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Hello!

I’m back to haunt you once more. Just when you thought it safe to return to this deserted blog on the edge of town. Not far from the darkness that dwells there.

Anyway, I’ve had some interesting days to say the least.

Many laps around the rollercoaster called life lately. Many different feelings. Highs and lows.

Some matters have been resolved, some are pending and some remains to be seen where they end up.

Still, the question of where to live, where to move to, remains ro be resolved. I’m still not sure what I really want to do but I’m not alone in making the change. My brothers have a say in it also.

Getting help from the municipality seems to be a long struggle where the eventual outcome is highly uncertain.

Finding a place to rent is not easy, and buying one in the current market is very expensive. So, to make a long story short, I’m kind of stuck where I am for the time being.

I feel a lot of stress due to this situation, and I’m not sure anyone else really understand how I feel. My ASD is not making having an uncertain future any easier or less stressful.

Luckily I have some nice people to communicate with who help take my mind off of the stress and let me have fun and enjoy myself. I’m very  grateful to have them around.

Perhaps I could manage without friends but I feel it makes life easier to have a few. Most of my life I haven’t had many friends. Most of the time only one or two or none at all.

I don’t find friends easily, and I have some trouble keeping them. I have trouble with social interactions and don’t like being around many people at once.

One at a time, works best for me. Not always easy to explain to everyone I happen to meet.

Summer is around the corner. Some beautiful warm days have already passed by but I hope the best is yet to come.

Then there is the matter of grief. One thinks it will fade away through the passing of time but it doesn’t work that way. I’d say it starts to sink its claws in you when you think it has disappeared. Every month around the 22nd, I have a minor breakdown. I think I will always feel that way. I know I will always miss my parents, and perhaps my mother more than my father because I spent more time with my mother and because my mother’s passing happened so fast. There was no way to say goodbye.

I find that music helps a lot to sort out all kinds of feelings.

Emotions

Hey, readers!

Been a few emotional days lately. For me. What it has been like for you, I haven’t got a clue about.

Anyway, yesterday I helped put my mother (or her ashes) in her final resting place next to my father.

Me and my brothers were all gathered for the simple ceremony of carrying the wooden urn from the church to the grave. My maternal uncle and my oldest nephew were also present. I was the one to set the urn into the ground. Somehow, after doing that I felt all at peace. I knew that it was all done, the interment was the final step in the whole burial ceremony. Now, I can move on forward. A kind of relief.

After a coffee break at the local coffee-house, I spent the rest of the day with my brother the drummer/chef. We talked, cooked dinner, listened to music and relaxed.

This morning I woke up rather early and spent a few hours talking to my brother until our uncle called and invited us out for lunch.

We went by car to a nice restaurant and had a nice lunch, including dessert and coffee. Then some grocery shopping before heading home. The weather today has been fabulous. Sunny and warm.

My brother has gone to see an old friend from his youth, and I’ve had a few slush mojitos before starting to write this rather dull update.

All that remains is to end it.

Oh, I know the headline is “Emotions” but I think the emotions are present without being spelled out. Then again, I could be wrong.

 

My birthday 2015

What’s another year…..

My birthday came and went. All the usual suspects showed up and some congratulated via Facebook. Some didn’t do anything at all. Just as every year.

I made the sandwich cake myself this year instead of buying one from the store. Just to show the world I can get things done – if I really want to.

I got a nice pair of shoes from my uncle, and a fine sweater from one of my cousins.My oldest brother brought flowers.  Not that I really need any presents at this age. Still nice that they made the effort to get me some things. The best was that they showed up.

Happy New Year 2013

Well, time to let go of the old and welcome the new again. Another year over and what have I learned?

That  no matter what, wishful thinking is not enough if I really want things to change.

Yet, I haven’t just been thinking, I have also made efforts. Done what I can. And, I’m going to keep on doing what I can to make some changes happen.

My goals for 2013 aren’t many, and I’m not making any resolutions at all. I will let it all be whatever it will be.

Today, this last day of the year 2012, I celebrate and wish all my family, relatives and friends a Happy New Years Eve and a safe celebration wherever they may be.

Tomorrow I start working on making 2013 a better year.

Not that 2012 was all bad. Far from it. My family and friends made it a good year, at least made parts of it really good.

I’m happy for those good times and hope for more of them during 2013.  The bad times I will not think about and I hope there’ll be less of those in the new year.

Last but not least: life goes on, long after the thrill of living is gone

Happy New Year everyone! Stay safe and have fun!

And now, the news

Ok, I’m a year older. My birthday came and went.

I got greetings from friends on the internet, they really made me happy. Every time it happens, I’m always surprised to see that so many actually care about me. I know I shouldn’t be so surprised but sometimes I tend to forget there are people who care about me. I tend to want to dwell in misery all on my own and think that the world has forgotten about me. Don’t ask me why I’m still so stupid, I really wish I could stop thinking that way.

My family and relatives greeted me on Facebook. My aunt and uncle and one of cousins visited me. My brother the chef called me on the phone. My other uncle sent a greeting card.

All in all it was a fine day.

The rest of the week was kind of average. On Monday I went to a small town outside of Stockholm to apply for a job.  On Tuesday I was at the office doing some writing and discussing. In the evening I helped my mother bake some for my birthday. On Wednesday – my birthday – I went to the small town again to apply for another job. On the way home I stopped by the grocery store to pick up some things for my birthday party. Got home, rested a bit, then started to set the table and get things ready before the guests arrived.

On Thursday, I worked at home. Did some writing, and other things. On Friday I was back at the office and continued to work on my blog project. I also applied for some work.

In the evening I watched TV and a movie  and looked around on the internet. Went to sleep late.

Today I woke up early thinking I had to get up and go to work before I remembered I had nowhere to go and that it is Saturday anyway. Fell asleep again and finally got up around 11 am.  Read the newspaper, then got some work clothes on and went out to work in the yard until the afternoon.

Had some pain in my stomach so went inside to rest before dinner.

After dinner, I’ve spent the rest of the evening reading, listening to music and looking around the internet. Maybe I’ll find a movie to watch later on.

In times of trouble and misery

 

Not having the best of days. Today I’m at home, due to not feeling well. I have stomach pains that started yesterday and only kept me annoyed through the  evening and night. Woke up feeling sick and having the same pain, so I had no choice but to call in sick to the office where I spend my days as a part of a government program for the unemployed.  First time in two years I’ve had to stay at home due to illness. I’m mostly not ill, even if I have had my share of health problems over the years.

It was the same for most of the years when I had a job. I was very rarely forced to stay at home due to illness. Until the problems with my legs hit me in the spring of 2001. Then  some bad years followed, but since the spring of 2006 I’ve been back to being ill only for a few days a year at the most. At least I’ve not had to stay at home due to illness more than that but I’ve certainly felt unwell a lot more often without being really ill.

I missed out on seeing friends online both last night and today and that has not helped me to feel better. Neither does the weather. Only rain and clouds today. Supposed to rain all day and evening, not ending until tomorrow.

Some might say it’s a perfect time to be ill when there’s nothing to do but stay indoors anyway. I disagree. If I was feeling all ok I would be busy getting ready for my brother arriving to visit tomorrow. Now I don’t even know if I’ll be well enough to enjoy that as much I would like.

Still, at times like these, it’s good to remember it isn’t the end of the world even if it feels like it at the moment.

During this week I have spent some evenings watching the three Jason Bourne movies starring Matt Damon. I liked them all and found the story thrilling all the way to the end.

Yesterday morning I helped my mother go to the doctor to have her eyes examined and operations scheduled. Turned out my mother has lost almost half of her eyesight so having surgery to restore some of that will certainly be helpful.

Later we did some grocery shopping but by then I was in so much pain that I almost threw up when I had returned home.

I know, I ought to see a doctor but I’m still thinking this will go away by itself. It has done so before but only to return. Then go away again.

Then there’s the feeling of already having too many problems to deal with that sort of stops me from getting the energy to take on one more. Probably makes no sense but it makes sense to me. I have walked enough miles in my shoes to know.

 

 

July 21, 2012

 

Today I got up at around 5 am. Visited a chatroom and spent some time talking to a friend. Then went back to sleep again at around 7am and woke up again at around 10am.

Got up and had breakfast with my mother and my niece. Nephew was asleep until past 12 am. Seems they both had very little sleep on the night before travelling here from the south of Sweden.

They got ready and went to the city to visit the amusement park. I decided not to go with them, as I feel a bit tired and prefer to rest. Also had some garden work to do.

Yesterday afternoon my other nephew and his baby daughter also visited. It was nice to have them all here.

We had different kinds of fish, potatoes and vegetables for dinner.

Later in the evening, my niece and nephew went to sleep while I spent some time at my computer writing job applications. I also looked around the internet and watched the latest episode of Louie.

Ended my evening in a chatroom.

All in all a good day.

 

What’s new in Moonieland?

Ok, time to update on what goes on in the real world of MoonieZ, that is the world outside my head. I know what goes on inside my head. An awful lot of dreaming, mostly about one certain  individual. Very nice dreams and very innocent and pure too, I assure you.

No time to waste. Even though time is something I seem to have a lot of. Maybe time is all I’ve got. Lately I feel like time is running out, though.

WORK  Still nothing new to report. I have applied for a bunch of jobs recently but still haven’t had any word back. I’m working on finding work though. That’s been my “job” for years now.

OFFICE Yes I spend most days at the office along with thirty other people in the same unemployed situation. There I’m working on projects that are supposed to help me get a real job. So far I’ve managed to finish my long overdue bachelor’s degree by writing one small paper that was missing from one of the classes I had taken. It feels good to have got it all done. Remains to be seen what use I can make of having a bachelor’s degree in Cultural Studies and Cinema in my search for a new job. My next project involves blogging and it might also branch out to involve the writing of a book. Time will tell.

MONEY Still paying off debts. The little I have left keeps the roof over my head and food on my table but not much else. However I’m happy to be able to live. That I don’t have much of a life is another matter. It’s all my own fault anyway.

FRIENDS Yes I have some friends. Thanks to the internet I’m not all alone. Well, I used to have friends before the internet too but I still like my internet friends. One of them I don’t see anymore and it has been hard to accept but I’ve moved on. Luckily the friends I still see are really nice and they are all people I care about. One of them I have to admit I really care a lot about. Probably too much at times.

FAMILY I have my mother and my brothers, my uncles and my aunts. My nieces and nephews and my cousins. Family is important and without them I’d be lost.

HEALTH I’m not too ill. Haven’t got much of a stamina though and always think I ought to exercise more but can’t seem to get started. Probably suffer from kidney stones and can’t afford to have my teeth fixed but generally I’m feeling ok. Starting to put on weight again which is not good though. I was glad to have lost some so I’ll just have to start watching how much I eat again. Not always easy as food is one of the few pleasures my life still has left to offer. I know that food has often worked as a substitute for things I want and need in my life but can’t seem to get or have much of. Like love, affection, physical contact, sex.

LOVE  No comment.

FUTURE  Do hope I have a future. The hope of a better tomorrow is what keeps me going.

 

A bunch of words

My oldest nephew became a father today.  Made me think about how much life has passed me by. Again. I’m so far behind I’ll never catch up on all things that have passed me by already. Useless to even think about such matters. All I’ve got is the here and now – tomorrow I could be gone. The past is history. Yet, at a moment like this I do stop to think and feel that twinge of sadness. I allow it, then I move on.  Of course I’m happy for my nephew and his girlfriend but I’m still reminded how much time has passed.  I guess I’ll be getting ready to be that eternal bachelor nerdy uncle every family should have around. Or I don’t know. Perhaps I should tell myself there’s still time. I wouldn’t dare to bet much on it though.

Peace.

Mother’s Day

Right.

This is the day and the time and the place to type something cute and clever and respectful in order to celebrate one’s origin – Mother or Mom. So, that’s what I’ll do.

Having had a father who made a career out of learning to fly in the Swedish Air Force and later learning to control air traffic, my mother has for me most of all been the manager of the home life.

Working – as she always did – kind of behind the scenes. Taking care of my father, my older brothers and later on me, as well as caring for  her own mother, her father, dad’s parents, her younger brother’s kids, her sister’s kids and lots of friends throughout the years.

I’ve often wondered how she coped with all the work. Sometimes I’ve heard her say that she didn’t but she has always managed anyway. Because that was the way it was supposed to be. End of story. Sort of.

My mother worked a lot of different jobs as a girl and young woman before marrying my father. She delivered mail, worked in the family bakery, planted trees, worked in a café and in a laundry. Then, after getting married, she only devoted her life to being a stay at home wife and mother until she was in her 50’s and friends told her should get out of the home and work for a salary  in order to get a bit more of a pension before reaching the age of retirement at 65. So she worked cleaning in office buildings for about 10 years. During those years I was at school and she worked part-time so she could be home when I came home from school.  After working outside the home she worked inside the home everyday. Not that she never got any help from my father or from me but she still was the one to keep the home in shape.

These days I can’t help to feel guilty when I think of how much work my mother has done and how much she still works now, at the respectable age of 87. Of course she gets more help now and there is not as many she has to care for besides herself but she still keeps busy and seems to want to keep busy even though she sometimes says she doesn’t. I guess it’s not easy to accept that old age is taking strength away and that things won’t be like they’ve always been.

Also I am of course grateful for all the things she’s done for me and all the things she’s taught me. And not to mention the excellent home cooking over the years. Being the daughter of baker she knows both how to bake and cook. Even if in the later years she doesn’t always have the motivation and energy to do much of either.

Mother’s Day should be celebrated every day but at least there’s one day of the year devoted to celebrating Mothers everywhere. Without my mother I wouldn’t be here.