Thought

All posts tagged Thought

Hey June

Published 06/09/2013 by MoonieZ

So it is. I’m not sure what to write about. For many days I have been thinking what to write next. Never works. Too much thinking means no writing. Not even ‘next’ . Why? Because when I think enough, nothing seems good enough to write. Not even the news about my dull life or anything else with any connection to it.

I haven’t been too great – neither of mind nor body – and my updates have suffered. Headaches and other pains have stopped me, along with too much thinking about matters I can do nothing about. Then some emotions on top of it all and the rest is history.

Anyway last month – May – marked my four years as a visitor at MFC. This month means I have tortured the readers of this blog for no less than 8 years. It all began back in 2005. June. I had recently found a nice site to visit and gotten to know some people there. After having written some on the forum there and gotten a lot of nice feedback someone suggested I should start a blog to publish my writings and I did. Never knew then I’d still be at it 8 years later. The site is gone, most of the people I no longer see but this blog remains and perhaps I still have some readers who remember me from that site.

Readers. Thank you all very much. Old or new, casual or regular. No matter what kind of reader you are, I thank you. There would be no point to this blog without readers. After all, I didn’t start a blog only for my own enjoyment, or I could have kept a diary instead. However I never imagined having a lot of readers or followers.

Maybe I did at some point try to pretend that having readers or not wouldn’t matter but I guess I was trying to protect myself from feeling disappointed if there would never be any readers at all.

Still, I’m amazed I have readers because I don’t often think I post anything worth reading.

Now I notice there is no plan to this at all. Jumping from one topic to the next and then back again. Been away from writing for too long, no doubt.

Yes, or maybe this is all you’ve got?

Sure, I knew you’d say that. No surprise.

What’s the answer then?

The answer is: I have no idea what you mean.

Oh, really? I figured you’d be smarter but I see I was mistaken. 

This is going nowhere.  Good night and thank you for stopping by.

Dodging the questions are we now? 

You may think what you like.

I will.

 

Think outside the box

Published 02/11/2013 by MoonieZ

No, I don’t think humans can really think outside the “box”, simply because a “box” is always there to contain our thinking. If  it would be possible to think  outside that “box”, then that would be thinking none of us would understand. From this you can conclude that I’m referring to language as the ultimate “box” that contains and surrounds all our thinking and also enables us to communicate our thoughts not only in our minds but to each other. It’s not my idea of course. It’s simply a way of thinking about thinking that makes sense to me.

 

No I don’t think so

Published 01/04/2013 by MoonieZ

No I don’t think I’m the only one having problems. No, I don’t think I’m the only one having the problems I have.

I would very much not like to come across as thinking I’m alone in the world of problems. Of course there are lots of people having all kinds of problems. Somehow I think everyone has some kind of problem to deal with. Maybe not all the time and maybe not everyone all the time but from time to time.

Also, I’m sure I’m not the only one to sometimes think I’m alone in my misery while everyone else is happy and without problems of any kind.

However, I can only speak about me and my own problems, so my blog often deals with me and only me. As if I’m the only person in the world having problems.

So, I write this to assure my readers that I’m aware of the fact that I’m not alone in the world or alone in having problems.  And I do care about other people and their problems.

We’re all human and I think the thought of being alone in the world problems is a very common thought.

Something I happened to think of at this moment before going to bed to sleep after having had a long day that was mostly good and ended with a birthday party.  My brother’s 64th birthday.

 

The time has come

Published 11/15/2012 by MoonieZ

The time has come to make some changes. Perhaps the changes have been happening for some time without me really paying attention.

In my own mind I have been thinking about my place in the world and where my life is going and what I want to do about it. No different from how it has always been but still my thinking has taken a new direction.

My most important goal in life is still to find and keep a job that will provide not only income but also a chance to put my skills to good use.

Of course, finding someone special to share my life with ought to be the most important goal but it isn’t anymore.

I have to start to be more realistic about this quest as it has taken a lot of time, effort and energy out of me over the years without much result to show. The emotional wear and tear has also taken a toll and lately I have started to think it would be better if I didn’t bother so much with it all.

I have a few nice friends and some other good people in my life. Maybe to feel appreciated as a friend and to appreciate others in that fashion is actually good enough at this point. At least it makes me feel happy. I guess all I’m thinking is to be really happy for what I do have in life instead of always be chasing something more or better or whatever without reaching it.

More Monday misery

Published 10/22/2012 by MoonieZ

Yesterday, I started writing an update for this blog, but I didn’t finish it or publish it. Why? I didn’t like it. Wasn’t good enough.

I had trouble sleeping last night. Something was keeping me awake, thinking.

The thought about how I do things and hope they will be a certain way or result in something good and then when nothing happens, I feel like I failed. It depresses me.

Maybe in this case, I’m wrong to think of it as a failure, because I did what I wanted to do and everything was good except the final result did not happen. Yet. So in a way it failed anyway, but mostly in my mind.

Shouldn’t let it trouble me as it is such a small matter but when you make plans and want to do good and it ends in nothing, you may feel somewhat disappointed for a moment. On the other hand, it’s not anyones fault, just something that happens sometimes.

Things don’t always go exactly as planned and it can still be good in the end. So, I just have to let it go and move on.

And I also have to keep in mind why I did it. Not for me or my selfish satisfaction, but for the happiness of somebody else. So, if they are happy with it, then all is well anyway.

Yet, I still had trouble sleeping and felt sad and like a failure. Would be stupid to deny that.

“Allow yourself to feel uncomfortable for a while, especially if you’re thinking about things that cannot be changed,” is what my horoscope for today says, and for once it’s right on the money. That’s how I feel today.

Last day of July, 2012

Published 07/31/2012 by MoonieZ

Sorry for the lack of updates. Haven’t had anything to write. No, that’s not true. I’ve got plenty on my mind but I don’t feel like sharing it all with the world. Too personal, or perhaps only too embarrassing.

Most of the time I don’t mind sharing my thoughts and feelings but lately I’ve started to ask myself why I should share anything at all. Clearly, it makes very little difference in my life. Nothing changes because I share my life with you, the reader.

I still wake up alone, feeling like shit. And, before you start telling me, I know it’s my own fault how I feel and that my life is going down the tubes. I’m not looking for someone to blame. I blame myself and my ridiculous shortcomings in terms of making my way in the world.

There’s no one else to blame.  Even if it would be easier for me to blame someone else. Take a lot of the burden of having to change off of my shoulders. The only way for my life to be better is if I make it better.

This means, I have to deal with myself and begin to change what needs to be changed in order for my life to change. However, it’s much easier for me to stay in bed and hide under the covers.

And why should I share this lack of  will to change with you lot?

No, from now on, I will not update this blog with my inner thoughts and feelings. From now onwards – this  blog will be surface only. Superficial  in every way. The road to success!

A big shining smile with nothing underneath, is what this blog will be. Every day, all the time.

Shallow? You bet! Shallow shall now be my middle name.

Granted, I will soon be very bored but boredom is the price to pay for success and by God will I pay it!

So, goodbye misery and hello happiness! Things will be very different around here very soon.

Boring and average

Published 06/25/2012 by MoonieZ

I feel the pressure to write something boring now, boring and average. Not mention any controversial words or try to be funny in any way that might offend anyone.

Maybe I ought to post a recipe for boredom, with the prominent ingredient being average, lot of average.  Of course that would be boring and that is the point.

Some people will want the boring average stuff to read. Not the strange stuff I post so much of. They do not want controversy, they want to feel safe and secure in their average values. Better not elaborate – I feel I’m beginning to be controversial and strange again.

When  I started writing this blog, in 2005, I didn’t know what to write so I let it be a diary. I wrote about what happened in my life and how I felt about it. Soon, I started looking back at my life and then I wanted to present my interests and show off how creative I thought I was  – or rather – wanted to be.

Recently I’ve been thinking about starting over. Begin again. Fresh. A new blog, built on what I have learned from this one but with more focus on one major topic. The more I think about it though, the less I really want to do it.

My goal has never been to reach the whole world or to become internet famous. My one goal has been self-expression. That’s why the posts I write are almost only about me. Sometimes I have trouble finding ideas to write which results in posts like this one. A ramble, totally unfocused and average.  Perfect for a Monday when the rain is pouring down and will continue to do so for another full day.

Listening to music makes thinking easier though.  Mostly thinking turns into daydreaming though.

 

Weekend that was

Published 05/09/2012 by MoonieZ

This is something I have had on my mind to write for days now.

It’s really a simple story but somehow I haven’t wanted to write it down.  Been thinking about how to tell it, what words to use.  As usual when I think too much, nothing gets done, so now I’m typing without much thinking and we’ll see how it goes.

Friday afternoon I returned from a rather dull day at the office expecting nothing more than to get home and have some dinner and relax.

Well, in my mail was a very big envelope from a University. I could almost guess what was in it: a degree certificate.

The final proof that my struggle to finish my education was over had arrived. Now I had the result in my hand. I felt very happy but also relieved. To finish had taken a long time.

I had at times thought that it would never happen. I had been ready to give up along the way. Especially during the break that lasted 10 years , when I didn’t study at all. Yet, deep down inside I did want to finish. I didn’t want all the work to be in vain.

It also had to do with the memory of my father. When he passed away I decided that life is too short for not trying to live one’s dreams. There may not be a tomorrow so today has to be made the most of.

Before my father was diagnosed with terminal cancer I thought I had plenty of time and that there was no rush to do anything – “I’ll do it later”. I liked my life and my work and I thought higher education wasn’t for me anyway. Besides, I had already turned down a chance to go to the University and had started working instead.

However, when one of your parents die your perspective changes. At least my perspective changed.

I realized life can end at any moment and I knew that when my parents are gone, I’m next in line so I better have lived a full life before the day comes when it all ends.

My father was happy with his life – he said he had lived his dream. So I asked myself – if I die tomorrow will I be able to say the same about my life? The answer was NO.  Why? Because I still wanted to do more, learn more and work with something where I could make use of my talents and education. So a year after my father died, I decided to go back to school and try to make my dream real.

To be honest there were other reasons as well but I will not mention those here.

Anyway, this Friday I reached the end of that story. Now the next chapter will begin.

Needless to say this event stirred a lot of emotions which kind of messed up my weekend plans and interactions. I wasn’t at my most balanced self so I think I may have seemed more weird than usual. However by Monday I was back to my normal self and now I feel fine. I’m very happy to have my degree of Bachelor of Arts and I’m glad I didn’t give up on it.

Something new?

Published 05/02/2012 by MoonieZ

I’ve been thinking. Thinking. Should I update or not? Should I really put my ass on the line again, just for the satisfaction of reading my words on this blog once more? Sometimes, I can’t decide if it’s worth it or not. Sometimes I think I have nothing more to say about anything to anyone at all.

It was like that the other night. I was in a chat room having a nice chat with my beautiful friend, laughing and having a good time, when suddenly it hit me: I have no idea what more to say, no idea at all. Of course I didn’t stop typing just because I didn’t know what more to say. Instead I kept on typing and somehow words came out that made some kind of sense, had a meaning and kept the convo going. I was happy to have gotten through without falling silent.

The next day I started thinking about writing an update for this blog. I had some ideas, I even had one text all worked out in the back of my head but when I thought about writing it I got second thoughts and cold feet and suddenly didn’t feel like writing it. Or anything else.

The day after was the same. The thought came: it’s time to update and then the next thought was: I don’t want to. Not now, not today. I do have ideas but I don’t feel like sharing them anymore.  So I did something else. Looked at Tumblr dashboard, read tweets and listened to music. Also watched some sort of fancy Danish porn movie: All About Anna but without much interest. After some more thinking I decided to go to sleep. Still without updating.

I woke up this morning and knew that today I would have to update this blog – somehow. The show must go on. That’s just the way it is. Some things will never change.

However, I still feel a lot of resistance even as I’m writing this. A voice in my head tells me to not do this. To not finish it. To not publish it. But, I will publish. Have I done this much writing I will not throw it out, I will publish it no matter what I think. So, this is why this update is the way it is. No secrets, no lies. Only words.

Unrealistic reality

Published 01/01/2012 by MoonieZ

To think I have everything under control. When I don’t control anything. Almost not even myself.  To think the unreal could be real just by a will to make it so. To think a dream could be made real just through trying enough times.

I’ve had an unrealistic approach to reality. To what is possible and what’s not. To know what is there and what’s only in my mind. To see the difference and accept it. So many times my mind has wanted me to interpret reality in an unrealistic way to better suit my dream of how it ought to be. For too long this has been going on. For too long I’ve allowed myself to indulge in my illusions of reality in an unrealistic way. I’ve gotten lost in that world. Lost my sense of what is really real. My sense of what’s possible and what’s only wishful thinking. I guess if you have had a dream or a wish long enough it becomes a very powerful force in your life so that it even makes you lose your sense of what’s real and what’s not. Make your expectations unrealistic instead of realistic. Even though I think I’ve got myself out of that , I still slip back into it and have to make another effort to get back out.

Not that it’s wrong to dream or wish or hope for things to happen, but it might be wise to make a reality check from time to time to make sure the dreaming is not distorting one’s perception of reality so that you stop seeing what’s really there in favor of what you wish it to be.

I’m not sure this makes any sense to anyone but I will post it anyway because it’s what I’ve been thinking of lately.

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