Trying to sleep, I started thinking about my life. How I ended up where I am.
I know one thing – if I could go back and change some of my actions, I would. In fact, I wish I could.
But of course I know I can’t. All I can do is live on and learn from the past mistakes so that I will not repeat them again down the line.
I also question some of the choices I’ve made.
For so long I had the dream of becoming a writer. Yet, all I did was to write things that nobody ever saw or got to read. The dream, I carried in my head. Kept to myself while I worked with the “simple” tasks at my job in the grocery stores. For decades.
I did go to the University after having worked for more than ten years and when I did, I had many bold plans, hopes and dreams. Filled with motivation and energy I set out to study and then advance from my low-level job to a better one. At the University I did well – most classes I passed with the highest grades. I had fun, and really enjoyed my life as a student.
Instead of a degree and a better job came illness. After that unemployment and on top of that – financial collapse. Of these three the first two were not my fault and the third is to a large degree my own doing.
Now I suffer the consequences of my actions. Still I haven’t given up. I keep looking for ways to move forward.
However, I have more days now, when I question how long I will be able to keep going without getting anywhere. The temptation of giving up and letting it all go grows stronger.
If only there was a way to go back and make some changes. If only.
Not having the best of days. Today I’m at home, due to not feeling well. I have stomach pains that started yesterday and only kept me annoyed through the evening and night. Woke up feeling sick and having the same pain, so I had no choice but to call in sick to the office where I spend my days as a part of a government program for the unemployed. First time in two years I’ve had to stay at home due to illness. I’m mostly not ill, even if I have had my share of health problems over the years.
It was the same for most of the years when I had a job. I was very rarely forced to stay at home due to illness. Until the problems with my legs hit me in the spring of 2001. Then some bad years followed, but since the spring of 2006 I’ve been back to being ill only for a few days a year at the most. At least I’ve not had to stay at home due to illness more than that but I’ve certainly felt unwell a lot more often without being really ill.
I missed out on seeing friends online both last night and today and that has not helped me to feel better. Neither does the weather. Only rain and clouds today. Supposed to rain all day and evening, not ending until tomorrow.
Some might say it’s a perfect time to be ill when there’s nothing to do but stay indoors anyway. I disagree. If I was feeling all ok I would be busy getting ready for my brother arriving to visit tomorrow. Now I don’t even know if I’ll be well enough to enjoy that as much I would like.
Still, at times like these, it’s good to remember it isn’t the end of the world even if it feels like it at the moment.
During this week I have spent some evenings watching the three Jason Bourne movies starring Matt Damon. I liked them all and found the story thrilling all the way to the end.
Yesterday morning I helped my mother go to the doctor to have her eyes examined and operations scheduled. Turned out my mother has lost almost half of her eyesight so having surgery to restore some of that will certainly be helpful.
Later we did some grocery shopping but by then I was in so much pain that I almost threw up when I had returned home.
I know, I ought to see a doctor but I’m still thinking this will go away by itself. It has done so before but only to return. Then go away again.
Then there’s the feeling of already having too many problems to deal with that sort of stops me from getting the energy to take on one more. Probably makes no sense but it makes sense to me. I have walked enough miles in my shoes to know.