honest there were things happening but I couldn’t get a grip on it so I didn’t want to put it into writing.
First the medical news. My leg is officially healed and I will soon be able to work full-time which means I will have less time to spend on this blog and less time for the community site I visit almost daily. However I will be able to earn some more money and feel more secure. Also I can’t say how glad I am to be rid of my health problems. There is a great weight lifted from my shoulders now.
I am glad for all the support my family and friends have shown me during this long and sometimes painful struggle. That includes my online friends as well, you know who you are.
Now for what has occupied my mind lately. I don’t know what or how to do and feel about it. Of course I should be glad and I am indeed glad when people notice me and give me compliments. However it is so rare that it happens to me that I almost panic whenever it does. I wonder how come, cause I don’t see what they see in me. I don’t think I am much of anything (but obviously I’m wrong there). Ok , I like to write, and I think I do it ok but I am poor at making conversation. True I have learned to be better, but it mostly backfires on me. I have one friend I can really talk to but to get to that point has been a lot of hard work and years of it. Before I learned to relax whenever I saw her and talked without weighing every word, I questioned everything I said being afraid it would be somehow wrong, or silly. Now I am grateful she didn’t give up on me because I would run from the friendship at times, wanting to destroy it even at the same time as I wanted only to keep it and make it grow stronger. I guess my own feelings scared me. That someone might actually consider it worthwhile to spend time with me, get to know me a little bit, scared me. That I was someone who could be someones friend scared me. (Deep down I was of course very happy). I have looked for answers to this conflicted behaviour within myself many times and not found any. The only thing I can think of is those problems I had when I was in school being teased and bullied by the other kids for many years. That made it difficult for me to trust people later on. Also my shyness hasn’t helped either. And probably not my tendency to take things too seriously, and to make too much out of things. So what I am saying is, I am sort of aware of my problems and trying to deal with them but at the same time I wish I was someone else. So before I get back into areas I have already discussed in previous posts let me finish this.
If any of the above makes any sense at all I’m happy. If not, I’ll keep working on it until it does. Thanks for reading this far, and have a nice Sunday.
Over and out !