friends

All posts tagged friends

Not a clue

Published 12/09/2017 by MoonieZ

I feel like I don’t know what to do or say. I feel like what I do or say doesn’t work out as it used to. Probably because I don’t understand what to do or say.

It bothers me, and makes me anxious and nervous and sad. I try my best to stay positive and work my way through  all the negative thoughts and feelings that grab hold of me. Never wanted more to understand things and people the right way so I won’t fuck up but it feels like it’s not possible for me. I feel so lost and useless and small. All I wish is to be happy for myself and for others. When I can’t be, I feel like a big fail.

All the things happening lately has made me so weak and scared. There is someone I don’t want to lose but my inability to communicate properly is making me afraid I will.

Today, or yesterday, has been so exhausting that I hardly have any energy left. My brain is tired and thinking is slow.

I’m going to sleep on it and see what happens tomorrow. Still holding on to that positive thinking. Trying to. at least .

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Living on my own

Published 11/27/2017 by MoonieZ

I had no idea it would be so hard to adjust to life after my parents passed.

When my father passed away , after a long battle with cancer, I was devastated for years. I was sure nothing would be as painful as that experience.

Little did I know.

Twenty years later, and two years ago, my mother passed away after suffering a massive stroke. This blow didn’t feel as bad at first but now I find it gets worse by the month.

As it dawns on me I’m now alone. To live the rest of my days without anyone to ask for advice, help, support, comfort or whatever. No one to turn to. Wake up and go about my days alone. Come home to a silent apartment. Cook my meals and eat alone.

Sleepless nights scared, miserable, overcome by anxiety and crying my heart out – alone.

Significant other, you might ask? None. Never had one and not likely to ever find one as it seems to be the hardest thing to do for me. Connecting with other people is the most difficult thing I know. Partly due to the autism spectrum disorder I have but didn’t know for sure until last year, and partly due to not having a clue to how. Not for lack of trying various ways over the years.

Same to be said about friends. As a kid and up through my teens I had only a few friends and none was really close. As an adult I’ve had one real friend outside of family and relatives. But that friendship didn’t last.

However, while it lasted it was a great feeling to have someone to share live with – the highs AND the lows. Burdens became less heavy to carry and the joys felt greater when shared with her. Of course it worked both ways, I was as much her support as she was mine. I learned a lot about life and human interaction and also grew as a person during those years. I even learned to have arguments and how to make up afterwards.  My confidence also developed and I started to feel more secure in my daily interactions with other people.

When it all ended, or rather slowly faded away, I was very sad. For several reasons. I knew it wouldn’t be easy to find a new friend to be that close to and I knew I would find it hard to be alone again. Desperate search for a new friend ended in some sad disappointments and other failures. A limited success was good for a year or two until I realized some facts that did change my attitude to it all. Since then I’ve been afraid to get my hopes up and not looked around for friends at all. Until very recently.

During the last years of my mother’s life, my life was filled with problems I had created for myself and one I was only partly responsible for. There were a lot of arguments and hard feelings at times but still also the comfort of having someone to talk to and share things with. Although not all things. To do that I would have needed a friend and/or significant other.

Still those years were better because we could help each other and keep each other company at times even if most of the time was spent at separate ends of the house.

The topic is life after the parents passing though. And as I have already stated, it’s not  getting better. At least not for me. I’m only just now learning to live all alone and I don’t like it much. I don’t mind about doing chores and such, it’s the being all alone thing I don’t find myself at ease with.  To have time but no one to share it with. To have joys and troubles and no one around. Well, I do have someone I talk to but I’m probably not patient enough about it and I feel I have lost a lot of my confidence and have to learn to build all of that up again. It takes time and I feel like my time is running away from me.

Go out! Yes, yes, I know but there aren’t many places where people gather I feel like being at. Due to my disorder I feel uncomfortable in large crowds and I tire very fast trying to cope with all the impressions coming at me as sights, sounds and smells.

Is it hopeless? No, I don’t think so. Must try to learn how to cope with life alone.

Somebody new

Published 10/14/2017 by MoonieZ

Let me tell you this, readers, writing this wasn’t easy.  First, I thought I had a brilliant idea to write all this in Swedish. That was before I actually started. Then, as I started, it dawned on me how it would seem odd to suddenly write in Swedish at this blog, which has only seen one text in Swedish during its entire existence. So, after a day or two of thinking about it, I decided English is the only way to go.

Thinking about what to write has also proved to make it difficult to even start. To get out of that situation I simply write what comes to mind. Regardless of what I think about it.

I see no other way to get this all out of head and into a block of text.

A Friday was the day it all started. I was having a slow day doing a lot of nothing and got the sudden idea to check out the new faces of the chat site I used to visit occasionally.

So, I browsed through the section of new arrivals and suddenly a certain screen name caught my eye. The first part of it was identical to my own and that made me curious to find out if it was indeed true and not false like the case had often been in the past with people claiming to be Swedish.

So I went in, just to see if I could find out.

Now, I must admit, my first reaction to what I saw did not make me all that interested in staying. The person in front of the camera did strike me as not that nice or interesting but I still decided to chat and drop some tokens. After all , I had nothing better to do.

How I found out she actually is Swedish, I can’t recall but I know I did receive a private message asking me if I’m Swedish and after that a conversation started. I must have started to enjoy myself because I stayed in the room about four hours that first day.

That very first impression proved to be wrong. She is actually nothing like the sort I first thought. And that probably contributed to the fact that I returned the next day and stayed even longer.

But, after those two days, I did stay away for twelve days. Why that happened was probably because I was trying to avoid falling back into my old habit of spending huge amounts of time and (from time to time ) lots of money at this site.

However, I must have liked my first two days, because after nearly two weeks away I went back and from then onwards for like almost a month I spent lots of time having fun and getting to know this person.

At first our conversations were all in English but after a while that changed and our private conversations started to be in Swedish. I can’t stress enough how good it felt to finally hear my native language spoken and see it typed at that site. For so many years, all my chat conversations had always been in English, no matter the nationality of the person I spoke with. For a long time I had also enjoyed it and actually avoided Swedish even when fellow Swedes had used it in chats I had been a  part of. I even avoided to admit being from Sweden.

Now, however, Swedish really spoke to me in many ways it had not done for so many years before.

Also, the way she speaks Swedish, the sound, the accent, the melody of her voice immediately caught me and only made me want to hear it again and again.

Needless to say, I quickly forgot all about everything else around me and focused all my attention on the person in front of me and on getting to know as much as possible about her.

Who I found is someone completely different from my first faulty impression. At first I would never have guessed she has such a great amount of talent, creativity and positive energy but it dawned on me during the many hours I spent with her.

Not only was it fun, it also challenged me to change. Or, rather, she inspired and challenged me to start changing my thinking into a more positive direction.

Her almost limitless positive energy and constant happy outlook on everything started to rub off on me and for that I’m eternally grateful. It has given me reason to question myself and to evolve after being kind of stuck in some rather negative modes of thinking about myself and things that happen.

Though most of all she is incredibly creative and artistic. And fun to be around. You never know what she will do or say, or  where her creative ideas will take her and you. For me, being stuck in routine and structure as I am, this impulsive creativity can sometimes seem confusing and hard to follow but it also teaches me to be less afraid of not being able to predict what will happen. Have I also mentioned how beautiful and attractive she is? I haven’t ? Perhaps that goes without saying. Not that I think its her very best feature. Don’t get me wrong, she’s beautiful but its her soul that really makes her beauty shine.

Her amazing personality is what keeps me coming back, what draws me in. Yet, it’s not so easy to define which lends a certain mystery to her being. Something I find even more attractive than the pure physical beauty she also possesses a lot of. Without being flawless, mind you. It would be easy to wax on about her being perfect in every aspect but that’s not how it is. I don’t believe in the concept of a perfect human being anyway. What appeals to me are always the small imperfections that make every person unique.

She certainly is a one of a kind person and I’m very happy  and feel very lucky to have gotten to know her over the past month. Still I feel there is lots more to know and she constantly surprises me with new aspects of herself that adds to the overall image of the person she is. And even if the pieces not always seem to fit straight away they reveal a very interesting soul.

Midsummer

Published 06/25/2016 by MoonieZ

Midsummer eve, a day of celebration only second to Christmas in Sweden. I’m not going to explain it. If you need to know more, search the internet.

The Boss – Bruce Springsteen – is in Gothenburg with his band for shows. Kind of a midsummer tradition in a way. And the weather is kind of great even if it rained during the night and this morning.

I’m celebrating kind of low-key this year. Not that I mind. I’m used to being by myself. Not good in large groups, takes too much energy away from me to try to handle all the information when I can’t sort it out.

The news this morning of the British having voted to leave the European Union was a shock to me. And I believe a much greater shock for the 48,1% of the British people who voted to stay in the EU.

It took away much of my wish to celebrate Midsummer but I wouldn’t have been celebrating much anyway.

Talked to my brothers on the phone and then my aunt. All seemed to be fine and having a good day. Was good to know.

I struggle with getting things done that I know I have to do but don’t have any motivation for doing. After so many years it gets harder to find any ways to freshen it up and keep me motivated. Of course I know I’ll get it done anyway but it feels so much of a burden lately. No way out of it though.

Still, my life is kind of getting better lately. Not any major change but small steps adding up. No luck in finding a job, no luck in finding a suitable place to live and no luck in finding that love that keeps eluding me. Might be because I’m not looking hard enough or in the right places or perhaps I don’t know how to look for any of it. No idea.

But I enjoy life the way I know how. Have started watching Orange Is The New Black again and still find it fun and interesting to see where all the characters will end up.

Same goes for Game of Thrones. Those are the only shows I watch now. Sometimes I watch some movies but not as much as earlier this year. I find that there aren’t a lot of really good movies around anymore. Or perhaps I’ve grown out of the genre movies. I keep returning to the “old” movies I already know because they are still good.

My internet friends also keep me smiling. Without them, I’d be lost.

Happy Birthday, J !

Published 10/05/2015 by MoonieZ

Happy Birthday to you my old friend.

Not to say you are old or anything and I won’t mention your age but I do want to wish you a wonderful birthday.

I know you don’t wish to keep in touch so this is not any attempt to get in touch again. Just happened to think of the times we shared and how much I value our friendship now that it isn’t active anymore. I will always remember it.

Anyway, to make a long story short,here’s a song from the old days:

And now: the news

Published 10/19/2014 by MoonieZ

Hi,

Dark outside. Raining. After midnight, so Sunday has begun.

In the archipelago outside Stockholm the Swedish Navy is chasing what they claim to be a foreign submarine of some sort.

The tabloids and news headlines are talking about a new cold war situation. I prefer to stay calm until I see more proof with regards to this ongoing incident.

I’m old enough to remember how it was during the ending decades of the Cold War. The Navy used to chase suspected foreign subs then too, but they never found any and could not present much proof of anything. Don’t get me wrong: I take this new situation seriously and I trust the Swedish Navy to know what they’re doing but I don’t like the big headlines and the feeling of hysteria in the media.

The media is painting a picture of a new “Cold War” when no one knows for sure what results the current chase will end up with or even if it will give us any conclusive proof of this still only suspected foreign military submarine activity inside the archipelago.

On a more personal note, I have started “work” at the new office. I’m learning how to use some photo editing software in order to be able to work with making digital copies of old photos, maps and other documents from various institutions, museums and such.

I like the new place.

This past week I have had a cold. It started already on last Sunday but I managed to be at the office for three days before I had to call in sick. Headache, light fever, runny nose,sneezing and a cough was too much for me. Not until Saturday have I started to feel mostly ok again even if some of the cough remains and my nose is congested.

On job hunting front much remains the same. Nothing much happens. However, this Wednesday I had a job interview over the phone with one employer. I didn’t get the job but at least they wanted to talk to me. A good sign. The first interview I’ve had in a really long time. It made me feel a bit more motivated.

On the more personal front. I still enjoy seeing friends and taking part in the social media networks. That’s about all there is to say.

Hey there, people

Published 09/07/2014 by MoonieZ

I’m SwedishMoon…

Yes I know, I had a Frank Zappa moment there for a second or two. Ain’t it funny how that one song is the one everyone seems to connect with Zappa when the man made so much great music? Not saying that song is bad but still, there is so much more music to the name Zappa.

Ok, that little rant is not the topic of this post. I just happened to think of it while typing the headline.

September is here again. Yes, I know it has been a week of it already but you see I haven’t been up to writing anything. As usual.  The times when I had to express myself every day of the year seem to have vanished. Now I’m happy if it happens once a month or even less. Besides, nobody reads blogs anymore anyway, right?

Well, I still read a few from time to time but to be honest I spend more time reading Twitter and Tumblr these days.  Even so, I like to keep this blog alive because I want to reach the 10 year mark next year. Also I’m still thinking of trying to make something more out of the texts I have published over the years. Will see where that leads.

At the new office place I’m at most of my days, I still struggle to find a meaning and a new project to work on. I am waiting for the election to be over so that things might change. With a new government things will change because policy is going to change.  If nothing happens, I’m not sure how much longer I can go on seeing my life go to waste.

Yes, I know if I want to see change I will have to be the change. Easy to say. I’ll tell you this: walk a year in my shoes then come back and say that again if you still think it is so easy.

Of course I’m still searching for employment. Not much else to do, if I wish to find something. No luck though.

My health is somewhat all over the map. Lately, I’ve been pretty good but it changes a lot. I know I would be better if I had been doing a real job for all these years instead of  only looking for jobs. The stress sometimes makes me feel like I don’t want to live but I usually fight that feeling. Many times I feel useless though. Forgotten by society and only considered as a statistic.

Thankful for the friends I still keep in touch with. Not sure I’d go on without you all.  Music and movies provide some relief and renewed energy, but mostly comfort and escape from reality. Same goes for TV shows.

Look, I managed to repeat myself again. Time to leave.

Peace out.

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